DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

That's not my problem though is it nor is it my DC's problem, it's very much a them problem.

And they are dealing with it in a way you unreasonably disagree with which you feel effects your children negatively you are making it your problem.

Did your kids have fun with their dad playing football? That’s why really matters doesn’t it?

*what

He still saw them?? He literally just didn't take them back to his house.

I understand your hurt and dislike of him and his partner, but honestly he hasn't done anything bad here.

You are being vvu, you should have told the ex about the illness long before you did, and why would you be so inconsiderate to a heavily pregnant woman. Is this a reverse because that's the only reason that could explain someone saying that behaviour was not unreasonable

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people.*

Utter rubbish. I judged that you were being unreasonable. From my "ivory tower" of a shitty co parenting situation with my DD's father and many years of doing a lot of it by myself. If there was a sickness bug in my house, I wouldn't send her there for her half siblings to catch it. Similarly, we wouldn't have DP's kids here if one of them had a sickness bug as we wouldn't want either my DD or our shared DC (a baby) to catch it. And absolutely definitely not if I was heavily pregnant. We are in just about the least nuclear family set up there is. I still think you're unreasonable here.

That's not my problem though is it nor is it my DC's problem, it's very much a them problem. it would be your DC's problem if they made them ill and something happened to mum or baby. There's no way that wouldn't affect the family dynamic somehow.

@Holskey absolute agree.

@Youseethethingis

Well she made it your problem by refusing to accept your potentially contagious kids into her home, didn't she? She can prioritize her baby just as you prioritise your kids. There's nothing "as usual" about these circumstances. If it was "oh I don't want the DSC over because I can't be bothered with them" then I'd sympathise more with your position. Was it really such a heart rending sacrifice for your children to have dinner under your roof rather than his in the interests of protecting their unborn sibling?

Exactly.

OP, I honestly understand that you don't like your ex and his partner for going behind your back, but you really shouldn't try and make things into him not caring about his kids. He was doing the rational thing on this occasion AND he still saw them.

@Zoflorananana

Posted too soon -

So as usual the first wife has to pick up the slack, the first children accept sacrifices and then be expected to be content with their place at the bottom of the rapidly increasing pile.

FFS!! Grow up! And stop teaching your children to be as self absorbed & lacking empathy as you!

Ok I can see almost everybody thinks I'm unreasonable. If you read back you'll see I accepted that after a few pages and went on to explain why I feel the way I do towards them, with good reason. People continued to pile on so obviously I'm going to defend my corner.

I have legitimate concerns that my DC will be getting pushed out, surely you can understand that? Especially those of you who've been in a similar situation, dad walks out and starts a new family. Maybe I am projecting maybe I'm not.

I'm not some hard faced cow just an exhausted single parent that doesn't take well to any indication, perceived or otherwise, that my DC are coming last on the list.

I accept you think I'm BU.

I think I'm going to bow out of this one now I've had more than enough of a battering. Thanks.

[quote Worldwide2]@MayorGoodwaysChicken
Nope you called yourself an unforgiving bitch and I agreed you are. No Im not defending 'my own' as I'm not in that category. I'm just someone who has some common sense to understand the ops ex did the right thing under the circumstances. I'm glad he took those precautions as many other people are. I think you are too busy defending the bitter ex brigade to see sense. Pity.[/quote]
If you would like to take the time to re-read my posts you will see that I have repeatedly stated that I also think the ex did the right thing on this occasion. It’s a ‘pity’ you didn’t take the time to read my posts and apply some emotional intelligence to the wider context of the OP’s story before slinging around foul mouthed insults.

@Zoflorananana

Posted too soon -

So as usual the first wife has to pick up the slack, the first children accept sacrifices and then be expected to be content with their place at the bottom of the rapidly increasing pile.

They're not at the bottom, but neither should they always be at the top? Priorities in any family, blended or not, are constantly changing depending on current circumstances. In this one, a heavily pregnant woman due to be induced is a priority if there is a vomiting bug. YABU but this is a waste of time as it seems you're just a bitter first wife who thinks 'dad's new family' are never entitled to be happy due to the perceived hurt they've caused to you.

@FizzyPink

Even if I wasn’t about to have a baby, I wouldn’t want anyone visiting from a household with a sickness bug if I’m honest. The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

Completely agree!!

It's common sense not to spread a bug around from different households. Especially when she is about to have baby and needs to be well... don't be selfish.

They're not at the bottom, but neither should they always be at the top? Priorities in any family, blended or not, are constantly changing depending on current circumstances. In this one, a heavily pregnant woman due to be induced is a priority if there is a vomiting bug.

Absolutely this. It's a common sense judgment call about who's needs should take priority according to circumstances, not just a blanket "my kids should always be number 1". Life just doesn't work like that.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken I am on the same page as you and was pretty shocked at the person that used that word to you.

I think everyone on this thread agrees apart from OP that the ex did the right thing not bringing them to the house but should have got them some tea. The difference is we can see why the OP feels the way she does. Everyone else just seems quite happy to label her selfish without having any empathy whatsoever.

@Zoflorananana I think what people don't understand is you keep saying your children will be pushed out but this is just one incident. You said they have another child together and I assume your children haven't been pushed out when that child came along why would you think it's going to happen now? Unless there is a whole other story of your children being let down constantly I don't get why you suddenly think it's going to happen now.

@Zoflorananana

I think I'm going to bow out of this one now I've had more than enough of a battering. Thanks.

I'm partly agreeing with you here but he did still see them he should have fed them though its fucking shit when you have to scramble for food when you haven't planned it I can pay for a McDonald's to collect on one of my food apps using PayPal I don't need my cash card just my phone which is always with me so I don't think there is any excuse for not feeding them

You might be overreacting a smidge about the rest of it though

Time will tell, you might need to start managing your children expectations as regards there other parent

@MayorGoodwaysChicken
I think most people on here have the 'emotional intelligence' to see the bigger picture why the op is upset. But it's still not the point is it? Exes partner going into a major operation to have her baby trumps ops children having dinner round there dad's regardless of how op feels.

it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests

Yes that's really insightful of you. Not caring about a woman about to go have major surgery and have a baby sums you up nicely. Also foul mouth insults, believe you were calling ops ex and partner 'scum'. So please get off your high horse.

At the very least he should have taken them out for tea IMO

@Worldwide2 I don’t consider the term scum to be on a par with the c word that I won’t even type but fine, you’re entitled to disagree with that opinion. And if considering people who have affairs and ditch their kids to be scum is me being on my high horse then fine, happy to be up here! I will freely admit that I wouldn’t give two hoots about the welfare of a woman that my husband cheated with (or him) beyond any extent to which it affected my children. I’m surprised you find that position so abhorrent. I guess our moral compasses just don’t align and that’s fine. I think I’ll back away slowly from this very strange thread now. Wishing you well @Zoflorananana

not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people

Shit people?

I mean, they may well be. But you’d quite happily expose a heavily pregnant woman and unborn baby to a sick bug, so you’re clearly not much better, if at all.

And if considering people who have affairs and ditch their kids to be scum is me being on my high horse then fine, happy to be up here!

I agree with you there. But someone who would deliberately expose a heavily pregnant woman and unborn baby to a sick bug is also scum.

@Zoflorananana

I think I'm going to bow out of this one now I've had more than enough of a battering. Thanks.

If you are still around OP, while I think in this situation YABU, I don't think your fears or concerns are. I don't know how people, such as yourself, manage to hold themselves together when their family falls apart. If my DH left me for someone else I'd be utterly broken, and I would have to really force myself to be civil (which I of course would do for DSs sake), but I'd be hurt and I'd hate him and think the worst no matter what. I don't know when the anger dies down (obvs different for every person), but I'm assuming it's not super easy to just 'get over' no matter how much your logical brain tells you to.

As an emotional person who battles with my logical brain often, I know it can't be easy. Much more preferable that you vent on here than take it out around your kids or your ex and risk making things difficult.

@Biancadelrioisback absolutely. I am the same. I am a very emotional person and it takes over me, my logical side often doesn't get a look in. I too don't know how I would cope should my DH leave me for another woman. I don't know how you get over that without a big deal of bitterness and hate left behind. That's why I'm not passing judgment on the OP. She's in such a horrible situation that is none of her doing and is linked to this vile human for the rest of her life.