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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
lnsufficientFuns · 06/10/2021 21:34

Your ex is right and you are being ah ass.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 21:34

@Simonjt

So you’re annoyed that someone who is about to have major surgery doesn’t want a sickness bug? But not only that, a new born baby could be exposed to a sickness bug, it doesn’t take a genius to work out how dangerous that could be.

If you would happily have a sickness bug when you’re due major surgery and expose a newborn baby to it then crack on, but don’t expect anyone else to have your standards.

100% this

NameChange74567 · 06/10/2021 21:35

Would you be happy for your dc to go to their dad's house if their half siblings had a sickness bug?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:36

@Cadent

I don’t get this thread, if OP had posted that she didn’t want DSC to come over because one of them was ill, you’d have had your arse handed to you!

You can’t win on MN, OP. As the woman, you are ALWAYS responsible for your children and you have to be grateful for whatever crumbs your ex gives.

Yes I'm surprised at the responses too, infact I've seen posts like you describe and it's almost always a unanimous YABU because you cannot opt out of parenting when your kids are ill.

Taking them for a kick about in the park for two hours and then returning them home, unfed, doesn't constitute parenting in my eyes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:39

@NameChange74567

Would you be happy for your dc to go to their dad's house if their half siblings had a sickness bug?
Most probably yes, as I said it's par for the course.

There have been times actually, when their DC has been ill, and when asked I've chosen to allow him to take the children anyway because the routine and regularity is important for them.

OP posts:
yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 21:41

I think you can't dictate what he does with the kids during his time. I'm not sure why he even told you what he had planned actually. My dad used to sometimes take us out to the cinema or bowling etc. instead of back to his. We loved it. But he really needs to feed them!

SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 21:41

I don’t get this thread, if OP had posted that she didn’t want DSC to come over because one of them was ill, you’d have had your arse handed to you!

I disagree. If you'd said the ex was insisting on sending the DSC over when they had a sickness bug in the house and you were due to have a c-section imminently you would get sympathy.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2021 21:42

There have been times actually, when their DC has been ill, and when asked I've chosen to allow him to take the children anyway because the routine and regularity is important for them.

On any of those times have you been about to have a c-section?

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:42

@yikersvipers

I think you can't dictate what he does with the kids during his time. I'm not sure why he even told you what he had planned actually. My dad used to sometimes take us out to the cinema or bowling etc. instead of back to his. We loved it. But he really needs to feed them!
He told me about the change of plans because he wanted to let me know they wouldn't be having their dinner there and so I need to make them something.
OP posts:
yikersvipers · 06/10/2021 21:43

No, that's not on. He's way in the wrong on that point.

NameChange74567 · 06/10/2021 21:46

Might just be me, but why would you risk them catching something completely unavoidable? My 3DC had a sickness bug recently DD2 ended up in hospital for 2 nights because of it.

WrapAroundYourDreams · 06/10/2021 21:46

@Zoflorananana what part of EXCEPTIONAL CIRCUMSTANCES don't you understand?

How can you compare sending your DC to theirs when their DC are unwell, which you have chosen to do, to his partner perhaps wanting to avoid a horrible sick bug when she is about to have major surgery?

I've had two c-sections, can't imagine how horrific it would be to have a sick bug whilst going through that. Your grievances with him for other things are really clouding your judgment here, because surely in her position you would hope for a bit of compassion? Would you want to be unwell when having major surgery? If this were your best friend, would you visit her with your DC atm?

neeenor · 06/10/2021 21:47

YABU - she doesn't need to get D&V before major surgery.
He still saw the kids. If they're old enough to play football in the park then they're probably old enough to understand about illness etc.
granted he could have got them a mcds or some sort of take out for dinner but you didn't exactly give him loads of notice.

Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:47

@yikersvipers

No, that's not on. He's way in the wrong on that point.
Absolutely he is. He passed the buck, feeding them, straight back onto me rather than coming up with an alternative.
OP posts:
Eilatan2018 · 06/10/2021 21:48

@Zoflorananana

The kids still spent time with their dad, I’m not sure what the issue is

My issue is they were looking forward to going there for their tea and seeing their half sibling but now have been effectively banned from the house. What sort of message is that sending them at a time of upheaval when they already have to deal with the fact there's going to be another child on the scene who lives with dad full time?

It just shows me where they are on his list of priorities.

You are being totally unreasonable. One has a sickness bug, the poor woman about to give birth does not want a sickness bug.. I don’t blame her! The kids saw their dad, they’ll get over it. You’re being very selfish. Give your head a wobble.
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:49

So most of us can agree then that he was being a shit for not feeding them. That's something Grin

OP posts:
WrapAroundYourDreams · 06/10/2021 21:51

I actually think if he'd turned round and said he wouldn't have them at the moment because of the risk of passing a sick bug to his heavily pregnant partner, he'd have been entirely reasonable to do so, never mind feeding them.

NameChange74567 · 06/10/2021 21:51

@Zoflorananana

So most of us can agree then that he was being a shit for not feeding them. That's something Grin
Yes he should have fed them. Other than that yabu.
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:51

You are being totally unreasonable. One has a sickness bug, the poor woman about to give birth does not want a sickness bug.. I don’t blame her!

The one with the sickness bug stayed home. The other two were fine, and have been fine, since DC3 developed the symptoms days ago.

OP posts:
WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 21:51

@Zoflorananana

So most of us can agree then that he was being a shit for not feeding them. That's something Grin
Yes, especially if he told you you'd have to do it rather than asked nicely or offered to grab a pizza at the shop for you.
chelle862 · 06/10/2021 21:51

Well don't you sound delightful! I bet you would of loved her to get the bug just as she's about to have her baby. Sort yourself out.

WeepySheepy · 06/10/2021 21:52

@Zoflorananana

You are being totally unreasonable. One has a sickness bug, the poor woman about to give birth does not want a sickness bug.. I don’t blame her!

The one with the sickness bug stayed home. The other two were fine, and have been fine, since DC3 developed the symptoms days ago.

Still wouldn't want to risk it. Can you imagine the chaos if she threw up in the operating theater?
Original poster
Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 21:53

@WrapAroundYourDreams

I actually think if he'd turned round and said he wouldn't have them at the moment because of the risk of passing a sick bug to his heavily pregnant partner, he'd have been entirely reasonable to do so, never mind feeding them.
He probably would have done had he not been on his way, then he'd have been able to do a total cop out. I'm sure that would have suited them both just fine.
OP posts:
WrapAroundYourDreams · 06/10/2021 21:59

He probably would have done had he not been on his way, then he'd have been able to do a total cop out. I'm sure that would have suited them both just fine.

Yep. You're definitely vindictive. No matter how many posters have told you otherwise, you still want to paint his partner as being unreasonable for wanting to avoid being unwell when she's due to have major surgery and a tiny baby to look after.

You're clearly jealous and bitter. You need to sort it out because it's doing you no good.

puddlebubble · 06/10/2021 21:59

YANBU. His children, his contact time, his responsibility, however he works around it. He should have fed his children. Perhaps if he had asked nicely, explained the issue - you might have agreed? But he didn't, he dumped part of his contact time and responsibility back on you. What if you were unavailable to be there? What then? Not feed them, stick them in a hotel for the night. I understand why you are annoyed. I understand her concerns. He needs to grow up, they are his kids not just yours; this will probably not be the last time this happens.

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