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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Louisa4987 · 07/10/2021 08:53

You are being not only unreasonable but completely ridiculous and the only people you are going to damage with your behaviour and attitude towards all of this is your children (and yourself). I can't be the only person who actually sat wincing at the thought of a sickness bug with a c section wound. As someone who's had 3 children I actually find it quite concerning that you can't find any empathy or even just common sense to realise this?!

You actually sound a lot like my DH's ex in that she always tried to send DSC with bugs and covid symptoms despite us having a premature baby in the house because she's always believed she's entitled to 'me time' no matter whatHmm she's also projected her feelings about DH and I onto the children and it's the children who have massively suffered as a result of this because despite her thinking the same as you that she hides her feelings, she doesn't and the children have always known. It's clear just from your posts on here that you've got a lot of issues that need addressing before it destroys you and your kids.

Newwifeatnumber10 · 07/10/2021 08:54

@Louisa4987 I could have written your post myself.

phoenixrosehere · 07/10/2021 08:57

Just to add, I would be totally understanding if they decided to isolate the children at their house. My issue is the prohibiting them from being there completely.

Why? They are taking precautions as many parents would. They’re not staying away from their house forever. You said she is in her ninth month of pregnancy so a few weeks if that. And unless I missed something, your ex hasn’t said he wasn’t seeing your children during that time. What is your real issue? Yes, he should have fed them, however he still took them out. The more you add the more ridiculous you sound.

SkySmiler · 07/10/2021 08:59

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

Omg get over yourself!
2Two · 07/10/2021 09:03

He was happy to take them when he arrived, no talk of changing plans or going to the park. It was only once he'd clearly spoken to her that things changed. Personally I don't think he would have changed plans at all without some strong arming on her part.

Well, you did rather spring it on him, didn't you? Yes, when he thought about it and talked to his partner he realised it was a stupid risk to take, and he was right.

Kids getting ill is part and parcel of being a parent, should all dad's get to opt out when their child(ren) aren't well? I don't have that luxury unfortunately. As a PP said, what would he do if they lived with him full time?

But they don't live with him full time, so that's irrelevant. He made alternative arrangements to ensure that he saw his children without needlessly putting his partner and an unborn child in danger. Suppose it was the other way round, if it was you who was 9 months pregnant would you have willingly endangered your baby when it could easily be avoided?

Youseethethingis · 07/10/2021 09:10

Most posters have said the new family come first, completely ignoring how little time he spends with his first three DC. He didn't even feed them for pity's sak
Not one poster has said the new family come first.
The contact schedule has been pretty much ignored because it isn't the subject of the thread. I'm sure if OP wants to discuss that she can start a thread on it.
He probably had a meal ready at home for them as planned but OP didn't give him any notice to come up with another plan.

UltimateBugKilla · 07/10/2021 09:11

Oh OP, you have years of this to come, stop making it hard for you all.

2Two · 07/10/2021 09:11

I don’t get this thread, if OP had posted that she didn’t want DSC to come over because one of them was ill, you’d have had your arse handed to you!

This is nonsense. If OP had posted that she didn't want DSC coming over because she was about to have a Caesarian and their sibling had a sickness bug, but she was happy for their father to take them out for the day, no-one would have suggested she was in the least unreasonable.

BasicDad · 07/10/2021 09:19

Didn't read the thread. Did we get a drip feed about all his poor behaviour outside of this incident?

YABU. And I think you need to work on separating the good from the bad, and suppressing all the emotion either way. I say this as someone who has been in your position and found it hard to do so, but it's so much better when you do.

KurtWilde · 07/10/2021 09:28

He still saw his DC. You're being unreasonable and ridiculous, they're being sensible with a planned c-section looming. And I have a flaky exh who's visitation is hit and miss, but even I can see your ex is using common sense here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2021 09:29

A woman going into hospital should avoid vomiting bugs. If not for her and the baby but also for everyone else in the hospital.

Once a bug is in the hospital, it can spread like wildfire and kill vulnerable people ie the frail and elderly, pregnant women with permanent illness or had birth / pregnancy complications and poorly babies. Plus this could potentially be Covid, vomiting and diarrhoea can be an indication.

Does your dc seeing their dad trump all of these people?
What about the future? It isn’t here yet. Thus far, you’re massively projecting.

SeasonFinale · 07/10/2021 09:31

@BasicDad

Didn't read the thread. Did we get a drip feed about all his poor behaviour outside of this incident?

YABU. And I think you need to work on separating the good from the bad, and suppressing all the emotion either way. I say this as someone who has been in your position and found it hard to do so, but it's so much better when you do.

No just the usual bitter ex stuff
FateHasRedesignedMost · 07/10/2021 09:42

Why would you risk infecting a heavily pregnant woman with a sick bug? Just before she’s due to have a c-section too? If she catches it they’ll have to delay the c-section.

One out of 3 kids is sick with a virus, common sense suggests the other 2 are either incubating the virus or about to come down with it. You quarantine them all, like you would if one had Covid?

Imagine you were heavily pregnant and about to have major surgery, would you want someone else’s kids coming over for dinner? Especially when they’re likely to be infectious with a bug that could put you and your unborn baby at risk.

And awful for your kids if they come down with it whilst there.

I think you need to have some compassion. It’s not all about your kids seeing their dad on schedule and being disappointed because a sibling is ill. It’s about a clinically vulnerable woman about to have a baby who is naturally anxious about catching a virus. Of course his priorities lie with her at present, she’s about to deliver a tiny baby! What if she or your ex caught the virus and passed it to the newborn?

Surely your kids can make up the time with their dad when all 3 are better?

puddlebubble · 07/10/2021 09:50

@NewNameDay If he's loaded, yes he could have ordered you all a takeaway but if he has two families to pay into and not enough to go around comfortably, then actually YABU even for expecting him to feed them outside the home

I have to laugh, what a strange comment - his contact time, his kids, his responsibility. Why would OP be expected to provide every single meal in the home no less, every single day even during his contact time. Grin

TicTacHoh · 07/10/2021 09:51

I think OP would actually like it if new wife got the sickness bug.

Tiredmum100 · 07/10/2021 09:58

Yabu. I don't blame her. I wouldn't want children who could potentially give me a sickness bug a few days before I was due to have a c section and new baby. However I do think your ex should have taken them somewhere for food or gone to the fish and chip shop if he was meant to be providing their dinner.

Belsizepark · 07/10/2021 10:01

You’re being very unreasonable. She’s being sensible. Why on earth would anyone want to risk getting in just before major surgery.

Holskey · 07/10/2021 10:09

I wonder how many mothers here would forbid their own children from entering their homes.

Yanbu OP. This is double standards. I guess if you said you didn't want your children in your house because your DP was about to have surgery, the responses would be different.

puddlebubble · 07/10/2021 10:09

@scottishlass123
very well put. He needs to be a father, his children with OP aren't just guests in his new home. They are not just her children. He needs to step up and parent in both situations. I bet if either of his two children with new partner ever get sick and are with their half siblings, he won't be keeping them beyond contact time, he'll be sending them home 'harbouring a potential bug' to quote one poster. Kids get sick, these things happen and you can't as a parent toss that responsibility in favour of half the 'family'.

ShaneTheThird · 07/10/2021 10:14

The therapy didn't work really did it op. Not only are you still bitter and angry years later, you are now using your children to manufacture more angst against their father and stepmother.

The children have 2 homes. Not one. But two. This means it's a different set up to children who have one home. So stop trying to say you should send sick or kids exposed to sickness between two homes. It's selfish and twisted.

Also as for feeding them it's literally a none issue. Maybe he didn't have his wallet as he assumed they were going to his until op sprang it on him last minute. They went back to the mother's house where she presumably is able to feed them. Not the end of the world but of course lots of women want to be dramatic here projecting their own hate onto ex's.

2Two · 07/10/2021 10:15

@Holskey

I wonder how many mothers here would forbid their own children from entering their homes.

Yanbu OP. This is double standards. I guess if you said you didn't want your children in your house because your DP was about to have surgery, the responses would be different.

This is nonsense. Obviously no-one would ban their children from their only home, but that isn't the situation here. All that happened was that the children were taken out instead of going back to their father's house on one occasion. Yes, he should have fed them, but that's a separate issue. I suspect plenty of mothers who are 9 months pregnant and about to have a caesarian would try to make arrangements to ensure they didn't have contact with other children with a vomiting bug, not least because of the issue pointed out above of the danger of taking that sort of bug into a hospital full of sick people.

And yes, if OP had posted that she was planning to take her non-resident children out for the day rather than risk both her husband's urgent surgery and the health of an unborn baby people would be saying it was entirely sensible.

vivainsomnia · 07/10/2021 10:15

Reading this thread makes me have more sympathy towards stepmum who moan about their partner's exes. It sounds like you're one of them!

ShaneTheThird · 07/10/2021 10:16

@Holskey

I wonder how many mothers here would forbid their own children from entering their homes.

Yanbu OP. This is double standards. I guess if you said you didn't want your children in your house because your DP was about to have surgery, the responses would be different.

Well actually a few women on the covid boards did just that when their children caught covid at their fathers homes.
newnameday · 07/10/2021 10:19

[quote puddlebubble]**@NewNameDay* If he's loaded, yes he could have ordered you all a takeaway but if he has two families to pay into and not enough to go around comfortably, then actually YABU even for expecting him to feed them outside the home*

I have to laugh, what a strange comment - his contact time, his kids, his responsibility. Why would OP be expected to provide every single meal in the home no less, every single day even during his contact time. Grin[/quote]
@puddlebubble
If you read my whole post and not just handpick a section, I said she is being unreasonable because she left it last minute to tell him when he would have already had food prepared for tea, to then expect him to magic money for a second meal because they can't go into a pregnant woman's house and possibly infect her.

She should have given him more notice to not waste the meal already there and to budget for another meal if she expected him to still feed them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2021 10:21

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. They’re seeing their dad, what’s the problem.
In his circumstances, other people may well have cancelled altogether.