DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

YABBU.
When he first made contact with change of plan I would have insisted he picked up McDonalds and brought it with him when he dropped them home. Plus some for you.
Other than that you are being ridiculous.

Jesus it's a one off ffs just make them some dinner for when they get home ! these things happen your reply just make you sound totally fucking nuts !

Yabu- although he does need to feed them. They'll love a cafe trip or a Maccys drive thru on the way home.

It's none of your business what he does with them when he has them. You just sound bitter tbh.

Would you be ok with your kids going into their house if they all had sickness bugs that they might pass to your household, or would you consider making alternative arrangements?

As in, your ex and his wife had a sickness bug?

He told them that it was football at the park this week because DC3 isn't well and they might be incubating the same bug so it was decided they go out instead today because his DP has to go into hospital soon and doesn't want to get ill.

Absolutely nothing wrong with him telling the truth to his children

Yep. YABU. And I'm at the mercy of a BM who thinks as little of my and my DC's health that she sends poorly SDC all the time. I'm immunosuppressed, with a disability and cannot afford to get ill when it is avoidable.
Not everything is about DH prioritising me over his kids, especially when getting ill means me ending up in relapse and in hospital.

@WeepySheepy

Yes I can, but it's not just 'someone' it's his children doesn't make them any less contagious if they've got a stomach bug. If anything it might be harder to keep their distance if they eat together, hug etc.

Exactly.

Honestly OP, this is obviously a symptom of your worry about the new baby impacting on your children but he really isn't unreasonable in what he's done here.

I can see why you're worried about the illness thing going forward but it's only happened a couple of times and both during his partner's pregnancy, with things that could massively impact her.

They already share a child and have clearly kept up contact since that one was born, so there is no reason to assume that once stepmum is not pregnant anymore they will suddenly stop having your kids if they have a cold.

You sound like hard work. He still saw them which is more than I'd do when I'm days away from major abdominal surgery.

@Orangejuicemarathoner

He is being very sensible.

I think you were being unreasonable to send them at all, tbh.

This. They could pass it to their dad who passes it to his partner. Sickness bugs spread around like wildfire.

@Zoflorananana

You are being very unreasonable . He is being sensible.

Seems to me you are looking for problems .

No dinner is his big sin. It would have been easy to fix. I'd be annoyed with him.

Hmm 92%

Hope you take this on board and realise you are wrong.

Op
Think about it this way
Imagine you have a new bf & he has dc & supposing you were in her position & one bf dc were sick - if you were due to have abdominal surgery would you want the dsc round?
I think not
Now as per the food - he probably doesn't want to be too close to dc whilst there eating or inside - please note he did not refuse to see his dc - he managed an alternative. The only addendum here is perhaps he might have brought them a take away MacDonalds but probably he simply didn't think of it?

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Cannot believe so many women’s expectations of fathers doesnt include feeding them when they should. Like, literally keeping them alive with food.

He should have taken them to the park and then to a restaurant.

literally keeping them alive.... dramatic much?

You're being very unreasonable!

Except for him not feeding them. You are not being unreasonable to be pissed off about that, but it didn't sound like that was the main reason you were upset. If you were expecting him to feed them and had planned accordingly, then he absolutely should have. Just because he (understandably) didn't want to bring them into his house he could easily have picked up McDonalds or taken them to a café or something.

@pommedeterre

No dinner is his big sin. It would have been easy to fix. I'd be annoyed with him.

I just don't think it's that big a deal, on one occasion.

I would have picked up dinner for them in his shoes, but equally wouldn't think too hard about it if they were going to be home by their normal dinner time anyway. And OP has already said they were back with her at 6pm.

Sickness bugs are so incredibly contagious and there can be days and days between siblings coming down with vomiting but incubating it and being contagious in the meantime. In your ex's partner's position I probably wouldn't have even wanted your ex to see any of your kids! I think YABVVU to think this reflects on how your ex views your children. I know it's not a sure thing but having norovirus and a c-section just doesn't bear thinking about

Yes I can, but it's not just 'someone' it's his children.

And he still saw them!

TBH, you shouldn't have sent them to his house in the first place knowing one of them had a sickness bug and their step-mum is heavily pregnant. It's irrelevant that the vomiting child stayed at home.

He did exactly the right thing and if they caught a bug at his house just before you were due to have a major operation, you'd want him to keep them at home too.

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities

Your kids don't have to "come first" all of the time, he has other members of his family that he needs to think about and taking all things into consideration I think trying to minimise the chances of a woman who is 9 months pregnant and about to have a major OP getting a sickness bug is a sensible "prioritisation" over taking your two either to the park or back to his house. They weren't even supposed to stay over , they were only going for the evening.

Most kids would understand this if explained to them too. You're being ridiculous.

I can see where you’re coming from wrt the short notice change of plans, especially if the children were looking forward to seeing their half sibling. I wonder how he has explained it to them.

How about "Mum didn't tell me X was unwell with a vomiting bug until I got here, so I'll have to think up an alternative plan to your coming to my house to play and have eg spaghetti bolognese for dinner".

The short notice was from OP originally, not from her Ex. She is not being fair and reasonable at all.

I would have contacted my ex and said that the kids were possibly incubating a vomiting bug as one already had symptoms, and did he prefer to give their visit a miss this week in light of Mrs Ex's condition? Because that would be the decent thing to do (although the children would be disappointed, that can't always be avoided).

Your kids are your top priority.
It should not be hard to grasp that another mother prioritises her kids in exactly the same way.

A woman is 9 months pregnant and wants to be cautious and you think she's being ridicolus?

Ah op I actually really feel for you and I'm almost exactly your ex's DP in this.
I'm heavily pregnant with my 2nd and although I don't want a sickness bug my partner's kids happiness is very high on my list of priorities. A good relationship with their half siblings (although they'd never call them that- they hate the half bit) is so important to me. I would never want them to feel pushed out.
In the case of a sickness bug if I was worried, I'd go out and make DP clean at the very most he would take them to grandparents for tea with him there too and just not make a big deal. But he would definitely ensure they were fed (and would get a treat for the one he couldn't see)

You're in a hard position I get why you're upset. I understand her anxieties but I absolutely think the kids come first and she should rearrange to impact them the least. It's what I'd do anyway.