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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
itsallgoingpearshaped · 06/10/2021 18:06

He should take them out to eat then. It's his turn to pay for and sort food.

1forAll74 · 06/10/2021 18:06

He has made a decision, so you have to go along with it, despite your thoughts on the matter.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 18:06

@CyclingIsNotOuting

I can see where you’re coming from wrt the short notice change of plans, especially if the children were looking forward to seeing their half sibling. I wonder how he has explained it to them. Also he should feed them if that’s what would normally happen.
They're back now, unfed.

He told them that it was football at the park this week because DC3 isn't well and they might be incubating the same bug so it was decided they go out instead today because his DP has to go into hospital soon and doesn't want to get ill.

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 06/10/2021 18:07

I think you need to give your head a wobble

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 18:08

@LowlandLucky

I think you need to give your head a wobble
Very helpful, thanks.
OP posts:
Abraxan · 06/10/2021 18:10

@laurenlodge

Hang on though, what would he have done if the kids were with him full time?! People about to have C-sections wouldn't ban their own kids from the house...
No, but if living with them full time they'd have already been exposed to the bug and it would be unavoidable - this time it is avoidable so why wouldn't you try to avoid catching it if heavily pregnant and due to have an operation very soon?!

If living in the same household they'd have their own spaces permanently and would be able to avoid too much cross contact easier.

It's unfair to compare really as one thing is avoidable and the other isn't.

No one would seriously want to come into close contact with a sickness bug so close to having an operation, if it could be avoided in any way.

Would you??

Sexnotgender · 06/10/2021 18:12

You’re being wildly unreasonable. I’d ask him to still feed them, even if it’s McDonald’s or a chippy on the way home. But other than that he’s still seeing them and has acted entirely reasonably.

worriedatthemoment · 06/10/2021 18:12

Can understand maybe why but he should take them out to dinner and feed them though as its his day

Dartfordwarblerautumn · 06/10/2021 18:13

@WeepySheepy

She's about to have major surgery so it makes sense for her to stay away from someone who has been in close contact with someone with a vomiting bug. Otherwise the whole ward could end up with it.
Exactly. It is just a sensible thing to do and not unreasonable given the circumstances. It’s not like she is just about to have a c section or even any surgery every week!
Abraxan · 06/10/2021 18:13

They are still seeing dad. He hasn't stopped contact.

Hopefully he will practise good hygiene when home and reduce the risk of his partner catching the bug, if the older two are possibly it.

Re the food. If it bothers you then tell him he needs to feed them. McDonalds or similar will be open without the need for booking.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 06/10/2021 18:14

he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse
You seriously have a problem if this is what you’re thinking. How unreasonable can you get!
It’s clear you resent your ex’s pregnant wife and are looking for any excuse to stick the knife in. And you don’t mind having your children as pawns.

LittleMysSister · 06/10/2021 18:17

I do think he should have taken them for dinner instead but other than that I think what he's done is ok?

I don't think him being conscious of not passing a sickness bug to his heavily pregnant partner/young child at the time they least need it is a sign of him pushing your children out at all. It's just sensible.

And the point about if they lived with him and her full-time is (as always) irrelevant because they don't and so there is another better option available. In the same way that if you became unwell yourself while they were with him, you technically have another option too - you could leave them there for a couple of extra days.

I do think your worries about them being pushed out are probably informing your opinion here, which is understandable, but he already has one child with his new partner so there is really no reason to think things would change from how they are now for your kids.

Abraxan · 06/10/2021 18:18

@Zoflorananana

Ok then I can see the majority think I'm being unreasonable. I'll take that. It's just frustrating when you do 90% of the parenting for the NRP to then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.
He hasn't opted out. He still has them. Yes he ought to take them out for food, though tbh if they're potentially harbouring a bug then maybe it would be unwise.

If there was someone in your household having an operation very soon, meaning they were vulnerable and needed to ensure they stayed ill would you not try to reduce contact as much as possible, if you possibly could?

The woman could have issues if she becomes sick just before, during or after her operation. Do you really want to risk that happening?

SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 18:18

So not a pattern per se but a couple of occasions that have the potential to become a pattern if you see what I mean.

Once.

It's not a pattern at all!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 06/10/2021 18:18

Ya massively BU, she’s about to go into hospital for a major operation, of course she doesn’t want someone in her home who is possibly contagious, as a women surely you can understand this Confused

Whybirdwhy · 06/10/2021 18:19

Sorry but YABVU

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 18:21

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Ya massively BU, she’s about to go into hospital for a major operation, of course she doesn’t want someone in her home who is possibly contagious, as a women surely you can understand this Confused
Yes I can, but it's not just 'someone' it's his children.
OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 06/10/2021 18:22

A couple of months ago all three had what was clearly a common cold and ex decided to let them down and rearrange "so they don't pass it on to DP and baby"

Did they all get PCR tests?

If not, “....clearly a common cold”?? C’mon OP - have you been living under a rock for the past 18 months? In this day and age there is absolutely no such thing. Covid presents in a ton of different ways and there is no way you can say this.

Pongo101 · 06/10/2021 18:23

Oh wow remember that really funny day when dad came to pick us up and we went and played football in the park together. So and so scored a goal and then we all had a great treat at Macdonalds and it was a lovely evening, just us and dad, and a real special treat.

Or remember that horrible day when we had been out with dad to play football and have Mcdonalds and mum was really cross with dad and the atmosphere at home was really grim. Dad was really down and mum said some really strange things about dad and i went to bed worrying if dad really loved us anymore.

Your ex gets to make the decisions about what he does with his kids on his time. You get to make the decisions about what you do with your kids on your time. Choose right. Cause one day kids grow into adults with memories and start to put the puzzle pieces back together to reveal the true picture of what really happened.

So just own your own behavior op and let them make their own decisions about whether to go play football in the park or not. And if he doesn't feed them this one time you can hopefully rely on him to feed them one time when you really need a favor.

Chloemol · 06/10/2021 18:24

No issue just tell him it’s still his turn to feed them, so he will have to sort something out

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 06/10/2021 18:24

Cannot believe so many women’s expectations of fathers doesnt include feeding them when they should. Like, literally keeping them alive with food.

He should have taken them to the park and then to a restaurant.

bg21 · 06/10/2021 18:24

your just coming across as a very bitter ex ! totally unreasonable

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 06/10/2021 18:25

Yes I can, but it's not just 'someone' it's his children.

It doesn’t matter who it is, hence why I said someone, she’s putting her health and that of her unborn child first before she has a major operation, any mother will do this. Not only is she protecting herself she’s also protecting the hospital.

He hasn’t not had them, he’s simply taken them out for a game of football which is far better for them than simply sitting in the house.

Yes he should have fed them however.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 18:25

Yes I can, but it's not just 'someone' it's his children doesn't make them any less contagious if they've got a stomach bug. If anything it might be harder to keep their distance if they eat together, hug etc.

cabinfever102 · 06/10/2021 18:25

You don't sound like a particularly nice person.