I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

[Anon199000000]

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

@Anon199000000

I offered first thing in morning to collect him even though they had initially offered to drop him off because of this and because I didn’t want to wait to see son I wanted him back ASAP . FIL said they were just getting up and would be over soon. I’m presuming They didn’t want me over at house as MIL was upset and They didn’t want to come to ours as they didn’t want to see me. Partner refused to go to theirs as he couldn’t be bothered but FIL knew I was going out in afternoon so I’m presuming that’s why he waited until 2 to bring son home but that could maybe be coincidence..I don’t know.

This is more confusing and concerning to me than the OP. Why did you and DH think it wise to go to another city on the first night you left your 4 month old?? You should have stayed local if you really felt you needed the break. Why did you not just go and collect your son in the morning, or when it became apparent that they we not bringing him? How did you still go out and see your friend in the afternoon, given you had not clapped eyes on your son all night/day and was distressed with the way he had been looked after? And how in gods name could your partner not be 'bothered' to go and collect his tiny baby and bring him home!!???

You need to end your relationship. He's an abusive and horrible man.

on seeing your other thread why havent you left him yet-hes a horrible abusive man taking you away for one night doesnt change that

Your partner has told you he doesn't want to be with you because you upset his mum? Personally I'd take him up on that and start looking at separating. If he's going to going to dangle the threat of splitting up over you like that he thinks he's got all the power here. He will continue to dangle it over you for every little disagreement.

What your mil did was damaging to your child and there is a lot of scientific evidence to back it up. Babies up to the age of two cry to communicate, they don't cry to be naughty. If those fries aren't answered it can create negative neurological pathways in the brain, which are permanent, leading to anxiety in later life.

No health professional would ever advise leaving a baby to cry.

Regardless of this, you specifically asked her not to and she continued to parent her way. She should owe you a huge apology and I wouldn't let her look after him over night again.

As for your hubby he should have your back- or at the very least explain to your mom clearly the situation. He hasn't.

It's funny, my mil has the same views as yours but probably worse (think soap in mouth for sweating kind of thing) she is a nightmare with advice and I constantly brush it off. But it's made me realise how I would never let my baby go there over night as she just doesn't get it. She is her own worst enemy.

Now back to you, you bowed to pressure and apologised which appeases her but doesn't sort the situation out at all- it will happen again if you don't lay down the law to both husband and mil.

I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us

You’re right.

This
He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her
is the end of your marriage. You can have four hundred more fights about it, on every single holiday, and every time she’s around your children or every time she takes over a celebration, and choose not to end it for 10 more years and even have another DC but you’ll look back and this will have been the beginning of the end.

IF you talk to him, and he’s willing to see that he’s now married and his wife and child need to come before his mother OR he’s willing to get counseling (especially if he says he realizes you come first and then you have another fight about this, because then you’re well on the road to 400), maybe there’s a sliver of hope?

But truthfully? No. I have never had a friend with a husband who said this kind of thing about his mum that didn’t eventually end (6 months, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years) with him becoming an exDH.

Sorry, as I don’t mean to be cruel.

"So it's okay for your wee baby to cry it out but MIL crying deserves special treatment? Maybe she should be left to cry it out!!"

LOVE THIS.....

eugh, what a horrible situation. I had just written long post and then noticed that @CuriousaboutSamphire had said what I was going to say. Clear the air with MIL and then sort out DH.
It sounds like MIL and DH both like to make a fuss to distract from their own bad behaviour, now you know what they're up to, you can react accordingly.
Good luck! Family life is so much fun

Read your other threads. Your P is a prick and you need to leave him. Unfortunately, he’ll be in your life for a while due to your DS. I don’t usually say this but I’d be moving as far as I could.

Your MIL can cry herself to sleep. And your DH can check in on her every 10 minutes after he's moved back home.

Don’t leave you baby with anyone until you are ready for them to treat them differently from how you would. I never left my dc when they were babies as I don’t trust anyone.

Wow you totally overreacted. Why on earth did you leave your baby with them if you knew they held child rearing views that you don’t agree with.

You all sound as over dramatic as each other to be honest.

fgs I have now just seen @SudokuWillNotSaveYou post and hadn't seen that he'd said that his mum would always come first. God that's a low blow.

Everyone is overreacting I don’t know where to start it’s like the the overreacting oscars who can overreact the most . But actually the mil is the most and saying she’s suicidal please , followed by your partner for taking her side when originally he agreed with you . Op take a breath what really happened here ? As everyone is such a drama llama it’s hard to know if anyone of this happened as you say .

This is so dangerous.
Increases the stress levels in a baby who is trying to communicate his needs in the only way he could.
Those stress levels leave permanent damage.
It's face and not opinion.
I would go no contact for someone who put a child in so much danger despite the boundaries mum and dad put in place.
Vile woman.

The 3 of you are overreacting. But your MIL and DP are being way, WAY more dramatic than you.

You, I’m sorry to say OP, started it all. You were upset, and you were not unreasonable for being upset. However, rather than just never leaving the baby with them again you went full melodrama. You can’t scream emotional things like that and not expect more drama to follow. And let’s be clear; baby was in fact asleep at this point.

However, you have recognised that you were a bit OTT and apologised (or tried to) and your MIL and DP are being utterly ridiculous. What do they want?? Blood??

Everyone needs to recognise this was a tired new mum freaking out about her baby screaming for her and they need to move the fuck on.

@B1rthis

This is so dangerous. Increases the stress levels in a baby who is trying to communicate his needs in the only way he could. Those stress levels leave permanent damage. It's face and not opinion. I would go no contact for someone who put a child in so much danger despite the boundaries mum and dad put in place. Vile woman.

As a one off incident, I don't think it's going to cause permanent damage. That's quite a leap. Decades ago, mums would put their babies in a pram at the end of the garden and get on with housework. Not saying that's ok by the way!

You all sound utterly ridiculous.

Your MIL was UR for ignoring your wishes then throwing a tantrum when called out on her behaviour. However she did not neglect or cause harm to your DS- you say yourself, she regularly checked on him despite letting him cry it out.

You were also unreasonable though, for:
A) leaving your new son for the first time, for a jolly up, so far away that you were unable to collect him case of an emergency.
B) leaving your son with family you had a feeling you couldn’t trust
C) yelling down the phone
D) not going and collecting your DS and sorting this whole sorry mess out in the morning.

Your partner sounds as though he was supportive of you until you decided to scream down the phone. I would love to hear his side of this story

As soon as he said his mum comes before you I’d of said and my baby come well before you and your mum and if he’s not happy fuck off back to mummy. Or when fil said she was crying I’d say well let her cry it out see if she likes it

right lets calm all this down ok, babys first time away from mum for the night, yeah sure he is going to cry, maybe one hell of a lot! and maybe his mum didnt leave him just to cry himself to sleep as such and tried to do all the things that either you or your partner had said to help calm him down, but still at the end of the day he screamed his lungs off, so nana rightly put him down, somewhere safe and warm and kept a close eye on him.

at about 3-4 months after giving birth the total lack of sleep and the general upheaval kicks in with any new babies in the house, your reactions where most likely based from being so overly tired.

your mum in law tho, well i know where she is coming from because around 4-6 months old babies do have the knowledge of how to get mums/nanas/anyones attn by crying, if their normal cry doesnt work then they step it up til it becomes a blood curdling cry that the neighbours would think your killing him type! perhaps you need to get him into a routine of going off to sleep in his cot, without you having to hold him, but just sit by his bed so he knows your there even if it means your quietly singing to him, dont give up it will take a week or so but he will get there in the end

ive been thr exactly the same thing with my grand kids, add to it sleeping in a strange bed in a strange room with scarey shadows and noises, what did you expect to happen? its just one of the many learning phases he will have to do, and you too. he should have been going to nanas regularly before an overnighter tho, as this would have got him more used to things and other people doing things for him

so rather than you still being annoyed at his mum, go around and see her when you know hubby is at work even if it means just taking the baby out for a walk or go for a coffee, but go back to her house and let her change his nappy, he will gain confidence from someone else doing it rather than you, but your still there in the back ground.

as for your other half, well did you know you now have 2 babies? just this older one has shown normal toddler tantrums! and has ran back to his mummy and told a pack of lies to her and to you. if he wants to be that way then just remind him you are with him as you understood he was an adult.

From reading this and your previous thread OP, I don't know why you havn't either sent him back to his precious Mother or gone back to your parents. Do your family know how he treats you?? Have you told anyone irl? Please get you and your baby away from the lot of them..

oh, would you shut up @anonymousanne. Everybody has the right to have a little break. They were in a different city, not on a different planet for a night.
OP, you have a major issue on your hands if your partner tells you you will always come second.
Have a look at your options and leave, that's the only way you and your son will be happy.
I wish you the best of luck.

OP, fo not leave your little one with your MIL never again.
Let her cry as much as she wants.
Your partner can join her. Do not try to calm him or your MIL, FIL, or any other of them.
I think this could be the end, or the beginning of the end. Your partner says that his mother is more important than you? Important enough to change the truth it seems. You cannot trust any of them, they all seem to pander to your MIL. And she is pulling all the strings!
She should have not left him to cry if she knew you do not want to do so. I would not have left him with anyone so young though, at least I had to get back to work or had to go somewhere else. I think you should keep him with you, and avoid in laws till he is old enough to speak. But the main issue is that they are all re-writting history, and making your MIL the victim here.
Put your foot down with your partner. If he is so flimsy that he changes his tune for one of her tears, I would send him back to leave with her.

@MadamMedea

Several things going on here.

First is - is this the end for you and your partner? It would be for me. I wouldn’t continue in a relationship with someone who turned on me so viciously and confirmed I would never come before his mother no matter how awful she was being.

Second - you shouldn’t have left your son with someone you didn’t trust, and you shouldn’t let this happen again.

Third - your MIL is a drama llama. Stop feeding into this by shouting at her and then apologising multiple times. There’s no reason why you need to have any direct contact with her at all if she’s going to behave like that.

All of this. I’d never have left him in the first place but you did and apart from your poor baby having had a miserable night it was probably a good thing as you now have a big decision to make.

I would leave, get some space, some perspective.

Speaking from bitter personal experience, I think you will always come second. Your life will be a series of conflict, drama, blame, worry, hurt, confusion and it will destroy the person you are.

You deserve to be cherished in your relationship. You clearly are not and neither is your child.