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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:16

I really don't know why everyone is suggesting mcdonalds. As soon as I feed DSC that they are hungry again like an hour later.

choli · 07/10/2021 07:17

As much as you hate the OW, I can't stress enough how unfair you're potentially being on a little baby who could be in so much pain and sickness if you continue to be happy to send infectious/possibly infectious DC to their house.
I suspect OP would delight in that outcome.

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 07:19

@newnameday she sent him two healthy children. It might be understandable the wife is concerned, but school would expect the healthy two, sports and other clubs would expect the healthy two, work would expect the healthy two, it’s not a huge reach to imagine their own father would expect them too.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:20

They are treating your children differently to their own. yes because the children have a different set up and have TWO homes. A benefit of which is that they don't have to infect both their families. It's better for the children to have their SM deliver the baby in the healthiest condition. If they went round to dads house it would have been an absolute nightmare with SM trying to avoid them, and dad detoling everywhere surely that would make them feel worse.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:21

@choli

As much as you hate the OW, I can't stress enough how unfair you're potentially being on a little baby who could be in so much pain and sickness if you continue to be happy to send infectious/possibly infectious DC to their house. I suspect OP would delight in that outcome.
It's odd becuase the OP seems so worried about her kids seeing their half sibling but doesn't seem to have given any thought to their unborn half sibling
newnameday · 07/10/2021 07:28

[quote timeisnotaline]@newnameday she sent him two healthy children. It might be understandable the wife is concerned, but school would expect the healthy two, sports and other clubs would expect the healthy two, work would expect the healthy two, it’s not a huge reach to imagine their own father would expect them too.[/quote]
It's not.

However if you were in the pregnant partner's shoes, surely you would also want to limit the possibility of sickness. The two healthy DC may be harbouring the illness and in that situation it's not worth it. Not when an unborn child is at risk. School etc is a different matter.

If I was pregnant (esp at term and due a section) and my DC was sick, I would also be limiting contact if possible with help from husband and family. As much as I love them, it's about (to quote/paraphrase a PP) protecting the most vulnerable.

In this case, the most vulnerable is the unborn child/newborn once here.

newnameday · 07/10/2021 07:31

ExH also won't be seeing much of his 3 older DC if his partner gets sick, hospitalised, baby is in a care unit and sick, ExH has to look after other child and spend time at hospital with new baby and his partner etc. So as PP above me, it is better for them for the partner to stay healthy.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2021 07:32

I wonder how many people who are horrified at this would be delighted with the potential of a sickness bug when they are due a c-section. Vomiting and rushing to the toilet after abdominal surgery...? Really? Much as I hate the OW involved in my personal situation I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It doesn't matter what would happen if the children were there all the time because they don't and therefore the perceived risk is unnecessary. A set up where there is a RP and a NRP is never going to be the same as a single unit family.

Upsielazy · 07/10/2021 07:36

@scottishlass123

I can understand why the pregnant woman would not want a sick child in her home but the underlying issue here is that your children are not being treated by your ex and his partner like their own kids, parents cannot opt out of looking after a sick child because of pregnancy or new baby, they wouldn't do this to their own shared child. They are treating your children differently to their own. It sounds like your 3 children hardly see their Dad anyway which isn't on and he seems to pick and choose when he sees his kids as he has put parental responsibility onto you and that is not fair from the children's perspective. Parents should want and move heaven and earth to see their children as much as possible.
Well yes you're right, their joint child they are unlikely to send out onto the streets until they're not contagious. Its not the same.
JustRambling · 07/10/2021 07:36

Dear OP. I feel sorry for you but you are already accusing your ex of future misdeeds eg your DCS being pushed further down the list. The message I’m getting from your posts is of someone who is still hurting with the fact that your ex has moved on and built a new life. Please go and talk to a counsellor who can help you also to move on. You shouldn’t have to continue any more with this cloud hanging over you.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 07:42

Vomiting and rushing to the toilet after abdominal surgery...? Really? Much as I hate the OW involved in my personal situation I wouldn't wish that on anyone. worse, they might throw up during surgery and cause chaos. Then there's the rest of the ward to worry about. And the staff.

CroakInTheHole · 07/10/2021 07:44

@scottishlass123

I can understand why the pregnant woman would not want a sick child in her home but the underlying issue here is that your children are not being treated by your ex and his partner like their own kids, parents cannot opt out of looking after a sick child because of pregnancy or new baby, they wouldn't do this to their own shared child. They are treating your children differently to their own. It sounds like your 3 children hardly see their Dad anyway which isn't on and he seems to pick and choose when he sees his kids as he has put parental responsibility onto you and that is not fair from the children's perspective. Parents should want and move heaven and earth to see their children as much as possible.
Because the children are different. In that they have a parent at another home where they could comfortably be. Their children don't have that.

They may have reduced the risk with their other children in other ways if they had been the ill ones, i.e. trying to quarantine at home. It doesn't mean you shouldn't use a completely sensible and viable option for DSC (staying with their mother) just because you don't have the same option for other children.

Worldwide2 · 07/10/2021 07:57

The more I read of your posts it sounds like you actually want her to get sick. You sound really really horrible. She and her unborn baby are definitely priority in this situation, they took what measures they had to ensure she was safe. But he still spent time with his children. There maybe times when baby is small and your children are ill again this situation will have to be repeated so I suggest you suck it up because it is what it is. They have another child together and you haven't mentioned where they have pushed your children aside. So I doubt they will do it unless necessary. Your children will only feel disappointed if you project this on to them. You should make light of it as its only you with the problem.
Also to add I have a friend in similar situation to you, ex moved on had another baby but baby was born premature and the doctors advised no visitors with anyone with a hint of a cold ect so my friends kids could only face time for 2 weeks I think because they had the usual sniffles ect but it wasnt forever, it was to keep the baby safe. My friend understood that. You should understand that it is vital she doesn't get sick before major surgery. I just don't think you care and are too busy getting yourself wound up with the scenerio you have made up in your head - your children are being pushed out when they are not.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2021 08:02

I'm sorry that I've come across badly here, perhaps in a day or so I'll read the thread back and feel the same way, but at the moment I don't

I don't think you came across that badly tbh. I find it frustrating here that women are supposed to be constantly grateful for the merest crumbs from a man.

Its shocking that their father only sees them once a week for dinner and considers them a responsibility he can shrug off when its not convenient. DC are not "visitors" they are his children. Also rubbish that he couldn't even feed them before sending them home.

I would avoid sending DC between homes with exposure to a vomiting bug when surgery is in sight. However the point is if he normally gave his DC the time and attention they deserve then a one off miss for a vomiting bug wouldn't have been an issue would it?

All that said, you cannot make him a half way decent father. Do your DC have uncles, DGF, other better male role models in their lives? If so I'd foster those relationships instead. As the children grow they will lose interest in the uninterested DF and would be better off with other adults who care about them.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2021 08:06

She and her unborn baby are definitely priority in this situation, they took what measures they had to ensure she was safe. But he still spent time with his children

Yes absolutely his first three children really don't matter do they? OP and the DC should be grateful that he plays dad once a week for a couple of hours even if he doesn't bother to feed them.

The low standards expected of fathers sometimes is depressing. This is a father of three school aged children who only sees them for dinner once a week. Frankly he's the disgrace.

ButterflyAway · 07/10/2021 08:11

Completely understand why a 9 month pregnant women who’s about to have a serious medical procedure doesn’t want potentially sick children to be around her. Bit baffled that you, who has had 3, doesn’t understand that.

YANBU about him not feeding them. There’s McDonald’s galore about, refuse to believe he can’t stretch to the price of two happy meals if he was that stuck for being able to feed them.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2021 08:17

Yes absolutely his first three children really don't matter do they?

No one on this thread said that they don't.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2021 08:20

@SoupDragon

Yes absolutely his first three children really don't matter do they?

No one on this thread said that they don't.

Most posters have said the new family come first, completely ignoring how little time he spends with his first three DC. He didn't even feed them for pity's sake.

If this were a one off in the context of a father who gave a fig about his first three children the OP would probably not be raising this as an issue. It isn't - its a father who gives minimal time to them already and very few posters acknowledge that as they jump on the OP.

SeasonFinale · 07/10/2021 08:21

@ButterflyAway

Completely understand why a 9 month pregnant women who’s about to have a serious medical procedure doesn’t want potentially sick children to be around her. Bit baffled that you, who has had 3, doesn’t understand that.

YANBU about him not feeding them. There’s McDonald’s galore about, refuse to believe he can’t stretch to the price of two happy meals if he was that stuck for being able to feed them.

This sums it up perfectly.

However the OP's hatred for the new DP has clouded her judgment.

Billandben444 · 07/10/2021 08:22

I really don't know why everyone is suggesting mcdonalds. As soon as I feed DSC that they are hungry again like an hour later.
I suggested mcdonalds because you can sit in out of the rain, they're great at socially distancing etc and they're cheap. Presumably as dad gets it in the neck from OP and partner (wife?), he's kept a bit short of pocket money as well.

SmileySandwich · 07/10/2021 08:22

Yes absolutely his first three children really don't matter do they? they do matter, that's why he still took them out in the safest way he could think of at short notice. Some people wouldn't have even risked that.

And they matter so dad doesn't want them living with the guilt if they make their unborn halfsibling ill. Or their stepmum, who they might care about.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 07/10/2021 08:24

I think yabu...he still took them out. What's the problem?
I'd not want potentially I'll kids coming to my house when I was 9months pregnant.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2021 08:31

Presumably as dad gets it in the neck from OP and partner (wife?), he's kept a bit short of pocket money as well

Oh the poor man. He nobly spends a whole couple of hours a week with his first three school aged children in normal times. He bravely decided to have two more kids with another woman.

Yes verily the man is the victim here.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2021 08:34

Most posters have said the new family come first

No they haven't.

Most posters have said that the woman about to undergo abdominal surgery takes priority when there is a potential risk of a sickness bug. Especially when the children still got to see their father on the scheduled day.

LettertoHermoine · 07/10/2021 08:40

I wouldn't want even the slightest chance of bringing a vomiting bug into my house never mind if I was 9 months pregnant...I think your ex and his new partner are perfectly within their rights to be cautious there and you are being HUGELY unreasonable to expect it to happen.

However he should have brought them for something to eat or at least brought some sambo's to eat in the park, bringing them back without being fed is not on.