To stop financially supporting grown up DD and partner

[Muddylane]

I'm really worried about DD (30) and her partner. 18 + months ago they bought their first home, a large family home in a naice area. The mortgage was mainly on the strength of partners salary (law), as DD is in a low paid profession.

Soon after they moved in partner quit their job - they have history for this and have done it before. Then the pandemic hit, and everything went on hold. Partner has not worked since, and had no job interviews etc.

So DD is struggling to pay the large mortgage and food, bills etc on her low salary. Early in the pandemic they benefitted from the mortgage holidays but these are over now.

Partner's mental health seems to have collapsed, they very rarely leave the house and DD comes home to a filthy house as partner never cleans.

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them. We still do this. Recently I have been "topping up" DD at the end of the month if she runs short. I have also offered to pay their mortgage for a few months if things get desperate.

So my dilemma is this - should I keep supporting them financially? If I don't support them I worry I will plunge DD into a horrendous world of financial ruin. I can afford to now but next year my income will take a drop so would be more difficult.

If I do support them, I worry I am enabling DDs partner not to look for work. Partner won't even get a temp job to bring some cash in.

DD is very worried about the situation but says it's useless to push partner on it as it will make partner worse. She's tried to get partner councelling but they won't make an appointment.

YABU - keep financially supporting them
YANBU - stop supporting them

Support her by encouraging her to leave him. The house will be sold, she'll get her half and can start to rebuild. His laziness threatens two innocent people. Save them, not him.

@Muddylane

Re the shopping - I admit we have always been generous, maybe over generous with DD.

I do think she will get very angry with me if I try make her face up to the situation. I find it very upsetting when she is upset.

She HATES making decisions / taking the reins and the decision to "go large" on the house / mortgage was all partners as they were the one with the income.

With all due respect OP, she is 30. Let her be angry that you're not paying her bills anymore.

She is an adult and should be supporting herself financially. They need to downsize their home, not bum off her mother.

My exDH had a mental health breakdown when we were 30, he had a good high paying career in the City. I had a good job too but not as high earning. His bank paid for him to have in patient therapy and we sold our London house, which neither of us could afford alone, got divorced and went our separate ways. At no point did either of us ask our parents for help, money or expect them to pay for anything. We have both moved on to new lives. Stop enabling your DD and her partner, you are making it worse step back and let them be adults. Your relationship with her doesn’t sound very healthy.

Plastering over serious cracks doesn't make the issue go away, it hides the problem, only for it to get worse.

They will need to sell the house and move into something more suitable before they lose everything and the partner needs professional help and constructive support.

What a horrible situation op. Yes they need to sell up and if your dd is not confident about the logistics then she needs help to do it. Not everyone knows the ins and outs of dealing with property especially if her partner has previously done it all. Where they go next is more complicated. Could she actually get a mortgage on her current salary? If not how much rent could she pay? Living with you would be an answer but not a long-term one, they might get too comfy! The partner needs help and your dd will probably need to facilitate that. Severely depressed people sometimes can't envisage a trip anywhere let alone booking and seeing a gp. Let your dd know she can rely on your support even if it won't always be financially. Must be really hard for her. For all of you.

She's not all that innocent in all this. She's not a naive 19yo. She's a full grown woman who should have known better than to buy a house depending on the wage of her unreliable partners wage. It was simply a stupid decision.
You need to stop fixing their mistakes. She needs to sell the house she bought when she couldn't afford it.

I'd likely ask them over for dinner or arrange a time to go there to have a gentle, but frank, conversation. Normally I'd never suggest such an intrusion but in this case their lives and decisions partly depend on your money and it seems fair to speak with them both to avoid confusion....partner may not even be fully aware just how much money you contribute to their household.

Partner's mental health isn't up for discussion unless they raise it themselves but money is, and asking what their proposed timeline is to be financially self-sufficient seems a reasonable place to start.

OP I say this but its not meant as an attack but I think you are/have created this issue you now all face, The pressure on both your daughter and her partner must be huge and sadly it has all come from a good place.When your daughter was looking at houses I am sure she had encouragement which was misplaced. No one when they first start off gets the nice house in the right location,bet you didnt either! Going round with shopping too,,why? These are grown adults ..have you seriously hand on heart allowed them to be? Neither sound very independant to me, I know you want the best for your daughter we all do but the best course is guidance,Being the saviour as you are is doing them no favours and maybe that pressure of the admitting their failings and addressing them is more of an issue of letting you down if you see what I mean? Maybe the pressure is what caused the mental health issues.them trying to be something or achieve something they are just not ready to handle either of them?You can throw all the money you like at a problem but it is still a problem if its not solved, Time to step back,Let them as adults be the adults they are and face up to their personal issues and responsibilities as a couple.If the relationship breaks I am sure it would have broken anyway without your misplaced interferance. I know you are wanting to do the right thing and you sound such a lovely caring lady wanting to do the best but its not your place to do so it is not your issue to deal with its theirs and theirs alone. You need ot leave them to it otherwise how will they ever learn and grow? You are doing what you are doing out of love and your help is coming from a good place everyone can see that but its not the right thing to do,its holding them back and keeping them stuck in this situation as they are not being made to deal with things,They cannot hide under your skirt forever things must be sorted both financially and health wise,You helping by being over involved is severely holding them back in my view.Let them fail they will not like it but they will pick themselves up and live again all the better for it one way or another be it together or apart. You are not dealing with children here,Your daughter and her partner are exactly like the very same people you are asking advice from.You may or may not choose to take the advice offered on these pages but anyone of us could be your daughter and anyone of us could be privately dealing with the same issues what would you advise us? I hope you do not consider this a personal attack it wasnt meant to be at all but sometimes we as parents can be too close to a situation to really be helpful,our emotions get in the way and we can;t see the wood for the trees.What would you tell any other 30 yr old independant adult? Hope you see what I mean and what I am trying to say?

I am diagnosed with physical and mental health issues. But co operate fully with all treatment in both areas even though I don’t always want to because treatment can cause both physical and mental pain.

My friend has been supporting her BF for about 18 years, he refuses to get assistance for his MH issues. That’s the line with MH issues. It can take a time but some will never co operate ever and that’s when it’s ok to leave someone.

The house does need to be sold that’s the bottom line and in the overheated market they will hopefully make something. They will then probably have to rent which brings its own issues but stop enabling her.