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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 10/10/2021 18:41

We’re taking about the actual situation, which is that the two dc were perfectly well. Not some imaginary situation where they had Covid.

It’s a vomiting bug, not Covid. It’s reasonable for him and his wife to be concerned about the risk to her and her unborn baby if she catches the bug. Especially when she’s about to go into hospital for a C section.

Cadent · 10/10/2021 18:41

@CiaoForNiao Sad Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2021 18:42

@Cadent

2 parks in an hour with a dad who can’t be arsed with you for the rest of the week? Some treat.
What are you trying to prove? Most people do not think they have a good contact arrangement. But on this occasion, taking them to a park would for many children be just as good if not better than just going to his house. Most kids really like parks.
BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 18:43

2 hours in a cold park is not a treat. I disagree. My two DSC pestered DH to take them to the park last time they were here. They wanted to take photos of some trees for one of their school projects and had a great time.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 18:44

@Cadent

2 parks in an hour with a dad who can’t be arsed with you for the rest of the week? Some treat.
Well yeah they were probably thinking yay! Dad! Yay! Park!
FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 18:49

@WrapAroundYourDreams

You have no idea why she doesn't work and she doesn't need to explain it to you just because you have a shit ex who doesn't pay toward your children.

But someone has to pay for them. Hence I work fucking hard to. And it's a genuine question because I don't know how anyone could be a single parent and not work? I already said, it's obviously different if someone can't due to theirs or their child's ill health, or additional needs etc.

She still doesn't need to justify it to you and it's certainly not an excuse for their Dad to do next to no parenting.
FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 18:52

@Cadent

They’re his kids. He needs to have them regardless of their health status.

No one has the kids when OP is sick. She just has to get on with it.

What would happen if their half- sibling had a virus? Him and his wife would just have to get on with it and isolate him as best they could.

They would have to "get on with it" with the half siblings because there's is no other option.

I don't think there is anything wrong with DSC not being passed from house to house when poorly and that works both ways. I've said already on this thread if DSC have gotten sick whilst with us, they have stayed here longer rather than go to Mum's and infect her household and vice versa. Because what's the point in passing bugs around just for the sake of it? It doesn't happen often enough in most families to warrant it being a huge issue if sick kids miss or rearrange the odd contact.

phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2021 18:53

What are you trying to prove? Most people do not think they have a good contact arrangement. But on this occasion, taking them to a park would for many children be just as good if not better than just going to his house. Most kids really like parks.

This and depending on where they are located, it wasn’t too cold to be outside and playing football would have warmed them up.

Starlive23 · 10/10/2021 18:54

YABVU!

Cadent · 10/10/2021 18:54

Dad takes you to the park as part of a weekend or overnight of contact: treat

Dad takes you to the park because ‘DC3 is incubating a bug’ and only sees you for 2 hours with no tea = not a treat

See @CiaoForNiao ‘a post above for his hurtful this can be.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 18:55

@Cadent

Except he didn’t feed them and dumped them home after 2 hours.

He saw his kids for 2 hours across 7 days. What a prince.

He basically does this anyway whether they are sick or not he only sees them once for a few hours for tea every 7 days. Imo that's not enough but that is the arrangement be and OP have, the fact he spent those few hours in a park rather than a house isn't actually anything to do with OP. He should have fed them but other than that he didn't do anything wrong.

The other issues about him not seeing them enough are valid but separate to what OP was pissed about on this occasion.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 18:57

DH has taken his kids to the park many times during covid as they live miles away and there was nowhere else to go. Not his fault that's the only place he could see them (yes for a couple of hours)

Cadent · 10/10/2021 18:57

He basically does this anyway whether they are sick or not he only sees them once for a few hours for tea every 7 days. Imo that's not enough but that is the arrangement be and OP have, the fact he spent those few hours in a park rather than a house isn't actually anything to do with OP. He should have fed them but other than that he didn't do anything wrong.

No, it’s not an ‘arrangement he and OP have’ Hmm

This is the arrangement because this is all he is prepared to do

You are implying OP is responsible for his lack of contact with his dc and that’s just not right.

I imagine if he gave more of a shit about seeing his kids, OP wouldn’t be so upset. She has to bear the fall out.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 18:58

@FlipItDown I agree park vs house is a pointless argument. The lack of time he sees them is more important.

Cadent · 10/10/2021 18:59

@BlanketPiggy

DH has taken his kids to the park many times during covid as they live miles away and there was nowhere else to go. Not his fault that's the only place he could see them (yes for a couple of hours)
Well OP says her ex is always like this, regardless of Covid. So that’s not a valid excuse.
BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 19:01

My point was that at no point has he been considered shit for taking them to the park.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 19:01

Parks are literally designed for kids

Cadent · 10/10/2021 19:07

See my post of 18.54

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 19:10

It's better than dad doesn't see you at all only facetime or dad takes you back to tea at his place and you infect your stepmother (who who might be quite fond of) and make her really ill affecting the birth of your halfsibling (you are quite fond of your current one) and making her vomit in an operating theatre.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 19:10

I'm still waiting for somebody to say why it's a good idea or acceptable for a man to go on and create more children when he barely sees the ones he already has, by choice.

I asked that question a few pages back but nobody answered.

OP posts:
BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 19:11

It doesn't matter if it's a good idea or not. It's happening and that unborn child has as much right to exist as yours.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 19:12

@Cadent

He basically does this anyway whether they are sick or not he only sees them once for a few hours for tea every 7 days. Imo that's not enough but that is the arrangement be and OP have, the fact he spent those few hours in a park rather than a house isn't actually anything to do with OP. He should have fed them but other than that he didn't do anything wrong.

No, it’s not an ‘arrangement he and OP have’ Hmm

This is the arrangement because this is all he is prepared to do

You are implying OP is responsible for his lack of contact with his dc and that’s just not right.

I imagine if he gave more of a shit about seeing his kids, OP wouldn’t be so upset. She has to bear the fall out.

Okay I'll word it differently, it's what he does every week, sees them for a few hours once in 7 days. I have at no point said that I think that's enough or that I think he's a good Dad, I've said the opposite that it absolutely isn't enough and he should see them more. But the point I was making is that he only ever sees them for this length of time anyway, the fact it was in a park instead of a house this week is irrelevant and nothing to do with OP, he can spend the measley about of time he sees the kids doing whatever the hell be wants with them, its not up to OP to say it has to be at his house it's his contact time, he can take them wherever he wants during it.

He should have fed them absolutely but other than that OP doesn't get to dictate that they go to his home rather than a park.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 19:13

@Zoflorananana

I'm still waiting for somebody to say why it's a good idea or acceptable for a man to go on and create more children when he barely sees the ones he already has, by choice.

I asked that question a few pages back but nobody answered.

I think most people OP have actually agreed that your ex is a pretty useless father in general. It's just a shame that the one scenario you originally posted about what he did was quite reasonable. If you'd have started off with the background and about how he barely sees them etc.. you'd have got a lot more support from the off.
Worldwide2 · 10/10/2021 19:17

I can imagine In his head he thought it would be fine and it would be one big happy family perhaps and the reality is far different.
Can i ask when you first split before he had other children did he see his kids more then? Did he take the children at weekends or when he left did he just not have them over?

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 19:29

@Zoflorananana

I'm still waiting for somebody to say why it's a good idea or acceptable for a man to go on and create more children when he barely sees the ones he already has, by choice.

I asked that question a few pages back but nobody answered.

No-one has said he’s father of the year.

Same as he’s been roundly criticised for not feeding them before bringing them home.

That’s not the issue you posted about though so people were, understandably, replying to that.

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