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Original poster

I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

434 replies

Anon199000000 · 06/10/2021 16:03

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
YearsSinceISawYou · 06/10/2021 23:18

Read some of your other thread.

Pick up your self respect, pick up your bag, pick up your baby.

Open the front door, close it behind you, put one foot in front of the other and walk to your parents.

Do not communicate with him. If he has something to say, he can say it to your parents.

Do not believe one word that comes out of his mouth.

If you stay around, you could end up one of the ever increasing domestic murder victims.

Don't do

mathanxiety · 06/10/2021 23:21

Siriisatwat Wed 06-Oct-21 19:50:50

@Anon199000000

You are NOT trapped. I know it feels like you are. You aren’t.

There are organisations that will help you leave and help you claim benefits to get on your feet.

JessCat75 · 06/10/2021 23:27

You all sound like you overreacted and extremely hard work, especially your DH.

DancyNancy · 06/10/2021 23:28

This is so ironic!! Do exactly what she did to your baby and her son and check on her intermittently while she's but don't pay much heed.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/10/2021 23:37

"He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me"

Leave him. Or send him back to his batshit parents. This man is not fit to be a partner or a father.

BatshitBanshee · 06/10/2021 23:38

Personally, I'd walk and leave her son to cry, see how she likes it. Outrageous behaviour from that witch. FIL & your partner are clearly used to pandering to her.

If she had left my child to cry like that she'd be getting more than one shouting at from me.

2Two · 06/10/2021 23:46

Why are you still with this arsehole? You've been making it clear on here since May that he has no redeeming features.

Lockeddownagain · 06/10/2021 23:49

Why did uou leave you son at 4montha I'd you didn't want him left to cry. I didn't leave my daughter till she was 8 years old cos nights with babies and kids the don't sleep are crazy

olidora63 · 06/10/2021 23:52

HNRTHT …partner needs to be more supportive and you have to take a certain amount of responsibility for shouting at MIL ! I would never shout at anyone unless it was life threatening!

SkiingIsHeaven · 07/10/2021 00:12

Let her cry it out like she made your baby.

HyacynthBucket · 07/10/2021 00:15

You poor thing OP. YANBU about the baby and MIl, not in the slightest, but they are not really the biggest problem here. The real issue is that your DH said you would always come second to his mother. You surely cannot live in that situation.
If he has not grown up enough to separate himself as a man from his mother, then he is not mature enough to have had a baby with you. This would be dealbreaker for me.
To start off with, get away for a week or so with your baby to your own parents if possible. That will give you and your DH time to think .Particularly you, as you need to plan a future that does not include a man who cannot put you and baby first. It is outrageous that he said you would come second to his mother. Please don't accept that.

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 07/10/2021 00:28

Oh damn. I commented on OP’s thread in August and didn’t realize it was the same “anon”. OP- he’s said and done much worse than this argument. He’s horrifically abusive; it isn’t going to get better.

We told you then, and I stand by it - do not worry about money, babies DO NOT need much (Finland gives new parents a box that costs £140 and that covers everything, and even serves as a cot and they have incredibly low infant death rates); just make an appointment with your GP, take baby with you, and when you go, stuff as much as you can in your purse and baby’s nappy bag. Maybe try to take an “extra” shopping bag that you say you have to drop at your mum’s or some excuse for taking an extra bag, even if it’s just a bag for life; that’s still extra room for some knickers, bras, change of clothes, jewelry, keepsakes, important papers. This man is increasingly violent (punching the wall to the point of breaking his hand, drinking constantly, taking your card to take your money, leaving you to pay bills you can barely afford). Remember: first they punch near you, then they punch you. Take your baby and get out. Your MIL and that whole argument is such a tiny red herring.

For others who don’t know:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4330729-My-partner-said-he-was-seeing-someone-else-and-then-said-he-wasn-t

Sorry for sharing OP, but it’s massively relevant.

AnnieSnap · 07/10/2021 01:28

@Anon199000000 I’m not surprised you were upset. Leaving your baby to cry when she knew your views on this was totally unacceptable. As for the MIL’s and husband’s behaviour, I wouldn’t indulge it for one more moment. As PPs have said, ignore the MIL and tell your husband that he is being ridiculous and has his priorities all wrong. Then leave him to come to his senses if he can.

Balonzette · 07/10/2021 03:55

I never let my children cry themselves to sleep, I think it's barbaric, so I'm with you there.

But your MIL did you a favour, and while she SHOULD have listened to your desires, you shouldn't have yelled at her. That was really not on. I always say that just because you're sorry, doesnt mean that the other person isn't hurt anymore. The upset doesnt just vanish because the person who upset you said the word "sorry". So maybe she's just really shaken at being yelled at and needs some time to calm down.

You are being a little pfb and your child won't be traumatised by being left to cry for literally one night. People do it every night (which again, I think is awful, but the kids seem to turn out fine anyway!).

Blessex · 07/10/2021 04:13

Why did you leave him with them if you have such strong ideas?

TrishM80 · 07/10/2021 04:21

Oh no, the baby was left cry himself to sleep, what a disaster.

Get a grip, OP.

twoandeights · 07/10/2021 04:29

Read your other thread OP.
Pick up your baby and go to family. This bloke is no good. His family are no good. Get out. Rebuild your life with your families help

Blessex · 07/10/2021 04:31

Ah have read your other thread. Question is why you are still with this man?

Crazycatlady83 · 07/10/2021 04:35

Leave MIL to cry, she seems to think it works for the baby .....

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 04:48

Imagine maliciously hanging to a 4 month old baby for more than half of the following day to punish its mother- Thats pretty nasty behaviour. I think it would be a long time before my baby saw their parents in law again. Nor would I apologise, mil can practice crying it out.
You really do have a partner problem though. Look after your baby, consider a few days with your parents to think. Tell him if he meant that his mother will always come first then there’s no point talking really, it’s nothing like the relationship he had promised after all. And why is it ok for his mum to leave your baby to cry but his mum crying is terrible? This just makes you feel worse for your baby.

timeisnotaline · 07/10/2021 04:49

Oh read the other thread. Don’t bother talking to your partner. Leave him. He’s a dead weight and you’re better without him.

Silvetmoon · 07/10/2021 04:57

I said MIL was too upset apparently so FIL never dropped son off until 2 o clock which I was angry about as well but again, didn’t want to keep argument going due to partner shouting at me all night.

I would never ever leave my child with them again, my god.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/10/2021 05:08

You are all being ridiculous. Except the baby. Jesus, you and your partner need to buckle up because this is the easy part of parenting.

midsummabreak · 07/10/2021 05:21

Do you know any parents with young children who would like to trial taking turns to babysit

Awalkintime · 07/10/2021 05:59

If it's ok for your baby to be left crying then it is ok for MIL to be left crying. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.