DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

Sounds sensible to me

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

Yes. Right now your children's feelings come lower down in his list of importance than the health of his heavily pregnant wife. As they ought to.

Honestly you've only talked about how offended YOU are, you've not mentioned that your DC's feelings were remotely hurt. You know, those little people you're supposedly defending?

YABVU.

@Zoflorananana

Ok I can see almost everybody thinks I'm unreasonable. If you read back you'll see I accepted that after a few pages and went on to explain why I feel the way I do towards them, with good reason. People continued to pile on so obviously I'm going to defend my corner.

I have legitimate concerns that my DC will be getting pushed out, surely you can understand that? Especially those of you who've been in a similar situation, dad walks out and starts a new family. Maybe I am projecting maybe I'm not.

I'm not some hard faced cow just an exhausted single parent that doesn't take well to any indication, perceived or otherwise, that my DC are coming last on the list.

I accept you think I'm BU.

To be brutally blunt - they already have a child together so if your children were going to be pushed out completely they likely already would have been.

If this was the first baby your reaction would be more understandable, albeit still unreasonable.

There are three points where many men would have have ditched their kids so far - when he left with the OW, when she got pregnant and when you told him there was a bug in your house.

The fact he hasn’t doesn’t make him Dad of the year or anything like that, but it does suggest that he has no intention of cutting contact with your kids.

@black2black and @Biancadelrioisback I also agree. I can't even imagine.

Perhaps not cutting contact entirely no but I have no faith in him to keep them as a priority.

Ok so priorities have to be juggled now and again I accept that, but it's my DC who are likely to be bottom of the list of the pool of priorities isn't it?

Children have a sickness bug = can't go to the house.

Children have a cold = oh no it might be covid, they can't go to the house.

New baby isn't settling well / mum is exhausted = children can't go to the house.

Ex has to work over time = it's these children he doesn't see.

"Something has come up" = seeing these children will be the responsibility he feels entitled to reschedule.

None of the above, or any other hypothetical situation, would result in his resident children missing out. He lives with them so has to parent them.

Sickness bugs and all.

But because he decided to slope off and leave me with the responsibility of caring for ours alone full time, not only do I have to do that (because he certainly isn't) I then have to pick up the slack further to accommodate not only him but also the new partner who I owe absolutely nothing to.

COVID has honestly turned people into hypochondriacs about perfectly normal, non-COVID bugs! 🙄🙄🙄

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

I was with him until he hadn't fed them.

I get him wanted to avoid contact with his partner but to just take them to the park instead of actually spending time with them and feeding them/having them for the evening he might as well have brought them home. The weather has been miserable and if one of them was coming down with the virus being on the park in the wind/rain/cold won't have done them much good.

Why couldn't they have gone to McDonalds or Harvester/Toby Carvery on the way home?

To be fair, the weather has been beautiful where we are, for days now. Today was scorching. My child has been to the park every day

If none of those things have happened then you are borrowing trouble and putting yourself through a lot of stress for no reason.
If he's been previously flakey and letting the kids down left right and centre then he's a shit and I'm sure nobody on this thread would defend him.
He's still right in this particular circumstance though.

Don’t understand why you’re so fixated with going to the house. They’re seeing their dad, does it matter where?

@MrsSkylerWhite

Don’t understand why you’re so fixated with going to the house. They’re seeing their dad, does it matter where?

Of course it does, they can't stay over or have a cooked meal at the park can they? Or is it absolutely fine for him to just take them to the park once a week and call that his contribution to their upbringing?

Zoflorananana

MrsSkylerWhite
Don’t understand why you’re so fixated with going to the house. They’re seeing their dad, does it matter where?
Of course it does, they can't stay over or have a cooked meal at the park can they? Or is it absolutely fine for him to just take them to the park once a week and call that his contribution to their upbringing?“

He doesn’t do that every time though, does he? Your post reads very much as a one off.
I think lots of kids would enjoy an afternoon at the park then dinner out somewhere 🤷‍♀️
Does he not pay maintenance?

@LowlandLucky

I think OP you sound very bitter. Jealousy is an awful emotion and i do feel for you but life moves on, let yourself grieve and move on.

How on earth have you got that from OP's posts?!?! Stop projecting

I actually don’t think YABU but I see I’m in the minority.

They’re his children. Part of his family. If they lived with him he wouldn’t get to keep them out of the house if they picked up a bug at school or nursery. They’d have to deal with it like every other family does.

Maintenance is irrelevant, children don't care about what goes into the bank they care about quality time spent with their parents.

@Zoflorananana I'm with you OP, I'd be furious. Especially having not fed them! He's supposed to be a parent, by not feeding them, he's failed in his responsibility for that evening and neglected his kids. To be honest from how you've described him, he doesn't exactly sound like Dad of the Year! To not be able to afford/spare some chips for his kids is pretty appalling. Does he contribute much of anything to your children's lives? Is it really worth them continuing to see him?

And I think not even feeding them is lousy parenting. That would be called neglect if the kids lived with him. But because he’s the non-resident parent it’s fine for him to say ‘not this week’

He doesn’t do that every time though, does he? Your post reads very much as a one off.

A one off due to a sickness bug but he has rescheduled before citing paranoia that the children could have covid when they have a cold.

If that's how they expect to handle contact when she's pregnant then what do you think it'll be like when the baby is actually here and they're ill. Every sniffle and cough will be "oh no it could be covid" or whatever else that could harm the baby because the baby 1) hasn't had it's jabs yet or 2) has no immune system.

Does he contribute much of anything to your children's lives? Is it really worth them continuing to see him?

Monetary contributions aside he doesn't no, everything falls to me. Doctors appointments, dentists, etc is all on me.

Unfortunately stopping contact without good reason isn't on the cards as they would resent me for it.

I think YABU on the face of it (although he certainly could have fed them), but I understand where you're coming from and what this may mean for the future, and I think I'd probably feel the same tbh.

But because he decided to slope off and leave me with the responsibility of caring for ours alone full time, not only do I have to do that (because he certainly isn't) I then have to pick up the slack further to accommodate not only him but also the new partner who I owe absolutely nothing to.

I really feel for you with this situation- you’re totally right.

Regarding this isolated situation- YABU (although really, he’s likely to pick up the bug and pass it on anyway!) But everything else you’ve mentioned- YANBU at all. At all!!

YABVU - vomiting bugs can run rife in hospitals.i would be terrified of risking it in her position. My FIL spent the last week of his life with no visitors because a visitor brought the vomiting bug onto the ward so I maybe a little sensitive about this.

@Zoflorananana

Perhaps not cutting contact entirely no but I have no faith in him to keep them as a priority.

Ok so priorities have to be juggled now and again I accept that, but it's my DC who are likely to be bottom of the list of the pool of priorities isn't it?

Children have a sickness bug = can't go to the house.

Children have a cold = oh no it might be covid, they can't go to the house.

New baby isn't settling well / mum is exhausted = children can't go to the house.

Ex has to work over time = it's these children he doesn't see.

"Something has come up" = seeing these children will be the responsibility he feels entitled to reschedule.

None of the above, or any other hypothetical situation, would result in his resident children missing out. He lives with them so has to parent them.

Sickness bugs and all.

But because he decided to slope off and leave me with the responsibility of caring for ours alone full time, not only do I have to do that (because he certainly isn't) I then have to pick up the slack further to accommodate not only him but also the new partner who I owe absolutely nothing to.

None of this has happened though? You said only once before that he can cancelled? Hardly a pattern? They already have another older child & have managed to maintain contact? Stop being such a doomsdayer

@FrozenoutofCostco

COVID has honestly turned people into hypochondriacs about perfectly normal, non-COVID bugs! 🙄🙄🙄

Nope. I felt the same about sickness bugs pre covid.

I think yhe fact she is 9.months pregnant is a very relivant factor..

I think he tried to find a middle ground.

The if you were together is irrelevant because you aren't.

I think the fact he left you for her is always going to cloud your judgements.

I think you can feel upset and concerned where they will fit with baies arrival but you need to wait and see.

It's a fair point. Nobody wants to be ill when they give birth...