DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

Your kids teeth have fuck all to do with her upcoming surgery and unborn baby.

@Youseethethingis

Your kids teeth have fuck all to do with her upcoming surgery and unborn baby.

Her upcoming surgery has fuck all to do with me and my kids.

FFS.

It was HIS night to look after and feed his own children. What if OP had to work that night? What if she had an appointment of her own? What if she can barely scrape together enough money for decent meals and that night a week that he's responsible for makes the difference?

It doesn't matter that his new girlfriend, the OW, didn't want to risk a bug from HIS children. He needed to sort something out. And they hadn't even been sick!

Clearly karma bit them in the arse because the bug they did pick up likely came from the Ex or their child that goes to nursery etc. Totally different bug. Don't let them hint it's anything else, OP.

And yet still you insist there is a connection.

Her upcoming surgery has fuck all to do with me and my kids.

Seriously OP, you are taking this way too far. He has not done what he did this week in order to piss you off or to upset his children. He still saw them. It's not about "her" and "her surgery", it's about HIM and his responsibilities.

Tbh it's becoming really clear that the real reason this bothered you is not because it upset your children, but because he has acted for his partner's welfare and you hate her, and him for caring about her instead of not giving a shit and taking your kids round anyway. Which is understandable from your POV, but you need to own it and recognise that this is where the anger is coming from.

His solution of the park wasn't ideal but it was better than nothing given that he didn't know of your child's illness until he was already on his way to collect. At that time, he had to choose the most workable option, and this was it. Your children still got to see their dad, and next week they will presumably be back to normal.

@itsallgoingpearshaped

FFS.

It was HIS night to look after and feed his own children. What if OP had to work that night? What if she had an appointment of her own? What if she can barely scrape together enough money for decent meals and that night a week that he's responsible for makes the difference?

It doesn't matter that his new girlfriend, the OW, didn't want to risk a bug from HIS children. He needed to sort something out. And they hadn't even been sick!

Clearly karma bit them in the arse because the bug they did pick up likely came from the Ex or their child that goes to nursery etc. Totally different bug. Don't let them hint it's anything else, OP.

If I could love react this post I would!

Exactly this.

I text this evening and asked if they'd taken covid tests as we have, yes he says.. negative.

So they don't have covid or D&V.

Muppets.

@itsallgoingpearshaped

FFS.

It was HIS night to look after and feed his own children. What if OP had to work that night? What if she had an appointment of her own? What if she can barely scrape together enough money for decent meals and that night a week that he's responsible for makes the difference?

It doesn't matter that his new girlfriend, the OW, didn't want to risk a bug from HIS children. He needed to sort something out. And they hadn't even been sick!

Clearly karma bit them in the arse because the bug they did pick up likely came from the Ex or their child that goes to nursery etc. Totally different bug. Don't let them hint it's anything else, OP.

He literally took them out for a couple of hours less than he would usually have them, on the same day he would usually have them. All he has done is not get them dinner, but they were home by 6pm anyway!?

If OP had been working, obviously he would have found another solution to the problem because he would not have been able to drop them back. But she wasn't and he knew she was home with their other child, and probably didn't think that taking them home for dinner on this one unexpected occasion. Presumably OP would have told him if she literally could not afford to feed them due to not expecting them home.

Maybe if he had more notice of one of the children being ill, they could have agreed to rearrange the evening he spends with them this week, so he could have had them all once 3rd child was better, and taken them home to his as usual. No extra meals or care for OP if they had done this. But that option wasn't there because he wasn't told of the sickness until he was already on his way.

Literally the only thing he's done that's not great here is not get them dinner, but even that is so minor on this one occasion when they were back at OP's by 6pm anyway. Not like he left them starving all evening before dropping them back, and I'm guessing he wanted to stay outside to reduce risk of catching the bug, which is why he returned them early.

Sorry but I’m with dad on this. As long as they spend time with him and still have fun then that’s ok. She’s got a planned c section, she dosnt want to get sick right now do fair enough

You are coming across as nasty and bitter. There is some great advice on this thread but I don't think you will take any of it on board as the bitterness seems to have consumed you. And you don't seem to have the self awareness to see this. I hope to god you don't display this level of bitterness around your kids because believe me they will pick up on it.

Her upcoming surgery has fuck all to do with me and my kids.
You are talking about the birth of their sibling.

@itsallgoingpearshaped

FFS.

It was HIS night to look after and feed his own children. What if OP had to work that night? What if she had an appointment of her own? What if she can barely scrape together enough money for decent meals and that night a week that he's responsible for makes the difference?

It doesn't matter that his new girlfriend, the OW, didn't want to risk a bug from HIS children. He needed to sort something out. And they hadn't even been sick!

Clearly karma bit them in the arse because the bug they did pick up likely came from the Ex or their child that goes to nursery etc. Totally different bug. Don't let them hint it's anything else, OP.

It was his night to have them for a few hours. HE STILL DID THAT. OP was pissed it wasn't at his house, it's got fuck all to do with her where he takes them for those few hours on a Wednesday.

He should have fed them I agree but other than that he did nothing wrong.

The birth of their sibling literally does have something to do with your DC...

And calling it karma that a pregnant woman about to have a section is now ill with something which could potentially affect her unborn baby doesn't make you a nice person

OP you're not doing yourself any favours. You sound really quite mean spirited.

@FlipItDown

And calling it karma that a pregnant woman about to have a section is now ill with something which could potentially affect her unborn baby doesn't make you a nice person

I don't expect OP to have any sympathy or even care for her ex's new partner, if she blames her for the end of her marriage.

BUT I do think it's not on to keep lying to herself and insisting on here that her anger is all about the children and their feelings, rather than her own upset and bitterness over the situation. It's understandable that in her situation she would be annoyed that her ex is, in her eyes, 'choosing' his partner's welfare over his children's right to go over to his house. Even though they are completely not equal concerns. She's annoyed that she doesn't feel she can 'opt out' like this in the case of illness, because they are her children - he should feel that way too. I get it. But let's be honest, it's not really about the kids.

Nothing even slightly bad has happened to OP's children on the evening in question. They saw their dad and then came home, end of.

I said earlier In this thread that my support is with the RP. I get your hatred of the OW, I feel the same in my situation. However, you are now sounding pretty vile. I still maintain that it was right not to expose a person who is about to give birth by c-sec to a sick bug. It's not just her is it, it's the medics and other people on the ward. You are really not doing yourself any favours here. The truth is you don't care if she gets ill, that it might all go horribly wrong and her and the baby are at risk. That is not ok.

Also this is not about the children. This is about the hatred of the ow and ex.

@Zoflorananana

Regarding contact schedule, yes he has them for tea once a week. Weekend sleepovers are a rarity because he works nights over the weekend. Sleepovers during the week, on his nights off, are rare because the kids have school and apparently that means they should be at home close to the school.

He has them more frequently during the holidays which then include overnights but as we all know holidays are few and far between.

They are at home with me almost 100% of the time.

He hasn't done one school run, dropping them to school, since he left 5 years ago.

You have held on to this level of bitterness for 5 years? You are doing yourself a lot of damage, not to mention what you are doing to your children.

Also this is not about the children. This is about the hatred of the ow and ex.

^That’s how I see it as well. The bitterness towards ex and his partner is very easy to see in the OP’s posts.

@LizzieW1969

*Also this is not about the children. This is about the hatred of the ow and ex.*

^That’s how I see it as well. The bitterness towards ex and his partner is very easy to see in the OP’s posts.

Agreed. It's evident in the way OP speaks about them.

I think he should have provided food for the children if he was still taking them out, but it's hard to pass judgement on that aspect without knowing his financial situation.

But in terms of infection control, it's best to avoid nonessential exposure to any potentially infectious disease, be it noro, COVID, anything else... Yes, it would have been a shame for the children for their visit to be rescheduled, but it would be what is recommended best practice for infection control. In the current pandemic, I would recommend applying that even to milder cough/cold symptoms, and it should always apply to D+V.

That's not based on the relationships of the people involved in this particular situation, but on how these illnesses spread. It's one of those situations in which it can help to take the emotions and history out of a situation and think about it from a public health perspective.

If we add in that somebody in this particular situation is heavily pregnant, that means there are two individuals involved who would be at increased risk of complications or being more seriously unwell from a number of the potential causes of these symptoms - the one who is pregnant (who I can understand is not your favourite person but is still a person who needs to be considered, especially as she's likely to be part of your family's dynamics in some way for the longer-term) and the baby (who hasn't done anything wrong and is the half-sibling of your own children). From a medical perspective, infection control around them does need to be quite rigorous.

I don't think either of you handled this particular situation flawlessly, but it's done now so you need to try to put it behind you both and learn from it. If anything, it's highlighted that you might need to review of how you all share information about health issues which could impact upon visiting arrangements (which will work both ways as your children shouldn't have to go to visit a home in which someone is sick with a possibly contagious illness) and a clarification of what is expected from him when he has the children with him (such as: feed them when that's what's been arranged).

I do appreciate the well thought out and measured replies, as I'm sure you can tell I don't find it particularly easy to be objective.

I do want to stress that I'm not bitter in the sense some may think. I will admit to being resentful of the fact that my DC miss out on so much in comparison to his new children will do.

I don't expect OP to have any sympathy or even care for her ex's new partner, if she blames her for the end of her marriage

Not her, but I don't think anyone who doesn't care that a newborn baby may be very poorly just so their kids can spend a few hours in a house instead of a park is a pretty shitty person regardless as to who the babies mother is. It's not decent and it's not reasonable.

And not even just any baby, but her children's sibling.

She doesn't have to like the woman, I get why she doesn't, but being almost gleeful that a woman who's about to give birth to an innocent child who could also now potentially be very poorly and calling it karma etc.. is horrid.

I do want to stress that I'm not bitter in the sense some may think. I will admit to being resentful of the fact that my DC miss out on so much in comparison to his new children will do.

You do sound quite nasty & bitter - and not just about his "new" children. How you wrote about your ex & his DP and her C-section is appalling. I think whatever your ex would have done, it would have been wrong in your eyes & you would have seized any opportunity to bludgeon him over the head for it.