I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

Is this the alcoholic unemployed financially abusive possibly cheating partner who nags you for sex soon after birth OP?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4330729-My-partner-said-he-was-seeing-someone-else-and-then-said-he-wasn-t

You're only 23. Don't spend your life with this toerag.

Tbh I don't think you should have left him with your MIL if you disagree with her aporoach. It's not the end if the world...he slept. He won't be scared for life.

When you send your young baby to spend the night elsewhere, they are not going to parent your baby the same way you do. You overreacted shouting at her, she overreacted saying she's got nothing to live for. Your partner should be on your side, not his mum's. I don't agree with leaving a baby to scream, but if they're just whimpering or grizzling for a few minutes, it's how they learn to self settle. It's hard to know what exactly went on, but don't leave your baby with anyone for a while because you probably weren't ready.

Your DH and MiL are out of order ramping up the drama so much but seriously, the baby will be fine if left to cry it out. You had a nice night out and didn’t have to listen to him cry so it’s really not an issue. I can’t believe you actually shouted at your MIL !

Hell no. What a gaslighting family they are. Get your baby, never allow them to have him over night and let your partner go back to his mum if she's such a priority. Focus on the child. The adults can look after themselves.

Plus no wonder she thinks tears are just manipulation!

Op, I have read your other threads and I realise your reaction was probably less about baby being left to cry (checked every 10 minutes) and more about everything you've been through with this man. His mother's reaction doesn't even matter. What you need is to start putting together the resources and courage to leave him. You will be doing yourself a massive favour. You are only 23 and have a whole life ahead of you. Don't waste them with this man and his family.
WomensAid and other such groups can be your starting point.
You are beautiful and amazing and have a gorgeous boy and deserve so much better

@EnidFrighten

Is this the alcoholic unemployed financially abusive possibly cheating partner who nags you for sex soon after birth OP? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4330729-My-partner-said-he-was-seeing-someone-else-and-then-said-he-wasn-t

You're only 23. Don't spend your life with this toerag.

Oh dear. That's awful.

What a massive drama over nothing. I can't understand why you spent your baby free time ringing MIL. Shouting what you did, probably means you've lost your babysitter. Your son is fine. Everyone seems to hate MIL's on here. They were looking after babies before you were born.

Oh crikey, I take my previous post back, having just read your other post. No wonder you snapped, your Partner has you run ragged. He sounds absolutely hopeless and vile. You definitely need to leave him as soon as possible. Can you go back to your family? If you have a Mum, I would confide in her today.

He said his mummy will always come before you.

Fuck that.

@ILoveJamaica

What a massive drama over nothing. I can't understand why you spent your baby free time ringing MIL. Shouting what you did, probably means you've lost your babysitter. Your son is fine. Everyone seems to hate MIL's on here. They were looking after babies before you were born.

Because they knew they didn't want their son to be left to cry and that's exactly what MIL then went to do.

I remember my mum trying to get me to leave my son to cry in his cot. She kept saying he'd go down any minute...well he didn't. He was in an absolute state and he stopped crying immediately when I picked him up.
I think she actually did feel guilty about it when she saw how he was so calm and happy to be cuddled by his mum again.
Its a simple request. Just respect it.

How's he paying for hotels when you're behind on rent?

@EerieSilence

oh, would you shut up *@anonymousanne*. Everybody has the right to have a little break. They were in a different city, not on a different planet for a night. OP, you have a major issue on your hands if your partner tells you you will always come second. Have a look at your options and leave, that's the only way you and your son will be happy. I wish you the best of luck.

@EerieSilence no I will not shut up! She clearly said in the OP that she knew her MIL had a different opinion on how to parent and disregarded her parenting style. It was all likely to come to head wasn't it? You can have a break if you really need to without going too far 🤷🏼‍♀️ if the baby had become distressed and not settled what was the plan if they were too far away to collect the baby? I'd build up slowly to a night away, that's my opinion, on a public forum, like it or not I'm not fussed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just read your other threads.

Why are you even still with that waste of space?!

Get out now, run and never look back!

This is so sad. It totally changes my view on this situation. It sounds like you are being manipulated my him and his family. You need to leave.

@anonymousanne

Totally agree
I wouldn’t leave my primary children let alone a 4 month old with someone that I had a “very different” approach to parenting with

Ffs move to your parents take the baby and let him fight you in court - seeing your previous posts your partner is an abusive asshole as is his mother

OP i hope you find the strength and courage to leave your abusive partner. Your previous posts convey your unhappiness and fear. Is there somebody in RL that can help you? Please let us know you are OK. Best wishes to you and your baby xxx

OP this is all a distraction from the main issue that is clear in other threads.

You need to leave your partner.

He is a problem drinker, a cheat, a shit dad, financially abusive, sexually coercive and cruel, controlling, emotionally abusive and violent.

Stop worrying about your son having cried for some time on this specific occasion and focus on the damage that is being done to him by living in this environment.

Growing up in a shouty, angry home with a drunk dad who punches walls, slams doors and calls his mum names is so unbelievably damaging and the longer you live under the same roof the worse that damage will be.

This incident is a red herring in the grand scheme of things. You're in an abusive relationship. You need to call womens aid and start planning a safe strategy to leave this arsehole.

@TheOrigRights

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I came back to apologise for this post, but see it has been deleted by MNHQ.

I was being mean and I apologise.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

OP this is all a distraction from the main issue that is clear in other threads.

You need to leave your partner.

He is a problem drinker, a cheat, a shit dad, financially abusive, sexually coercive and cruel, controlling, emotionally abusive and violent.

Stop worrying about your son having cried for some time on this specific occasion and focus on the damage that is being done to him by living in this environment.

Growing up in a shouty, angry home with a drunk dad who punches walls, slams doors and calls his mum names is so unbelievably damaging and the longer you live under the same roof the worse that damage will be.

This incident is a red herring in the grand scheme of things. You're in an abusive relationship. You need to call womens aid and start planning a safe strategy to leave this arsehole.

Yes. This.

Op leave him!!

She is unreasonable and you know it both for ignoring your request for no cc and for the suicidal drama.

Your dh will have been trained his whole life by his parents to be like this, I'd be sympathetic to him until he said his mother will always come above you.

You need to chat with him and say you two had agreed as parents what you wanted for your ds and she should stick with it. You are not wrong. Babies do not have tempers and any one who thought they did and treated them like that wouldnt be looking after them again.

The not bringing him back on-time unforgivable. They're fools because they're sabotaging their relationship with you their ds and dgs.

Your dh needs to back you though not them.

You and your partner were hardly being responsible by drinking and making yourself unavailable to your child if he needed you. What would have happened if your son hadn’t settled and your in-laws needed you to collect him.
From the sound of it your MIL was doing controlled crying which is recommended by many professionals.
Did you ask her not to let him cry beforehand?

@GinIronic

She’s not suicidal- she’s being manipulative. Don’t ask her to care for or babysit your child ever again. You also need to take a long hard at your partner. He sounds weak and unsupportive. A most unattractive trait. No more apologies. It’s not you - it’s them.

Absolutely this