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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I shouted at MIL for leaving my baby to cry himself to sleep and now she is suicidal ?

434 replies

Anon199000000 · 06/10/2021 16:03

My son is 4 months old and he stayed the night at my MILs. This has been planned for weeks, prior to my son staying me and partner kept thanking MIL for offering to take our son for the night as he’s so young. MIL insisted we didn’t even need to thank her, she couldn’t wait to look after him for the night.

Now..bit of background, me and my partner have totally different views on parenting than my in laws. They often give unsolicited advice and brush off what we have to say as they say they have had two kids and know what they are doing. They have a bit of an old school approach I believe..they have often said they left my partner to cry as he had a temper as a baby and their own parents told them they needed to leave him to cry to “break him” (their own words) and show him who’s boss type thing..

Now..I never leave my son to cry. I’m really against it and so is my sons dad, which my in laws know. I was hesitant to leave my son with them because of this but my partner assured me his parents only
Did that to him as a baby and wouldn’t do that to our son.

Now Cut to Saturday night we decide to phone in laws to find out how they getting on at around 9 o clock. MIL answers and says “ he has some cry doesn’t he !!! Oh he reminds me just of you when you were a baby ! I thought that cry is just sheer temper ! So I put him in his cot and left him and checked in on him every 10 minutes and now he’s sleeping.” Me and my partner just stared at each other for a few seconds after she said this and he said “aw mum..please don’t leave him to cry” and she said “aw he’s fine ! He’s sleeping now” and I instantly burst in to tears..

I’m not being dramatic but I genuinely felt heartbroken that my little boy had been left there crying in his own..I know how upset he gets just being left crying for a few minutes while I’m at the toilet or I’m getting a bottle or
Something !

My partner wasn’t happy she had left him and decided to text his mum and ask her again please not to leave our son to cry and I was so upset. I started to feel really angry and He asked me to ohone his mum and I said no Because I will shout at her on the phone so I’m not going to speak to her the now. She then starts to phone my partner and he answers and blooming puts her on loudspeaker ! I couldn’t help myself and I shouted “don’t you dare ever leave my son to cry again !! How dare you !!” And my partner hung up the phone.

My partner then started to get messages from her and his dad saying how upset his mum was and she was in tears! He is a proper mummies boy and this immediately made him turn on me. He was shouting at me and saying things like his mum will always come before me and he can’t believe I’ve upset her and his mum is in tears etc and even that he doesn’t want to be with me he is totally finished with me ! His mum keeps messaging him that she is soo upset, in tears and then changes her tune completely and says that in fact she never left our baby to cry at all and she would never ! That he got lots of kisses and cuddles and lovely warm milk and yes he was crying but she sat with
Him the whole time stroking his head...so now my partner is even more angry at me because he has suddenly forgot what his mum said in the first place? Like what she said was pretty black and white to me..she definitely admitted to leaving him to cry ..my partner even said the same at the time and wasn’t happy either so what ?!

I’ve never argued with my in laws once and always gotten on well with them. They’ve treated me like a daughter and said numerous times I was the best thing to happen to their son and have now completely turned on me because of this I feel and I just find the whole thing crazy. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m shy and never stood up to them before so now they’re not happy..

The next day in laws were meant to drop my son off at our house but wouldn’t as his mum was still in tears apparently and his dad waited for me to go out before bringing my son home .. I tried phoning MIL twice and she never answered. I the. Messaged her apologising for shouting and thanking her for doing us a favour and she never replied..that night partner kicks off at me again. Apparently his mum had messaged him saying she is still crying and upset by everything and the next day she says she doesn’t feel she has anything to live for.. he’s telling me I need to phone her and I try explaining that I already have and she hasn’t
Answered or tried phoning back and he just gets angrier and angrier with me and says I need to keep trying.. and need to keep apologising to her.

I’m just really taken aback by the whole thing..it’s been days and my partner is still off with me and if I’m honest I can actually see this being the end of us ..I mean for godsake he thinks that ive made his mother suicidal. yes I shouldn’t have shouted at her and she was doing us a big favour but she shouldn’t have done that still and why is no one telling her she’s overreacting ! I’m just so shocked by this whole situation...please tell my I’m not being unreasonable

OP posts:
Cadent · 06/10/2021 21:03

Your partner sounds like a real knob.

Shouting at you all night, telling you his mum will always come first and sulking for days. What is there to like?!

blushmint · 06/10/2021 21:03

I'm sorry but if you knew beforehand she didn't care about leaving babies to cry as she did with your partner, why would you leave your 4 month old with her for the night?

I don't know. She's acted insane (something my mil would do) but that's why I've never let my mil babysit because I know she would go against me and it would cause aggro.

Your partner is in the wrong though for turning on you when it was pretty clear she said that, then backtracked when she realised she fucked up. So I think yanbu to your post. But don't do it again. And consider leaving him, it won't change

spongedog · 06/10/2021 21:05

Sorry you have only posted 3 posts in 6 pages. You sound hysterical. Please get a grip.

I haven't bothered to read any other posts. So perhaps I am wrong. But you trusted your baby with family who have already parented DC? ie your DP? And as far as you know they are Ok?

Please just chill. Your precious first born WILL survive different parenting. As will you.

When my mum first babysat my DC - she promised that no matter what it took she would care for my child. I trusted her in that she would do whatever she thought appropriate. We dont agree on a lot but I knew that she would do her best. Not always what I would do but equally Ok.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 21:05

Oh Jesus woman, I’ve just seen your other threads too. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing. With. This. Horrific. Loser?

You might have been willing to put up with his outrageous behaviour but please want better for your little boy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2021 21:07

But you trusted your baby with family who have already parented DC? ie your DP? And as far as you know they are Ok?

What about her partner’s behaviour makes you think he turned out okay? Hmm

Lostmarbles2021 · 06/10/2021 21:09

Pollywants

So it's okay for your wee baby to cry it out but MIL crying deserves special treatment? Maybe she should be left to cry it out!!

I hadn’t seen it from that angle but it’s a good point. MIL tears are devastation and in need of support, baby’s tears are anger and need squashing. Total double standard.

OP. Similar thing happened to us. Big family rift for a while. DH was stronger though and stood his ground - also made links to his own childhood with MIL which made things worse initially - but after some talking things settled. It’s still there as a bit of an elephant in the room but we all get on with it ok.

One night of insensitive/less attuned care won’t do any harm at all so please don’t worry about that.

Trust yourself and your instincts. DH needs to deal with MIL. You step back.

Once things are calmer may be suggest you all talk calmly about what happened and listen to each other’s views and then agree together what will happen in the future if they want to look after DC.

Good luck. It’s really common for this to happen when a new baby comes along. Especially the first in a generation. It brings up all kinds of things for parents and their parents about their own childhood and/or experience of being patented.

SnackSizeRaisin · 06/10/2021 21:09

4 months is too young for a baby to be left all night. Babies need their mothers.

Elephantsbreath9 · 06/10/2021 21:11

I think shouting at her after the fact was - at best - pointless, and - at worst - bating and unkind. But your MIL has overreacted more than you did, as has your DP.

I guess you’ve learned your lesson not to leave your son with people you don’t really trust.

Your MIL and your partner sound like hard work, OP. I don’t know what to suggest there.

Good luck though.

marykitty · 06/10/2021 21:11

This is all too much

appleturnovers · 06/10/2021 21:12

So in their book, it’s ok to leave a tiny baby crying it’s eyes out on its own without comfort for ages, but GOD FORBID you upset a fully grown woman.

As for your husband, if his mother comes before his child then what even is the point of him? Seriously? As a husband or as a father?

Offmyfence · 06/10/2021 21:13

@Igneo

If you know your approaches to parenting are so polar, i’m failing to understand why you left him with mil overnight at such a young age frankly.
WTF?
Lady1576 · 06/10/2021 21:14

The responses here are so British! The worst thing OP could do was shout! How ahem unreasonable of you…. I do hope no one spilled any tea! That high ground of politeness is very very important isn’t it. Be genuinely horrified but don’t ever show it! On the other hand, I’m surprised you left a 4 month old with pils with different ideas to you. I wouldn’t leave my 18month old overnight with my parents even though they love him and are wonderful with him. I wouldn’t expect them to get up for him every 2/3 hours like I would and I’d know that he wouldn’t be comfortable there overnight yet even though he absolutely adores them. So YABU in that sense. I’m with the dramatic apology to mil and sort out issues with dh when you’ve all calmed down brigade. I’m still struggling to separate from my parents so I slightly empathise with him, whilst knowing that’s wrong and I hope I’d never say or mean what he said, but perhaps if he can see the error of his ways, and understand he has to deal with this fundamental problem he has, then you can move on.

FrozenoutofCostco · 06/10/2021 21:16

@Anon199000000 Wow. This is the most textbook case of gaslighting I've ever read or heard of. Get your baby and RUN.

The absolute AUDACITY of that man to shout at you because his mum was crying when you're there in floods of tears??? When it's his mum who has just emotionally neglected your son whilst supposedly looking after him??? Sickening doesn't even come close....

gah2teenagers · 06/10/2021 21:16

@Georgewontsleepnow

Your MIL can cry herself to sleep. And your DH can check in on her every 10 minutes after he's moved back home.
Hahaha. This.
Why2why · 06/10/2021 21:18

Shouting what you shouted at an adult woman in front of her son wasn’t a great idea.

Do you think it is acceptable to behave the way you did to your MIL, if she had done this to you, one can only imagine what mumsnet would have said.

The whole thing sounds dramatic and too much stress for all involved. Too much primal Donna stuff going on.

FrozenoutofCostco · 06/10/2021 21:18

@Lady1576

The responses here are so British! The worst thing OP could do was shout! How ahem unreasonable of you…. I do hope no one spilled any tea! That high ground of politeness is very very important isn’t it. Be genuinely horrified but don’t ever show it! On the other hand, I’m surprised you left a 4 month old with pils with different ideas to you. I wouldn’t leave my 18month old overnight with my parents even though they love him and are wonderful with him. I wouldn’t expect them to get up for him every 2/3 hours like I would and I’d know that he wouldn’t be comfortable there overnight yet even though he absolutely adores them. So YABU in that sense. I’m with the dramatic apology to mil and sort out issues with dh when you’ve all calmed down brigade. I’m still struggling to separate from my parents so I slightly empathise with him, whilst knowing that’s wrong and I hope I’d never say or mean what he said, but perhaps if he can see the error of his ways, and understand he has to deal with this fundamental problem he has, then you can move on.
Why^^ is an 18 month old child waking every 2/3 hours? They should be sleeping through the night from 6 weeks? Mine was from the very night she was born (besides 2 weeks of colic - that was heart wrenching)
bluerecruit · 06/10/2021 21:19

@Lady1576

The responses here are so British! The worst thing OP could do was shout! How ahem unreasonable of you…. I do hope no one spilled any tea! That high ground of politeness is very very important isn’t it. Be genuinely horrified but don’t ever show it! On the other hand, I’m surprised you left a 4 month old with pils with different ideas to you. I wouldn’t leave my 18month old overnight with my parents even though they love him and are wonderful with him. I wouldn’t expect them to get up for him every 2/3 hours like I would and I’d know that he wouldn’t be comfortable there overnight yet even though he absolutely adores them. So YABU in that sense. I’m with the dramatic apology to mil and sort out issues with dh when you’ve all calmed down brigade. I’m still struggling to separate from my parents so I slightly empathise with him, whilst knowing that’s wrong and I hope I’d never say or mean what he said, but perhaps if he can see the error of his ways, and understand he has to deal with this fundamental problem he has, then you can move on.
What an odd post.
freshFortunes · 06/10/2021 21:20

@Underamour

"It also worries me that a 4 month old is even staying with MIL in the first place. It’s too young did you express and store enough for a night?"

Seriously?? Of course the OP would have expressed enough milk for the night. What a stupid comment.

ThorsLeftNut · 06/10/2021 21:20

My MIL told my husband he should leave me because she’s suicidal and it’s my fault because I won’t let her have my children over night.
She’s asked since DS was 6 days old to have him twice a week. We’re a few years in now and I’ve said no because she’s not stable enough to be looking after my children.

You have a mother in law AND partner issue here, you partner back tracked on His own feelings and changed his mind.

Walkingalot · 06/10/2021 21:20

Agree with PP's - please do tell your DP to tell his DM to just cry it out!! Then deny all knowledge of saying that.

Why2why · 06/10/2021 21:22

And just because he is your partner does not mean he must join in with you or condone you insulting his mother. You are a woman, like she is and expecting her son to be okay with you verbally assaulting her is not right. Men abusing women is not okay. Women abusing other women not okay and definitely not okay if they want a man to hang up with them in their abusive approach.

MushMonster · 06/10/2021 21:24

Yes, for the shouting down the phone....
So OP refused to call her MIL at her husband's request, because she felt she could not be polite as she was emotional.
Then the idiotic husband put his mother on speaker phone, in the presence of OP.
Well....whose fault is it?

OP, apparently he drinks too much? I have read some more of your thread.
This could start to explain the situation, where he changes tunes so easily. I find that people who drink never have full recollection of what happens, what they say... and so on. They say something today, and totally forgot by tomorrow. It is not worthy the hassle.
Too much drama, and they just play up with the truth, till you doubt yourself, and that is the worst thing that can happen to you, ever! Run

Rosebel · 06/10/2021 21:25

While I do think you overreacted by shouting at MIL (especially if she was checking on him every 10 minutes so he wasn't really left alone to cry) the rest of it isn't your fault.
Your partner sounds absolutely vile. How dare he treat you so badly. I'm disgusting that he said his mum comes first he needs to grow up.
Tell him as he's so worried about his mum and she comes first he can go and live with her and not bother coming back.
Don't apologise, I wouldn't have even tried once. I just can't get over how awful your partner is, he's obviously learned it from his mum.
Keep your baby away. He doesn't need to be exposed to such toxic people.

londonrach · 06/10/2021 21:27

Yanbu. Shocked re partner and immature mil..has mil behaved like this before..is she ok... nothing else going on

Allusernamesalreadyused · 06/10/2021 21:28

Not being smart (although maybe I am) but LTB