Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 09/10/2021 21:27

You do actually have to be careful though when booked in for a c section.

I remember many years ago my friend was told to try not be around people who are sick in the weeks coming up to the operation. Because remember it is a major operation. Caution is needed

I think it makes perfect sense what he’s done personally.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/10/2021 21:29

My husband had a slight temp. When I had my second. He was banned from the delivery room

He actually nearly died from what he had. But I had my second right at the start of his sickness.

CheeseTwists · 09/10/2021 21:34

@Nocutenamesleft

My husband had a slight temp. When I had my second. He was banned from the delivery room

He actually nearly died from what he had. But I had my second right at the start of his sickness.

Christ, poor bloke. What did he have?!
Nocutenamesleft · 09/10/2021 21:53

@CheeseTwists. We never found out. He didn’t feel well. My child had a virus. He got it. Or so we thought. He came out in this weird huge blistered rash. That was a few days after the temp started. Originally the GP thought it was some type of pneumonia?!?

He got taken into hospital and he deteriorated rapidly. I’d had my child but suffered with eclampsia and I was also really unwell. I suffered a bleed on the brain. When I was able to. His dad rung me and said you need to ring the hospital. I rang them and they told me they had no idea what it was. His bloods were all over the place. They’d tried him on some 14 types of antibiotics. They thought he might of picked up some stupidly rare virus. But without knowing what the virus or bacteria was. That meant a theyd have to try and test them all. Because there’s literally billions it would of taken months and they didn’t know if his body would of been able to withstand it and that he might die before they found out.

Somehow. By a miracle. They hit lucky with an antibiotic about 3 days after that phone call. Which finally after 3 weeks. Got his bloods back to normal.

He spent about 6 weeks in hospital. I was in hosptal. My child was in hospital (she was early. Due to the eclampsia). His mum and dad was poorly. My mum.

It was the most stressful time of my life.

Strangevipers · 09/10/2021 22:19

@Zoflorananana

It's unlikely he sees the time with his kids as childcare

BUT

If you make it all difficult for him , nothing he does is good enough, bite his head off, whinge at him, give him a hard time, put him down and have tantrums like this whole post accusing him of being worthless perhaps it's just too much stress for him. He has to protect his mental health too

CheeseTwists · 09/10/2021 22:20

[quote Nocutenamesleft]@CheeseTwists. We never found out. He didn’t feel well. My child had a virus. He got it. Or so we thought. He came out in this weird huge blistered rash. That was a few days after the temp started. Originally the GP thought it was some type of pneumonia?!?

He got taken into hospital and he deteriorated rapidly. I’d had my child but suffered with eclampsia and I was also really unwell. I suffered a bleed on the brain. When I was able to. His dad rung me and said you need to ring the hospital. I rang them and they told me they had no idea what it was. His bloods were all over the place. They’d tried him on some 14 types of antibiotics. They thought he might of picked up some stupidly rare virus. But without knowing what the virus or bacteria was. That meant a theyd have to try and test them all. Because there’s literally billions it would of taken months and they didn’t know if his body would of been able to withstand it and that he might die before they found out.

Somehow. By a miracle. They hit lucky with an antibiotic about 3 days after that phone call. Which finally after 3 weeks. Got his bloods back to normal.

He spent about 6 weeks in hospital. I was in hosptal. My child was in hospital (she was early. Due to the eclampsia). His mum and dad was poorly. My mum.

It was the most stressful time of my life.[/quote]
My word, that's incredibly scary. I'm so sorry. What a terrifying sequence of events you both went through. I've never heard anything like it, and all at once too.

I'm pleased you're all ok! Flowers

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 22:28

[quote Strangevipers]@Zoflorananana

It's unlikely he sees the time with his kids as childcare

BUT

If you make it all difficult for him , nothing he does is good enough, bite his head off, whinge at him, give him a hard time, put him down and have tantrums like this whole post accusing him of being worthless perhaps it's just too much stress for him. He has to protect his mental health too [/quote]
That's the thing, I don't make it difficult for him whatsoever. Quite the opposite.

He doesn't get to hear me venting like this. MN is supposed to be a safe place that I can do that anonymously. As a PP said some pages back, it's better I do it here than to him / in earshot of the kids.

So all that aside, if it's unlikely he sees his time with his kids as childcare, why doesn't he want to have them more often? Wouldn't you if you lived apart from them and only had them for a few hours a week?

Because it screams "can't be arsed" and "bare minimum" to me.

If I were to send him a message tomorrow asking him to have them so I can do XYZ he wouldn't know what to do with himself, or them.

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 09/10/2021 22:31

It's what he claims works around his job, however he has 3 nights off per week so could easily see them more if he wanted to
Perhaps he wants to spend his other 2 nights a week off with his second family? That wouldn't be unreasonable, would it? You're right thought, he 'chooses' not to see your children on those 2 nights so it's best to accept it. My grandson's father 'chooses to see him one night a month, now that is a bummer.

Moonbabysmum · 09/10/2021 22:48

If I were to send him a message tomorrow asking him to have them so I can do XYZ he wouldn't know what to do with himself, or them.

Maybe you could do xyz on one of your 5 days off a week...

WrapAroundYourDreams · 10/10/2021 07:40

Wow, you don't work atm @Zoflorananana? YAB even more U then, unless you're not working due to ill health or whatever.

I saw your comment earlier in the thread about ivory towers of a nuclear family or whatever it was. Loads of us have really difficult, non nuclear family situations, with a crappy ex. Mine was abusive mostly emotional/coercive control. Continues to be so in any way that he can. Think taking credit cards out in my name, other ways of online harassment, over 20 separate things were reported to police. Chooses to live 3 hours away and sees them EOW- doesn't bother much in the holidays. Pays the bare minimum and never pays for any extras, clothes, after school activities etc. Is able to work freely as and when he wants without any associated guilt. Unlike you I also work full time, and balancing working with the DC is incredibly tough at times.

I still think yabvu in this situation and in a way I don't even agree with the posters saying he should have fed them because I don't believe they should have even been going to see him whilst they were potentially harbouring a sickness bug, when you know he has a heavily pregnant partner who is due imminently. C-section or no c-section (and I've had two c-sections and know how awful it would have been to come down with a bug either just before or shortly after), I imagine it would be pretty horrendous to go into labour whilst dealing with a sick bug.

I still stand by the fact that whilst of course you have very legitimate reasons to be upset and angry with him, which I totally understand and said early in this thread YABVU to not be able to separate these out in this situation. He wasn't taking the piss here. And his partner has every right to try to avoid catching a nasty bug at this stage of her pregnancy. It's not an everyday occurrence is it, that he and his partner are likely to repeat over and over causing you inconvenience. You could have chosen to be considerate in an exceptional circumstance, but carry on pointing out when they are genuinely taking the piss at other times. It also perhaps put a different slant on it that you are criticising him for working nights etc whilst not working yourself.

Ricekake · 10/10/2021 07:55

It's evident from your updates that this isn't solely about that contact. You seem to be creating a lot of issues that haven't arisen yet but might, and are highly critical ie about him working nights- but it pays more for a start. For your sake and your children's you need to get over it. What they both did to you was shit and its normal to feel annoyed, upset, angry; but feeling resentful isn't going to change the reality, you need to move on. Of course your children will be treated differently to those that live with him 24/7 because they can't be in 2 places at once.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 08:06

If you don't work and its no because you're unable to or are looking after a relative etc then yes, you should be doing the appointments if he's working.

BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 08:07

Basically it's a bit off to judge his "busy schedule" if yours isn't. If it is then yeah he needs to pull his weight.

LittleMysSister · 10/10/2021 08:51

@Zoflorananana

Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? Confused

Why are you so insistent he will do this though??

They already have a child and haven't banned your kids from coming for that one. Why would they suddenly change because of this one?

KurtWilde · 10/10/2021 09:10

They already have a child and haven't banned your kids from coming for that one. Why would they suddenly change because of this one?

This is what I'm struggling to understand too. It clearly wasn't a problem when his wife was pregnant with their first child, or in the weeks following. And hasn't been a problem throughout her pregnancy unless there's something you're not saying. So the ONE time your ex sensibly puts his wife's health in front of ONE visitation, you're acting like he's never gonna see your kids again!

Fwiw being step mum to your kids doesn't mean she isn't also allowed to protect herself from catching a nasty sickness virus right before she gives birth. As much as you'd like to demonise her she's just a regular human being with valid concerns and the right to a healthy birth.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/10/2021 09:13

Zoflorananana
Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? confused“

I guess ask yourself how you would feel. I wouldn’t want to take sickness into a home with an under 6 month old if I could help it. Would you?

I would routinely ask close loved ones to stay away if they were unwell when ours were little.

In reverse, would you want to put your own children at risk of being unwell if it was easily avoided?

Asking them to miss a home visit isn’t “banishing”, is it?

aSofaNearYou · 10/10/2021 09:17

@Zoflorananana

Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? Confused

He would be more reasonable to reschedule them coming because one of them is ill than you would be to describe that as "banishing them from the house". The overdramatics are extremely reductive.
2Two · 10/10/2021 09:19

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house

You do exaggerate. They haven't been banned from the house. They've been prevented from coming for one visit for a perfectly valid reason.

2Two · 10/10/2021 09:21

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant

Once again, asking them to stay away for one visit isn't banishing them. And yes, it is OK to avoid an unnecessary risk to small baby. If you were in that position, would you welcome a relative with a sickness bug or covid into the house?

Swimmingwiththefishes · 10/10/2021 09:47

Honestly OP, just post accepting in this instance you were unreasonable and leave it there...no 'oh but' or 'what about' or 'what if'

You can't seem to accept that without adding one more question which is usually always hypothetical, designed to paint him as the villain and not something that has happened yet... and may not happen.

Other posters are right, the manner in which you write is so very dramatic and just not necessary given the circumstances

Accept that they have very much wronged you in the past: and separate that and move on.

flippertyop · 10/10/2021 10:51

Having read the updates OP you really are coming across as the epitome of the unreasonable ex wife. I'm actually starting to feel sorry for your ex DH

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 11:21

Ok I'm unreasonable. Thread closed.

OP posts:
BlanketPiggy · 10/10/2021 11:46

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house

That's life with a halfsibling, you don't always get to see them when you'd like to. I imagine half sibling is missing them too. Maybe they could facetime them if they are missing them?

Moonbabysmum · 10/10/2021 15:19

Ok I'm unreasonable. Thread closed.

What a surprise, the OP trying to 'close' the thread after the bombshell that she doesn't work at all...

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 10/10/2021 15:38

It's not a bombshell at all, somebody asked and I openly answered. It's not relevant to the post though is it and I'm not going to sit here and receive a barrage of unwarranted judgement on my employment status.

OP posts: