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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

434 replies

Anon199000000 · 06/10/2021 16:03

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 06/10/2021 22:07

@Sprogonthetyne

Well if she's crying so much it's probably just a temper, has anyone tried locking her in a room, alone until she's cried so much she passes out with exhortation?

Why ever not? It was good enough for her grandson!

good idea.
Silverswirl · 06/10/2021 22:13

You are all over reacting.
She shouldn’t have done that but as others have said, I would just have not let them look after my baby alone again.
You shouldn’t have yelled and she is being way over the top with crying all night and then the latest comments.
The only thing I was thinking though was when you said this might be the end of you and your DH, if that was the case, wouldn’t he just move back with his mum and then his mum would be looking after your DS half the time?

TaRaLa · 06/10/2021 22:14

I think the fact your partner said his mum comes before you says it all really, that would be the end for me.

HappyMeal564 · 06/10/2021 22:17

It all sounds very dramatic. Don't leave the baby with them again. I know you said it was an expensive hotel and taxis were too expensive but why didn't you go get your baby the next morning when they didn't drop him back?

FictionalCharacter · 06/10/2021 22:17

@Comedycook

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears

This is outrageous

Yep. I'd never leave him with them again.
Pinkprawns · 06/10/2021 22:22

You're all as bad as each other, I'd call a truce! 😂

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 06/10/2021 22:23

YANBU. You don't have to apologise to her at all.

But I do think you need to consider leaving. "My mum will always come before you" is a fucking deal breaker and a half. He is behaving disgustingly to you and you haven't even done anything wrong! He has and his beloved mummy has.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 06/10/2021 22:29

OP I have seen your other threads. You need to leave this man. I hope you are safe Flowers

buckeejit · 06/10/2021 22:34

Other threads doesn't sound good. If this isn't a one off incident with dh, you need to leave. Even if it was a one off, I think I'd leave. At the very least you should get counselling. Never be sorry to anyone for putting your child first.

MouseholeCat · 06/10/2021 22:35

It's unclear in your OP and follow ups, but it sounds like this could all have been avoided by having an assertive conversation up front about how you manage sleeping and beingexplicity clear that you did not want your baby left to cry.

Having said that, the whole dynamic here sounds really dysfunctional. It sounds like your DP fobbed off your concerns despite evidence to the contrary, which is either weak or manipulative behavior on his part. Your MIL sounds emotionally manipulative in her reaction (mainly the suicidal part). Then your DP turned on you in a really aggressive way, despite allegedly sharing your parenting opinions.

Do you honestly want to be tied to this family?!

nugget396 · 06/10/2021 22:37

@Bettyboopawoop “a rod for your own back” is absolute nonsense. Join us in 2021 will you..

WhatAShilohPitt · 06/10/2021 22:38

She’s doing a lovely job of telling the truth and then when you don’t like it, turning on the waterworks and twisting it all to make everyone turn on you. Nasty manipulative woman. Not sure what to say about your partner but that comment about his mother coming first - not you or his child - is deeply unpleasant.

SarahBennettAdvice · 06/10/2021 22:39

Golly, what a lot of kerfuffle

nugget396 · 06/10/2021 22:41

@underneaththeash

So your baby was tired, he cried for a bit and then went to sleep by himself!

I think you should be thanking your mother in law.

Clearly you misunderstand @underneaththeashHmm
TheLongDrop · 06/10/2021 22:42

Genuinely suicidal people won't threaten in that way.

She's got big issues on being called out on something.

I'd agree that your issues are partner and MIL based.

Good luck. Hope it blows over though I'd imagine you won't be using her to sit again.

Wondering if she offered on the basis of know she'd do this. Sadistically.

Rainbowheart1 · 06/10/2021 22:47

YABU for saying sorry about shouting at her. She is lucky I’m not her daughter in law, I would fly off the handle if someone left my baby to cry like that after I’d specifically told them not too. That’s betrayal.

Leave your DH, his mother comes before his own son.

nugget396 · 06/10/2021 22:51

@Belsizepark

Wow you totally overreacted. Why on earth did you leave your baby with them if you knew they held child rearing views that you don’t agree with.

You all sound as over dramatic as each other to be honest.

Dear god try reading the full thread.
boon · 06/10/2021 22:51

This whole thing is so over dramatic! Seriously! Weren't the in laws doing you a favour by giving you a night to yourselves? Letting your baby cry for a bit at bedtime won't have killed him! Why were you so upset and angry. Your total over reaction has now caused a whole load of grief with the in laws and your husband. I always accepted that although we had our ways of looking after our babies my parents or in laws might do things differently and that was ok. Its so not the end of the world.

boon · 06/10/2021 22:54

@Aspiringmatriarch

I don't think you can dictate how a grandparent interacts with your child really - obviously beyond really big things or specific needs like medication. For you the crying it out felt like a huge thing (and I can understand that, I don't like it either and definitely not at four months) but for your MIL and many other people it's pretty normal parenting.

If you didn't want her to do what you already knew she'd done with your husband as a baby, surely you needed to have that conversation with her directly? Four months is pretty young to leave your child overnight but if you're comfortable with that you can't really then get irate about a difference in approach.

Your husband sounds very unsupportive in what he said and your MIL is being manipulative now, but in the original scenario you were 100% in the wrong IMO. Unless you told her your feelings and specifically asked her not to do that, and she agreed? People have totally different ideas about CIO and her approach is old-fashioned but she wouldn't have been done it to be deliberately unkind.

Anyway, I'd leave it for a bit and then try and offer an olive branch. Just blame hormones and sleep deprivation and try to move on.

I totally agree with this.
boon · 06/10/2021 22:55

@Pinkprawns

You're all as bad as each other, I'd call a truce! 😂
🤣🤣🤣
Member869894 · 06/10/2021 22:57

Massive overreactions on both your parts

FlorenciaFlora · 06/10/2021 23:02

It’s the mummies boy that is dramatic.

He’s the one kicking off.
He agreed with op then agreed with mummie.
He’s the one who wanted op to phone mummie.
He’s the one that put mummie on loudspeaker.
He’s the one screaming and shouting and threatening to leave.

he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t answered

Because he wants more drama.

He’s probably spent his life supplying his mommie with various dramas.

The op is being used as a scapegoat by this dysfunctional bunch.

whynotwhatknot · 06/10/2021 23:04

The op is being abused tr5y reading her other thread-pleae leave him op

scatteredglitter · 06/10/2021 23:10

Sounds to me
Like your partners and in law are trying to break you!
This whole
Scenario will make sure you never cross or disagree with how they grandparent your child ever again won't it ? ! That showed you !lright there !

I wouldn't bow to that martyr and emotional blackmail behaviour.
Stick to facts. You asked them not to leave your child cry it out, they told you they did then changed the story.
Your partner is not supporting uou.
I think I would have a clear conversation with your partner about his role and behaviour in all of this too and where his loyalties lie.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 06/10/2021 23:10

Christ, just read your other threads! How are you still with him? Ugh!