Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Upsielazy · 07/10/2021 21:26

@FrozenoutofCostco

COVID has honestly turned people into hypochondriacs about perfectly normal, non-COVID bugs! 🙄🙄🙄
Yeah D&V has always been pleasant hasn't it Confused
yikersvipers · 07/10/2021 21:32

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand why you’re so fixated with going to the house. They’re seeing their dad, does it matter where?
It's a massive deal if children don't feel like their father's home is also their home. I would have been devastated if my father only saw me in parks or at restaurants when he had a perfectly lovely home. Ridiculous.
Upsielazy · 07/10/2021 21:33

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people

People are mainly responding on the scenario you described rather than AIBU to be bitter and resentful of my exes partner.

Upsielazy · 07/10/2021 21:34

It's a massive deal if children don't feel like their father's home is also their home. I would have been devastated if my father only saw me in parks or at restaurants when he had a perfectly lovely home. Ridiculous.

It has been one time, don't be dramatic it's pathetic.

gingerbiscuits · 07/10/2021 21:35

@Rinoachicken

They are still seeing him, just not inside the house.

When one kid has a vomiting bug chances are the others will soon follow - I wouldn’t want to risk getting sick just before major surgery either.

Seems sensible to me.

I agree. Give the woman a break - she's about to have a baby & doesn't want a puke bug! No big deal for 1 visit & at least he still took them, for some time together - isn't that what matters?
CorianderAndCream · 07/10/2021 21:37

@Zoflorananana it doesn't matter if it was her who made him change plans. She's the one who is about to have surgery, is heavily pregnant and it's also her house too. She has a right to ask for them not to come round as they might be sick. You're very bitter.

Biancadelrioisback · 07/10/2021 21:40

@Upsielazy

It's a massive deal if children don't feel like their father's home is also their home. I would have been devastated if my father only saw me in parks or at restaurants when he had a perfectly lovely home. Ridiculous.

It has been one time, don't be dramatic it's pathetic.

It is only one time. Yet at the moment we don't know if this will become a 'thing'. OP (who knows everyone involved) is concerned it might be. Different situation but when I was at uni I was poorly over one of the breaks and my mam told me to come home. My brother went mad and insisted that I shouldn't be allowed in the home if I was ill. My mam wanted me to know that I was always welcome and that she, as my mam, would take care of me. Obviously no one was pregnant at the time or about to face major surgery (or anything of that ilk) so it is different. Doesn't mean people didn't have emotions and feelings about the situation.
yikersvipers · 07/10/2021 21:41

@Upsielazy

It's a massive deal if children don't feel like their father's home is also their home. I would have been devastated if my father only saw me in parks or at restaurants when he had a perfectly lovely home. Ridiculous.

It has been one time, don't be dramatic it's pathetic.

Having read the thread, this seems to be a pattern or, at the very least, the start of one.
yikersvipers · 07/10/2021 21:46

When I was young and got sick with the flu I clearly recall my dad telling my mum I should still come to his on his weekend. I had a baby half brother at the time and my step-mum and dad both looked after me like I was (shocker) his child. I thought I was hard done by as a child of divorce, but not so sure these days.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 07/10/2021 22:14

But they’re his children. I’m pregnant and I’ve got older children. I can’t boot them out of the house to protect myself can I? Parenting isn’t something most of us can opt in and out of depending on the risks you think it might pose on a particular day.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 07/10/2021 22:15

Time will tell whether this becomes a pattern but my gut tells me it will. I know him too well and he doesn't do well having several plates spinning at once. We will see.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/10/2021 22:21

@MissChanandlerBong81

But they’re his children. I’m pregnant and I’ve got older children. I can’t boot them out of the house to protect myself can I? Parenting isn’t something most of us can opt in and out of depending on the risks you think it might pose on a particular day.
That’s a totally different scenario.

Everyone can, and should, mitigate the risks to vulnerable people in their household as much as possible.

Which is what he did by still seeing them, but not risking his wife or unborn baby. Just as if his wife and their child had a bug he could, and should, mitigate the risk to his older children in the same way.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 22:23

Zoflorananana

Maintenance is irrelevant, children don't care about what goes into the bank they care about quality time spent with their parents.“

I asked because your suggestion that a day at the park was his only contribution to their upbringing: I took that as him paying no maintenance. Apologies, my mistake.

CJsGoldfish · 07/10/2021 23:03

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people

I'm the 'ex', left when pregnant with our 4th by a really shit husband and father. There were many, many tough years. I can assure you I'm not sitting in an ivory tower.

So, am I allowed to tell you that if you don't reign in this bitterness you'll damage your children? There is NO way they don't feel it.
IF this is a pattern as you believe it will be and IF your ex pushes them out like you believe he will, who do you think your children will need and rely on? They don't need YOUR feelings about him confusing their own as they process things.
Work on that anger, resentment and bitterness and in the long run your children will thank you and forever know who will always always be the one constant they can count on.

TableDesk · 07/10/2021 23:19

I think its selfish of you!

Sick bugs spread so quickly & easily, do not inflict that one someone about to give birth ffs!

LalalalalalaLand123 · 07/10/2021 23:54

You don't know they're "absolutely fine", just because you sent them to school. She's pregnant so I understand her caution. Sorry OP this sounds like massive unreasonable bitterness on your part

FrozenoutofCostco · 08/10/2021 00:32

@Zoflorananana

Does he contribute much of anything to your children's lives? Is it really worth them continuing to see him?

Monetary contributions aside he doesn't no, everything falls to me. Doctors appointments, dentists, etc is all on me.

Unfortunately stopping contact without good reason isn't on the cards as they would resent me for it.

Depending on their age, I very much doubt it. Especially if he's that useless - kids are always more perceptive than we realise.

Personally, I would try gradually and very slowly reducing contact whilst finding additional activities/distractions for the kids. Of course I can only go on your brief descriptions of him. Either way though, if he's as half-arsed as you describe, then your kids will be disinterested in him eventually anyway. As sad as it is.

GetMeOut22 · 08/10/2021 01:43

So he’s a shit dad and an even worse partner and she decided to have kids with him. Those two deserve each other and she’ll probably find out soon enough what a Disney dad he is. Unfortunately, yes, your children will just be treated as second best, it will get worse when baby is here. Probably best to come to terms with it now. Luckily your kids still have you.

choli · 08/10/2021 02:16

Depending on their age, I very much doubt it. Especially if he's that useless - kids are always more perceptive than we realise.
Despite the OP the kids want to see both their father and their half sibling, so I agree they are quite perceptive.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 08/10/2021 06:59

Everyone can, and should, mitigate the risks to vulnerable people in their household as much as possible.

Which is what he did by still seeing them, but not risking his wife or unborn baby. Just as if his wife and their child had a bug he could, and should, mitigate the risk to his older children in the same way.

I don’t think it is totally different. They’re his children. They’re part of his family. His home is their (second) home. They are part of his household. If OP had a vulnerable person in her household would it be ok to kick the children out? No, of course not. So it’s only the non-resident parent who gets to ‘mitigate the risks’.

Youseethethingis · 08/10/2021 07:12

I don’t think it is totally different. They’re his children. They’re part of his family. His home is their (second) home. They are part of his household. If OP had a vulnerable person in her household would it be ok to kick the children out? No, of course not. So it’s only the non-resident parent who gets to ‘mitigate the risks’
They have not been kicked out, or renounced as family members, it's not really their home if they go once a week for dinner (which I agree is pretty poor by the way), and the vulnerable woman whose home it actually is would be within her rights to put the chain on the door to stop some fool potentially putting her at risk completely needlessly.

Billandben444 · 08/10/2021 07:45

If his home is their (second) home, do they have their own beds, toys, clothes there? No, they don't. What makes it 'their home' and please don't say cos it's where dad lives as it's quite obvious from OP that hell would freeze over before she'd let him and the OW play any part in the dc's upbringing.

Evesgarden · 08/10/2021 08:01

OP, on this circumstance I would let it go.

I've had two sections, no way can you be dashing to the toilet or spewing up when you have just had a section.

It it become a pattern then yes - pull him over it but on this occasion I think its common sense.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2021 08:34

@CJsGoldfish

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people

I'm the 'ex', left when pregnant with our 4th by a really shit husband and father. There were many, many tough years. I can assure you I'm not sitting in an ivory tower.

So, am I allowed to tell you that if you don't reign in this bitterness you'll damage your children? There is NO way they don't feel it.
IF this is a pattern as you believe it will be and IF your ex pushes them out like you believe he will, who do you think your children will need and rely on? They don't need YOUR feelings about him confusing their own as they process things.
Work on that anger, resentment and bitterness and in the long run your children will thank you and forever know who will always always be the one constant they can count on.

This is a brilliant post.
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2021 08:39

I think had you started off with the information in your posts from yesterday, you would have had very different responses. YABU about the dcs spending time at his house. Transmission in hospital could result in not just upset for your ex’s baby and partner but fatalities within the hospital. However, yanbu about anything else. He should have fed them and he’s a lazy arsed father by the sound of it.