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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Walkingalot · 06/10/2021 18:57

I don't think you're going to win any argument when you mention sickness V a heavily pregnant lady about to have a CS plus the Covid factor.
I do get why you're upset though. I think you need to agree with your ex in advance what would happen if the kids get ill again on his day/time with them. There has to be some sort of compromise.

In4mation · 06/10/2021 18:59

So what it happened before. She was still heavily pregnant with the baby squeezing her lungs. It’s well known that pregnant women catching covid at that stage, can really struggle. I don’t think they were unreasonable then either.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 06/10/2021 19:00

@44PumpLane

Yourstupidityexhaustsme the weather where I am has been glorious all afternoon, t-shirt weather, my DH has been out mowing the grass so footy in the park wpiod be perfect.

Also do we know they've not been fed yet? Are they home? I may have missed that bit but I assumed they were still out?

It was lovely here until about 3pm when it suddenly went very cold/windy and has since started lashing it down. Hopefully it was nicer where OP is!

In an update the OP said he hadn't given them tea.

I agree entirely he wasn't unreasonable not to take them home. However, he should have provided an alternative than a kick about at the park on a Wednesday evening in October.

It's just more pressure on their Mother to then get two overly hungry children home to not only bath/bed them but now to also give them tea on top of looking after the sick one. Their routine for the night is shot and Dad gets to bow out now.

The bar is literally on the floor for Dads and yet still so many fall below it and so many jump to support them. I see it so often on here - the comments to the OP 'why can't you feed them?' Because it's his night and she should be able to rely on her ex to give his children some effing dinner!

He's clearly the NRP and he can't even take them to the shop for a meal deal. Again, I completely understand why he didn't want to take them to the partner however his alternative was completely unacceptable and simply put more pressure for Mum to pick up.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 06/10/2021 19:01

@Youseethethingis

Your kids are your top priority. It should not be hard to grasp that another mother prioritises her kids in exactly the same way.
This is about the father’s priorities, not another woman.

Why should these children not be their father’s priority? Why should he not feed them?

CroakInTheHole · 06/10/2021 19:02

And it's almost like you think the partner shouldn't get a say at all. Yes she should, it's her home too, her baby and her c section. So what if it was her who made the decision, she has every right to.

Pinkyxx · 06/10/2021 19:03

YABU - my ex has always insisted on having DC go to his for contact when his wife's kids have a sick bug, inevitably, a few days later DC comes down with it and spreads it to everyone here. I'm at his mercy as he never tells me until after DC is there. Its grossly inconsiderate in my mind, and plain stupid to spread germs in such a way. You were unreasonable to send them in the first place, and very inconsiderate knowing his wife is pregnant. And FWIW I think you're being incredibly unreasonable to characterize this as ''prioritizing her over his children'' it unfairly puts him in a poor light. He's being responsible, I'd be grateful in your shoes.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 06/10/2021 19:03

@Youseethethingis

Your kids are your top priority. It should not be hard to grasp that another mother prioritises her kids in exactly the same way.
Nothing to do with the step mother.

The children should also be their Father's top priority. A park in October and no food isn't exactly screaming prime concern.

It screams - oh fuck, can't take them home, what can I do? A kick about and then I'll drop them off.

chocolatethunder · 06/10/2021 19:03

I won't lie I wouldn't risk it if I was due a C section anytime soon as it complicates things even more then what they are with Covid.
He seen them an that's all that counts.
His new partner is obviously super cautious as she's due to give birth anytime soon still in a pandemic so it is worrying for anyone. My DSD didn't come to visit us on the weekend just gone as her brother had a viral, her mum said not to come as we have young children and didn't want them to catch it- totally reasonable ?? It's happened before you were we've not sent her home cos she fell ill here as her mum needs to work and she has siblings to think of !
You need to think about the other kids an people your effecting if they get ill??

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 06/10/2021 19:03

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

Consideration for others?
willithappen · 06/10/2021 19:04

YABU and a little selfish in your thoughts.

A heavily pregnant women has every right to dictate who comes in their house. Your ex still saw the kids

ilovespinach · 06/10/2021 19:05

Reminds me when ds3 was sick. Myself, along with ds1 and ds2 felt fine and went as planned to stay with friends overnight. Unfortunately we all started being violently sick in the dead of the night. Was horrible having to clean up at someone elses house and travelling home. I'd always air on the side of caution now - especially when coming into contact with someone who's pregnant.

MouseholeCat · 06/10/2021 19:05

YABVU to be so bitter about this. She's heavily pregnant and due for a c-section, if there's an alternative option that limits exposure to a stomach bug then I can totally see why they have taken it. I'm sure if you were in her situation you would be trying to minimise your risk too.

If there's anyone you could be annoyed at in this situation it would be your ex who easily could have fed them.

Minniem2020 · 06/10/2021 19:05

Sorry but I wouldn't anyone with a sickness bug coming to the house, nor do I send my daughter to her dad's when she has one. Surely it's just common sense in not spreading germs

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 19:06

Why should these children not be their father’s priority? all of the fathers children are his priority. Including the unborn one.

Who in their right mind would want to have an ill unborn child on their conscience for the sake of a slight change in plans.

mrsm43s · 06/10/2021 19:07

He should have swung by McDs on the way home (athough, of course that may not have been affordable on such short notice, and presumably they had already bought and cooked food for them to eat - had he known in advance he could probably have bought their portions round when picking up), but apart from that, I honestly can't see what he's done wrong.

OP's attitude, on the other hand, has the potential to do all sorts of damage to the children. OP, please don't voice your opinions to your children.

CroakInTheHole · 06/10/2021 19:07

It screams - oh fuck, can't take them home, what can I do? A kick about and then I'll drop them off

Yes, realistically the best solution would have been for OP to keep them with her instead and not leave it until he's on his way to get them to inform him.

My husband and his ex don't get on all the time. But neither of them would have any issue changing/swapping contact when it comes to illness. If I were pregnant and about to have a c section there is no doubt in my mind that even his ex would think that a bigger priority than DC coming to our house for tea, because she's mainly a considerate human being Confused

IrishMel · 06/10/2021 19:08

He has brought the other children out and if it was me I probably would not want him having contact with anyone in a household who has a sickness bug/virus or whatever if about to give birth. So totally understand where she is coming from. But he brought the kids out but text him tell him to feed them as know it is nice to get an evening off and then having to cook when not expecting it. It must be very difficult for you seeing him having another child with new partner and hope you are taking care of yourself.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 19:08

Bet they enjoyed playing footie with their dad. He'll be too old to do that one day so now they have that memory to treasure.

caketiger · 06/10/2021 19:10

Yanbu. Full stop. Sometimes health takes priority. This is one of them. A vomiting bug is horrid as an adult nvm when 9 months pg.

Monstertrucks · 06/10/2021 19:10

Come on OP you know you're being unreasonable here.
Can you honestly say you would have been happy to be around potentially sick kids when you were due to bring your children into the world... No a chance in hell from me.

Barbie222 · 06/10/2021 19:10

It sounds like you're more narked about the fact you had to sort tea for three rather than tea for one and it put you out. The rest is just the big back story spilling out round the edges. I think you're being unreasonable.

caketiger · 06/10/2021 19:11

That should say YABVU

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 19:11

@Chiwi

Ah op I actually really feel for you and I'm almost exactly your ex's DP in this. I'm heavily pregnant with my 2nd and although I don't want a sickness bug my partner's kids happiness is very high on my list of priorities. A good relationship with their half siblings (although they'd never call them that- they hate the half bit) is so important to me. I would never want them to feel pushed out. In the case of a sickness bug if I was worried, I'd go out and make DP clean at the very most he would take them to grandparents for tea with him there too and just not make a big deal. But he would definitely ensure they were fed (and would get a treat for the one he couldn't see)

You're in a hard position I get why you're upset. I understand her anxieties but I absolutely think the kids come first and she should rearrange to impact them the least. It's what I'd do anyway.

But the impact on them was minimal. They still saw their dad on the usual day, they just played footie in the park instead of going round for dinner. He explained his reasons and I very much doubt they've felt pushed out. This is all adult worries.

Also, it may not even have been down to the dad's partner at all. Maybe he thought for himself that he didn't want his partner or himself coming down with a sickness bug when they are soon to go into hospital, or maybe he didn't want his youngest child coming down with it with the C-section so close either.

rolyisntittimefor · 06/10/2021 19:12

YABU. Sickness bugs more often that not go through the whole household.

Feel for his DP that neither you nor he had the common decency about this. It's right that he sees them but also right to keep them away from vulnerable heavily pregnant person! Just common sense.

Kerikerikeri · 06/10/2021 19:17

Can you imagine going into hospital to have a baby and catching a sickness bug?

I think you should have told him before - I wouldn’t have expected them to go at all TBH.

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