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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 15:41

It's harsh of you to judge him for working nights when he's the only one working tbb

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 15:50

@BlanketPiggy

It's harsh of you to judge him for working nights when he's the only one working tbb
I'm not judging him for working nights at all, I simply said that was the reason he gives for only having them for a few hours a week!
OP posts:
TicTacHoh · 10/10/2021 15:50

@BlanketPiggy

It's harsh of you to judge him for working nights when he's the only one working tbb
This.
Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 10/10/2021 15:52

@KurtWilde

I will admit to being resentful of the fact that my DC miss out on so much in comparison to his new children will do.

But your relationship ended. That's not the fault of his new children, that's the fault of whatever was wrong with your relationship.

No it's the fault of a shit father who doesn't prioritise time with his kids.

One tea a week doesn't constitute parenting.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 15:57

That's the point I was making, Yours. Thank you.

They've found something else to berate me for now it seems.

OP posts:
WrapAroundYourDreams · 10/10/2021 15:58

I'm not judging him for working nights at all, I simply said that was the reason he gives for only having them for a few hours a week!

But you aren't working. At all. So whilst he should be having them more than a few hours a week (which is an entirely separate issue to the issue you started this thread about)- it really makes a massive difference to the situation. You complain about doing 99% of the parenting but he is doing 100% of the working. He should be parenting more but unless there are health issues for you or serious additional needs for your DC I don't understand how as a single parent you aren't working OP.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 15:58

I haven't even agreed with OP throughout this thread but I'm not sure what her employment status has to do with any of this. Whether she works or not, a father seeing their child once a week for tea is not enough.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 16:00

@WrapAroundYourDreams

I'm not judging him for working nights at all, I simply said that was the reason he gives for only having them for a few hours a week!

But you aren't working. At all. So whilst he should be having them more than a few hours a week (which is an entirely separate issue to the issue you started this thread about)- it really makes a massive difference to the situation. You complain about doing 99% of the parenting but he is doing 100% of the working. He should be parenting more but unless there are health issues for you or serious additional needs for your DC I don't understand how as a single parent you aren't working OP.

OP not working isn't anything to do with this thread, she doesn't need to justify how or why she doesn't work.
Cadent · 10/10/2021 16:01

@WrapAroundYourDreams

I'm not judging him for working nights at all, I simply said that was the reason he gives for only having them for a few hours a week!

But you aren't working. At all. So whilst he should be having them more than a few hours a week (which is an entirely separate issue to the issue you started this thread about)- it really makes a massive difference to the situation. You complain about doing 99% of the parenting but he is doing 100% of the working. He should be parenting more but unless there are health issues for you or serious additional needs for your DC I don't understand how as a single parent you aren't working OP.

He’s doing 100% of the working for his NEW family.

Him working 100% doesn’t benefit OP. CMS is a joke.

Ans no one knows why OP isn’t working.

WrapAroundYourDreams · 10/10/2021 16:04

Well she's criticised their father for working- i wonder who is paying for the DC if she isn't working? Maybe their father?

Maybe those of us who are working single parents who have useless experience husbands who pay very little/see their DC very little are wondering how it's possible to be a single parent whilst not working?

She's been entirely unreasonable about her ex and his partner- it definitely puts a different slant to find out that OP doesn't work.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 16:07

@FlipItDown

I haven't even agreed with OP throughout this thread but I'm not sure what her employment status has to do with any of this. Whether she works or not, a father seeing their child once a week for tea is not enough.
OP is the one who decided to complain about his work pattern.
Cadent · 10/10/2021 16:08

@WrapAroundYourDreams she didn’t criticise her ex for working.

And entirely unreasonable? So she was unreasonable to be annoyed he brought the kids back unfed even though the whole point of it was for them to have tea with their dad?

JustLyra · 10/10/2021 16:08

I think the Op has been massively out of order at various points in the thread, but her employment status is irrelevant.

There’s nothing to say she’s living off her ex. Given how shit CMS is unless he’s a premiership footballer it’s unlikely she’s living life as a lady of leisure on his cash.

It’s completely irrelevant to his behaviour or the situation with their kids.

Cadent · 10/10/2021 16:09

OP is the one who decided to complain about his work pattern.

You have no idea why OP isn’t working. I doubt it’s for shits and giggles.

WrapAroundYourDreams · 10/10/2021 16:12

And entirely unreasonable? So she was unreasonable to be annoyed he brought the kids back unfed even though the whole point of it was for them to have tea with their dad?

I think she was. Because a reasonable person would have contacted him in advance and given him the option to rearrange, knowing that he had a partner who was due any day, and knowing that the DC could be incubating a D&V bug.

Honeycomb129 · 10/10/2021 16:17

Some of you are being very harsh you have no idea why the OP doesn’t work how do you know she doesn’t have a disability to prevent her from working you’re all criticising her for not working and yet moan at her for judging her ex for working night which in fairness she didn’t she just happened to say that was his reason for not having the children. I am in a similar situation as the OW I am 36 weeks pregnant awaiting a c section my partner works and has 3 children from a previous relationship, I would never stop them coming over to see their dad for whatever reason, they’re ill they come it’s their dads job to take care of the children too. OP told them the truth about the third child being ill he still wanted to take the other 2 he should of tried to provide a meal regardless of what the situation was he could of took them anywhere for a meal McDonald’s, kfc for example. I understand why the OW is being cautious being in the same situation but the other children shouldn’t be pushed out either.

Barbie222 · 10/10/2021 16:18

@FlipItDown

I haven't even agreed with OP throughout this thread but I'm not sure what her employment status has to do with any of this. Whether she works or not, a father seeing their child once a week for tea is not enough.
OP is free to explain why she hasn't been to court to ask for a 50:50 care arrangement. In the absence of that explanation. the arrangement she has is the usual RP / NRP sortout that is usual practice.
FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 16:40

@WrapAroundYourDreams

Well she's criticised their father for working- i wonder who is paying for the DC if she isn't working? Maybe their father?

Maybe those of us who are working single parents who have useless experience husbands who pay very little/see their DC very little are wondering how it's possible to be a single parent whilst not working?

She's been entirely unreasonable about her ex and his partner- it definitely puts a different slant to find out that OP doesn't work.

I don't think she criticised him for working. She said he used working nights as a reason why he can only see his kids once a week for tea, she then went on to explain he actually has another two nights off in the week which he chooses not to spend with his DC.

Whether or not OP works, him seeing them once a week for a few hours and a plate of food is not enough.

You have no idea why she doesn't work and she doesn't need to explain it to you just because you have a shit ex who doesn't pay toward your children.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 16:41

OP is free to explain why she hasn't been to court to ask for a 50:50 care arrangement. In the absence of that explanation. the arrangement she has is the usual RP / NRP sortout that is usual practice

Is it normal practice for a father to have NO overnights? This isn't an EOW and once in the week for tea agreement, he literally never has them overnight. That's not the standard agreement as far as I'm aware.

Cadent · 10/10/2021 16:42

@WrapAroundYourDreams

And entirely unreasonable? So she was unreasonable to be annoyed he brought the kids back unfed even though the whole point of it was for them to have tea with their dad?

I think she was. Because a reasonable person would have contacted him in advance and given him the option to rearrange, knowing that he had a partner who was due any day, and knowing that the DC could be incubating a D&V bug.

A reasonable dad would have taken the kids out to eat.
FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 16:44

I do agree it was unreasonable not to tell him sooner though that DC was sick.

Cadent · 10/10/2021 16:47

She wan’t expecting to take sick dc!

Cadent · 10/10/2021 16:49

OP is free to explain why she hasn't been to court to ask for a 50:50 care arrangement. In the absence of that explanation. the arrangement she has is the usual RP / NRP sortout that is usual practice.

You can’t force someone to have their dc 50/50. That doesn’t require an explanation. Op has already said he has the dc as little as possible.

FlipItDown · 10/10/2021 17:01

@Cadent

She wan’t expecting to take sick dc!
I never said she was. I said she should have told them that the DC was sick before he came. D&V bugs are notorious for making their way through the whole family, if one child has it it isn't uncommon for the others to come down with it soon after. She should have told him regardless as to whether that particular DC was going or not.
Cadent · 10/10/2021 17:03

They’re his kids. He needs to have them regardless of their health status.

No one has the kids when OP is sick. She just has to get on with it.

What would happen if their half- sibling had a virus? Him and his wife would just have to get on with it and isolate him as best they could.