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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 19:47

@Worldwide2

I can imagine In his head he thought it would be fine and it would be one big happy family perhaps and the reality is far different. Can i ask when you first split before he had other children did he see his kids more then? Did he take the children at weekends or when he left did he just not have them over?
He saw them slightly more yes but it was always here at my house so not quality contact.

When we first split up he went to stay with family and "couldn't have them there" for whatever reason.

He only ever started having them overnight on rare occasions and during the holidays once he got a place with the partner.

OP posts:
Worldwide2 · 10/10/2021 19:54

So he sounds pretty crap from the get go. Was he a hands on involved dad when he was at home with you?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 19:58

@Worldwide2

So he sounds pretty crap from the get go. Was he a hands on involved dad when he was at home with you?
To be fair to him yes he was, unfortunately it that effort only exists when in a relationship and living with the kids.

I'm sure his partner thinks he's a great dad, probably wouldn't think that if he left her and repeated the cycle though.

OP posts:
Worldwide2 · 10/10/2021 20:07

It's shit that he hasn't been consistent with his treatment towards your dc as he was when he was with you. I dont get how some dad's just don't seem to care once the leave the home. So regardless of him having more children he would have been a pretty crap dad anyway which obviously isn't what you want. I think as much as it hurts you and angers you, drop your expectations in him. Honestly for your own mental well being stop thinking about what he isn't doing ect and just focus on being a great mum. I know its horrible thinking they are missing out but really what kind of person are they missing out on anyway? I don't know how old your children are but I'm sure as they grow up they will realise how little he bothered with them and they won't be as bothered about him either. I would just try to be supportive of them if they ever want to talk about him and express any disappointment. Otherwise just try to not mention him and not let it get to you anymore.

Billandben444 · 10/10/2021 21:09

So his shitty 2 hours of parenting a week is acceptable because it ‘suits him and his new family’?
Read my post again - I didn't say it was acceptable, I said it is what it is and, yes, he's a rubbish dad to his first family.

Volhhg · 10/10/2021 21:28

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2021 21:29

@Volhhg

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.
What an awful way to think.
Coffeey · 10/10/2021 21:32

@Volhhg

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.
That's disgusting. "Pregnant lady" is carrying one of his children for starters.
MadreT · 10/10/2021 21:37

@Volhhg

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.
Troll
CallMeNutribullet · 10/10/2021 21:54

@Zoflorananana

I'm still waiting for somebody to say why it's a good idea or acceptable for a man to go on and create more children when he barely sees the ones he already has, by choice.

I asked that question a few pages back but nobody answered.

People are telling you you're unreasonable for being angry at a heavily pregnant woman for not wanting to risk a sickness bug days before a planned c-section op.

Your ex might be a crap father, I have an ex who is a crap father too but you need to let go of your obvious bitterness over him moving on. Holding on to it will only make you miserable.

Volhhg · 10/10/2021 21:58

@Cadent

They’re his kids. He needs to have them regardless of their health status.

No one has the kids when OP is sick. She just has to get on with it.

What would happen if their half- sibling had a virus? Him and his wife would just have to get on with it and isolate him as best they could.

Yes exactly. this post has been turned into bitter hatred toward the first wife resident parent whatever. Yeah it's hugely inconvenient having children from a previous relationship so don't go on to have more if you can't welcome them into your home no matter how dangerous it may be
Youseethethingis · 10/10/2021 22:02

It's the pregnant lady's home, not the home of OPs children. That's the bottom line.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2021 22:06

Yeah it's hugely inconvenient having children from a previous relationship so don't go on to have more if you can't welcome them into your home no matter how dangerous it may be

That is such a foolish thing to say when there are alternatives that would pose no danger to the child. "No matter how dangerous it may be", honestly...

Volhhg · 10/10/2021 22:27

@Youseethethingis

It's the pregnant lady's home, not the home of OPs children. That's the bottom line.
Might be the bottom line for you. Plenty of times I stayed elsewhere to give the kids a bit of time and space and on one occasion to avoid illness. It's my home I pay for it but I'm an adult and often put childrens feelings routines whatever first. No one asked me I just did it because I could see how important it was for the kids to see their dad, might have been a little inconvenient but that's as far as it goes. Kids trump end of!!
Youseethethingis · 10/10/2021 22:28

That's your choice.
Maybe this pregnant lady is just a better mother than you are as she chooses to prioritise her own childs health.
End of.

Coffeey · 10/10/2021 22:32

Kids trump end of!!

No they don't. End of!!

funinthesun19 · 10/10/2021 22:41

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.

Might be the bottom line for you. Plenty of times I stayed elsewhere to give the kids a bit of time and space and on one occasion to avoid illness. It's my home I pay for it but I'm an adult and often put childrens feelings routines whatever first. No one asked me I just did it because I could see how important it was for the kids to see their dad, might have been a little inconvenient but that's as far as it goes. Kids trump end of!!

Kids don’t always trump at all. They’ve been able to see their father away from the house safely, so that a pregnant lady isn’t exposed to any illnesses. Maybe this will be a great life lesson for them about thinking of others? It’s easily explained to them why they can’t be there on this occasion.

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2021 22:55

Kids trump end of!!

You always know the kind of comment you're getting when it ends with "end of"

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 23:07

What would happen if their half- sibling had a virus? Him and his wife would just have to get on with it and isolate him as best they could.

And in that case you can bet your bottom dollar the OP would prefer him to take her kids out rather than just taking them to the house and risking them getting ill.

It works both ways.

The only thing he did wrong was not feeding them. Keeping them outdoors was the sensible thing to do.

EatSlugs · 10/10/2021 23:23

Serious question @Volhhg , why do you care that the few hours he was due to see them for was spent at a park rather than his house? Do you not think he has every right to spend his contact time however and wherever he wants?

If he was due to have them overnight and then took them to a park for an hour instead I'd understand but he was only ever supposed to have them for a few hours anyway, which he did, just not at his house. Why does it matter?

VeryOldPoster · 11/10/2021 00:23

I had similar situation and even posted on here under different name: family member still wanted to come to my Christmas Party while suffering from winter bug. I asked her not to. She still holds a grudge against me for this.
While your DCs are not showing symptoms, it is early days and they might already carry the virus. I think you should have informed Your Ex earlier about sick child and not when he has already picked them up. Very selfish and un-responsible of you.

2Two · 11/10/2021 00:29

[quote Travis1]@2Two except he did opt Out. He didn’t feed them. what if OP hadn’t had anything in for their dinner because she was expecting them to be fed by dad? Why is it ok for him to abdicate that responsibility? Honestly the race to the bottom for the men on here is fucking ridiculous[/quote]
So are we going to ignore the fact that he took them out, then? I agree he should have made arrangements to feed them, but to be fair the OP seems to have sprung it on him that one of the kids was ill so he had to rearrange things at no notice.

VeryOldPoster · 11/10/2021 00:33

No idea why you making such a big deal of him not feeding the kids. Of course, he could have taken them to McDonald's, but failing that, how hard it it to rustle up some supper for 2 young children?

2Two · 11/10/2021 00:34

@Volhhg

Nope his children should always be his priority. Pregnant lady is an adult who can look after herself and her unborn child.
How exactly do you look after yourself and your unborn child when you have caught a totally avoidable vomiting bug shortly before going into hospital for a Caesarian?
TwinsandTrifle · 11/10/2021 00:51

Your feelings about your ex and his DP are massively clouding your judgement.

This. You sound quite ridiculous OP. She's naturally wanting to prevent any sickness in the few days before she has surgery and a newborn. And you're having a strop because two of your children played outside instead, and had to eat dinner at yours.

Best risk the health of a heavily pregnant mother or the newborn child, to ensure the important thing here. Two of your kids get dinner and an afternoon indoors Hmm Better a mother and unborn child become ill instead of your kids playing outside and you feeding them.

I can't believe this is even real.

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