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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop financially supporting grown up DD and partner

134 replies

Muddylane · 06/10/2021 20:15

I'm really worried about DD (30) and her partner. 18 + months ago they bought their first home, a large family home in a naice area. The mortgage was mainly on the strength of partners salary (law), as DD is in a low paid profession.

Soon after they moved in partner quit their job - they have history for this and have done it before. Then the pandemic hit, and everything went on hold. Partner has not worked since, and had no job interviews etc.

So DD is struggling to pay the large mortgage and food, bills etc on her low salary. Early in the pandemic they benefitted from the mortgage holidays but these are over now.

Partner's mental health seems to have collapsed, they very rarely leave the house and DD comes home to a filthy house as partner never cleans.

Even before the pandemic I have paid for DD and partners supermarket shop as they don't have a car and we collect it for them. We still do this. Recently I have been "topping up" DD at the end of the month if she runs short. I have also offered to pay their mortgage for a few months if things get desperate.

So my dilemma is this - should I keep supporting them financially? If I don't support them I worry I will plunge DD into a horrendous world of financial ruin. I can afford to now but next year my income will take a drop so would be more difficult.

If I do support them, I worry I am enabling DDs partner not to look for work. Partner won't even get a temp job to bring some cash in.

DD is very worried about the situation but says it's useless to push partner on it as it will make partner worse. She's tried to get partner councelling but they won't make an appointment.

YABU - keep financially supporting them
YANBU - stop supporting them

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 06/10/2021 21:28

Cocklodger!

tinierclanger · 06/10/2021 21:29

@Muddylane

Re the shopping - I admit we have always been generous, maybe over generous with DD.

I do think she will get very angry with me if I try make her face up to the situation. I find it very upsetting when she is upset.

She HATES making decisions / taking the reins and the decision to "go large" on the house / mortgage was all partners as they were the one with the income.

Ok, so you’ve set a precedent for this kind of thing, so suddenly withdrawing wouldn’t be fair, but you ought to start dialling it down. You know this isn’t normal, don’t you?

Blunt question but are you very well off? I can maybe understand it if you’re rich.

Original poster

Muddylane · 06/10/2021 21:31

Tractor - they've been together about 5 years. Partner masked their MH issues very well the first few years. Overall there is much about partner that is lovely, they are a lovely relative to our DGSs for example (Our DSs children)

OP posts:

Youdoyoutoday · 06/10/2021 21:31

She needs to sell the house and ditch the waste of space partner!
Who does that? Moves in to a massive house and then quits their job?? It's insane!!

Pixxie7 · 06/10/2021 21:32

Her partner sounds very lazy this won’t change whilst you continue to help them. They are adults and need to sort there own issues out. I would stop helping them unless he gets a job, they can order and pay for their own food online. I know she is you daughter and you want to protect her but your not helping her by paying for her mortgage and food . Things will not improve if you keep paying out.

Gimlisaxe · 06/10/2021 21:34

I think my answer would be very based on how much the partner has done to get any help. This last few years have been massivly shit for people and for a lot of people with mental health problems, its made them a lot worse, but if they have done nothing to try and help themselves, for example applying for benefits (ESA or PIP) trying to ge a doctor appointment, then I would stop paying for things, but given your update, I would dial it down not stop it completely.

Mental healthis really shit to deal with and for the people around to deal with as well, but you can't help someone who is not going to help themslves and after this amount of time, they really need to get some professional help

Wtf86 · 06/10/2021 21:36

They need to sell the house. DD needs to work out what she can afford on her salary. If she still loves her partner and the partner is willing to get support then they should focus on that.

Wtf86 · 06/10/2021 21:36

Oh and stop carrying her

BarbaraofSeville · 06/10/2021 21:36

If the partner cannot continue working as a lawyer, can they move from the 'large family home in a naice area' to an average sized home in an average area?

Therefore DD won't be trying to service a large mortgage on a salary that won't cover it and perhaps the partner can get a less pressured job and maybe they can get a cleaner so home life is more manageble too?

But if partner won't help themselves, perhaps its time to split because of this? They're not married, so they've not done the 'in sickness and in health' vows.

DroopyClematis · 06/10/2021 21:36

Tell her that you can only afford to help her until your salary drops ( give her a date in the future.)
After that , you can no longer support her.

That way, you're giving her notice that her current lifeline will end. This should enable her to focus on her way forward which will be to sell her house and deal with her , possibly, feckless partner.
She needs to realise herself that her current situation is untenable but stopping her drip feed of money now might make her resentful which , you've said, you don't want.

treesandweeds · 06/10/2021 21:37

@Muddylane

Re the shopping - I admit we have always been generous, maybe over generous with DD.

I do think she will get very angry with me if I try make her face up to the situation. I find it very upsetting when she is upset.

She HATES making decisions / taking the reins and the decision to "go large" on the house / mortgage was all partners as they were the one with the income.

You don't think this is because you have treated her like a child even when she is an adult? Getting her shopping abs paying her bills is ridiculous. You've enabled and encouraged her helplessness and reliance on you and now you are backing off she's angry as you haven't trained her or shown her or expected her to be a self sufficient adult therefore she isn't acting like one. What did you expect would happen ?

PaulGallico · 06/10/2021 21:37

Your daughter and her partner are clearly struggling. How can you think about posting their story on Aibu and ask for people to vote on whether or not you should continue supporting them?

Beautiful3 · 06/10/2021 21:38

Sounds lovely what you have been doing. However it was never meant to be a long term arrangement. Its stopping the partner from seeking help and getting on his feet, or selling the house. They need to have an end date for your support so they can plan out what they're going to do.

JohnStonesMissus · 06/10/2021 21:39

The house needs to go, it's not sustainable long term.

Original poster

Muddylane · 06/10/2021 21:41

Trees, as direct as you are I know you are right. I am thinking about some therapy for myself as well to help me support her in a healthy way (ie tolerate her being upset better!)

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 21:44

You aren't helping your daughter, you're enabling her. She's been mollycoddled long enough, it's time she grew up and face reality.

playmelikeasymphony · 06/10/2021 21:44

IMO you should stop OP.

I have an old friend who is nearly 40 and still being financially supported by her parents, has been her whole life.

In my friend’s case I can remember her dad giving me a lift home just after we graduated and him being surprised my parents weren’t giving me money (I’d just moved into a flat he was asking about rent/costs). He said he wanted to give her a bit of time to find her feet. Which was fine.

But it’s 20 years later and there’s been reason after reason why she still needed the money. And now they’ve had to reduce it post their retirement she complains they don’t give her enough support (both financial and practical).

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 06/10/2021 21:44

Really you could just say she. Nobody on MN is going to be less sympathetic if they're a lesbian couple! The "they" thing is clunky to read.

Aside from that its quite worrying that your DD has you over such barrel. Dobyou handle your DS with kid gloves too? Does he also live in a big house in a naice area, regardless of whether he can afford to? Do you pay his mortgage? Could you pay his mortgage and DD's simultaneously if he or his partner follow suit and ditch their jobs - whether through ill health or whimsy?

If you treat your children wildly unfairly you'll eventually alienate the one you think doesn't need support, or probably both of them because it sounds as though it'll never be enough for DD - if you're right and she'd get angry if you stopped paying her mortgage on a bigger than she needs house for her!

NoTimeToDye · 06/10/2021 21:45

I think you need to 'give notice' that your financial support will finish on a certain date and stick to that.

It gives them time to make a plan. If the only way through is to sell, they have time to start that process.

BrilloPaddy · 06/10/2021 21:46

We are in a position of constantly financially supporting our eldest DD and her DH...... it's draining, exhausting and often thankless. There are DC involved though, so we feel powerless.

You need to lay out clear boundaries while showing concern for their issues........ say that you will support her emotionally, but financially, this can't continue.

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/10/2021 21:46

@Muddylane

If they're generally a good partner I think it would be cruel to turn your back on them. However you have yourself to worry about as well - how much provision have you made for your own retirement? You don't seem that well off yourself. Can your daughter afford a flat on her salary alone? Help her sell the house and find a flat but leave it at that. She will then make her own choice as to how far she's willing to go with her partner.

Even if you let them both stay in your house nothing will change if your DD is unwilling to co-operate in pushing her partner. And it will be impossible to get them out once they're in.

You can give as much as possible but your DD is an adult. You can help but she must be the main driver of her own life.

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/10/2021 21:48

@BrilloPaddy

We are in a position of constantly financially supporting our eldest DD and her DH...... it's draining, exhausting and often thankless. There are DC involved though, so we feel powerless.

You need to lay out clear boundaries while showing concern for their issues........ say that you will support her emotionally, but financially, this can't continue.

At least OP won't have to deal with a surprise pregnancy if they're a lesbian couple

Hardbackwriter · 06/10/2021 21:48

Re the shopping - I admit we have always been generous, maybe over generous with DD.

I note you later say that you also have a DS - do you have the same dynamic with him or is it just your DD that you've been financially supporting in this way?

altiara · 06/10/2021 21:48

I would give them a warning now that you can support for eg 3 more months and make it clear that your income will be dropping.

They both need to face up to the DP maybe not working long term until they try and sort out their mental health. And even then, not sure law would be a good profession to go back into as assume it’s stressful.
They need to sell the house and find a lifestyle they can afford by themselves and that might be DD having to look for a new job.

NumberTheory · 06/10/2021 21:49

Agree you should point out the need for your DD to make long term sustainable plans that do not rely on you. That probably means selling the house (possibly taking in lodgers?). Is there any way your DD can move into a higher paying profession? Probably wouldn't be in the sort of time frame needed to solve current cash crunch, but might make her better able, long term, to support herself and to keep a partner she loves(?) (assuming that the illness is good reason for current lack of job).

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