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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 07/10/2021 14:25

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be. There would be no issue with an ill child spending time with their dad if the dad hadn’t fucked off to make a new family with his bit on the side. Of course it’s hard for the OP to stomach her kids having even less time with their dad because of the needs of that woman. If it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests but maybe I’m more of an unforgiving bitch than other people on here apparently are!

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 14:30

It's not thoughtful or gracious to not deliberately expose a heavily pregnant woman to a sickness bug.
It is basic common sense and decency.

KurtWilde · 07/10/2021 14:32

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be.

It's not thoughtful of gracious, it's just basic common sense that you should afford ANYONE if you've got a shred of decency.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 07/10/2021 14:32

@Youseethethingis

It's not thoughtful or gracious to not deliberately expose a heavily pregnant woman to a sickness bug. It is basic common sense and decency.
That’s what I mean by saying maybe I’m not as forgiving but I’m not sure how much common decency I could bring myself to extend to this woman in OP’s position. I would care only about my children who have less time than ever with their dad. Beyond that, anything going on in that woman’s world would be of zero consequence to me.
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 07/10/2021 14:34

I guess I just don’t have a shred of decency then Grin I certainly wouldn’t towards the woman who my husband had run off with! I think posters are being unrealistic that many people wouldn’t think the same as me.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 14:36

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be. There would be no issue with an ill child spending time with their dad if the dad hadn’t fucked off to make a new family with his bit on the side. Of course it’s hard for the OP to stomach her kids having even less time with their dad because of the needs of that woman. If it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests but maybe I’m more of an unforgiving bitch than other people on here apparently are!
I don’t lower myself to other people’s standards.

My ex’s wife was vile to my girls. I still have a heads up when they were ill because I’m not ever going to be the kind of person who risks a pregnant woman, unborn baby or other people in the hospital.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 14:37

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I guess I just don’t have a shred of decency then Grin I certainly wouldn’t towards the woman who my husband had run off with! I think posters are being unrealistic that many people wouldn’t think the same as me.
There’s a difference though.

I would think “fuck them, why do I have to re-jig things to benefit them”.

Then I did the decent thing because I’m not them.

Worldwide2 · 07/10/2021 14:38

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Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 14:42

I'm sure the woman in question does not give a fuck about OPs little hissy fit over having to give her children their dinner either.
We all prioritise our own kids, we can only strive to be decent humans and teach them to realise that sometimes other people's needs come before their convenience.

Ajl46 · 07/10/2021 14:42

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I guess I just don’t have a shred of decency then Grin I certainly wouldn’t towards the woman who my husband had run off with! I think posters are being unrealistic that many people wouldn’t think the same as me.
Or an innocent unborn baby?
Anonymous48 · 07/10/2021 14:45

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be. There would be no issue with an ill child spending time with their dad if the dad hadn’t fucked off to make a new family with his bit on the side. Of course it’s hard for the OP to stomach her kids having even less time with their dad because of the needs of that woman. If it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests but maybe I’m more of an unforgiving bitch than other people on here apparently are!
At least you can be realistic about your shortcomings. Yes, I would agree with you. You're an unforgiving bitch.
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 07/10/2021 14:47

Of course I wouldn’t want a risk to the unborn baby, I’m not a monster! I would just expect her to go elsewhere and for my children to be allowed to spend time with their father. As far as her personally getting ill, honestly no I wouldn’t care. If she didn’t want to get childhood bugs she shouldn’t have shacked up with a father of young children.

And sorry but I disagree that a bloke who has an affair and moves out with OW to make more babies then sees his children once per week, has not left them and only left his wife. Anyone, male or female, who does that has left their children as far as I’m concerned. People are too quick to separate leaving a marriage from leaving the children-you can’t separate the two that neatly. In this case he has done both. He doesn’t pull his weight as a father and as the Op has explained, gives only crumbs of his time and effort to his first children. He has left them-let’s call a spade a spade.

yikersvipers · 07/10/2021 14:50

My ex’s wife was vile to my girls. I still have a heads up when they were ill because I’m not ever going to be the kind of person who risks a pregnant woman, unborn baby or other people in the hospital.

The OP did give him a heads up. Then he returns them without them having been fed. Pretty cheeky and I'd be pissed off of I was the OP. Who does he think he is?

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/10/2021 14:51

He saw his other 2 dc. He kept them out of the house so that his pregnant due to give birth and be in hospital having a Cs isn’t at risk

Sounds sensible to me

But yes he should have fed them

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 14:53

I would just expect her to go elsewhere and for my children to be allowed to spend time with their father
At nine months pregnant I would not be leaving my one and only home for anyone elses convenience but my own. She was quite right to stay put.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 07/10/2021 14:53

By the way I do agree he did the right thing to find a way to see his kids although he absolutely should have fed them. I’m just saying I can sympathise with the OP not rushing to accommodate or prioritise the needs of this woman if her children are disadvantaged (as part of a wider pattern) as a result.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 14:54

@yikersvipers

My ex’s wife was vile to my girls. I still have a heads up when they were ill because I’m not ever going to be the kind of person who risks a pregnant woman, unborn baby or other people in the hospital.

The OP did give him a heads up. Then he returns them without them having been fed. Pretty cheeky and I'd be pissed off of I was the OP. Who does he think he is?

She didn’t give him a heads up. She told him when he was already on his way to collect them. So unless she’s going to drip feed that he moved four hours away he hardly had a lot of time to re-jig things.

Most people, me included, said he should have sorted food. However, the main gripe of the OP was the decision not to take them to his house - which she’s being vv unreasonable about.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 14:56

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

Of course I wouldn’t want a risk to the unborn baby, I’m not a monster! I would just expect her to go elsewhere and for my children to be allowed to spend time with their father. As far as her personally getting ill, honestly no I wouldn’t care. If she didn’t want to get childhood bugs she shouldn’t have shacked up with a father of young children.

And sorry but I disagree that a bloke who has an affair and moves out with OW to make more babies then sees his children once per week, has not left them and only left his wife. Anyone, male or female, who does that has left their children as far as I’m concerned. People are too quick to separate leaving a marriage from leaving the children-you can’t separate the two that neatly. In this case he has done both. He doesn’t pull his weight as a father and as the Op has explained, gives only crumbs of his time and effort to his first children. He has left them-let’s call a spade a spade.

The children were allowed to spend time with their father…

The OP is griping because the didn’t get to spend time in the other house and with the half sibling. It’s got nothing to do with the children’s contact with their father, otherwise the good part would be the main complaint.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 14:57

*food part

black2black · 07/10/2021 14:58

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

I can’t help wondering how many of the posters on here would be as thoughtful and gracious towards the OW as they’re suggesting the OP should be. There would be no issue with an ill child spending time with their dad if the dad hadn’t fucked off to make a new family with his bit on the side. Of course it’s hard for the OP to stomach her kids having even less time with their dad because of the needs of that woman. If it were me, I’d struggle to care less if she got ill and wouldn’t give two hoots about anything past my children’s interests but maybe I’m more of an unforgiving bitch than other people on here apparently are!
Haha yes I am thinking the exact same now that I know he left her for this woman. This woman was happy to split up a family and take him away from his kids. They're both selfish and I'm not surprised the OP couldn't give 2 shits about her.
Cheeseandlobster · 07/10/2021 14:59

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HowMuchWine · 07/10/2021 15:00

I think you are being absolutely unreasonable and that they indeed are being very sensible.

Sceptre86 · 07/10/2021 15:04

I had a section 4 weeks ago and my kids had been ill prior to that, cough and cold. I got them pcr tests and then looked after them at 9 months pregnant because I am their parent and they are both mine and dh's responsibility. I didn't palm them off to anyone else and once I knew it wasn't covid did what parents do and took care of my poorly kids. She isn't their mother so clearly doesn't feel the same way, fair enough. Your ex however is the parent and whilst he took the kids to the park could have taken them to a shopping centre, the cinema and at the very least should have fed his children dinner. They could have gone to a bloody drive thru! He is a shit and that is your biggest problem. His partner might have stopped the kids from going to their shared home but she didn't stop him from having them all together so he could have fed them. The fact that he didn't shows exactly what kind of parent he is ( a piss poor one) and yanbu to be angry. You are being unreasonable to direct it at her though, she is putting her own interests first and always will. It is your ex that should be thinking of all his children and isn't. There isn't really a solution to this as you will always be left to deal with the fall out and upset kids, all you can do is wait till they get that bit older and decide not to bother with him.

Minesril · 07/10/2021 15:06

We had a stomach bug go through us a while ago. Baby was sick on Saturday, me on the Monday, and DS1 on the Thursday. I would have kept all of them at home just in case.

I had a section - it hurt just to cough. I can't imagine how much throwing up would've hurt.

Cadent · 07/10/2021 15:06

OP, can I just say that I salute your resilience in the face of this relentless pile on from the Mean Girls?

I would avoid all of these posters if I was able to recognise them in the street, but I am impressed by your chutzpah and would shake your hand.