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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 23:27

Obviously I wouldn't speak like this IRL.

Contrary to what you might think I go above and beyond to co-parent amicably and my DC are never privy to how I feel about him/her.

No I wouldn't wish harm on an unborn baby that's such a false reach. I don't know anybody who would ffs.

OP posts:
FlipItDown · 08/10/2021 23:41

No I wouldn't wish harm on an unborn baby that's such a false reach. I don't know anybody who would ffs

But you think your kids going to his house for a few hours rather than a park for the same time should be more of a priority than keeping a potential D&V bug away from a heavily pregnant woman (and therefore also her baby)?

You also agreed with a PP that it's now karma that she's ill and said her surgery (birth of a unborn baby) is "fuck all to do with your DC".

So not a reach at all.

FlipItDown · 08/10/2021 23:43

Honestly OP, what difference did it make to your kids going to a park instead of his house? Did they even care?

I think everyone or most at least have agreed the not feeding is the unreasonable part, but you seem insistent that they should have gone to his house, why? Why does it matter?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 23:51

You also agreed with a PP that it's now karma that she's ill and said her surgery (birth of a unborn baby) is "fuck all to do with your DC".

I was responding to somebody saying that my kids medical appointments are 'fuck all to do' with his partner.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 08/10/2021 23:56

Well, they are fuck all to do with her. It was you who said
"He doesn't take the kids to the dentist so why should she be protected from a nasty bug just before a C-section?"
Then proceeded to stay that the birth of their sibling was fuck all to do with your children Hmm
You are so mixed up.

FlipItDown · 09/10/2021 00:23

@Zoflorananana

You also agreed with a PP that it's now karma that she's ill and said her surgery (birth of a unborn baby) is "fuck all to do with your DC".

I was responding to somebody saying that my kids medical appointments are 'fuck all to do' with his partner.

Because what do your children's dentist appointments have to do with his partner?

The birth of her baby is obviously something to do with them Confused it's their sibling...

Lachimolala · 09/10/2021 00:41

Her surgery may not have anything to do with you but the birth of your kids new sibling definitely does have a lot to do with them. I think they’d feel rubbish if they made her poorly right beforehand.

And morally you can hate them both as much as you like but you do have an obligation to the other very innocent mums and babies likely to be infected on the ward should your kids be contagious (kids can be very contagious without symptoms) you do actually have an obligation to make adjustments to ensure the safety of others, this is why you aren’t allowed to visit hospitals when poorly etc.

Look I get it, truly I do. They both did you so wrong but from one woman to another (and no I don’t have a nuclear family nor do I live in an ivory tower) all that hate is going to just fester inside exhausting you and taking up precious headspace. He’s a shit and a half arsed father, this is unlikely to change so why waste your energy on all the outrage? Give that energy to your kids but also to yourself instead, who’s more deserving? Kids will vote with their feet eventually.

Ralph871 · 09/10/2021 01:35

I haven't read all the replies, only the ones from OP.

Of course YANBU, your ex sounds like a cunt and his DP is an even bigger one. If he couldn't take the children to his house (which he should have) then he sure as hell should have taken them out for dinner.

I wish people could remember 2 years ago when we didn't freak out from the slightest cough or sneeze and if you had symptoms of an illness you took to bed and everyone else you were in contact with was free to get on with their own bloody lives. I despair everytime I hear about people constantly swabbing children for having a cold!

I know I'm a stranger on the Internet but I just wanted to say I admire you for being able to co parent with this awful person and his awful DP, it sounds like your DC are lucky to have you even though they are stuck with him.

anon12345678901 · 09/10/2021 06:33

@Cheeseandlobster

You are coming across as nasty and bitter. There is some great advice on this thread but I don't think you will take any of it on board as the bitterness seems to have consumed you. And you don't seem to have the self awareness to see this. I hope to god you don't display this level of bitterness around your kids because believe me they will pick up on it.
I agree. She is so bitter and it's so easy to see from these posts.
MyMabel · 09/10/2021 06:36

I saw sickness bug and YABU. We’ve currently all came down with norovirus. It’s bloody awful and I wouldn’t want to risk spreading it.

BatshitBanshee · 09/10/2021 07:05

You also agreed with a PP that it's now karma that she's ill and said her surgery (birth of a unborn baby) is "fuck all to do with your DC".

I was responding to somebody saying that my kids medical appointments are 'fuck all to do' with his partner.

Yes but you still said that. You weren't baited into it. Do you always blame your actions on reacting to something else?

Obviously I wouldn't speak like this IRL.

That's almost worse somehow - "co-parenting amicably" but you have this amount of bitterness and nastiness internalised. You need to sort out your feelings with a professional before your POV affects your kids' attitude - because it will, parents are never that good at hiding their feelings.

choli · 09/10/2021 07:18

Contrary to what you might think I go above and beyond to co-parent amicably and my DC are never privy to how I feel about him/her.
I'd say so, right...

KarmaStar · 09/10/2021 07:54

Many say he should have taken them out for dinner...and potentially expose other people to a sickness bug?how irresponsible is that?
In this situation you should have cancelled with a few hours warning and had a cinema day with dc or similar.sorry,I know you are hurting,but yabu.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/10/2021 08:15

OP it's been 30 pages of people mostly agreeing that a) once a week and basically no real parenting makes him a pretty crappy nrp b) that you have every right to feel negative toward him and her in general terms C) he should have fed them d) you should have given him more notice of the situation and perhaps suggested a swap to a different night. Lots of us has said we get it, we Co parent with crappy unfaithful ex partners too. We do 99% of everything and are expected to be the default. All of that is shit. But for this one instance you did the wrong thing, as did he. That's all. I despise the word bitter.. Its gaslighting you into believing you are not allowed to feel angry about the current situation because the trigger event was 5 years ago. You are allowed to feel angry about the overall parenting situation. That's not 5 years so, thats now. But also she is not the ow now. She is the mother of your kids half siblings. You will be at events together down the line. You need to start thinking longer term about how you allow their actions to affect you. I am very 'meh' now about every dropped contact, every lack of engagement. I think and talk about them as little as possible. They are almost irrelevant to my life as I'm just left to get on with it. Going forward, try for that. It really helps.

KurtWilde · 09/10/2021 08:29

@HugeAckmansWife has it spot on. Great summary.

In4mation · 09/10/2021 08:39

Your bitterness is only going to hurt you, and then possibly your kids.

Try to let it go, for your own future happiness. If you can’t change the situation, the only thing you can change, is your reaction to it.

For your own sake.

Or alternatively let the bitterness consume you, and eat you up, and prevent you moving on and having a happy future with your lovely kids.

Cadent · 09/10/2021 08:39

@choli

Contrary to what you might think I go above and beyond to co-parent amicably and my DC are never privy to how I feel about him/her. I'd say so, right...
Why would OP listen to anything you say @choli? You’ve already been deleted for being nasty.
aSofaNearYou · 09/10/2021 08:48

@Ralph871

I haven't read all the replies, only the ones from OP.

Of course YANBU, your ex sounds like a cunt and his DP is an even bigger one. If he couldn't take the children to his house (which he should have) then he sure as hell should have taken them out for dinner.

I wish people could remember 2 years ago when we didn't freak out from the slightest cough or sneeze and if you had symptoms of an illness you took to bed and everyone else you were in contact with was free to get on with their own bloody lives. I despair everytime I hear about people constantly swabbing children for having a cold!

I know I'm a stranger on the Internet but I just wanted to say I admire you for being able to co parent with this awful person and his awful DP, it sounds like your DC are lucky to have you even though they are stuck with him.

This is nothing to do with Covid, this was about avoiding exposure to a sickness bug when you're having a C Section. Have you ever had one? You know the wound can burst upon, right? Mine did.
coffeerevelsrock · 09/10/2021 10:38

This thread has resonated with me because I had a similar one recently about not wanting my ex to take my dc away for the whole of half-term (there was history) and the amount of people who jumped on me and accused me of being bitter, making up the details I gave about his past behaviour and just being an all round awful person was unbelievable. I don't think I got cunt, but dick, twat and nightmare all came up several times. Many apparently knew for a fact that I spoke about him in rl to my dc in the same way I did on here and that I was ruining their lives and relationship with him and me.

It seems there are a lot of people here now who jump on any thread about ex wives/rps just to tell them how shit they are and to make excuses for hopeless men who do the absolute minimum of parenting and expect these nasty bitter exes to pick up their slack all the fucking time. I'm sure MN didn't used to be like that and I've had so much support over the years about my situation but recently these type of threads are a waste of time because though there are still supportive posts (and those aren't always 100% in agreement with OPs) they are swamped by all the shitty ones.

Sorry for the derail, OP. I can kind of see why he didn't take the kids to the house, especially since it didn't affect the amount of time he had with them, but there is no excuse whatsoever for not feeding them and the amount of time he spends with them is absolutely woeful. No one has any right to say you are bitter and nasty based on what you've said as you are obviously venting. The children will grow up resenting you but thinking their dad is great when they barely see him? I doubt it. If you are anything like me you probably do fine and don't think much about him, but then he shits on you again and expects you to pick up his slack and it reawakens your anger towards him all over again. I agree with the poster who said you need to accept he's shit and let it wash over you, but the problem is when you see your kids upset by it and/or it causes you real difficulties in your own life. I had to waste a £50 theatre ticket last week and share of a hotel room as ex told me the night before contact he had a gig and wouldn't be having them. His alternative solution was to leave 12 and 14 year old alone overnight...

FateHasRedesignedMost · 09/10/2021 11:39

Fathers do not get to step away because they have a new family. We as a society need to start holding them to the same standard we do mothers. It’s the same attitude when men are applauded for being able to feed/dress/entertain their children in a mother’s absence. It takes two to make a baby and it takes equal contribution of those two to raise it. Failure to do so means they are a bad parent

So people should stay in a miserable marriage no matter what, for the sake of the kids?

Or do you mean fathers should be forced to take on 50:50 childcare after a divorce, even if the mother doesn’t want that and it limits his ability to earn and pay maintenance?

Or just commit to never having kids with anyone else post divorce, never having a meaningful relationship or another chance at parenthood? Should the OW be expected not to have kids because he already procreated with someone else?

We don’t know why he left, from his point of view. Maybe life was intolerable with his ex, maybe they were incompatible? There are numerous reasons why a relationship can fail. Unfortunate when they are kids involved but it happens. He’s paying maintenance, seeing his kids regularly, presumably lives nearby.

What about men in abusive relationships, are you saying they are bad parents too if they step away? If they start a new relationship with someone else who wants children?

black2black · 09/10/2021 13:03

@FateHasRedesignedMost He left because he was having an affair with OW and is now married to this woman!! You can’t try and justify that. He left his family and made another one

CharlieR1987 · 09/10/2021 14:55

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Fathers do not get to step away because they have a new family. We as a society need to start holding them to the same standard we do mothers. It’s the same attitude when men are applauded for being able to feed/dress/entertain their children in a mother’s absence. It takes two to make a baby and it takes equal contribution of those two to raise it. Failure to do so means they are a bad parent

So people should stay in a miserable marriage no matter what, for the sake of the kids?

Or do you mean fathers should be forced to take on 50:50 childcare after a divorce, even if the mother doesn’t want that and it limits his ability to earn and pay maintenance?

Or just commit to never having kids with anyone else post divorce, never having a meaningful relationship or another chance at parenthood? Should the OW be expected not to have kids because he already procreated with someone else?

We don’t know why he left, from his point of view. Maybe life was intolerable with his ex, maybe they were incompatible? There are numerous reasons why a relationship can fail. Unfortunate when they are kids involved but it happens. He’s paying maintenance, seeing his kids regularly, presumably lives nearby.

What about men in abusive relationships, are you saying they are bad parents too if they step away? If they start a new relationship with someone else who wants children?

Love this!
CiaoForNiao · 09/10/2021 15:16

No men shouldn't be forced to stay in an unhappy relationship or banned from having more dc. But all too often men do these things at the expense of their existing children and that's what's not acceptable.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 09/10/2021 15:49

Of course nobody should be forced to stay in a relationship which isn't working / is dysfunctional / has ran it's course / insert whatever other reason.

Nor am I suggesting that the women that come along after should remain childless

But..

It begs the question why would the separated man then go on to create more children when they're unwilling or "unable" to be an equal parent to the first set?

Your responsibility to the existing children don't end or lessen just because you make a decision to leave the relationship, and if you're unable to fulfil that obligation to the extent it requires then you shouldn't be having more children at all, period.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 09/10/2021 16:05

I will admit to being resentful of the fact that my DC miss out on so much in comparison to his new children will do.

What will they miss out on?