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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 07/10/2021 15:10

@Cadent

OP, can I just say that I salute your resilience in the face of this relentless pile on from the Mean Girls?

I would avoid all of these posters if I was able to recognise them in the street, but I am impressed by your chutzpah and would shake your hand.

Thanks Cadent, I must say I became somewhat immune to it after the first 10 or so pages. It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people.
OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 07/10/2021 15:13

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be. There would be no issue with an ill child spending time with their dad if the dad hadn’t fucked off to make a new family with his bit on the side. Of course it’s hard for the OP to stomach her kids having even less time with their dad because of the needs of that woman. If it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests but maybe I’m more of an unforgiving bitch than other people on here apparently are!
I've been in that situation, and I still wouldn't behave like OP. Regardless of an affair or not, why would I deliberately risk someone getting sick? That's shitty behaviour.
black2black · 07/10/2021 15:13

@Cadent

OP, can I just say that I salute your resilience in the face of this relentless pile on from the Mean Girls?

I would avoid all of these posters if I was able to recognise them in the street, but I am impressed by your chutzpah and would shake your hand.

I salute anyone who posts AIBU on mumsnet. It tends to get very nasty for some reason
DSandnappies · 07/10/2021 15:20

Ah yes there they are, the predictable posts from women blaming other women for the behaviour of men.

Bollocks to the new wife and the unborn babies health, nevermind the vulnerable people and premature babies in the hospital either, the wife and newborn baby deserve a nasty case of D&V on the eve of a major operation because the father had the temerity to leave his first wife.

Let me guess the sordid temptress bewitched him and he simply couldn't resist?

No. The onus is on him. He was free to leave his first wife for whatever reason he saw fit. Your anger is misplaced OP.

Klac30 · 07/10/2021 15:21

I don't blame the pregnant partner tbh. I don't blame her for not wanting a sickness bug before having a c-section or not wanting anyone in the household getting it. But I do get your frustration too. He still seen them which is good but should have fed them - even if meant take away as feeding them was the plan.

Highly unlikely your non sick kids would pass it on saying that. Even if they did end up having it norovirus is spread through vomit/poo particles and the most contagious time is during and after the bug, not much before so different to some other viruses. Good hygiene, hand washing, bleaching etc can minimise the risk.

Plus they unsure how long you are actually contagious after noro. I read it can still be fecal matter for a couple weeks after symptoms subside. So are they not seeing them for a couple weeks then?

LettertoHermoine · 07/10/2021 15:22

If he refused to take them completely I would understand . If decided it would be too much of a risk that he might bring the bug back but he did take them and he brought them to the park instead of bringing them to a house with a woman about to give birth...no matter how much you hate her, surely you wouldn't want her to have a vomiting bug with having a section? You only let him know when he was on his way to collect all 3 children that one had a vomiting bug and he did what he thought was the right thing so as no to infect another house and a pregnant woman with it.
He should have fed them. There is no question that he should have fed them.

Cadent · 07/10/2021 15:25

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be. There would be no issue with an ill child spending time with their dad if the dad hadn’t fucked off to make a new family with his bit on the side. Of course it’s hard for the OP to stomach her kids having even less time with their dad because of the needs of that woman. If it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests but maybe I’m more of an unforgiving bitch than other people on here apparently are!
💯 Totally agree with you Mayor and reported the people calling you a swear word and got them deleted.
Skinnymuffins · 07/10/2021 15:28

@Zoflorananana you said this...

Thanks Cadent, I must say I became somewhat immune to it after the first 10 or so pages. It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people.*

No.

I'm sorry but I don't live with a nuclear family, my kids have a step mum and I am a step mum and it doesn't matter why we broke up, this is now the situation. If he wanted to leave or have an affair that's him and his personality.

What you're showing is you and your personality and you're willing to put another human being, and an unborn child at risk. Please see how you're behaving!*

crabette · 07/10/2021 15:30

I'm 9 months pregnant and had a sickness bug last week. It was absolutely horrendous.

I think you're being very very unreasonable here OP. I get that she's the OW and you likely have other issues with her, but heavily pregnant, if there was any way I could have avoided being sick I would have, (including suggesting any sick or potentially infectious DSC didn't stay in our house for a night or two if at all avoidable!) and if I were you I wouldn't have suggested mixing households knowing there was the potential to pass on a bug in these circumstances. In the opposite scenario, if DSC's mum were heavily pregnant and DSC were sick, I would offer to keep them here to avoid infecting her.

I do understand that you are worried about your children slipping down your ex's "priority list", - but I don't think this particular hill is the one to die on here.

If your ex / the OW / their baby had Covid, or some other ghastly infection, would you want your kids to go to their house to potentially become infected and then come back to you? One of the (albeit limited!) benefits in a split family is that it makes it easier to mitigate some of the things that you maybe couldn't do if you were still with your ex. For example, if you had covid (or something else awful!) and god forbid were completely incapacitated, you'd want your kids to be able to go to ex's so you could recover without having to worry about taking care of them, etc etc. Not something you'd be able to do in a 'nuclear' setup.

Is it a common occurrence that they don't take the kids, or don't want them in the house? I do think given he still saw them and still spent time with them, in this instance, this in itself is not a huge deal. (Yes, he should have had the foresight to sort them some food though!)

But don't let your dislike of your ex and this woman cloud your judgement on the situation. If they are being unreasonable, fine, but in this case they aren't at all, and projecting your feelings about them onto this situation makes you appear bitter and won't do you or your kids any good.

Worldwide2 · 07/10/2021 15:47

@cadent she called herself a bitch I was only agreeing 🤷🏼‍♀️ and anyone not giving a damn about an unborn baby is more than that. More of a cun.................

PixieLaLa · 07/10/2021 15:57

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers

No, people are pointing out that you are being incredibly unreasonable but you don’t want to take it on board.

You were hoping the majority would agree with you and validate your vile spiteful ness and resentment towards a women and her unborn baby…but guess what thankfully not because they are decent human beings.

Holskey · 07/10/2021 16:03

I agree @cadent. So many moral and outraged posters with all the empathy in the world... for everyone except the OP. Of course she's pissed off. She had children with a man that refused to have his own children in his home. As a parent, there's nowhere I'd rather be than with my children when they are sick, and I think the OP is allowed to feel annoyed that her children don't have that in their father.

Strangevipers · 07/10/2021 16:07

I'm sure the kids much preferred being out playing football than having to have dinner at their dads house.

Remember there is a well child at home who didn't get to go play football with their dad and step siblings AND stayed in with their 9 months pregnant mother

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 16:08

OP being pissed off does not trump a heavily pregnant woman's right to be safe in her own home. This is not about OPs kids, hopefully at other times when it is necessary the father will be placing OPs kids above all else because that is what they need at that time. Nobody can be top priority all the time regardless. If he fails in this, and OP posts about it, I'll be right here with every else commiserating about what a shit he he is.
However. The man being a shit in other ways has no bearing on what the right thing to do in this circumstance is.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 16:11

Would you feel differently if it was a different operation and not a c-section? A life saving heart op perhaps? Genuinely wondering.

crabette · 07/10/2021 16:12

@Holskey The OP said herself his children aren't sick, they have no symptoms... just potentially infectious. And he took them out to spend time with them elsewhere.

If you were pregnant and your child developed, for example, chicken pox. You'd try to minimise contact between you and your child if at all possible, in order to protect your unborn child. It wouldn't be at all ideal or normal, but in an extraordinary situation while you're in a particularly vulnerable position, that makes the most sense. That doesn't make him a bad father.

I fully appreciate that in this case there may well be plenty of other things that DO make him a bad father, and I'm not condoning at all him running off with an OW, but trying to balance seeing his kids with protecting his pregnant partner surely isn't one of them.

Spidey66 · 07/10/2021 16:15

It's not even the stepmum can cancel the op if she did become ill. It's a c-section. She cant wait for it, the baby needs to arrive.

He could have taken them for a burger, but thats all hes done wrong imo

SoupDragon · 07/10/2021 16:15

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people.

Why do you assume everyone has a nuclear family? I don't. XH left for the OW whilst I was pregnant with our youngest. I'm well aware of how shit things can be. I still wouldn't have a problem with what happened in your scenario. I'm not so nasty as to think introducing the risk of a vomiting bug at this stage of a pregnancy is the right thing to do no matter what that person has done.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 07/10/2021 16:16

This thread is bonkers.

Is the ExH going to send away any future DCs when his new partner goes on to get pregnant again? Ban his existing children from his home whenever they have a sniffle?

children get sick. Parenting requires you deal with it, even if you risk getting sick yourself. If his new partner wasn't willing to deal with it, she shouldn't have pursued a guy that already had children. He has obligations to them and he's not meeting them.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 16:18

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people.

So, the people who’ve posted about being in the same situation as you who still think you are being unreasonable are living ivory towers? I think not.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2021 16:19

Is the ExH going to send away any future DCs...

He didn't send any children away.

LettertoHermoine · 07/10/2021 16:19

@Holskey

I agree *@cadent*. So many moral and outraged posters with all the empathy in the world... for everyone except the OP. Of course she's pissed off. She had children with a man that refused to have his own children in his home. As a parent, there's nowhere I'd rather be than with my children when they are sick, and I think the OP is allowed to feel annoyed that her children don't have that in their father.
He refused to have his children who have been exposed to a vomiting bug in his home because his partner is heavily pregnant. He normally brings them to his house but not this time in case they infect a heavily pregnant woman.

He did not refuse to take them. He did spend time with them...just not at his house.

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 16:23

Parenting requires you deal with it, even if you risk getting sick yourself
Parenting requires you balance your childrens needs and teach them to be decent human beings.

Ajl46 · 07/10/2021 16:25

@itsallgoingpearshaped

This thread is bonkers.

Is the ExH going to send away any future DCs when his new partner goes on to get pregnant again? Ban his existing children from his home whenever they have a sniffle?

children get sick. Parenting requires you deal with it, even if you risk getting sick yourself. If his new partner wasn't willing to deal with it, she shouldn't have pursued a guy that already had children. He has obligations to them and he's not meeting them.

What about his and her obligations to their unborn child? This isn't an every day occurrence- I find the lack of empathy for a 9m pregnant woman about to have a c-section astonishing.
SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 16:26

It's easy for people to judge me harshly from their ivory towers with their nuclear families, not so easy when you are the ex yourself having to co parent with frankly shit people

Step mum here in a non ivory singe story abode.

I think you have bigger battles than this one to fight. He's useless not wanting to see them more than he is but I think he did the right think re vomiting.

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