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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
black2black · 06/10/2021 23:09

Oh OP I really feel for you. You're clearly very bitter about him moving on. Have you considered counselling?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 23:14

@black2black

Oh OP I really feel for you. You're clearly very bitter about him moving on. Have you considered counselling?
I assure you I'm not bitter about him moving on, I dealt with that years ago and it is what it is. I wouldn't want him back if you paid me.

If I'm being unreasonable then it's coming from a place of concern for my DC. Yes it might be projection on my part, which I'll accept, but I do worry that over time they will be pushed further and further down the list.

OP posts:
black2black · 06/10/2021 23:18

If I'm being unreasonable then it's coming from a place of concern for my DC. Yes it might be projection on my part, which I'll accept, but I do worry that over time they will be pushed further and further down the list.

I can understand that. I would want my kids to feel second best to an ex's new kids. Could you maybe have a chat with them about your fears?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 23:30

@black2black

If I'm being unreasonable then it's coming from a place of concern for my DC. Yes it might be projection on my part, which I'll accept, but I do worry that over time they will be pushed further and further down the list.

I can understand that. I would want my kids to feel second best to an ex's new kids. Could you maybe have a chat with them about your fears?

Thank you for understanding.

I could, but I don't think there's much point. He will probably echo the many here who think I'm being jealous or spiteful.

All in all, all I can do is feel what I'm feeling and make the DC feel as secure as possible.

OP posts:
In4mation · 06/10/2021 23:41

I’ve known a couple of friends mothers that have been so bitter after their partners left that it’s eaten them up, and years later it’s still stopped them from moving on and enjoying life. They’ve ended up sad, lonely old women.

Please be careful op. Don’t let the bitterness consume you. The best form of revenge is to move on and enjoy life.

Let it go and work towards a bit of give and take with your children’s father.

UltimateBugKilla · 06/10/2021 23:59

Guess what, he is now has the bug she didn't want.. Obviously!

Its a bit dramatic, but its not the end of the world, He should have fed them though, and he's an ass for not doing that

Vivi0 · 07/10/2021 00:11

I probably haven't come across well here today but I'm actually a reasonably nice person

You keep telling yourself that. It’s obvious from your posts that you are most definitely not a reasonably nice person.

LOISJ · 07/10/2021 00:19

You’re absolutely bang out of order.

His partner is going to hospital for a Caesarean!! Major surgery. Not to mention the risk of just generally feeling rubbish/poorly if anyone catches the bug. Equally her immune system is weaker due to being pregnant. Your ex has done the right thing. Be reasonable for crying out loud!!

He met up your kids and he has a GENUINE reason for them not to be able to come to the house on this occasion. He’s not ditching them or dropping is responsibilities he’s being sensible and practical

Volhhg · 07/10/2021 00:25

YANBU. I'm of the opinion that children are still the other parents responsibility when sick and that this man and woman had a pregnancy knowing that their father had this responsibility of sick children. In my view the parents should behave as if the children live with them as their first and only home.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 07/10/2021 02:03

You are being shockingly unreasonable. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to catch a vomiting bug with a c-section wound Shock. Especially one that I could have easily prevented.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 07/10/2021 02:09

And I don't see how your DC feelings will be hurt because surely it's a matter of their parents using their words to explain that plans MUST change to protect their stepmother and their brand new sibling. Of course we wouldn't want a brand new baby to get sick just so you can't eat your dinner inside your father's house?!

choli · 07/10/2021 02:52

Could you maybe have a chat with them about your fears?
Seriously? I really doubt that would be helpful.

liveforsummer · 07/10/2021 02:55

@Volhhg

YANBU. I'm of the opinion that children are still the other parents responsibility when sick and that this man and woman had a pregnancy knowing that their father had this responsibility of sick children. In my view the parents should behave as if the children live with them as their first and only home.
I'd normally say exactly the same thing however I make an exception where there is a simple once off other option plus major abdominal surgery imminent.
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 07/10/2021 03:14

Ok so major surgery aside, what happens if my DC are ill again when the baby is 1/2/3 months old? Because it's not unlikely that it'll happen, given that they go to school and spend their days among 100's of other children.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/10/2021 03:17

@Zoflorananana

Ok so major surgery aside, what happens if my DC are ill again when the baby is 1/2/3 months old? Because it's not unlikely that it'll happen, given that they go to school and spend their days among 100's of other children.
Then you and your ex work out what is the best thing to do in that situation. If it’s something dangerous to the baby he sees them outside somewhere.

Just the same as if one of the half siblings has something contagious you discuss if your ex should see them outside to protect your kids.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 07/10/2021 03:22

If it’s something dangerous to the baby he sees them outside somewhere.

How could I know if it's something dangerous to the baby though? RSV for example, relatively harmless in kids my DC's age but potentially fatal for babies.

Does that mean I should be keeping them home at any sign of a sniffle or common cold? Because I can definitely see it heading that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 07/10/2021 03:25

Just to add, I would be totally understanding if they decided to isolate the children at their house. My issue is the prohibiting them from being there completely.

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 07/10/2021 03:57

YABU and how you react will play a big part in how they feel about it.

Make light of it and let them see that you think it was reasonable and they will do the same, make it into a big deal and they will too.

He should be getting them tea though.

JustLyra · 07/10/2021 04:11

@Zoflorananana

If it’s something dangerous to the baby he sees them outside somewhere.

How could I know if it's something dangerous to the baby though? RSV for example, relatively harmless in kids my DC's age but potentially fatal for babies.

Does that mean I should be keeping them home at any sign of a sniffle or common cold? Because I can definitely see it heading that way.

You are determined to turn this into a drama and there’s really no need for it.

Given you’ve not mentioned it, they’ve not been massively over protective of their first child so there’s nothing to say they’ll be so over their second.

They’ve kept two children potentially harbouring a d&v bug away from a 9 month pregnant woman who is going to be having a hospital stay soon for a section.

They’ve not banished your children forever.

Ajl46 · 07/10/2021 04:27

@Zoflorananana

Which is a genuine grievance. Totally separate to him and his partner not wanting to catch a sick bug when she is heavily pregnant and having a c-section imminently

Fair enough, although he's not somebody who has ever cared about getting sick. It's driven by her I will guarantee it, so on that basis it gets my back up and I will accept that probably colours my view.

Because she (and their unborn child) is the one most at risk. If you were about to have a c-section you'd take sensible measures to reduce chances of getting ill wouldn't you? How would your DC feel if they passed on a bug to her and she ruptured stitches, or the baby got dehydrated etc? Teaching them to be considerate of the needs of vulnerable people is good parenting.
Your dislike of his new partner (which is entirely understandable) is colouring your judgement here so YABU.
Ajl46 · 07/10/2021 04:31

@puddlebubble

YANBU. His children, his contact time, his responsibility, however he works around it. He should have fed his children. Perhaps if he had asked nicely, explained the issue - you might have agreed? But he didn't, he dumped part of his contact time and responsibility back on you. What if you were unavailable to be there? What then? Not feed them, stick them in a hotel for the night. I understand why you are annoyed. I understand her concerns. He needs to grow up, they are his kids not just yours; this will probably not be the last time this happens.
His new partner having a c section is hardly going to be a regular occurrence.
londonrach · 07/10/2021 04:35

Yabvu. She's about to give birth and you sent two children without warning who been exposed to a sickness bug. Their dad just adjusted the plan to reduce the risk. Very sensible.

MitheringMytryl · 07/10/2021 04:42

Bit cheeky of him not to feed them. Surely he could have sorted something? I would be pissed off about that. But everything else is fine.

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 04:55

I’d have pretended to be out and say I’m not home till 8 so you will have to get them some food from somewhere, you took them for dinner remember. They can’t eat a football.
I sympathise with having a shit parent for an ex but I do understand the 9 months pregnant woman not wanting a bug in the house, sorry!

CJsGoldfish · 07/10/2021 05:04

I don't like her and I won't pretend that I do but yes I do hide it from the children and they are none the wiser

There is no way you can hide that level of bitterness from the children. It became clearer and clearer as the thread went on.
I can almost guarantee that your children are picking up your resentment and anger. The damage might not be evident now but it WILL eventually be.
Some counselling wouldn't go astray. If not for yourself then for the children who will ultimately pay the price