DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

None of this conundrum would even exist if the OW hadn’t shagged a married man and started churning out his babies while he neglects his existing children. She wouldn’t have this problem if she was a decent person. Of course he is the primary shit in this but wow, I’ve never seen a thread with such sympathy and support for an OW! I feel for her unborn baby (for many reasons!) but not one jot for her.

She doesn’t deserve to be made ill though, especially when pregnant and especially when she’s just about to give birth. If you feel for the unborn baby like you say you do then surely you wouldn’t be so “oh well she deserves it” about the mother. Because whatever affects the mother, affects the baby too.

I think even if she wasn’t the OW, people would be very smug about the possibility that she might get ill anyway. “That’s what you get for being with a man with children.” People might not say it, but I bet they think it.

@TwinsandTrifle do you honestly think a grandparent has the same obligations and responsibilities towards children as their father does?! Avoiding the grandparent in your scenario wouldn’t impact upon the child’s relationship with their parent. I’m any case you’re overlooking the fact that I don’t think the father did the wrong thing in this precise instance, he still saw his kids for the usual contact. I’m sympathising with the OP for feeling frustrated and upset that the woman who her husband had an affair with is now obstructing the children’s relationship with their dad, in any tiny way - that’s hard for any caring parent to stomach. Also because he’s a shit dad generally there is little room for cutting slack. Any reduction on his already pitiful parenting is unacceptable.

And my comment about this only being a problem because she got with a married man was just me musing exactly that. A family you create by collaborating in shattering another, is never going to be straightforward and I have no sympathy for that. I know most people on here disagree with me though which is fine, I just find it surprising.

Wow MayorGoodwaysChicken, you sound like a woman scorned. Is your marriage ok?

@ASeagullShatInMyEye

Or another perspective *@MayorGoodwaysChicken and @KurtWilde*

None of this would have happened if the OP's marriage had been sound in the first place. Marriage breakdowns involve myriad complexities and affairs are often a symptom, not a cause.

The "OW" is no longer the "OW": she is the ex husband's wife and the mother of the first batch of DC's half siblings. In this particular scenario she has done nothing wrong at all.

Completely agree with that, I was just responding to the poster who seemed to place all the blame at OWs door. But the fact remains that if your relationship isn't great, that doesn't excuse cheating. You either stay and fix it or leave BEFORE you start a relationship with someone else.

I’m really not a woman scorned. Without wanting to tempt fate (I’ve read enough threads on here to take nothing for granted!) I’m in a wonderful, secure and happy marriage and trust my husband implicitly. It is my first and only marriage and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on by anyone. I am a child of a cheater whose affairs wrecked our family and my childhood so perhaps that influences my feelings towards the issue but is it really so odd that someone can think it’s wrong to have an affair without needing some traumatic back story to justify the view?! Do most decent people not think badly of shagging around while married…?!

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m really not a woman scorned. Without wanting to tempt fate (I’ve read enough threads on here to take nothing for granted!) I’m in a wonderful, secure and happy marriage and trust my husband implicitly. It is my first and only marriage and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on by anyone. I am a child of a cheater whose affairs wrecked our family and my childhood so perhaps that influences my feelings towards the issue but is it really so odd that someone can think it’s wrong to have an affair without needing some traumatic back story to justify the view?! Do most decent people not think badly of shagging around while married…?!

Yes most people think that, we just don't think it factors into whether she should be allowed basic medical care and consideration by those around her.

I don’t think anyone is justifying cheating. But there must surely come a point where you move beyond your anger and accept that your ex has a new family? The children are not to blame for the actions of their parents, are they?

And it’s surely right to take precautions to protect the health of a heavily pregnant woman and her unborn child just before a C section? Not to mention the responsibility to avoid the risk of going into hospital when infectious with a vomiting bug.

Yes most people think that, we just don't think it factors into whether she should be allowed basic medical care and consideration by those around her.

And anyone who disagrees with that is pretty sick minded if I’m honest.

Do most decent people not think badly of shagging around while married…?!

Of course they do?

But that doesn't mind the person who was left is justified in every thought and feeling when it comes to their ex for the rest of their lives.

I think most would understand why OP hates her ex and his wife, and why she has reacted to this as she has, but that doesn't mean we would agree with her here when she asks whether she is being unreasonable or not.

Taking the strong emotions OP feels out of the equation, her criticism of her ex on the evening in quesion is unfair.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I’m really not a woman scorned. Without wanting to tempt fate (I’ve read enough threads on here to take nothing for granted!) I’m in a wonderful, secure and happy marriage and trust my husband implicitly. It is my first and only marriage and to my knowledge I’ve never been cheated on by anyone. I am a child of a cheater whose affairs wrecked our family and my childhood so perhaps that influences my feelings towards the issue but is it really so odd that someone can think it’s wrong to have an affair without needing some traumatic back story to justify the view?! Do most decent people not think badly of shagging around while married…?!

That explains the vitriol then, thanks for explaining.

Yes that's shit and I'm sorry your DF/DM's(?) behaviour had a negative impact on your life, but it would be sensible not to allow it to colour your view against the alleged OW in this case as we only have OP's version of events to go by and we can't be sure everything is as claimed.

I find it interesting that despite the protestations that the OW broke up the OP's family, the bloke went to live with family for quite some time instead of shacking up with the OW right away which is usually the case when somebody leaves a marriage for somebody else.

I'm wondering whether the OW is the OW at all or merely somebody that came into his life post split when he was already lodging with family.

It wouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility would it? I'm sure many separated people would still consider the new partner the OW in such cases, despite that not being factually accurate.

@LizzieW1969

I don’t think anyone is justifying cheating. But there must surely come a point where you move beyond your anger and accept that your ex has a new family? The children are not to blame for the actions of their parents, are they?

And it’s surely right to take precautions to protect the health of a heavily pregnant woman and her unborn child just before a C section? Not to mention the responsibility to avoid the risk of going into hospital when infectious with a vomiting bug.

I totally agree. I think most people on the thread agree, but some have been kinder to the OP than others in how they say so. I’m just sympathising with the situation she and her children have been put in and musing that the OW can’t really expect the same smooth ride into parenthood that she would have had if she hadn’t chosen a married man with existing kids to father her babies! Other posters seem able to draw a clear line between that and the current situation but I don’t think it’s that neat and I have a lot of sympathy for the OP struggling to accommodate the needs of the OW over what’s best for you her own children. That’s all.

@DSandnappies I really don’t have ‘vitriol’ I just have morals. I love how a woman with standards had to be painted as some sort of bitter harridan. I also think murderers and thieves are bad people - do I have to have been killed or robbed to think that? Very odd how offended you seem to be by my dislike of cheaters.

Oh and the OP explicitly stated that he left the family for the OW. So unless she’s flat out lying in which case the whole thread is a pointless waste of time, I think your musings about the poor OW perhaps being an innocent bystander are probably a way off.

[quote MayorGoodwaysChicken]@DSandnappies I really don’t have ‘vitriol’ I just have morals. I love how a woman with standards had to be painted as some sort of bitter harridan. I also think murderers and thieves are bad people - do I have to have been killed or robbed to think that? Very odd how offended you seem to be by my dislike of cheaters.[/quote]
I'm not remotely offended, just a bit at how angry you were coming across.

Maybe that’s just the limitations of written posts because I’m not angry at all. I’m just pretty matter of fact in how I view people like the OP’s ex and feel aggrieved on the OP’s behalf at how unkind and scathing a lot of people have been to her on this thread.

Yabvu.

I would have done exactly the same as your ex.

I’m curious
I was away at uni and planning on going home home weekend.

My ‘step’ mother said my siblings were ill and she didn’t want an extra person in the house.

Was she being a horrible person?

Their house was my only home. I was in residence. Life isn’t always easy or perfect to make choices in

OW can’t really expect the same smooth ride into parenthood that she would have had if she hadn’t chosen a married man with existing kids to father her babies!

There we have it! Exactly what I said before.
“That’s what you get for getting with a man with children”.

She can expect people to be considerate and not pass on their germs when it can clearly be avoided. That’s how smooth people can make it for her and OW or not, stepmum or not she does deserve that. It’s so easy to achieve too but clearly to some people out of principle she needs to just suck it up as above.

OW can’t really expect the same smooth ride into parenthood that she would have had if she hadn’t chosen a married man with existing kids to father her babies!

When the needs being weighed up are her need, and the other mothers in her hospital ward's, need to not have D&V at this time, vs the kids need to be in the house rather than the park on that particular night, yes she can expect that. The responses to OP have been harsh because she's as unreasonable as you are for failing to recognise that just because you don't like her as a person.

When growing up, I was very, almost abnormally, close to both my parents. My parents were together in one home.

During much of my adolescence, my father was immunosuppressed due to both illness and treatment, and, as one would now say, CEV.

If ever I had so much as a cold, I was expected (and expected myself) to stay away from him, which sometimes meant that I was essentially confined to my room. If I'd had an alternative home, I would have stayed there rather than going near him when I was ill. I did avoid home visits if I was ill when at university.

I fully accepted this.

The stepmother in this case is very temporarily clinically vulnerable, and should be protected from illness at the time of a caesarian: for her own sake, her baby's sake, and the sake of staff and fellow patients in hospital.

Whether she is a good person or the ex a good parent are separate issues. Even a convicted criminal should be protected from illness when giving birth.

Yes exactly that, it's like her health shouldn't matter on "principle"

It's literally should you risk a pregnant mother's health, over one dinner. And I don't get why going to the park is so awful, my DC would rather be there than sat in the house. To try and call this "banished from the house"

the OW can’t really expect the same smooth ride into parenthood that she would have had if she hadn’t chosen a married man with existing kids to father her babies! it's going to be difficult enough for her without her getting a vomiting bug at this stage.

Whether she is a good person or the ex a good parent are separate issues. Even a convicted criminal should be protected from illness when giving birth. I agree.

OW can’t really expect the same smooth ride into parenthood that she would have had if she hadn’t chosen a married man with existing kids to father her babies

Seriously?? No I'm sorry but that's bullshit !