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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Djifunrsn · 08/10/2021 08:59

Yanbu to feel frustrated he didn’t feed them. He should have managed a drive thru McD at least.

It is clear that he left you and your kids to shack up with her and YANBU to feel angry and bitter about that, even to hate her and him, fine. They firebombed your life. However that is not a good reason to be risk viruses going to a 9 month pregnant woman about to go into hospital. Whilst you are entitled to not give a shit what happens to her, since she had a hand in breaking up your marriage, try to think of it in the wider context of her transmitting stuff to other new mums/babies. I know you can’t opt out of parenting and he seems to conveniently be able to - but not for long - he has almost got 5 kids now.
M

FlipItDown · 08/10/2021 11:49

I think most people agree the not feeding them is unreasonable, although you should have given him more notice than you did.

I really don't understand the posters who think he was "banning" them or "opting out of parenting" though.

He still saw them, the fact it wasn't at his home but was instead in the park is actually none of OPs business, he can see them where he likes on his time.

Why on earth would children going to their house for a few hours Vs playing in a park for a few hours be more important than the health of an unborn baby. I don't get that at all.

There is no ivory tower here either, I am not part of a nuclear family either. Where the kids go when on exes time is literally nothing to do with us though.

Also irrelevant what he'd do if he had them full time, the fact is there was another option, the park. If they the joint DCs of SM and ex it might be more difficult to manage because there wouldn't be another viable, sensible and comfortable option for them like with OPs DC but it's irrelevant because the DCs situations are not the same.

OPs DC are not more important than the exes new baby. Equally important yes, but not more so that it means them spending a few hours in his house is worth the risk to his unborn child Confused What a none issue ffs.

If you'd come on and said your main problem was that he is generally a rubbish Dad who barely sees his children poster's would have been far more supportive. But that wasn't your issue. You were annoyed the "new" partner (she isn't even new by the sounds of it) dared to suggest your DC went to the park instead because she wanted to avoid a bug before having major surgery. She is perfectly entitled to want to protect herself and her baby, your dislike of her is irrelevant.

FlipItDown · 08/10/2021 11:52

I'd understand more if they were meant to go and stay for the week or something.

But he was only ever going to see them for a few hours in the evening, they weren't due to stay overnight or stay for days. The fact he spent those hours somewhere other than his house is literally none of your business.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 12:22

Well apparently his child and partner are ill now with coughs and fatigue symptoms so that'll be my fault then despite DC3 having D&V with no cough at all. Unreal.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 08/10/2021 12:27

@Zoflorananana

Well apparently his child and partner are ill now with coughs and fatigue symptoms so that'll be my fault then despite DC3 having D&V with no cough at all. Unreal.
Did you ever get covid tests for your dc, @Zoflorananana?

Because if not, it's entirely feasible that your dc's D&V was covid, and that your ex's partner and child have now come down with different covid symptoms. Of course, it might be completely unrelated, but unless you actually had them tested, it's impossible to know.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 12:31

No they weren't tested for covid, only one out of three got ill and it's textbook noro/D&V.

They've clearly picked something up from their childs nursery or his place of work and it's just convenient to pin it on my household because 1 of 3 happens to be under the weather at the time. I've suggested he gets his family tests if he's concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 12:32

Plus the likelihood of ex passing on anything after playing football outside for two hours is very, very low.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 08/10/2021 12:32

@Zoflorananana

No they weren't tested for covid, only one out of three got ill and it's textbook noro/D&V.

They've clearly picked something up from their childs nursery or his place of work and it's just convenient to pin it on my household because 1 of 3 happens to be under the weather at the time. I've suggested he gets his family tests if he's concerned.

OK, so you don't actually know.

Of course, they may have picked it up from elsewhere. Or they might have picked it up from your dc. You will probably never know.

MRex · 08/10/2021 12:42

@Zoflorananana

No they weren't tested for covid, only one out of three got ill and it's textbook noro/D&V.

They've clearly picked something up from their childs nursery or his place of work and it's just convenient to pin it on my household because 1 of 3 happens to be under the weather at the time. I've suggested he gets his family tests if he's concerned.

If he was in the car with them, or hugged them, then it's actually very very high. It looks like you've been really reckless, best to get tests for all 4 of you now in case, though on that timeline it's more likely norovirus or rotavirus than covid so most likely you've only seriously put at risk the wife, unborn baby and anyone at hospital if they have to go in.
MRex · 08/10/2021 12:47

I forgot to say, you might be unaware but rotavirus can cause a cough and fatigue in early stages.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 12:49

I will get tests as a matter of principle but I would put money on it not being covid.

Covid generelly has a longer incubation period for one thing, I had it myself last year and know where I contracted it.

He saw the healthy two on Wednesday, and is saying that his DC came down with a cough yesterday. His DC was last at nursery on Tuesday. It doesn't take a genius to work out that she's probably picked up a bug from nursery.

None of mine have had a cough, temperature, or anything else that indicates covid. It's textbook D&V.

I appreciate the delta variant can manifest itself as gastro symptoms but it's also much more infectious than noro and is airborne. I've been cleaning like a mad woman to ensure the other two don't get it. If it was covid I'm pretty sure they'd have it, and I would.

This is just typical of him to want to paint me as an arsehole. If he didn't take nessecary precautions when he was outdoors with them then that's on him, but it's a completely different bug so is a moot point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 12:51

@MRex

I forgot to say, you might be unaware but rotavirus can cause a cough and fatigue in early stages.
I wasn't aware of that no, thank you.
OP posts:
willowtree81 · 08/10/2021 12:58

The thought of having a sickness bug and a new baby at the same time sends a shiver through me! - or if their other child was sick it could impact everything in terms of birth/ recovery plans.

I would definitely feel the same as his partner I'm afraid. I think on this occasion you should make an exception. Though I do get it's definitely annoying for you.

MRex · 08/10/2021 12:59

Yes, I don't think the timeline fits for covid either, but it does for your DC passing on rotavirus. If it turns out that your ex has covid caught separately and passed it on then your DC will most likely get symptoms Sat/Sun.

KurtWilde · 08/10/2021 13:00

@Zoflorananana

Well apparently his child and partner are ill now with coughs and fatigue symptoms so that'll be my fault then despite DC3 having D&V with no cough at all. Unreal.
D&V can be how covid presents in some kids, one of mine only had conjunctivitis type symptoms, another only had sickness and headache - both positive for covid.

I think you're coming across as hateful and bitter. And I say that as the ex who's exh cheated twice and moved in with OW. And he's crappy with visitation too - but we're not just talking about giving them no tea one time or changing how visitation happens on occasion, we're talking cancelling entire weekends they were excited about. Do you think I'm happy with that? Of course not! But kicking up a stink isn't going to change it and it has a knock on effect with my DC.

You're not doing yourself or your DC any favours holding on to such negativity.

SuperstarDog · 08/10/2021 13:03

Well apparently his child and partner are ill now with coughs and fatigue symptoms so that'll be my fault then despite DC3 having D&V with no cough at all. Unreal.

🙄 Well if he’s caught it from his children who have no symptoms, whilst being outside playing football so presumably he wasn’t in constant close contact with them, then whatever bug it is, is clearly very contagious and they could have got it from being in fleeting contact with a stranger outdoors. Just ignore, they sound like a pair of twats.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 13:10

@SuperstarDog

Well apparently his child and partner are ill now with coughs and fatigue symptoms so that'll be my fault then despite DC3 having D&V with no cough at all. Unreal.

🙄 Well if he’s caught it from his children who have no symptoms, whilst being outside playing football so presumably he wasn’t in constant close contact with them, then whatever bug it is, is clearly very contagious and they could have got it from being in fleeting contact with a stranger outdoors. Just ignore, they sound like a pair of twats.

Lol yes quite, do you know something I actually had a feeling something like this would come up. He loves drama and any excuse to make me look like a bad person.

I would bet they don't even have a cough.

He face timed DC3 today to see how he was doing and I didn't hear any coughing despite them all being on the line.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2021 13:17

This is just typical of him to want to paint me as an areshole

It's interesting you say this given there is a LOT of this from you in your OP. You were very quick to throw out accusations about them being "banned from the house", "supposed to be their home", "clear where they are in his priorities". In reality, what they were doing was taking very sensible and normal precautions in the face of a type of illness that is typically very contagious. I wouldn't want to be exposed to that, and would take precautions (such as seeing them outside) even if I wasn't about to have a CSection. He should have taken them for dinner, but other than that, what he did was sensible.

I think you need to do some introspection. You come across as very bitter about his "second family" (he hasn't replaced them, he's continued expanding his family) and it's making you very quick to jump to highly negative conclusions about normal things. That will not serve you well as you continue to navigate the situation.

Perhaps he is quick to paint you as an arsehole, but you very clearly are with him, too.

aSofaNearYou · 08/10/2021 13:19

He loves drama and any excuse to make me look like a bad person.

There's a lot of that going around...

choli · 08/10/2021 15:01

@Zoflorananana

Well apparently his child and partner are ill now with coughs and fatigue symptoms so that'll be my fault then despite DC3 having D&V with no cough at all. Unreal.
Sounds like you got what you wanted. I bet you are still not happy though.
choli · 08/10/2021 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Sirzy · 08/10/2021 15:08

Well as your just clearing one bug I am sure you are relieved that it looks like you have avoided exposure to another bug. Win win surely!

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 15:22

Lateral flow tests negative but I knew that would be the case anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 08/10/2021 15:24

Sounds like you got what you wanted. I bet you are still not happy though.

Don't be so ridiculous. If It was my intention to make anybody ill I would have sent DC3 with the others and not said anything at all.

I kept the sick child at home AND let him know why.

OP posts:
flippertyop · 08/10/2021 15:50

Has he actually said he thinks they got it from you?