DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

[Zoflorananana]

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

@Holskey

And yes, if OP had posted that she was planning to take her non-resident children out for the day rather than risk both her husband's urgent surgery and the health of an unborn baby people would be saying it was entirely sensible

Non-resident children? I actually think this phrase sums up your perspective perfectly.

I think children should always be welcome in their parents' homes. It should be fully considered their home. I don't think it should be less their home because there is somewhere else they can go. Simple but important principle.

Don't be silly, that was simply a shorthand and commonly used way of saying "children who don't normally live with her".

It's a nonsense to say that children should always be welcome in their parents' homes even in the circumstances that OP describes. It's not excluding them from their home, it's simply effectively saying that it's worth taking sensible precautions to avoid considerable potential harm to an unborn child and a woman about to have surgery - particularly when those precautions are very short term and won't harm the children one iota.

Suppose, in this situation, the stepmother had covid. Do you think it would be wrong to say the children should stay away, given that it's only for a short time and won't harm them? Or suppose the children had German Measles and the stepmother was in the early stages of pregnancy. Do you believe that OP should have been able to insist on them going to their father's house in those circumstances? What's the difference?

I agree that DH did the right thing but can understand why OP can't see this because of DH and OW.

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people.

No nuclear family here, I am the ex and I deal with a shitty exh and his ridiculously flakey parenting/visitation of our young DD week in week out: I also have step children, and adult children from a different partner. Life is messy. And I STILL say OPs ex was being sensible here.

@yikersvipers

My ex’s wife was vile to my girls. I still have a heads up when they were ill because I’m not ever going to be the kind of person who risks a pregnant woman, unborn baby or other people in the hospital.

The OP did give him a heads up. Then he returns them without them having been fed. Pretty cheeky and I'd be pissed off of I was the OP. Who does he think he is?

She didn't give him a heads up!!

@DSandnappies

Ah yes there they are, the predictable posts from women blaming other women for the behaviour of men.

Bollocks to the new wife and the unborn babies health, nevermind the vulnerable people and premature babies in the hospital either, the wife and newborn baby deserve a nasty case of D&V on the eve of a major operation because the father had the temerity to leave his first wife.

Let me guess the sordid temptress bewitched him and he simply couldn't resist?

No. The onus is on him. He was free to leave his first wife for whatever reason he saw fit. Your anger is misplaced OP.

This with bells on

Another one here. Ex left for and married ow. Moved a long way away to be with her so did leave the kids as well as me. Always prioritises her over them. I have bored my friends rigid complaining and bitching about him probably. I still think, in this specific scenario you are wrong. As a pp said, if you started a general thread about ex pissing off, doing minimal parenting and expecting you to be the default parent, you'd et lots of affirmation and I would jump in to defend you against gaslighting accusations of bitterness. But not on this scenario. Don't deflect the criticism you've had by saying we don't get it. We do. We just still think, in this one particular instance, your attitude is wrong.

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

This nonsense is just being dramatic.

The adjustment he made to visitation sounds reasonable, given the circumstances.

Have a heart and think back to when you were about to give birth to your DC; I'm pretty sure no 9 month pregnant lady wants to knowingly put themselves at risk of infection.

She didn't give him a heads up!!

Yes she did.

She told him that one child was sick BEFORE he took the other two into the house with his wife. If she'd told him the day before would he have not even taken them to the park?

[quote Worldwide2]@cadent she called herself a bitch I was only agreeing 🤷🏼‍♀️ and anyone not giving a damn about an unborn baby is more than that. More of a cun.................[/quote]
I take it you have reading comprehension issues of this is what you’ve taken from my posts. Either that or you’re a fellow OW defending your own.

@Youseethethingis

Parenting requires you deal with it, even if you risk getting sick yourself Parenting requires you balance your childrens needs and teach them to be decent human beings.

That has nothing whatsoever with the scenario. They're little kids who wanted to spend time with their dad and their half-sibling like they're supposed to, and he was supposed to foot the food bill for that evening. If they lived with him 50% of the time and came home from school with a sick bug, he'd have had to deal with it. As it stands, they didn't even have a sick bug; that sibling stayed home!

@yikersvipers

She didn't give him a heads up!!

Yes she did.

She told him that one child was sick BEFORE he took the other two into the house with his wife. If she'd told him the day before would he have not even taken them to the park?

Telling him when he was already on his way and had (presumably) already made plans for what to do and what to eat is not giving him a "heads up". Especially when she'd known about it for days.

@itsallgoingpearshaped
Quote from the OP:

I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine

Maybe with the benefit of some notice from OP he would have brought the younger child out too. Or known he had a food bill to foot rather than giving them whatever was planned at home.

The kids saw their dad regardless.

@itsallgoingpearshaped

This thread is bonkers.

Is the ExH going to send away any future DCs when his new partner goes on to get pregnant again? Ban his existing children from his home whenever they have a sniffle?

children get sick. Parenting requires you deal with it, even if you risk getting sick yourself. If his new partner wasn't willing to deal with it, she shouldn't have pursued a guy that already had children. He has obligations to them and he's not meeting them.

Oh, thank fuck, @itsallgoingpearshaped.

Honestly, in the real world, parents parent their children when they're ill. They accept that risk. Most of us do so even if we're heavily pregnant or extremely vulnerable. Happens all the time. And the OP didn't even expect him to see the child that was actually sick!

This has been a horrible pile on with very little empathy for the OP who mostly parents alone after her children's father fucked off to start a new family.

Exactly @Holskey

And if you try and point out that the OP might be finding it tricky to feel charitable towards the OW (while also agreeing that the ex did probably the right thing on balance here) you get delightfully classy posters calling you the c word

In the real world people realise that plans sometimes have to change where an imminent birth is concerned.

I just want to say thank you to those of you who can understand where I'm coming from and why I perhaps haven't been very charitable.

Alot of the posters insisting they'd bend over backwards to make life easier for ex and his partner are obviously much nicer people than me, good on you.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Exactly *@Holskey*

And if you try and point out that the OP might be finding it tricky to feel charitable towards the OW (while also agreeing that the ex did probably the right thing on balance here) you get delightfully classy posters calling you the c word

Yes, the C word, I saw. I think that was the display of this "decency" everyone keeps urging the OP to have 😂

@Youseethethingis

In the real world people realise that plans sometimes have to change where an imminent birth is concerned.

That's not my problem though is it nor is it my DC's problem, it's very much a them problem.

Posted too soon -

So as usual the first wife has to pick up the slack, the first children accept sacrifices and then be expected to be content with their place at the bottom of the rapidly increasing pile.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken
Nope you called yourself an unforgiving bitch and I agreed you are. No Im not defending 'my own' as I'm not in that category. I'm just someone who has some common sense to understand the ops ex did the right thing under the circumstances. I'm glad he took those precautions as many other people are. I think you are too busy defending the bitter ex brigade to see sense. Pity.

Well she made it your problem by refusing to accept your potentially contagious kids into her home, didn't she? She can prioritize her baby just as you prioritise your kids.
There's nothing "as usual" about these circumstances. If it was "oh I don't want the DSC over because I can't be bothered with them" then I'd sympathise more with your position.
Was it really such a heart rending sacrifice for your children to have dinner under your roof rather than his in the interests of protecting their unborn sibling?

Replace 'bitter ex' with 'protective mum' and you might be on the right track. I couldn't care less about him and his relationship it's purely about my DC for me.

@Zoflorananana

Posted too soon -

So as usual the first wife has to pick up the slack, the first children accept sacrifices and then be expected to be content with their place at the bottom of the rapidly increasing pile.

But your kids really didn't have to make any sacrifice! They still got to spend time with their dad. The plans for what they would do during the time with their dad changed due to the circumstances. He absolutely should have fed them as that was what was expected, but I can't see any issue with the rest of what transpired.

@yikersvipers

She didn't give him a heads up!!

Yes she did.

She told him that one child was sick BEFORE he took the other two into the house with his wife. If she'd told him the day before would he have not even taken them to the park?

Tbh I think in that case it would have made more sense to rearrange for a couple of days later so he could have all 3. I don't see what would be wrong with that.

Then OP would have got her usual child-free evening, rather than having one left behind who she still had to look after.

@youseethethingis oh you won't get any response because she can't argue with what people have said as she knows it's true she's being really unreasonable and incredibly selfish.