I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

Don’t be too hard on your MinL, it’s just another way of parenting and the baby did go back to sleep.

In this particular case, it's not not the Mother's way of parenting though, is it? Quite irrelevant what and how the MIL wants do things and what research they read, it's the Mother and Father's call. Anything other is disrespecting and belittling their parenting decisions. You (not singling you out, I mean all as MIL) have had your children, you have done things your way, now it's time to let the actual Mother and of course Father parent the way they see fit. If you can't respect that, it's you destroying the relationship. You clearly haven't taken much away from this thread.

How can anyone defend anyone who claims babies have a temper and need to be broken!
I've never heard such utter nonsense. I don't know why you ever left him there at all.
It's all unacceptable.

Agree with PP this didn’t have to be made in to such a drama. I would have just gone round and picked my DC up which would have sent a message anyway. Totally agree with you by the way a baby of 4 maths cries for a reason even if he just wanted his mum.

He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me !

You probably shouldn't have shouted, but stayed calm and just never left him with her again. However it's easy to be wise after the event.

The issue is the above quote. DP will only be on your side if his mother lets him. As soon as there's conflict, he will side with her. And this will go on for the rest of your lives if you're not careful. Whenever she has an opinion on anything, whether it's first haircut, school shoes, how you discipline DS, when he gets his first taste of chocolate...his mother's view will always take precedence over yours, and if you dare to stand up for yourself and your opinions you'll get more of the treatment above.

He may have appeared to share your ideas of parenting, but that's because she hasn't contradicted your way of doing things. Or has she? Have there been similar instances, just not at his mother's and she didn't have DS alone?

His mum will always come before you? That’s a deal breaker, you and your baby deserve better.

According to your other posts your OH is 29 and your only 23. He is an alcoholic who flirts with woman online and has minimal interest in his DC. The incident with MIL is just the tip of the ice berg. You were given good advice on previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4330729-My-partner-said-he-was-seeing-someone-else-and-then-said-he-wasn-t

This is the OP's other thread.

The entire relationship is a shitshow.

@Anon199000000, you need to stop thinking of this sow's ear as relationship material.

Pack his bags, send him back to his mummy. He is never going to shape up.

Go home to your family, get baby stuff second hand if you can't afford new. Your baby won't care. He will care about a mum who is constantly stressed and a dad who spends every penny on booze and cigarettes and thinks future-faking and whining about lack of sex is ok.

@mathanxiety

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4330729-My-partner-said-he-was-seeing-someone-else-and-then-said-he-wasn-t

This is the OP's other thread.

The entire relationship is a shitshow.

@Anon199000000, you need to stop thinking of this sow's ear as relationship material.

Pack his bags, send him back to his mummy. He is never going to shape up.

Go home to your family, get baby stuff second hand if you can't afford new. Your baby won't care. He will care about a mum who is constantly stressed and a dad who spends every penny on booze and cigarettes and thinks future-faking and whining about lack of sex is ok.

Op seriously get rid! What is he bring to the table? Sweet FA thats what.

OP, people are concerned and I usually hate past threads being brought up but you need to leave. He has and still is abusing you and you deserve better. Your child deserves better.

I know I need to leave, I don’t have any money.

he’s always been a bad partner looking back but ever since I had our son the way he behaves is just disgusting.

Ugh, I feel so trapped. So down. I’m just really waiting until I finally know he’s going to be out of the house for long enough for me to leave

I don’t always agree with old threads being dragged up, but @Anon199000000 this was only a month ago. You already know what you need to do, you just haven’t acted on it yet.

@Anon199000000 I haven't read all of the replies, so this might sound repetitive, but you are well within your rights to be very angry with your MIL. It's awful she did that knowing it was your first night away and that you specifically asked her not to behave like that - getting it wrong the first time they look after him isn't good - I would be on my best behaviour if I wanted future baby sitting opportunites. I would follow every rule I'd be given if I was babysitting new parents, even if they were silly things like "make sure you sing wheels on the bus ten times".

What I would say though is that the crying has not affected your baby. It's the worst thing in the world, and the baby crying is a million times worse for you. Your baby will be fine. I do appreciate it's not the point of the post and that your MIL was bang out of order but just wanted you to hear that.

Your partner needs to be fully on your side too - ignore the fact your MIL is upset. She will get over it but make sure you don't let her forget this too soon

Please OP, just leave him. For your sake and your baby.

You are NOT trapped. I know it feels like you are. You aren’t.

There are organisations that will help you leave and help you claim benefits to get on your feet.

I'm sorry OP . I have read the other threads and it is clear that you need to leave this abusive relationship.

This sounds bonkers. Regardless of MILs parenting style, she should respect your wishes if she has agreed to babysit your child.
Your husband should have YOUR BACK, the spineless git. Is MIL still breastfeeding your DH? 😂
Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. Just try and calm everything down now, as it appears to have escalated very quickly. Baby will be fine, just don’t let her look after him again. She sounds like she can’t take criticism and certainly can’t follow instructions. Your DH comes out worst in this situation! What a dipstick.

OP your 'D'P is abusive. Your posting history is really concerning. You need to leave him for your own sanity, and your sons. He's not bringing anything to your relationship, drinking and putting you into debt. You'd be so much better off without him and his nutter of a mother. If people show you who they are, believe them. He's shown you he's a useless piece of shit.

@Igneo

If you know your approaches to parenting are so polar, i’m failing to understand why you left him with mil overnight at such a young age frankly.

Kind of agree with this. If you feel so strongly about certain issues you should have made an agreement prior to the arrangement on the dos and don'ts or just do the easiest thing and look after your own child, then you know it's how you want. Sounds lovely to have a break at 4 months old overnight but honestly, my oldest is 2 1/2 now and I still wouldn't dream of letting her sleep out. I like things done my own way and routine.

Your not out of order, I’ve recently had a baby & if someone did this to my baby I’d be furious. She’s not suicidal, she’s emotionally abusing you. She should have said, “im sorry, I misunderstood your parenting style, it won’t happen again” you’ve every right to be angry. Keep your baby with you & do what’s best for the both of you. As for your partner, I’ve been in a similar situation & this will eat away at you, he doesn’t even have to take sides he can support you both without taking sides. It’s not a good sign but it strongly suggestions he’s been subjected to her emotional abuse all his life. Unfortunately those traits can continue in families

I doubt if op didnt leave him before from her previous thread she would even contemplate doing it now.

Think people are better of giving her coping devices rather than an exit strategy

Poor little baby. I don't think you can be surprised that they reverted to their own parenting style, but what a shame they lied. It shows they can't be trusted, and I hope you'll remember that in future with e.g. sweets, inappropriate TV, etc. As for your DP, he needs to grow up pronto and realise that you and his baby come first now. I had a similar situation with DH early on. He came to realise where his priorities lay and is an excellent husband and father. I'm sorry your night in.the hotel was spoilt. As for your MIL - wow, what a drama queen!

You sent your baby for a sleepover at 4 months old. That’s very young, imo. You should’ve known him being left to cry was a possibility.
You were very rude to the mil.
I can’t say she’s overreacting because maybe she actually is suicidal and I don’t want to just dismiss it.

YANBU! You do not leave someone else's baby to cry! God my heart would be breaking knowing my baby was crying and thinking I wasn't coming to save him. He's the same age as yours. My mum always tells me off for picking him up when he cries. If my baby wants a cuddle he gets a fucking cuddle.

Maybe your partner is so insecure about his relationship with his mum because her love was conditional on him doing what she wanted 🤷‍♀️ sorry, not sorry.

what a terrible storm of an event.

you need mediation i think

or a break
some ground rules.
i think it is more upsetting that they didnt bring him home until 2 pm personally

That’s absolutely disgusting behaviour from them all. Your poor baby!! I wouldn’t be leaving them alone with him ever again.

Please leave him OP, he is horrible and abusive. Enlist the help of your parents and get rid.