DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OK - he was a wanker, he left you for OW, they are now having babies. You are pissed off and resentful. Anyone would be. But with this example you are being unreasonable and you are winding yourself up over what was a perfectly reasonable solution (dinner aside). Will your kids get shoved to one side? Possibly and if you do an AIBU then everyone will agree with you, but if you are going to get wound up by every little incident the only ones that suffer will be you and your kids

@flippertyop

Has he actually said he thinks they got it from you?

Not in as many words no but it was strongly implied.

OP, I've read this full thread and I really think you need to stop and think about how much of this anger seeps out to your children.

Your ex still took the kids out. Didn't feed them, almost certainly because you gave him next to no notice of the situation. Almost every poster agrees you're being unreasonable to have even expected him to take the two who weren't vomiting

You say this has only happened once before but then start imagining various 'what if' scenarios and get angry about things that haven't happened yet

Then get cross that his other DC is unwell (and symptoms could very early rotavirus) and moan that he's painted you as the villain before admitting he hasn't at all suggested it's come from your joint DC

You are working very very hard to be angry and find fault with him-it must be exhausting. I would very much suggest some further therapy to work through this

You say you don't understand posters who seem to be bending over backwards to make life easy for their ex's. But that's not what they're saying-you are making life hard for yourself by finding blame and anger in a situation which warrants none.

From reading this thread, your kids have a good relationship with his dad, he pays his way and sees them regularly. His only fault is going onto have more kids and I don't think that's a reason to be angry with him.

I get both sides so I suppose I’m on the fence

@swimmingwiththefishes

I thought I was done with this thread but I cannot understand how you (and many others) think it's decent enough that OP's children have a dad that sees them once a week (and only if they are well). That is just not parenting. And they'll know his other children have him 7 days a week. I think her children have quite obviously got the shit deal here and what mother wouldn't be angry?

Time to let it go, I think.

[quote Holskey]@swimmingwiththefishes

I thought I was done with this thread but I cannot understand how you (and many others) think it's decent enough that OP's children have a dad that sees them once a week (and only if they are well). That is just not parenting. And they'll know his other children have him 7 days a week. I think her children have quite obviously got the shit deal here and what mother wouldn't be angry?[/quote]
I wouldn't say it's the shit end of the deal as I'm sure they love spending time with there mum too.
You would hope they look forward to spending time at both houses and with both families, feeling valued at both.

[quote Holskey]@swimmingwiththefishes

I thought I was done with this thread but I cannot understand how you (and many others) think it's decent enough that OP's children have a dad that sees them once a week (and only if they are well). That is just not parenting. And they'll know his other children have him 7 days a week. I think her children have quite obviously got the shit deal here and what mother wouldn't be angry?[/quote]
EXH works nights

Apparently he's selfish cause he chooses to

But possibly needs to to support all the children

If he stops working nights he will likely be paid less and then will possibly be able to see the kids more but his maintenance will go down and no doubt OP will be back on here moaning he doesn't pay enough.

It was a one off ( only ever cancelled once before) OP is upset and that's up to her but she asked the question and everyone has given their opinion

I feel for your OP. If your ex wasn’t having babies 4 and 5 with OW he would have the time and money to spend on his first family. Must be tough getting very little in the way of a break from your kids as well. I think you need to get past the recent incident and hold your head high. Your kids will see the contrast between everything you do for them and minimal contact they get from their dad. I hope you are able to move in and find happiness.

@Zoflorananana

I will get tests as a matter of principle but I would put money on it not being covid.

Covid generelly has a longer incubation period for one thing, I had it myself last year and know where I contracted it.

He saw the healthy two on Wednesday, and is saying that his DC came down with a cough yesterday. His DC was last at nursery on Tuesday. It doesn't take a genius to work out that she's probably picked up a bug from nursery.

None of mine have had a cough, temperature, or anything else that indicates covid. It's textbook D&V.

I appreciate the delta variant can manifest itself as gastro symptoms but it's also much more infectious than noro and is airborne. I've been cleaning like a mad woman to ensure the other two don't get it. If it was covid I'm pretty sure they'd have it, and I would.

This is just typical of him to want to paint me as an arsehole. If he didn't take nessecary precautions when he was outdoors with them then that's on him, but it's a completely different bug so is a moot point.

From your updates he sounds like a proper tit.

I’m sorry he leaves all the parenting to you, that’s not fair. I imagine the kids also think he’s the best thing since sliced bread because he’s such a novelty.

We had the noro virus at the start of September and it was awful with two of us so hats off to you for managing all three alone.

You know ex better than we do so I appreciate your frustration. I don’t think you sound like you wanted the step mum to contract the illness at all. I think you just sound utterly frustrated for having to handle all care for three young children whilst he dibs in and out as is convenient.

All I can say is that as they grow older they will understand what you do and what he does and their relationship will reflect that. Three young adults in their twenties won’t have much time for a man whose contribution to their childhood was tea once a week and a kick about in the park.

I hope your child feels better soon and that next week is a little easier for you.

From reading this thread, your kids have a good relationship with his dad, he pays his way and sees them regularly. His only fault is going onto have more kids and I don't think that's a reason to be angry with him.

Tea once a week on the condition that they are in peak fitness does not constitute a good relationship with their father. That is fucking disgraceful if that is all he contributes to their emotional well-being.

Paying basic maintenance as is legally required of him also does not make him a good father. He gets away with as little as he can and he should be ashamed of himself.

That is nothing to do with his ex partner or the fact she is due to have a baby. He should have them to sleep over weekly and if his job is not conducive to that he needs to get another one. Equally how the OP could not have a work schedule that meant she could not care for the children overnight.

Fathers do not get to step away because they have a new family. We as a society need to start holding them to the same standard we do mothers. It’s the same attitude when men are applauded for being able to feed/dress/entertain their children in a mother’s absence. It takes two to make a baby and it takes equal contribution of those two to raise it. Failure to do so means they are a bad parent - end of discussion.

These children deserve better.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

From reading this thread, your kids have a good relationship with his dad, he pays his way and sees them regularly. His only fault is going onto have more kids and I don't think that's a reason to be angry with him.

Tea once a week on the condition that they are in peak fitness does not constitute a good relationship with their father. That is fucking disgraceful if that is all he contributes to their emotional well-being.

Paying basic maintenance as is legally required of him also does not make him a good father. He gets away with as little as he can and he should be ashamed of himself.

That is nothing to do with his ex partner or the fact she is due to have a baby. He should have them to sleep over weekly and if his job is not conducive to that he needs to get another one. Equally how the OP could not have a work schedule that meant she could not care for the children overnight.

Fathers do not get to step away because they have a new family. We as a society need to start holding them to the same standard we do mothers. It’s the same attitude when men are applauded for being able to feed/dress/entertain their children in a mother’s absence. It takes two to make a baby and it takes equal contribution of those two to raise it. Failure to do so means they are a bad parent - end of discussion.

These children deserve better.

How dramatic

This was a one time thing and the main reason is for the sake of the unborn baby and the mother. Jesus.

If this pattern continues, then OP will have more support but from this incident, she is being ridiculous.

No, not dramatic at all. As I said this situation is not about the step mother or the fact she is about to have a baby.

This comes down to OP’s ex having his three children for tea ONE night a week. What the fuck is that? That is not parenting? How can you say it is? How can you think that is acceptable?

He parents one set of children full time and the other what 4/5 hours a week tops? I’ve agreed all along that he wasn’t unreasonable not to want the children near his partner. I find his level of contact with his children, however, utterly abhorrent.

@CharlieR1987

@Zoflorananana

Perhaps not cutting contact entirely no but I have no faith in him to keep them as a priority.

Ok so priorities have to be juggled now and again I accept that, but it's my DC who are likely to be bottom of the list of the pool of priorities isn't it?

Children have a sickness bug = can't go to the house.

Children have a cold = oh no it might be covid, they can't go to the house.

New baby isn't settling well / mum is exhausted = children can't go to the house.

Ex has to work over time = it's these children he doesn't see.

"Something has come up" = seeing these children will be the responsibility he feels entitled to reschedule.

None of the above, or any other hypothetical situation, would result in his resident children missing out. He lives with them so has to parent them.

Sickness bugs and all.

But because he decided to slope off and leave me with the responsibility of caring for ours alone full time, not only do I have to do that (because he certainly isn't) I then have to pick up the slack further to accommodate not only him but also the new partner who I owe absolutely nothing to.

You are looking at it entirely from your own perspective, which is understandable, but everything you have listed above comes with another side where it's not your children at the bottom of the list.

I am sure there are many times this woman could have done without your kids coming over (and maybe even asked for that) but it doesn't seem to have happened except a few understandable occasions concerning illness. I'm sure there are times she has been ill or her kid but yours have still come because your ex has prioritised them. As much as he has mistreated you, he has still carried on seeing his children regularly.

If he's working overtime, he's not seeing any of his children and both you and his partner are left holding the babies. If their children had a cold that might be COVID, wouldn't you want your children to stay away from their house in just the same way? Obviously you can only see your own side of the coin but I'm sure there are many times that his new partner is equally as pissed off as you are now because your kids are being prioritised.

They already have a child together, a second one won't change things much from where they are now. Presumably your kids have been ill since their other child was born and yet he's still had them over.

@Zoflorananana

He doesn’t do that every time though, does he? Your post reads very much as a one off.

A one off due to a sickness bug but he has rescheduled before citing paranoia that the children could have covid when they have a cold.

If that's how they expect to handle contact when she's pregnant then what do you think it'll be like when the baby is actually here and they're ill. Every sniffle and cough will be "oh no it could be covid" or whatever else that could harm the baby because the baby 1) hasn't had it's jabs yet or 2) has no immune system.

But they already have a child and you've not said this has been the case for far with that one?

I'd get it if this were their first baby but it's not.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

No, not dramatic at all. As I said this situation is not about the step mother or the fact she is about to have a baby.

This comes down to OP’s ex having his three children for tea ONE night a week. What the fuck is that? That is not parenting? How can you say it is? How can you think that is acceptable?

He parents one set of children full time and the other what 4/5 hours a week tops? I’ve agreed all along that he wasn’t unreasonable not to want the children near his partner. I find his level of contact with his children, however, utterly abhorrent.

I understand your point regarding how much he sees them but it's the agreement between the parents. We don't know the details on why they have come to this contact agreement.

[quote Holskey]@swimmingwiththefishes

I thought I was done with this thread but I cannot understand how you (and many others) think it's decent enough that OP's children have a dad that sees them once a week (and only if they are well). That is just not parenting. And they'll know his other children have him 7 days a week. I think her children have quite obviously got the shit deal here and what mother wouldn't be angry?[/quote]
I agree he doesn't sound the best Dad seeing them once a week. And if that had been OPs point when she posted I'd have been agreeing with her. But it wasn't. That wasn't the point of her AIBU. She was pissed because he didn't take them home but instead to the park, that is not unreasonable and as I've pointed out in my previous posts, where he takes them in those measley few hours he sees them for is actually nothing to do with OP.

The feeding issue is separate, on the face of it he's unreasonable for not doing so but then she didn't really give him much notice of the illness.

Does he only see them once a week? I don't think the OP actually said that.

And OP also kept insisting at the start of the thread that it "came from her", it's obvious her issue is with the fact the "new" (not new) partner said she'd rather the kids stayed away. Her original AIBU wasn't anything to do with how little the Dad sees the kids, she was pissed the OW didn't want possibly sick and infectious kids in the house for a few hours when they could easily spend the same time at a park just before an imminent C section.

It's not even as though the kids were meant to stay overnight and instead he just took them for an hour and then brought them home, they were only ever going to spend a few/couple of hours with him, he still did that, just not at his house. In this instance it's a complete non issue and nothing to do with not prioritising them.

The way he parents as a whole doesn't sound unreasonable but it's not what OP posted about.

@choli

Does he only see them once a week? I don't think the OP actually said that.

He has them for tea on a Wednesday, no responsible parenting or overnights. OP hasn’t expanded on holidays etc. He also won’t take them if they’re ill, hence why I think she didn’t tell him until collection about the sick one.

I'm genuinely confused why anyone thinks it's remotely OPs business that he spent the time with them somewhere other than his house to be honest, feeding dinner aside.

Just think for a moment what it would be like if she got a stomach bug when having a section.

Having surgery, and being (initially) bedbound whilst having diarrhea, and looking after a baby.

Vomitting whilst having a new stomach wound, and hoping the stitches manage any violent retching.

Simultaneously having a non sleeping cluster feeding baby, and trying to establish breastfeeding whilst sat on the toilet with someone holding a bucket. Oh, and the painkillers probably wouldn't work with frequent vomitting either.

Your ex may also miss the birth, especially if he has it, or his other children have it.

She may be the other woman, but she doesn't deserve that, and IMO they are taking sensible precautions.

Regarding contact schedule, yes he has them for tea once a week. Weekend sleepovers are a rarity because he works nights over the weekend. Sleepovers during the week, on his nights off, are rare because the kids have school and apparently that means they should be at home close to the school.

He has them more frequently during the holidays which then include overnights but as we all know holidays are few and far between.

They are at home with me almost 100% of the time.

He hasn't done one school run, dropping them to school, since he left 5 years ago.

Or doctors appointment, or dentist, or any other slog that comes with parenting, but poor OW can't afford to catch a bug can she.