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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop financially supporting grown up DD and partner

134 replies

Muddylane · 06/10/2021 20:15

I'm really worried about DD (30) and her partner. 18 + months ago they bought their first home, a large family home in a naice area. The mortgage was mainly on the strength of partners salary (law), as DD is in a low paid profession.

Soon after they moved in partner quit their job - they have history for this and have done it before. Then the pandemic hit, and everything went on hold. Partner has not worked since, and had no job interviews etc.

So DD is struggling to pay the large mortgage and food, bills etc on her low salary. Early in the pandemic they benefitted from the mortgage holidays but these are over now.

Partner's mental health seems to have collapsed, they very rarely leave the house and DD comes home to a filthy house as partner never cleans.

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them. We still do this. Recently I have been "topping up" DD at the end of the month if she runs short. I have also offered to pay their mortgage for a few months if things get desperate.

So my dilemma is this - should I keep supporting them financially? If I don't support them I worry I will plunge DD into a horrendous world of financial ruin. I can afford to now but next year my income will take a drop so would be more difficult.

If I do support them, I worry I am enabling DDs partner not to look for work. Partner won't even get a temp job to bring some cash in.

DD is very worried about the situation but says it's useless to push partner on it as it will make partner worse. She's tried to get partner councelling but they won't make an appointment.

YABU - keep financially supporting them
YANBU - stop supporting them

OP posts:
Explosivefarts · 06/10/2021 22:36

If it was woman whose mental health was in crisis we would all the sympathetic but as it’s a man he is being called a loser etc. Shame on you.

Sandinmyknickers · 06/10/2021 22:37

@itsallgoingpearshaped

Stop paying.

Offer to take her and her DD in, but say the house needs to be sold.

Partner sounds like a liability, tbh, and unless there are solid redeeming qualities, I probably wouldn't include him in the offer.

Not extending the offer to partner sounds like a sure fire way to ensure that your DD doesn't take you up on offer, struggles on with arouse she can't afford and gets into some serious debt. I would include partner for now, as it gets her out the immediate situation of potential spiralling debt.
Explosivefarts · 06/10/2021 22:39

@Youdoyoutoday

She needs to sell the house and ditch the waste of space partner! Who does that? Moves in to a massive house and then quits their job?? It's insane!!
Someone with crippling mental health problems maybe
BluebellsGreenbells · 06/10/2021 22:40

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.

Why? You say you no longer able to help - stop with the shopping, they can walk or get a taxi.

Look after yourself because she’s never going to.

SweeneyToddler · 06/10/2021 22:41

@Explosivefarts

If it was woman whose mental health was in crisis we would all the sympathetic but as it’s a man he is being called a loser etc. Shame on you.
Why are you assuming the partner is a man?
TableFlowerss · 06/10/2021 22:41

YABU - you’re helping facilitate it. They’ll have to sell the house. She’s 30 not 16….

whynotwhatknot · 06/10/2021 22:49

if the partner is refusing help then your dd has to walk away

you have to want to help yourself first

SuperStarRose · 06/10/2021 22:53

Her DP sounds very depressed and clearly needs some kind of support.

Your DD must be physically and mentally exhausted dealing with it all.

You've been very kind to help and need to sit down and talk it through with her.

Don't stop supporting them just because we're telling you to.

They're going through a difficult patch as are many people. Many adults are having to rely on their parents right now.

Think about what you want to do

Tistheseason17 · 06/10/2021 22:53

Time to let her stand on her own 2 feet.

SuperStarRose · 06/10/2021 22:54

He may well have been sacked and preferred to say he'd left or made redundant

Jaxhog · 06/10/2021 23:03

You're only enabling her to enable him. He isn't your responsibility - he's her choice. Stop now, or it will never end.

Sofaking355 · 06/10/2021 23:12

I’d pay for DD to have therapy. She needs to ditch this loser. Therapy might make her see that

love how these threads bash the man if it was gender reverse he'd get slated for being a cock lodger and she'd be sympathized over bad mental health. Double standards.

bestsoupintown · 06/10/2021 23:36

I think I'd lay out for her that you will continue to support her for a fixed amount of time to give them the chance to make decisions about what to do.
Sell the house
Keep the house but get lodgers
Stay together
Split
And whatever other options there are.

You can explain that this support would have to reduce anyway because of your change of circumstances but that it couldn't be indefinite anyway.

Don't present it as an ultimatum but that you do need to pull back.

Can she come home? Could you stand it if the partner did too? It's ok if you couldn't, especially if you feel that the partner isn't good for her.

PickAChew · 06/10/2021 23:50

@Zilla1

I am interested about all the posters who seem to be of a mind that it's fine for your DD's DP to be the main bread winner on who's income their mortgage was based but when his MH has crashed and he can't work then he should be ditched ASAP. Now MH is a wide spectrum though I wonder if it were your DD who had the MH crises and her DP want to sell their house from under her and ditch her then whether all those PPs would be calling your DD the dodo that should be ditched and that it was her plan all along to buy a new house then stop work. I also suspect you'd take a dim view of him ditching her like the PP's suggest.

I see more awareness of MH in UK society now than from recent years and it is a broad and complex subject but the implication he's a CF seems a stretch when it hardly seems like he's living the dream by not leaving the house. It sounds like your DD is currently in the 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' mindset though I know not everyone thinks the same and this shouldn't be an excuse for exploitative behaviour by someone's partner.

It's up to you, OP. If you can afford to help then I would until I couldn't. If he genuinely has mental health issues and your DD will know this better than you, ending financial support will only increase his stress and usually won't encourage him back to work. I see many patients forced to return to work from sick leave too early (I know he'll need to find a job rather than return to his employer but the parallel is illustrative) and it usually puts back their recovery.

It is only anecdote but I have one acquaintance who quickly ditched her first husband when he had what was at the time undiagnosed depression as she expected the best and would not associate with 'failure and losers'. She is outraged that she is now married to someone who has a good-ish career and her ex has got his career on track, got lucky with a start up and is earning mid-seven figures a year . When she talks about her ex, she talks like he deliberately had a mental health collapse just to rob her of a 'blingier' future than she has now. FWIW, I think he is happier now than he ever would have been with her and she may have contributed to his collapse.

Good luck.

It doesn't matter

They can't afford and don't need 5he big house.

Wallywobbles · 07/10/2021 04:32

How about you/she organize to see a financial advisor. Who can talk her through the situation without you there. You need to be upfront about the dates that help stops. And she needs to understand she has to stop asking.

But most of all she needs to understand that if she fucks her credit eating now she will NOT BE ABLE TO GET A MORTGAGE AT ALL.

And both of you need some kind of counseling. Yours to help you to learn to say no. Something that kids need to learn when they are toddlers or this kind of shit happens.

BluebellsGreenbells · 07/10/2021 06:48

Whilst I agree OP needs to say no and stop the support - you are prolonging the inevitable - your daughter has learnt this behaviour from somewhere - to please people

Sceptre86 · 07/10/2021 07:07

First of all they need to sell the house and get rid of the huge weight over them which is a mortgage they can't afford. she then needs to encourage him to get counselling and explain how his behaviour impacts her own mental health. Has he or she mo family that can stage an intervention? Your dd then needs to consider seriously whether she wants to remain in a relationship with someone who drains her (a deadweight) longterm if she does then that is her choice and she needs to deal with the consequences. I would make it clear either way that the financial support will be stopping you can't and shouldn't bankroll them forever. If she gets angry at you, then that is a sign of her immaturity quite frankly and will be a stern lesson that as an adult she needs to grow up. You aren't responsible for her situation both she and her partner are.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/10/2021 07:15

Did partner quit his job - or made redundant or asked to leave?

Doesn't really matter - two years on, they need to be making other plans - and they won't if you continue to pay for everything.

frumpety · 07/10/2021 07:29

Does the DP have parents ?

spotcheck · 07/10/2021 07:36

OP
You have created a child in a grown up's body. You can still be supportive, still love and care for her, but not pay.
I would sit down with her or even both, and explain that you have to stop support in ( however many months). I'd suggest no more than 6.

And then if you want, help them develop a plan to sell the house etc.

Of course the DD doesn't have to leave her husband if she still loves him/ wants to support, but for heaven's sake, it's been 2 YEARS and he's done nothing to help himself, or contribute.

You can have a mental health crisis, and need support, BUT NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR MIL. That is the important point.

Dragongirl10 · 07/10/2021 07:43

I am agast at you supporting a 30 year old adult, and l say this as someone who gets on well with my parents, but would NEVER take their hard earned money.

I have teenaged Dcs but would not financially support them after 18-20....

She has no right to be angry at you! She sounds like a spoilt brat and her partner sounds like a waste of space.
You sound extremely generous, but surely you should be thinking of your retirement security not supporting two entitled adults?

Collaborate · 07/10/2021 07:55

It’s really disappointing to see all the posters critical of the partner, who seems to be mentally unwell. Where is your compassion or humanity? Shame on you.

OP - I would continue to support her on condition that they come up with a plan to get themselves out of this hole, otherwise you’re just delaying the inevitable.

Tellmeee · 07/10/2021 08:22

Op says the partner (male/female/not sure) has a history of not working so why did they buy a ‘large family home’ and commit to a big mortgage based on the salary of the partner who has a history of not working?

dottiedodah · 07/10/2021 08:39

Well you cant do it for ever thats the thing! She /He needs to ditch the big house ASAP. Surely he has a future plan? Can he just get any old job for now just to help out?

RandomLondoner · 07/10/2021 09:00

@Kindlynow

Why the assumption partner is male?
This triggered me to look up the statistics. According to a UK govenment web site, the probability that an un-married couple with no children living together has exactly one male member is 95%. So it's a pretty reasonable assumption.

(If there were children, the probability the partner was male would go up to 99.7%.)