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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
PjsOn · 06/10/2021 19:18

YABU we've just all had the vomiting bug going around (it's awful!!), one by one we got it. They might appear fine but chances are they have it if they all live together and they will pass it on. I'd have done the same, even asked him not to see them as he could get it miss the birth and potentially pass it onto her. I think for once you can cut them some slack, you don't sound very considerate.

Youseethethingis · 06/10/2021 19:18

The father has prioritised the child which is currently the most vulnerable. The unborn one.
The step mother gets a say who is in her home, I know it doesn't suit everyone but it's true. If she's put her foot down because her priority is her own health rather than OPs convenience then she's quite right.
He should probably have taken them to a mcds drive through or something though.

CiaoForNiao · 06/10/2021 19:18

athough, of course that may not have been affordable on such short notice, and presumably they had already bought and cooked food for them to eat

What if OP couldn't afford those extra meals?

Sorry that sounds snarkier than it's meant to.

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 19:19

The children should also be their Father's top priority. A park in October and no food isn't exactly screaming prime concern.

It screams - oh fuck, can't take them home, what can I do? A kick about and then I'll drop them off.

He dropped them off by 6pm? They wouldn't have been in desperate need of food by then.

Tbh I'm guessing he wanted to keep it outside to lessen the chance of catching anything, so maybe that's why he didn't choose a restaurant.

It sounds like you're more narked about the fact you had to sort tea for three rather than tea for one and it put you out.

I don't think it's this, I think that's a non-issue but OP is making it about them 'not being fed' because that makes it seem worse, when actually they were only out for a couple of hours after school by the sounds of it.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 19:22

What if OP couldn't afford those extra meals? then she could have told Dad when he dropped them off and asked him to go and get something.

Upsielazy · 06/10/2021 19:22

@Chiwi

Ah op I actually really feel for you and I'm almost exactly your ex's DP in this. I'm heavily pregnant with my 2nd and although I don't want a sickness bug my partner's kids happiness is very high on my list of priorities. A good relationship with their half siblings (although they'd never call them that- they hate the half bit) is so important to me. I would never want them to feel pushed out. In the case of a sickness bug if I was worried, I'd go out and make DP clean at the very most he would take them to grandparents for tea with him there too and just not make a big deal. But he would definitely ensure they were fed (and would get a treat for the one he couldn't see)

You're in a hard position I get why you're upset. I understand her anxieties but I absolutely think the kids come first and she should rearrange to impact them the least. It's what I'd do anyway.

And if your partner caught the bug there's a chance he wouldn't be able to be at the birth of your child, would you not be concerned about that?
BreatheAndFocus · 06/10/2021 19:25

YABVU. Ideally he wouldn’t have had contact with any of your shared DC but he chose to compromise and see them outside. That’s not pushing them out.

MintyGreenDream · 06/10/2021 19:27

She probably couldn't be arsed with visiting ss and jumped at the chance of not having them with the bug as an excuse.

EverlastingSatisfaction · 06/10/2021 19:31

I wouldn't want someone from a vomitous household to come to my house full stop, never mind if I were having an operation.

seaandsandcastles · 06/10/2021 19:32

Yep, YABVU. She’s about to have major surgery.

It’s good for children to know that sometimes plans change and we have to think of others.

CiaoForNiao · 06/10/2021 19:32

@WeepySheepy

What if OP couldn't afford those extra meals? then she could have told Dad when he dropped them off and asked him to go and get something.
And if he said "no I can't afford it?" Then what?

And before anyone accuses me of "whataboutery" this has happened to me. End of the month when I'm down to pennies. Doesn't matter I've got a meal plan so we won't go hungry. Until ex decides he isn't feeding the dc on his day.
Mind you that only happened once before I made sure I always had meals for all of us even if I wasn't expecting them to be here!

Looneytune253 · 06/10/2021 19:33

You are being massively unreasonable. She's about to GIVE BIRTH and you think it's unreasonable of her to not want to potentially catch a sickness bug. Come on!! Surely no one has that little common sense!!

SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 19:33

@MintyGreenDream

She probably couldn't be arsed with visiting ss and jumped at the chance of not having them with the bug as an excuse.
Yeah, because that's for more likely than a nearly 9 months pregnant woman about to have a c-section not wanting to have a sickness bug in the house 🤦🏻‍♀️
Saracen · 06/10/2021 19:33

YABU, especially for giving him so little notice so he didn't have time to come up with a good plan. This is not something you should have sprung on him. It wasn't considerate.

With some warning, he might have been able to sort out a picnic at the park. Ideally he would have got them a takeaway but as you acknowledge, he may not have had the money for that.

HugeAckmansWife · 06/10/2021 19:34

mi ty that's a massive leap and why MN gets such a bad rep about step parents. There is literally nothing to suggest that the stepmum doesn't like te kids or can't be arsed with them. In these particular circumstances she's asked the dad to make a small adjustment. That's literally all.

liveforsummer · 06/10/2021 19:37

@HugeAckmansWife

mi ty that's a massive leap and why MN gets such a bad rep about step parents. There is literally nothing to suggest that the stepmum doesn't like te kids or can't be arsed with them. In these particular circumstances she's asked the dad to make a small adjustment. That's literally all.
We don't even know she asked. OP has just assumed this.
Worldwide2 · 06/10/2021 19:38

I get you that you feel like your children are not being prioritised and are coming second to his other children. But in these circumstances that is exactly what should happen, she is about to have major surgery and is trying to avoid getting ill. Can you not see that? He hasn't pushed your children aside he has still spent time with them. I really think this is more than just this issue. I don't think your happy he's moved on and I'm not saying it to be horrible. It just comes out in your post. I think you really need to just put this aside and try to not get so riled up. Your kids spent time with their dad and no one got ill before surgery. Win win.

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 19:40

CiaoForNiao While this obviously can and does happen, as it did to you, I'd imagine it's quite rare that neither parent can afford to feed 2 children for one unexpected evening.

I don't think that is the crux of the issue here for OP. She is concerned about her children being pushed out, which is a valid concern, but really isn't the case on this occasion.

CiaoForNiao · 06/10/2021 19:42

@LittleMysSister

CiaoForNiao While this obviously can and does happen, as it did to you, I'd imagine it's quite rare that neither parent can afford to feed 2 children for one unexpected evening.

I don't think that is the crux of the issue here for OP. She is concerned about her children being pushed out, which is a valid concern, but really isn't the case on this occasion.

Oh I know. I was more thinking aloud as it were.
BoredZelda · 06/10/2021 19:42

Personally I don't think he would have changed plans at all without some strong arming on her part.

I wouldn’t have chosen to have children with someone so weak.

AffableApple · 06/10/2021 19:44

Sorry, but YABU. One single visit (which has modified to be safer/less anxious but not been cancelled) vs keeping his partner safer who is about to give birth. I think this is a good balance TBH.

Orphlids · 06/10/2021 19:49

Good for her for insisting she wasn’t exposed to the bug. How many times in her life is she going to be in this position? Not many. You can make an exception and help keep her healthy. She is going to need every ounce of strength in the next few weeks. The fact her DH has children from a previous marriage does not mean she has to be the bottom of the pile forever more.

JustWorriedSick · 06/10/2021 19:49

@MintyGreenDream

She probably couldn't be arsed with visiting ss and jumped at the chance of not having them with the bug as an excuse.
Based on what exactly?
HumphreyCobblers · 06/10/2021 19:52

I picked up a sickness bug from one of my visitors directly after having a c section. Was unbelievably awful, throwing up whilst hanging onto my scar as it felt like it was going to rupture with the pressure. And this was my third section, can’t imagine how grim if it has been my first and trying to establish breastfeeding for the first time.

me4real · 06/10/2021 19:52

YABU she doesn't want to get a bug when she's due to have an operation and that's fair enough.

He could buy them a McDonald's or something though.