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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC can't go to their dad's because ONE of them is ill...

999 replies

Zoflorananana · 06/10/2021 16:44

3 DC with ex who has gone on to have a second family. His partner is in her ninth month of pregnancy with their 2nd and due to have a cesarian but, in my opinion, being bloody ridiculous.

DC were due to go round for their dinner today. I let ex know when he was on his way to collect them that one wouldn't be coming as he's ill with a sick virus but the other two are fine.

He picks up the two who are fine and off they go with no problems. 15 minutes later I get a phone call from him saying there's been a change of plan, he's going to take them to play football in the park instead as with DC3 being ill he doesn't want to risk household to household transmission and DC1 and DC2 could be asymptomatic with what DC3 has or just not showing symptoms yet and his DP is due to have a cesarian.

They are absolutely fine and have been to school, no problems.

I know his DP is behind the change of plan because this isn't something he would ever care about and I have told him as much. Kids get ill it's a fact of life and you can't wrap somebody in cotton wool or ban them all from their supposed second home just because ONE isn't well.

AIBU to be royally pissed off?

OP posts:
AuntMargo · 06/10/2021 19:58

No your being selfish and thoughtless for a woman is nearly 9mnths pregnant and about to have caesarian. Of course the other 2 could be carrying the virus or whatever the other one has. Stop being selfish !

backtolifebacktoreality · 06/10/2021 20:00

You are coming across as very childish, jealous and very unreasonable.

Your ex has still had the children but just not in his home. They don't want to risk his partner getting unwell just as she goes into hospital for a major operation. If she catches what your kids have she could end up passing it round the hospital too. It could be a virus or Covid or anything.

The majority of people on here are telling you that you ABU but you obviously don't like their answers.

If you are so worried about their food then ask your ex to get them something on the way home.

QueenLagertha · 06/10/2021 20:01

You are being completely unreasonable here OP . If the shoe was on the other foot and it was you about to have a c section would your view change?!

LowlandLucky · 06/10/2021 20:03

I think OP you sound very bitter. Jealousy is an awful emotion and i do feel for you but life moves on, let yourself grieve and move on.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/10/2021 20:04

He should have fed them but other than that YABU

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/10/2021 20:06

@MintyGreenDream

She probably couldn't be arsed with visiting ss and jumped at the chance of not having them with the bug as an excuse.
Are you by any chance projecting on to your ex and his new partner/wife? Have you always had such a low opinions of stepmums?
Terminallysleepdeprived · 06/10/2021 20:09

@Zoflorananana

Ok then I can see the majority think I'm being unreasonable. I'll take that. It's just frustrating when you do 90% of the parenting for the NRP to then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.
Except he hasn't opted out of parenting. He has rearranged his plans so he could still meet his parenting obligations and protect his dp and new baby.

I'm sorry @Zoflorananana but I do think that you are massively overreacting. You are repeatedly acting like he hasn't bothered with them at all, but he has.

I don't blame him for not taking them out for food. Just because they aren't ill yet doesn't mean they aren't brewing it.

You were massively out of line for springing it on him on his way to collect them. You deliberately orchestrated a situation to make him the bad guy and now you are bitching about him.

You need to take some responsibility here, you are not faultless I'm afraid.

YouTubeAddict · 06/10/2021 20:10

I thought you meant he brought them home! FGS..are you always so controlling that you get to say what he does with them when he has them 🙄 🙄 You sound just like my husband’s ex.

Yes, YOUR children had to eat with you once. Ask for a refund for the food if you’re that bothered.

squee123 · 06/10/2021 20:20

95%+ of people on the thread: you're being ridiculous here

OP: La la la, clings on to the very few comments in her favour.

Why ask AIBU if you have no intention of listening to what people have to say unless they agree with you?

Kerikerikeri · 06/10/2021 20:21

Maybe he doesn’t want to catch it in case he misses the birth of his baby.

Fair enough if they lived with him it couldn’t be helped. But they don’t. So it can be.

I get that you are annoyed that he doesn’t pull his weight. That would annoy me too. But in this case I feel that the best thing would be for him to err on the side of caution.

Sofiegiraffe · 06/10/2021 20:22

You're being unreasonable. He still has the kids, he's changed the plan that's all. Sensibly so, IMO. Even without a pregnancy I wouldn't want to be around kids in the same household as a vomiting bug. My partner's kids wouldn't be coming here if that were the case, and nor would I send my own DD to her dad's where there are small children if another child in our house was sick. It's just common sense precaution.

YouTubeAddict · 06/10/2021 20:23

As a PP said, what would he do if they lived with him full time?

And as another poster pointed out….they don’t do this I’d irrelevant. Every time you agree with something, you’re just cherry picking things which back you up and ignoring the overwhelming amount of people who are telling you that you’re being unreasonable.

You can’t come on this board and ask if you’re being unreasonable if you just want to be pandered to. Sometimes people will side with you but on this occasion they aren’t.

YouTubeAddict · 06/10/2021 20:24

*so this is irrelevant

Lalliella · 06/10/2021 20:28

What on earth? Why would you expect him to risk her and the baby’s health? The reason bugs like norovirus spread so much is that they’re infectious before symptoms appear. YABVU

Saoirse82 · 06/10/2021 20:29

You're being fucking ridiculous! She's about to have a c section which is major surgery, not to mention we are still in a pandemic. So unreasonable!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 06/10/2021 20:30

I don’t like her and I won't pretend that I do but yes I do hide it from the children and they are none the wiser

Of, course the children are aware of your palpable dislike of this woman

goodbyestranger · 06/10/2021 20:30

You're being completely self absorbed OP. New partner has very sound reasons for wanting to distance herself from the DC. You should have stepped up and said no worries, the Dad can see them when all the DC are in the clear.

silkience · 06/10/2021 20:39

Oh wow remember that really funny day when dad came to pick us up and we went and played football in the park together. So and so scored a goal and then we all had a great treat at Macdonalds and it was a lovely evening, just us and dad, and a real special treat

Or remember that horrible day when we had been out with dad to play football and have Mcdonalds and mum was really cross with dad and the atmosphere at home was really grim. Dad was really down and mum said some really strange things about dad and i went to bed worrying if dad really loved us anymore

@Pongo101 your post actually made me spit my tea out it was so (unintentionally) funny, Are you planning to write the John Lewis Christmas advert Grin

Ps - there was no McDonald's

Strictly1 · 06/10/2021 20:41

@NailsNeedDoing

I understand completely where you’re coming from, it’s hurts to see your children being treated badly by anyone, let alone their only other parent.

I could just about get over it if he still expected to take them for dinner, but the fact that he won’t either stick up for them enough to take them home or take them out for dinner means he’s being a shit.

No the OP created that by giving him no real warning. Telling him on the way there wasn't fair and was playing games. She lost but the real losers are her children as I doubt this is the first point scoring exercise.
mrsm43s · 06/10/2021 20:43

@CiaoForNiao He had a meal for them at home. If OP had given him enough notice, and said that she needed help affording to feed her children for one extra meal, then I'm sure he could have bought their portions over for reheating. Feeding children at home as part of the family meal in the weekly shop is pennies per portion, eating out, or even takeaway is much more costly.

But, when he was only told of the situation when he was already on his way over, it doesn't really leave much time to sort this out, does it?

Strictly1 · 06/10/2021 20:48

@Zoflorananana

Ok then I can see the majority think I'm being unreasonable. I'll take that. It's just frustrating when you do 90% of the parenting for the NRP to then be able to opt out of any actual parenting because he's chosen to create more children and use them as an excuse.
He didn't opt out though. He still took them out. He did have tea prepared and if you'd been reasonable and given him more notice he'd have known to plan alternatives.
feckingknackered · 06/10/2021 20:50

yabu - completely selfish attitude, you're not one bit bothered about your kids, they've seen their dad. you're blatantly jealous.

JustWorriedSick · 06/10/2021 20:51

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

I don’t like her and I won't pretend that I do but yes I do hide it from the children and they are none the wiser

Of, course the children are aware of your palpable dislike of this woman

Exactly
HaraldoIII · 06/10/2021 20:51

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Cannot believe so many women’s expectations of fathers doesnt include feeding them when they should. Like, literally keeping them alive with food.

He should have taken them to the park and then to a restaurant.

"yep literally keeping them alive with food".

Aye they absolutely are going to starve to death because their wicked evil father dropped them off at their mother's house where she presumably has food.

CiaoForNiao · 06/10/2021 20:52

[quote mrsm43s]@CiaoForNiao He had a meal for them at home. If OP had given him enough notice, and said that she needed help affording to feed her children for one extra meal, then I'm sure he could have bought their portions over for reheating. Feeding children at home as part of the family meal in the weekly shop is pennies per portion, eating out, or even takeaway is much more costly.

But, when he was only told of the situation when he was already on his way over, it doesn't really leave much time to sort this out, does it?[/quote]
Pennies per portion? Depends what you feed them.

But other than that yes. All true. I was merely replying to a PP who said "maybe dad couldn't afford to feed them" (or words to that effect) without any thought for the fact that maybe Mum hadn't budgeted/catered to feed them. Dad's always seem to be given a "get out of jail free" card by some women. I'm sure OP will feed her DC with a smile on her face. Doesn't mean she can't silently/on mumsnet have a grumble about it.

FWIW I don't think Dad did anything wrong in this situation. OP has confirmed he doesn't have a history of cancelling contact. It's exceptional circumstances.

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