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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 16:17

@funinthesun19

I will admit to being resentful of the fact that my DC miss out on so much in comparison to his new children will do.

What will they miss out on?

Seeing their father for more than a few hours per week for a start Confused
OP posts:
Lulu2021 · 09/10/2021 16:35

This is nothing to do with Covid, this was about avoiding exposure to a sickness bug when you're having a C Section. Have you ever had one? You know the wound can burst upon, right? Mine did.

😳 oh my god. Horrendous

Lulu2021 · 09/10/2021 16:55

@In4mation

Your bitterness is only going to hurt you, and then possibly your kids.

Try to let it go, for your own future happiness. If you can’t change the situation, the only thing you can change, is your reaction to it.

For your own sake.

Or alternatively let the bitterness consume you, and eat you up, and prevent you moving on and having a happy future with your lovely kids.

Agree with this
saltpeter · 09/10/2021 17:01

YABU. It's obvious you don't like her or the fact that he's moved on. They're being sensible and you're the only one who's going to make your children feel hurt if you give them ideas about priorities Hmm

Ishotthesherrif · 09/10/2021 17:12

YABU, the risk of D&V to a heavily pregnant woman is significant...especially within days of a c section. You need to stop being so bitter.
This reminds me of when DH exw sent his dd over with norovirus knowingly, only told us when DH phoned to say she was vomiting profusely, who then passed it onto our 4 week old ds. A week in hospital, screaming crying and vomiting for 23 hours a day for 4 days and all because she was also very bitter. I'm still quite upset about it now 10 years on 😆 so bear that in mind next time you want to "spread the love" just because you're pissed off that he has moved on.

Buppers · 09/10/2021 17:24

OP, your ex husband didn't leave you "because of the OW". He left you because there was something rotten at the core of your relationship. Good relationships have their inevitable ups and downs, but don't have space for affairs.

She is no longer the "OW", anyway: she is your ex husband's wife, and the mother to be of your children's half-siblling.

I almost laughed at your assumption that people who have similar views to mine are living in our ivory towers with our lovely nuclear families. I left my husband (and the father of my children) a long time ago, and for very, very good reasons which are far worse than him going off with another woman and being a bit of a mediocre father. It is lunatic to think that only happily married parents can possibly think that you are being completely unreasonable, and that you are so focussed on awfulness of the "OW" and your rubbish ex that you are unable to see that anything you are doing is wrong too.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 17:29

Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? Confused

OP posts:
Buppers · 09/10/2021 17:31

@Zoflorananana

Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? Confused

Each case on its own merits, OP.

A minor cold - wouldn't worry in the slightest.

Norovirus - not bloody likely.

And the whole gamut in between.

Plus your ex's wife has an older child, so is not so likely to be PFB once this one is born.

JustLyra · 09/10/2021 17:50

@Zoflorananana

Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? Confused

If someone, child or adult, is potentially harbouring something contagious then it’s perfectly acceptable to see them outside or in a place that risks the least amount of people.

Just as I’m sure if one of their two has noro/covid/chicken pox/something else you’d prefer him to take them out rather than mixing them all together inside the house.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/10/2021 18:02

buppers that really is bollocks. I know because I had an affair when I was perfectly happily married to my lovely uni sweetheart. I got totally swept up in lust with a work colleague. Its perfectly normal for safe and secure and normal and good relationships to pale in comparison to a sudden new intense attraction.
OP, case by case basis going forward. Realistically, if they only see dad once a week that isn't really their second home and it's quite likely they will (or already have) fallen into the pattern of fitting round his / their life not the other way round. That's not as it should be but with such an uneven split of time, I think it's inevitable tha contact has an element of optionality to it. If you don't want that, push for 50/50, he alters his work pattern and fully parents (and no maintenance changes hands).

Lulu2021 · 09/10/2021 18:22

@Ishotthesherrif

YABU, the risk of D&V to a heavily pregnant woman is significant...especially within days of a c section. You need to stop being so bitter. This reminds me of when DH exw sent his dd over with norovirus knowingly, only told us when DH phoned to say she was vomiting profusely, who then passed it onto our 4 week old ds. A week in hospital, screaming crying and vomiting for 23 hours a day for 4 days and all because she was also very bitter. I'm still quite upset about it now 10 years on 😆 so bear that in mind next time you want to "spread the love" just because you're pissed off that he has moved on.

I'd have been FUMING. 4 weeks old?! Poor baby.

KurtWilde · 09/10/2021 18:26

I will admit to being resentful of the fact that my DC miss out on so much in comparison to his new children will do.

But your relationship ended. That's not the fault of his new children, that's the fault of whatever was wrong with your relationship.

funinthesun19 · 09/10/2021 18:29

Seeing their father for more than a few hours per week for a start

There’s no point in feeling resentful about the fact that he will have a resident child living with him.

Ishotthesherrif · 09/10/2021 19:11

Seeing their father for more than a few hours per week for a start
Is this their DF choice, or yours, to only spend a few hours a week with DC? I know where my bets would be.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 19:14

@Ishotthesherrif

Seeing their father for more than a few hours per week for a start Is this their DF choice, or yours, to only spend a few hours a week with DC? I know where my bets would be.
It's what he claims works around his job, however he has 3 nights off per week so could easily see them more if he wanted to.
OP posts:
Strangevipers · 09/10/2021 19:16

Is he working around your job ? Are you full time OP ?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 19:26

@Strangevipers

Is he working around your job ? Are you full time OP ?
I don't work at the moment, which is probably another reason he feels it's acceptable for me to do everything.
OP posts:
Strangevipers · 09/10/2021 19:36

Yes quite possibly!

You see him as having 3 nights off a week so he can do more

But he likely sees it
As you have Monday - Friday off (when the children are in school)

PLUS one day a week when he has the children

He's working full time
He's supporting everyone

And he doesn't have 3 nights off or any nights off ever as he has his other child soon to be two children full time

The best thing you can do is let it go, just let it all go accept the situation at the moment and try and make the most of it.

Not let the children see your resentment for their dad and his wife. Life is short and saying things in temper like you have done about him and his wife isn't helpful to you or anyone

He has every right to move on and have a family with someone else and so do you but don't resent him for it

Buppers · 09/10/2021 19:50

@Zoflorananana You don't work despite being divorced? Blimey, you're lucky. I'd count that bit of good fortune and stop worrying about your ex husband's wife. She may be very pissed off that her husband is enabling his ex wife to carry on living the life of a SAHM whilst making no financial contribution at all (not saying that's what you're doing - but just to show the lenses through which we all look at things).

@HugeAckmansWife I accept that mine isn't the only truth. I did have an affair, and it was because of a fatally rotten marriage, so I'm seeing it through that prism.

Kiduknot · 09/10/2021 20:21

@HugeAckmansWife

buppers that really is bollocks. I know because I had an affair when I was perfectly happily married to my lovely uni sweetheart. I got totally swept up in lust with a work colleague. Its perfectly normal for safe and secure and normal and good relationships to pale in comparison to a sudden new intense attraction. OP, case by case basis going forward. Realistically, if they only see dad once a week that isn't really their second home and it's quite likely they will (or already have) fallen into the pattern of fitting round his / their life not the other way round. That's not as it should be but with such an uneven split of time, I think it's inevitable tha contact has an element of optionality to it. If you don't want that, push for 50/50, he alters his work pattern and fully parents (and no maintenance changes hands).
I wouldn’t say it is “perfectly normal” to have an affair.

I’d say it is perfectly normal to be tempted, but most people resist the temptation if they have a fundamentally good relationship and respect their partners.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/10/2021 20:32

Yes sorry, I didn't mean affairs are normal, but its far more common than people like to think and I was responding to the idea that affairs only happen if the primary relationship is 'rotten at the core'. Perfectly fine relationships can be thrown off course by the pressure of working parents, juggling everything, losing yourself as a couple, or just familiarity vs the novelty. Throw in another woman or man showing a serious interest and it's really not that big a leap. Ive been on both sides of it and I get the OPs feelings, I do. I think the comment I was responding to tries to cast blame on the cheated on spouse as being part of a failing relationship and that's not fair.

FlipItDown · 09/10/2021 20:38

@Zoflorananana

Ok it's almost unanimous then, I'm being unreasonable. I will have to accept that.

One question though if I may?

In the event of my DC becoming unwell during the first, say, 3-6 months of the new babies life, is it ok for him to banish them from the house again then or is it only acceptable when his partner is pregnant? Confused

I think it's actually fairly normal for contact to swap and change and even be missed sometimes when a child is ill.

It depends on the illness, a minor cold okay but a sickness bug, flu etc.. I'd say it was fairly standard for contact to be changed or even missed for that.

No ivory tower nuclear family here. It's not unheard of for DC in our situation to either stay with us / their Mum if they become ill and it's something pretty nasty where there's no point spreading it round. Neither DH or his ex would be bothered about contact being changed or missed in those circumstances. Sometimes things happen which mean the routine has to be amended slightly.

I appreciate it's different in our case, we have DSC here 50:50 and they have stayed with us in the past when they've been ill and it's started here rather than go back to give it to their mum's household and vice versa. But I don't see why you'd force sick kids to go spend a few hours having tea with their Dad anyway. It's not that often that kids are very poorly like that, outside of the standard runny nose/cold. So what if contact is changed slightly when that happens, why send them for the sake of it if their ill?

FlipItDown · 09/10/2021 20:39

If they're ill**

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 20:58

@Strangevipers

Yes quite possibly!

You see him as having 3 nights off a week so he can do more

But he likely sees it
As you have Monday - Friday off (when the children are in school)

PLUS one day a week when he has the children

He's working full time
He's supporting everyone

And he doesn't have 3 nights off or any nights off ever as he has his other child soon to be two children full time

The best thing you can do is let it go, just let it all go accept the situation at the moment and try and make the most of it.

Not let the children see your resentment for their dad and his wife. Life is short and saying things in temper like you have done about him and his wife isn't helpful to you or anyone

He has every right to move on and have a family with someone else and so do you but don't resent him for it

Shouldn't he want to see his kids more though rather than just viewing it as childcare?

Personally if I didn't live with them I would want to see them as much as possible. It would be a pleasure not a chore.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/10/2021 21:06

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

No, it shows that he is considering the needs of everyone, something you could learn from!
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