To stop financially supporting grown up DD and partner

[Muddylane]

I'm really worried about DD (30) and her partner. 18 + months ago they bought their first home, a large family home in a naice area. The mortgage was mainly on the strength of partners salary (law), as DD is in a low paid profession.

Soon after they moved in partner quit their job - they have history for this and have done it before. Then the pandemic hit, and everything went on hold. Partner has not worked since, and had no job interviews etc.

So DD is struggling to pay the large mortgage and food, bills etc on her low salary. Early in the pandemic they benefitted from the mortgage holidays but these are over now.

Partner's mental health seems to have collapsed, they very rarely leave the house and DD comes home to a filthy house as partner never cleans.

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them. We still do this. Recently I have been "topping up" DD at the end of the month if she runs short. I have also offered to pay their mortgage for a few months if things get desperate.

So my dilemma is this - should I keep supporting them financially? If I don't support them I worry I will plunge DD into a horrendous world of financial ruin. I can afford to now but next year my income will take a drop so would be more difficult.

If I do support them, I worry I am enabling DDs partner not to look for work. Partner won't even get a temp job to bring some cash in.

DD is very worried about the situation but says it's useless to push partner on it as it will make partner worse. She's tried to get partner councelling but they won't make an appointment.

YABU - keep financially supporting them
YANBU - stop supporting them

Can they get a lodger or Airbnb a room? Can they rent it out and move to a cheaper place? Can they sell and buy a cheaper place?
I think you need to have a serious chat with your daughter about boundaries and healthy adult relationships.

I don't think you need ultimatums. You need to say you have realised you can't afford to spend so much on them and your concerned about enabling her partner.
I assume in the worse case she can come back to you for a while?

Truly worse case is you enable them both and they don't face the true reality of their situation. Then they bring a child into it and your really stuffed then because the child will be indirect relying on you.

@Elephantsbreath9
But offer that DD and partner could stay with you when its sold - if you can stand that!

But how will this make the situation any better? The partner won't be encouraged to get work and the op will be subsidising her daughter just as much, if not more.

Op, she's 30. If she gets mad with you, she's very disrespectful. She should be beyond grateful fir everything you've done.

People keep saying the partner is a man. The op has not specified sex, so why do you think it isn't a woman?

No, don't offer partner as well..

Did they get a fixed rate? When is this ending because if it's soon they might not be able to remortgage at a lower rate. So the bills are going to be even higher.

@MrsGeoWolf

Did they get a fixed rate? When is this ending because if it's soon they might not be able to remortgage at a lower rate. So the bills are going to be even higher.

They will be fine as long as they don't try to borrow more and/or haven't missed or been late with payments, the bank will offer them a new deal without reassessing.

@Muddylane

All your comments are really sensible. I just dread making an ultimatum to DD as I think she'll be really angry with me and blame me for the situation.

Be sure to let her know that her anger would be massively misplaced, you and she are the only ones doing anything to keep him in the style to which he has become accustomed, and where will it end? You're not thinking about leaving her high and dry like he has, you're thinking about a mutually agreed end-date. Sooner rather than later.

Daughters partner is bone idle and living above their means, need to bin them off

I am interested about all the posters who seem to be of a mind that it's fine for your DD's DP to be the main bread winner on who's income their mortgage was based but when his MH has crashed and he can't work then he should be ditched ASAP. Now MH is a wide spectrum though I wonder if it were your DD who had the MH crises and her DP want to sell their house from under her and ditch her then whether all those PPs would be calling your DD the dodo that should be ditched and that it was her plan all along to buy a new house then stop work. I also suspect you'd take a dim view of him ditching her like the PP's suggest.

I see more awareness of MH in UK society now than from recent years and it is a broad and complex subject but the implication he's a CF seems a stretch when it hardly seems like he's living the dream by not leaving the house. It sounds like your DD is currently in the 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' mindset though I know not everyone thinks the same and this shouldn't be an excuse for exploitative behaviour by someone's partner.

It's up to you, OP. If you can afford to help then I would until I couldn't. If he genuinely has mental health issues and your DD will know this better than you, ending financial support will only increase his stress and usually won't encourage him back to work. I see many patients forced to return to work from sick leave too early (I know he'll need to find a job rather than return to his employer but the parallel is illustrative) and it usually puts back their recovery.

It is only anecdote but I have one acquaintance who quickly ditched her first husband when he had what was at the time undiagnosed depression as she expected the best and would not associate with 'failure and losers'. She is outraged that she is now married to someone who has a good-ish career and her ex has got his career on track, got lucky with a start up and is earning mid-seven figures a year . When she talks about her ex, she talks like he deliberately had a mental health collapse just to rob her of a 'blingier' future than she has now. FWIW, I think he is happier now than he ever would have been with her and she may have contributed to his collapse.

Good luck.

Why the assumption partner is male?

@Kindlynow you're right regarding my reply. My error,. Not sure if I mis-read or made a (heteronormative?) incorrect assumption. Either way, am embarrassed.

I wouldn't continue to support financially, no. I would encourage them to sell the house and look for somewhere smaller/within their means.

It’s annoying everyone is saying ‘he’ when OP has not specified sex of the partner.

I have complex MH issues myself so I know what it’s like, but you have to want to help yourself. If the partner is so ill they can’t contemplate getting any kind of job they need to face up to the reality that they can’t afford the house. I have a mortgage of my own, solo, and if I became unable to work because of my mental health I’d have no choice but to sell my flat, and i’d do that before expecting my parents (or partner, if I had one) to start subsidising me.

Whether or not the partner is lazy or genuinely ill isn’t really relevant - either way, the house is unaffordable and they need to face facts. I wouldn’t continue to subsidise them, no, but if you have the room I’d offer for them to stay with you on the proviso they sell the house and the partner gets help and works towards getting back to work.

Your DD is 30, she’s not helpless, if she chooses to continue as she is without your help and gets into financial ruin that’s her own fault.

If there's no plan for him to return to work they been to change their lifestyle so they can live on her income,including selling the house.

Helping her do this is more useful than paying her bills, although I know no parent will see her hungry or homeless.

What does DD think about partner's situation. Does she intend to stay?

Its fairly unusual for a parent to support a 30 year old offspring by paying their mortgage as anything other than a one off, unless there's been a death perhaps.

It really is too much to expect one partner's mother to pay the mortgage because the other partner - not their own offspring - ditched their job. Regardless of whether there is a mental health crisis its absolutely not within the realm of normal to expect the mother of the still working partner to step in and pay the mortgage more than once without some serious discussion of a plan to sell up/ get the unemployed partner back to work or put the person now paying the mortgage on the deeds as part owner!

Some really insightful responses here, thanks. I do believe partner is genuinely ill - the not leaving the house implies this. DD certainly thinks so.

To the pp who asked about partners family - can't say too much as is outing, but they are not around - this is partly a trigger for the MH issues I think.

That said, I get so frustrated at partner and sometimes wish DD would ditch them!

I agree you should make it a condition of support that the house goes on the market.

I have to say this really stood out for me though:

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them.

Why on earth? Why would you have been buying your 30 year old, employed and at the time financially stable, their food shopping?

Ask a solicitor to draw up a legal agreement that you will support then to pay the mortgage on the condition that they pay you back out of the proceeds of the house sale.

Unless you're loaded.

If you keep supporting them nothing will change. If she blames you then you need to take a large step back. Its not your fault.

I can't work out how to reply - The Lette you asked are they really applying, when jobs seem plentiful - no, we don't think partner is. We ask them and get fobbed off!

I would tell her that you cannot afford to give her any money at all beyond November, but she, and she alone, is welcome to stay with you.

Hopefully this will help her to see the light.

Collecting and paying for their food shopping seems very strange to me. I get helping out in a crisis, but to be routinely be collecting their shopping, let alone paying for it is a very strange dynamic. How did that come about?

Re the shopping - I admit we have always been generous, maybe over generous with DD.

I do think she will get very angry with me if I try make her face up to the situation. I find it very upsetting when she is upset.

She HATES making decisions / taking the reins and the decision to "go large" on the house / mortgage was all partners as they were the one with the income.

@Zilla1

I am interested about all the posters who seem to be of a mind that it's fine for your DD's DP to be the main bread winner on who's income their mortgage was based but when his MH has crashed and he can't work then he should be ditched ASAP. Now MH is a wide spectrum though I wonder if it were your DD who had the MH crises and her DP want to sell their house from under her and ditch her then whether all those PPs would be calling your DD the dodo that should be ditched and that it was her plan all along to buy a new house then stop work. I also suspect you'd take a dim view of him ditching her like the PP's suggest.

I see more awareness of MH in UK society now than from recent years and it is a broad and complex subject but the implication he's a CF seems a stretch when it hardly seems like he's living the dream by not leaving the house. It sounds like your DD is currently in the 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' mindset though I know not everyone thinks the same and this shouldn't be an excuse for exploitative behaviour by someone's partner.

It's up to you, OP. If you can afford to help then I would until I couldn't. If he genuinely has mental health issues and your DD will know this better than you, ending financial support will only increase his stress and usually won't encourage him back to work. I see many patients forced to return to work from sick leave too early (I know he'll need to find a job rather than return to his employer but the parallel is illustrative) and it usually puts back their recovery.

It is only anecdote but I have one acquaintance who quickly ditched her first husband when he had what was at the time undiagnosed depression as she expected the best and would not associate with 'failure and losers'. She is outraged that she is now married to someone who has a good-ish career and her ex has got his career on track, got lucky with a start up and is earning mid-seven figures a year . When she talks about her ex, she talks like he deliberately had a mental health collapse just to rob her of a 'blingier' future than she has now. FWIW, I think he is happier now than he ever would have been with her and she may have contributed to his collapse.

Good luck.

It depends on whose idea the house was though. And their relationship history. I wouldn't ditch my partner if he developed mental health issues. I know his character. But I wouldn't get together with someone who had mental health issues because it's not worth the bother. Op - how long is the relationship? What is the partner's character like? YANBU to want to withdraw support - especially as you've done so much and it's coming at your own expense. Who's going to finance YOU when you get old? You need to be practical. As pp have said give daughter an ultimatum. Include partner if you think that they're a good person + they engage with external help. Otherwise they're on their own.

@Muddylane

Re the shopping - I admit we have always been generous, maybe over generous with DD.

I do think she will get very angry with me if I try make her face up to the situation. I find it very upsetting when she is upset.

She HATES making decisions / taking the reins and the decision to "go large" on the house / mortgage was all partners as they were the one with the income.

Just read your update. Remember that it's not your fault. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. If your DD chooses to delude herself let her fall. She will come back to you eventually. As parents our hands are tied when it comes to adult children. Also partner doesn't sound like a good fit for your daughter if they;re that overbearing and she's passive. Honestly if you help them it will make it hard for daughter to leave. .