I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

You are ALL being unreasonable
You shouldn't have left your tiny baby with someone you didn't trust to do what you wanted
MIL shouldn't have left a tiny baby to cry in 'temper'
P shouldn't have called her on speaker when you were angry
You shouldn't have yelled at her
She shouldn't be acting like a baby
Your P shouldn't be dumping you over it

Being a bit of a distance away isn't enough of a reason to not collect your child if you felt that strongly, and if you can't control yourself when you've had a drink perhaps you shouldn't drink.

At no point throughout the night, with your partner shouting out you, did you think 'actually we're not having the nice night we'd planned and I'm concerned my child isn't being cared for properly - I'm going home'?

Your DP is clearly a prick. My concern here, however, is if you split up and he gets contact, you'll have no input at all with regards to his manipulative mother.

The thing that works in your favour is that the child is very young and there's a very good chance you could refuse overnights and a judge would agree if it went to court.

Keep a record of any proof you have of their abuse and refusing to bring your child home etc.

Don't let her have him again.

Although the gesture was nice, your parenting styles are just too different. Plus he's still so young!

To be honest why on earth did you leave him in the first place if you have such differing ways of parenting!

@Comedycook

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears

This is outrageous

its also an exaggeration. No one can cry solidly for that long.

She’s overreacting, so is he and I hate to say it but so are you

Yup. It all got out of hand and now everyone's in so deep they don't know how to put it right.

If I'd been this worried about my baby I'd have gone and brought him home immediately. But I guess you didn't really think he was unsafe.

4 months is very young to leave a baby over night. Also you clearly must have known that it was a risk that she's leave the baby to cry given her parenting techniques with your partner.
Clearly she is being very over the top about it but you knew the risks and still left your child with her so you are also being unreasonable

The whole issue is quite ridiculous from all sides.And with some common sense, and less critisism, all could have been avoided.

I have to say I would not have left the baby with her in the first place, knowing her views.

I would not leave him with her again unsupervised, she sounds hysterical and untrustworthy. I can understand your loss of temper with her and I agree I would not apologise again.

As for your husband? Other people have put their views very well!

@MadamMedea

Several things going on here.

First is - is this the end for you and your partner? It would be for me. I wouldn’t continue in a relationship with someone who turned on me so viciously and confirmed I would never come before his mother no matter how awful she was being.

Second - you shouldn’t have left your son with someone you didn’t trust, and you shouldn’t let this happen again.

Third - your MIL is a drama llama. Stop feeding into this by shouting at her and then apologising multiple times. There’s no reason why you need to have any direct contact with her at all if she’s going to behave like that.

This.

No one has covered themselves in glory in this situation. Huge overreactions aplenty.

But your DP's family don't respect you and given what he said I don't think this relationship sounds as if it is salvageable (it wouldn't be for me).

How long have you been together? Do you have other DCs?

Ahh, this is so tough. But you are not being unreasonable. You are the mum here and your partner should have made that clear.
You are now the most important mum in his life if you get what I mean. So he needs to step up and start supporting you.

Embarrassing all round. (Save for the baby who is probably totally fine)

Sorry but your DH utterly pathetic.He will never put you or your child before his precious mother. Save your dignity and leave him. I speak from experience and men who are like this won’t ever change. I find it hilarious at how angry they all got because the old bat shed a few tears. She deserved it after she left your 4 month old baby to cry all on his own for god knows how long. What a horrible manipulative piece of work she is. She knows exactly how to play your DH doesn’t she.

His mum will always come before you

Ding ding ding ding

You have yourself a big fat mummy's boy. This will really fuck up your relationship.

And good for you for standing up to her. I bet it took her by surprise and it certainly sounds she’s got too used to having things her own way.

I've got a MIL exactly the same! I was the "daughter she never had" but as soon as my DC arrived, boundaries were not respected, everything was my fault etc etc. She used to play mind games, and played the victim card many times. Me and DH have been estranged for 2.5 years and counting. He saw through her finally after many many years of manipulative behaviour from her. She was like that when he was young. She won't change. I doubt your MIL will.

What a lot of drama all round.

No I don’t agree with leaving a baby to cry but screaming down the phone after the incident when the baby was obviously asleep and absolutely fine doesn’t cover you in glory I’m afraid.

She overreacted, but tbh I’m undecided re your partner. On the face of it he was overreacting, but if you have a history of screaming and shouting and reacting like that to people then it’s possible that he’d just had enough of it all. From his perspective he has a mother who overreacts to things, and now a partner who does the same, except they’re not the same things, so inevitably his partner and mother clash, and he’s caught in the middle.

I’d leave if my partner said his mother can’t before me and a child.

@mathanxiety

I would be packing your DP's bags tbh.

He has told you who he is. He doesn't have a different approach to parenting from his parents. He has no feelings of his own, and no thoughts. He bends with the wind. Except when it comes to his mother.

Tell him he can go back to her.

Not bringing back YOUR baby when you asked for him is bordering criminal. You are dealing with a seriously messed up woman, and her husband and your DP are enablers.

This.

Your partner is a nasty piece of work who turned on you and has told you the truth.

Now you know OP.

His mother is a hysterical, batshit harridan and she wouldn't be anywhere near my child anytime soon.

Have you anywhere to go?

Pack your bags and go.

I feel very very sorry for you but IMO your relationship is over and will not recover from this.

Your poor woman.
Reach out for support.
Do you have family to support you?

Everyone involved here has behaved badly

Yup agree with above....also sad to see men getting slagged off again for loving their mums, Christ women are so controlling.

@Bearnecessity

What? You think it's ok for a man to tell his partner and mother of his child that she will never come before his mother?

[quote MyothercarisaCozyCoupe]@Bearnecessity

What? You think it's ok for a man to tell his partner and mother of his child that she will never come before his mother? [/quote]
She’s probably the mil 😂