I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

Your boyfriend is useless. He told you that he will prioritise his shitty mother over you, and his kid. What will you do, knowing this?

* me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. *

That night away must have been really important to you!

"their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing.."

It certainly worked, didn't it! She's still the boss of him. What an absolute malignant psycho.

MIL sounds like a manipulative bitch. She does something wrong and isntead of apologising, turns things around to make herself the victim.

Has your DP apologised to you? He seriously needs to grow up and cut the apron strings.

Op, I just saw your other threads about your partner. He sounds abusive and you sound dreadfully unhappy. Have you thought any more about leaving him?

@Briony123

Bit of a mad story! MIL doesn't take criticism too well, does she? I'd just ignore it and let it blow over. Nothing else you can do. The baby will be fine.

This. You weren't there or even the one who got tills directly so how could you shout at her over something you don't know about? Having said thqt, MIL way over reacted.

Oh Christ what a mess. So something that should have been a lovely relaxing time has turned into an absolute nightmare.

I don't believe in cry it out either. It doesn't work. If the baby is crying it's usually for a reason.

You def have a partner issue too. Sounds like he's not cut the apron strings.

What you going to do?

Well Now she knows how your baby felt. Please stop apologising!

@mathanxiety

I would be packing your DP's bags tbh.

He has told you who he is. He doesn't have a different approach to parenting from his parents. He has no feelings of his own, and no thoughts. He bends with the wind. Except when it comes to his mother.

Tell him he can go back to her.

Not bringing back YOUR baby when you asked for him is bordering criminal. You are dealing with a seriously messed up woman, and her husband and your DP are enablers.

This. But unfortunately OP sounds young and will bend over backwards to keep her little family together and placing herself firmly on the bottom rung of the ladder.

Pils will never forget this and OP will pay handsomely for it for a very long time

@MyothercarisaCozyCoupe

Op, I just saw your other threads about your partner. He sounds abusive and you sound dreadfully unhappy. Have you thought any more about leaving him?

Me too Can’t believe op wanted to go away with him

Tbh you all sound ridiculous.

You burst out crying after hearing your baby had a cry but was then sleeping????

You then shouted down the phone at her???

She's now hysterical and crying???

Fucking bizarre behaviour. From everyone.

But yes, agree with others, stop apologising to your DH. You should only have tovsay sorry for the shouting, which you did. Stop pandering to him.

Your partner pisses away all your money (literally) on drink and seems like a general arsehole, so no, you're not being unreasonable. You'd be better off on your own with a maintenance payment.

Why are some people so mean to the op. Her partner/husband had said he did not agree with leaving a baby to cry it out. Always the woman/mum gets the blame so much for women sticking together. Her partner/husband has not backed her up and she had to leave her own house so they could drop her baby off. That family all sound batshit crazy. If he has behaved like this in the past then I would be talking to a good friend/counsellor as sounds like a long road ahead.

LTB .... you don't have any other options as I see it.

Wow!!

your mil left your baby to 'cry it out' even after you and your dp asking her not to.
Your mil then gaslights you about what happened
Your dp said his mum comes before you, gas lights you also and verbally insults you.
Your pil them refuse to bring your dc home until you go out!

That would be the last time my pil look after my dc and I'd be taking a very close look at my relationship with my dp

I’d end the relationship over this, he doesn’t respect you and they are all manipulating the situation.

You've had advice to contact Women's Aid on your other thread because of your DP's behaviour. What's on this thread is a side show compared to that.

You need to leave your DP. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Is he on the birth certificate?

HIPPO, everyone seems to be over reacting a little but there seems to be some irony in her crying and acting like this because shes upset dispite it being caused by her thinking its ok to leave a child to cry because theyre upset.

Wow what a drama.
What a manipulating mother in law you have - she brought her son up with this behaviour too so she knows how to manipulate him.
Your husband is an over grown toddler.
You MIL maybe kept your child on purpose - to punish you.
You already knew what they were like when you sent your baby over to them.
I hope you aren’t going to send your baby to them.
I think the MIL will emotionally damage your child going forward.
You husband needs better boundaries. Did you see how he turned on you when mummy cried. What a wet fish.
Good luck if you stay - you are going to need it.
I hope your family is healthier.

Did you actually ask her not to leave him to cry prior to leaving her with him? And do you know how long she left him crying for?

Depending on the answers to those questions, I think you have been a bit unreasonable actually. If you didn't explicitly say that you didn't want her to do that, then I think shouting "how dare you" down the phone was too far. I think that would be quite extreme in any circumstance other than her leaving him to cry for a very long time. It's not clear how long it was here.

Your MIL and partner are also being unreasonable here, for all the reasons others have said. But I think you've been potentially quite unreasonable too.

You need to get tough on your partner! He said his mum will always come before you? Fuck that for a game of soilders, pack his stuff and send him back to mummy dearest! Tell him you're hurt and angry and you can't be around him right now and put some space between you.

I'd also be pissed off if someone left my child to cry it out as its not how I do things. Your MIL sounds manipulative and your husband sounds like he's been worn down by her over the years and he's stuck in the FOG

I couldn't stay with a many who turned on me in this manner. What a fucking spineless coward. You will always be second to his mother; he doesn't have your back, he has hers.

You told them at 7am that you wanted your baby back and they purposely punished you by not bringing him back until the afternoon - that’s what it sounds like to me. I’d have been to get him like a shot!

YABU leaving such a young baby with them, especially knowing what they’re like. But the rest of it is them and your partner. I wouldn’t leave baby with them again and I’d be thinking hard if I wanted to stay with someone who didn’t support me or his child.

So your baby was tired, he cried for a bit and then went to sleep by himself!

I think you should be thanking your mother in law.