I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

theyre all pathetic your dp in particular

i would have walked out at my mum will always come before you -that tells you everything you need to know

Tbh I think everyone involved could do with being a bit less melodramatic.

@Bearnecessity

Yup agree with above....also sad to see men getting slagged off again for loving their mums, Christ women are so controlling.

Loving their mums? he said his mum would come before his partner always-slightly different i think

What a load of rubbish. Will not hurt the child to cry itself to sleep occasionally.

OP tell them and him to fuck right off with the hysterics. If mum comes before you and a helpless 4 month old child then thats fine he can sod off back home.Do not waiver on the issues you hold dear for them or him. You need to stand firm and be the adult here, Your way or no way would be how I play it..be firm be strong for yourself and your baby,,not him or them,

Mil knows she was in the wrong so has turned it on you and rallied everyone against you.
Textbook narcissist behaviour, also the denial afterwards, crocodile tears and changing the story.
Sorry op you have a Mil and DH problem.

Both you and your mother in law sound like drama queens to me. A big fuss over nothing. Was the baby safe, warm, clean and fed.Sounds like he was.

@AutumnAlmanack

What a load of rubbish. Will not hurt the child to cry itself to sleep occasionally.

Is more or less true for the MIL's crying?

It also worries me that a 4 month old is even staying with MIL in the first place. It’s too young did you express and store enough for a night? Is he is bottle fed it would be more understandable. I guess I a trying to ask whether OP was bullied by DH into letting the baby stay with the PILS and whether they are behaving in a oredatory way over this baby. There was a thread a while back in a similar vein.

Predatory*

I don't think it is a great idea to leave your baby with people who you know have different rules on upbringing - and especially not overnight.

Not sure how you retrieve this situation to be honest.

@AutumnAlmanack that's not the point. It doesn't matter whether you agree with controlled crying or not. It's a personal choice, but NOT mil's to make. The point is she deliberately went against instructions thinking she knew best. Not her child, not her choice and very clearly shows the op how much she is respected.

I’d have gone batshit.
But to be frank, I wouldn’t have left him there in the first place.
She’s being manipulative.
Your partner is a massive dickhead mummies boy and I couldn’t come back from what he said to you.

@Underamour

It also worries me that a 4 month old is even staying with MIL in the first place. It’s too young did you express and store enough for a night? Is he is bottle fed it would be more understandable. I guess I a trying to ask whether OP was bullied by DH into letting the baby stay with the PILS and whether they are behaving in a oredatory way over this baby. There was a thread a while back in a similar vein.

My kids stayed with their grandparents at that age. Don't be judgemental

were staying away in different city for the night and it would have cost a fortune to get a taxi to there’s. Partner had spent a lot on nice hotel for us as he had been working away and wanted to treat us.

If I genuinely thought my baby was being damaged, to the point I was so angry I’d have shouted at someone down the phone, wild horses couldn’t have stopped me going to collect them. With all that phoning and shouting, it doesn’t exactly sound like it was a particularly good evening.

As others have said, nobody is covering themselves with glory here. I always took the view when someone was babysitting that I could let them know what I’d prefer, but it was pretty much their house their rules and as long as they weren’t neglecting my child, I could live with that.

If my husband said those things to me, I’d have shown him the door.

When my DinL had to go abroad to work I looked after her 6 month old twins for two weeks. I believe in letting babies cry for a while before going to them. They soon learnt to go back to sleep and on her return she was very grateful that they now slept through the night. As Dr Spock (not of Star Track fame) said “When they cry you will think they have got their head stuck through the bars of the cot, they haven’t.” Let them cry and soon they will get the message; my own children were good sleepers as a result. Don’t be too hard on your MinL, it’s just another way of parenting and the baby did go back to sleep. The grandparent/grandchild relationship is a very special one, for your child’s sake, don’t destroy it.

And a man can love his mother without turning on his partner and being complete walk over.

I have a grown up son. He loves me and I love him, but christ, if he ever said something like that to his partner and the mother of his child, I would know i’d done something very wrong bringing him up.

And if he ever has children and I am lucky enough to look after him, I’d follow his and the babies mother instructions to the letter.

*after them

Drama, lack of communication, yet another man-boy who'll never grow up... what a nightmare!

The main issue here is obviously the man-boy, who should be sent back to live with mummy at the earliest opportunity.

The 'different parenting styles' problem was always likely to be an issue and I have to say I am surprised OP that you felt the in-laws would be a suitable choice as babysitters. I also would've collected my child immediately and would make sure to leave it a while (or forever) before asking again.

I'd apologise for shouting because that wasn't necessary, but nothing else is your fault.

Now I have read the other thread, this is really the least of your problems. The biggest thing you can do for your child is get rid of him. He has done much worse than MIL. I’d take leaving a baby to cry for 10 minutes than his behaviour.

@Derbee

Personally, I would not have sent my 4 month old baby to stay the night with anyone.

In your circumstances, I would have calmly driven over and picked my baby up immediately, and explained that I was not happy with him being left to cry.

You lost the moral high ground when you shouted down the phone.

Essentially, your MIL is nasty and manipulative. It will probably all blow over, but annoyingly you’ll have to apologise as you have been wrong to shout at her.

The comments your partner made about his mummy always coming first etc etc would be the thing that rang alarm bells for me. That’s your issue really

Exactly this.

She’s twisting it so she looks like the victim instead of just having a mature conversation about it.

I’m sure it didn’t do him any harm but I wouldn’t have wanted my baby to be treated like that either, I think “controlled crying” is something you should respect the parents wishes on even if you are doing them a favour.

Now I have read the other thread, this is really the least of your problems. The biggest thing you can do for your child is get rid of him.

I've just had a look at the other threads and have to say I agree with you. DP is a complete dick.

I think your biggest problem in all of this is your DP and his reaction to you:

He put the seed of doubt in your mind in the first place by telling you how they used to let him cry to sleep

He then reinforced that doubt by telling you his mum said your son had a temper cry

Then the audacity to tell you you made his mum suicidal and he would always put her before you.

This is all his fault!!

Apologise to nobody

OP, you are in a seriously abusive relationship. You need to leave for your sake and for the sake of your baby.

You can leave and you and your little one can live happily.

This link has contact details for places you can find help.

www.mumsnet.com/i/domestic-violence-webguide