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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
Eilatan2018 · 06/10/2021 21:59

@Zoflorananana

You are being totally unreasonable. One has a sickness bug, the poor woman about to give birth does not want a sickness bug.. I don’t blame her!

The one with the sickness bug stayed home. The other two were fine, and have been fine, since DC3 developed the symptoms days ago.

It’s so contagious they might be carriers. I just think you’re jealous of the whole situation and I can kind of get that but if you were about to give birth you’d feel the same I am sure!
SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 22:00

since DC3 developed the symptoms days ago.

Why did you wait until your ex was on his way today to tell him?

yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 22:02

Perhaps if he had asked nicely, explained the issue - you might have agreed? But he didn't

Agree with this. I can see a reasonable conversation where he says look, XX is close to her c-section, we're all a bit worried about it, I'm collecting the kids but, instead of heading home, we're going to have a play in the park and a McDonalds for dinner.

WrapAroundYourDreams · 06/10/2021 22:03

Perhaps if he had asked nicely, explained the issue - you might have agreed? But he didn't

Well except she didn't give him the chance to because he didn't know til he was on his way round.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/10/2021 22:03

@lynntheyresexpeople

Sorry you're being completely unreasonable. I wouldn't want anyone with a sickness bug near me when I was 9 months pregnant and due for a section! It's common sense that they could pass it on to their dad or his partner. He still saw them, outdoors and was sensible. Didn't let the children down, and was respectful to his DP. Sounds pretty spot on to me. Your feelings about your ex and his DP are massively clouding your judgement.
This. The only way he could have been more considerate would have been to take them for food. You are being really quite unreasonable.
PixieLaLa · 06/10/2021 22:07

YABU
You are quite clearly jealous and bitter. Its not a good look, grow up.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 22:07

@Zoflorananana

You are being totally unreasonable. One has a sickness bug, the poor woman about to give birth does not want a sickness bug.. I don’t blame her!

The one with the sickness bug stayed home. The other two were fine, and have been fine, since DC3 developed the symptoms days ago.

🤦🏼‍♀️ really not the point
CroakInTheHole · 06/10/2021 22:09

@Zoflorananana

Which is a genuine grievance. Totally separate to him and his partner not wanting to catch a sick bug when she is heavily pregnant and having a c-section imminently

Fair enough, although he's not somebody who has ever cared about getting sick. It's driven by her I will guarantee it, so on that basis it gets my back up and I will accept that probably colours my view.

Of course it's driven by her... But that's hardly surprising. Pregnant woman awaiting c section doesn't want sickness bug, wow shocker Hmm
Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 22:10

I don’t get this thread, if OP had posted that she didn’t want DSC to come over because one of them was ill, you’d have had your arse handed to you!

Not if OP was imminently due to have a c section she wouldn't. I've seen threads where OP is pregnant and/or has a newborn and doesn't want sick DSC to visit, and many posters have agreed.

Kerikerikeri · 06/10/2021 22:12

I wouldn’t send my kids to a house where there was a sickness bug because it’s “par for the course”. That’s crazy OP. Would you really do this? Or are you just saying they because you aren’t willing to admit you are wrong.

If you had posted and said “I am pregnant and my step son has a sickness bug. Would I be unreasonable to cancel his siblings coming because I am scheduled to have a C section this week / due to give birth?” I would 100% have said you were not being unreasonable.

CroakInTheHole · 06/10/2021 22:15

He probably would have done had he not been on his way, then he'd have been able to do a total cop out. I'm sure that would have suited them both just fine

You're ridiculous. And this thread is clearly a waste of time because you cannot see how vindictive and unreasonable you are being.

I also imagine this is exactly why you didn't tell him until he was already on the way.

Sounds like you'd love his partner and her innocent unborn child to get sick... I'm not sure that's something I'd want to be shouting about tbh.

NewNameDay · 06/10/2021 22:15

@Zoflorananana

So most of us can agree then that he was being a shit for not feeding them. That's something Grin
Not really. If you didn't give him notice to plan the cost for three meals, that's on you! Especially as your next update states your DC developed symptoms days ago, you should have warned him days ago not sprung it on them last minute.

Do you really hate this woman so much that you're okay with a bug potentially being passed on to an unborn child? Because it's not just the DP who could be at risk here. Same query about the "obvious just a cold". It's not worth the risk these days.

If he's loaded, yes he could have ordered you all a takeaway but if he has two families to pay into and not enough to go around comfortably, then actually YABU even for expecting him to feed them outside the home (unless their dinner was going to be at a restaurant anyway, which it wasn't) as that's an unknown expense not everyone can afford.

You could have still asked him if he was able to send some money across for a takeaway delivery, if he has it.

CroakInTheHole · 06/10/2021 22:16

@Kerikerikeri

I wouldn’t send my kids to a house where there was a sickness bug because it’s “par for the course”. That’s crazy OP. Would you really do this? Or are you just saying they because you aren’t willing to admit you are wrong.

If you had posted and said “I am pregnant and my step son has a sickness bug. Would I be unreasonable to cancel his siblings coming because I am scheduled to have a C section this week / due to give birth?” I would 100% have said you were not being unreasonable.

It's clearly all about punishing her ex and his partner (can't even be that new of a partner seen as they already have a child together). She'd have loved them to get sick, you can tell. Appalling.
Mydogmylife · 06/10/2021 22:17

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

Illness is no respector of anyone's ' lists of priorities' chill out ffs
KT727 · 06/10/2021 22:20

Would you like to get a D&V bug, the same week/month that you were due to have painful major surgery, followed by sleepless nights with a newborn? Realistically if your ex had taken his DC to his house then he would be exposing his new partner to a sickness bug. The hospital wouldn't want a sickness bug brought into the hospital either.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 22:22

If you had posted and said “I am pregnant and my step son has a sickness bug. Would I be unreasonable to cancel his siblings coming because I am scheduled to have a C section this week / due to give birth?” I would 100% have said you were not being unreasonable.

Me too. 1 trillion per cent.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/10/2021 22:25

God can you imagine having a d&v bug with a c-section.

I'm feeling a bit faint at the thought tbh!

My exH is a frequent non-feeder ('oh they had a late brunch, so they weren't hungry' meaning I have to cook an unexpected dinner when he brings them home at 7pm) and I do 99% of the parenting too so I get the frustration, but it's not the other kids' fault and yes, it's fair that she's extra cautious in this instance.

You don't have to like it but you do have to suck it up this time Thanks

Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 22:27

@SoupDragon

since DC3 developed the symptoms days ago.

Why did you wait until your ex was on his way today to tell him?

Oh this infuriates me. DP's ex has done this before - a casual "oh by the way dsc1 has a vomiting bug" when he's en route to collect them 🤦🏼‍♀️

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/10/2021 22:30

I would normally always side with the RP. I'm an RP whose son has been abandoned by his Dad. A Dad who would have put anything first except him. I cannot abide shite parents.

However, OP, you are just being vindictive. You may have every right to hate your ex's partner. She may have been the OW. If that's the case, I get your annoyance.

However, your ex has done what mine wouldn't have. That is see his kids and manage it the best he can under the circs. Regardless of your feelings towards this woman, she is perfectly entitled to protect her health especially ahead of major surgery. Surely you can see that? Your kids will only care about any of it because you've made it an issue. As a single mum, I see where you're coming from but where you're coming from is not healthy or ok at all.

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/10/2021 22:30

I don’t get this thread, if OP had posted that she didn’t want DSC to come over because one of them was ill, you’d have had your arse handed to you!

Not if she'd also said she was having major surgery in a few days' time.

Maybe because she was the reason he decided to leave his children in the first place... But did she know about you? Did she know he was married? Or did he do the usual cheater's spiel? HE was the one who left, not her.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 22:32

Your kids will only care about any of it because you've made it an issue

Absolutely this.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/10/2021 22:35

Also why are you only responding to people who agree with your ridiculous and selfish stance 🤔

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 22:41

I would normally always side with the RP. I'm an RP whose son has been abandoned by his Dad. A Dad who would have put anything first except him. I cannot abide shite parents

I'm sorry, that was really sad to read. It sounds as though your son is much better off without him if he can treat him so poorly.

did she know about you? Did she know he was married? Or did he do the usual cheater's spiel? HE was the one who left, not her.

We weren't married but yes she knew about me and our children, he told her I was abusive and a drunk. You'd laugh at the thought If you knew me. I probably haven't come across well here today but I'm actually a reasonably nice person.

Also why are you only responding to people who agree with your ridiculous and selfish stance

I'm not intentionally, but when you have pages of people telling you what a horrible person you are you tend to be grateful for the posts in among them which can empathise with me.

OP posts:
NewNameDay · 06/10/2021 22:50

OP, why didn't you tell him earlier? Like days earlier, so he could have either protected his partner better (not got the kids in the car, which I presume happened, and exposed himself by walking somewhere)? Or could have arranged a dinner to be sent over?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 22:55

@NewNameDay

OP, why didn't you tell him earlier? Like days earlier, so he could have either protected his partner better (not got the kids in the car, which I presume happened, and exposed himself by walking somewhere)? Or could have arranged a dinner to be sent over?
It honestly didn't occur.

If DC3 wasn't recovered by today I would've kept him home regardless. I also assumed that given the fact neither of the other two came down with symptoms that they had managed to avoid catching it, and it does appear that way.

Obviously if all 3 were ill or even 2 of them I wouldn't have sent them.

OP posts: