Infidelity is abusive. AIBU?

[Infidelitydiscussion]

Given that cheating on your spouse/partner often includes gaslighting, causing emotional trauma and putting them at risk of sexually transmitted diseases - personally I would consider cheating to be abusive.

AIBU?

Oh, I absolutely agree with you. It's not just the act itself, but all the other behaviours that come with it.

I think some of the behaviours that obviously go hand in hand with infidelity are without doubt abusive but I don’t think the act in itself is abusive

Abuse is not determined by intent, it is determined by impact. When a man chooses to embark on an affair which he knows will cause significant undue suffering to his existing family I fail to see how that can be anything but abusive.

I'm definitely interested in hearing others takes on it though.

It's abusive in the sense that all relationships are abusive, both partners abuse the other to a lesser or greater extent. I've never had a relationship (that lasted) where I didn't have my personal freedom limited to some extent, nor did I not limit the freedom of my partner. That's what a relationship is, a compromise between what's best for the two individuals and what's best for the couple combined.

Oop, replace 'man' with woman wherever nessecary. I'm not trying to be sexist even though the vast majority of cheats are men

I agree, how else can you describe an action that causes so much self doubt and other emotional trauma.

@Sirzy

I think some of the behaviours that obviously go hand in hand with infidelity are without doubt abusive but I don’t think the act in itself is abusive

That's how I feel.

I don’t think the vast majority of cheats are necessarily men. I know as many women who have cheated as men if not more, while the motivations may possibly be different I don’t think one is more/less likely to cheat than the other given the opportunity.

@HarrietsChariot

It's abusive in the sense that all relationships are abusive, both partners abuse the other to a lesser or greater extent. I've never had a relationship (that lasted) where I didn't have my personal freedom limited to some extent, nor did I not limit the freedom of my partner. That's what a relationship is, a compromise between what's best for the two individuals and what's best for the couple combined.

How is compromise for mutual benefit always abusive?

@HarrietsChariot

It's abusive in the sense that all relationships are abusive, both partners abuse the other to a lesser or greater extent. I've never had a relationship (that lasted) where I didn't have my personal freedom limited to some extent, nor did I not limit the freedom of my partner. That's what a relationship is, a compromise between what's best for the two individuals and what's best for the couple combined.

It is not abuse when the partners in a relationship agree to compromise in order to benefit the relationship, but an affair that the other partner has not agreed to is abusive, as is all the lying and deceit involved.

@queenMab99

I agree, how else can you describe an action that causes so much self doubt and other emotional trauma.

You could say that about a break up.

@Infidelitydiscussion

Abuse is not determined by intent, it is determined by impact. When a man chooses to embark on an affair which he knows will cause significant undue suffering to his existing family I fail to see how that can be anything but abusive.

I'm definitely interested in hearing others takes on it though.

In all honesty when anyone decides to embark upon an affair I doubt they are thinking about anyone else. Decent people have a conscience, people who stray do not

Strong agree.

My ex-husband had an affair. I had severe post traumatic stress afterwards, needed anxiety medication because I had panic attacks and wasn’t eating or sleeping. I respect his right to end our marriage if he was not happy but this was never communicated to me until he was literally balls deep in an affair. He gaslight me for months and the deceit post his confession was completely off the charts. Our children suffered huge emotional trauma. Youngest had severe separation anxiety and eldest has struggled emotionally - it’s caused her huge self esteem issues. I was left to deal with their trauma while in a hugely fragile state myself. I still can’t talk about that period of my life without becoming emotional.

I’ve had counselling but i don’t think I will ever be able to get rid of the emotional scars it caused.

Of course it is.

No, it is not in itself, a form of abuse.

Belief that a partner is cheating is often used as a justification by abusers for DV though.

If actually having an affair is inherently abusive, then presumably we need legal protection against it. Can we really make it an offence in law?

even though the vast majority of cheats are men no that’s not true. Statistically the numbers of men and women who cheat are about the same. I know far more women who have cheated actually than men.

In terms of infidelity being abusive, I disagree. Some of the actions of infidelity i.e. gaslighting are abusive in their own right, but those actions can happen without the infidelity in the mix.

Infidelity itself is not abusive though.

If actually having an affair is inherently abusive, then presumably we need legal protection against it. Can we really make it an offence in law? how would that work though? I know at least two women who had affairs while in abusive relationships themselves. The affairs essentially gave them the courage to leave said relationships. While I don’t agree with cheating, the idea that someone might end up having an affair as a result of abuse would then surely lead to that abuse being able to continue by enabling prosecution.

Affairs aren’t always as black and white as that. Whereas gaslighting etc is.

And what kind of penalty would you want? Imprisonment? Removal of access to the children? Where would you draw the line?

My ex-husband had an affair. I had severe post traumatic stress afterwards, needed anxiety medication because I had panic attacks and wasn’t eating or sleeping. I respect his right to end our marriage if he was not happy but this was never communicated to me until he was literally balls deep in an affair. He gaslight me for months and the deceit post his confession was completely off the charts. Our children suffered huge emotional trauma. Youngest had severe separation anxiety and eldest has struggled emotionally

This mirrors my experience. I'm so sorry for what you have endured. It's soul destroying isn't it?

@HeartsAndClubs

If actually having an affair is inherently abusive, then presumably we need legal protection against it. Can we really make it an offence in law? how would that work though? I know at least two women who had affairs while in abusive relationships themselves. The affairs essentially gave them the courage to leave said relationships. While I don’t agree with cheating, the idea that someone might end up having an affair as a result of abuse would then surely lead to that abuse being able to continue by enabling prosecution.

Affairs aren’t always as black and white as that. Whereas gaslighting etc is.

And what kind of penalty would you want? Imprisonment? Removal of access to the children? Where would you draw the line?

Exactly my point. We can't have the state interfering in consensual adult sex and relationships, even if it is arguably immoral. As you say, they aren't always black and white anyway.

You can dissolve your marriage on the grounds of infidelity. I can't see how the law should be able to intervene any further than that.

Then how do you view cheating because needs in a relationship (love, attention, sex) are not met by partner because they’re deliberately withholding these/don’t care that their partner has these needs?
The best thing in this scenario would be to leave the relationship instead of cheating, but it’s not always that easy unfortunately.

Yes I would consider infidelity abusive. the definition of abuse is something cruel or violent and infidelity is cruel IMO. Agreeing to compromise on the other hand isn't abusive as it isn't cruel or violent.

There are many, many reasons why men and women have affairs, some of which I can really empathise with while not condoning the behaviour itself. I don’t think the affair is in itself abusive, though it may give rise to abusive behaviour.

I don’t doubt that affairs can cause huge hurt and distress, but I don’t think it’s abusive behaviour - not all behaviour that causes hurt is abusive.

@HeartsAndClubs

If actually having an affair is inherently abusive, then presumably we need legal protection against it. Can we really make it an offence in law? how would that work though? I know at least two women who had affairs while in abusive relationships themselves. The affairs essentially gave them the courage to leave said relationships. While I don’t agree with cheating, the idea that someone might end up having an affair as a result of abuse would then surely lead to that abuse being able to continue by enabling prosecution.

Affairs aren’t always as black and white as that. Whereas gaslighting etc is.

And what kind of penalty would you want? Imprisonment? Removal of access to the children? Where would you draw the line?

Completely agree.

Affairs are incredibly hurtful but how far do you need to trace it back to get to the root cause, which isn't always simple selfishness?

I don't deny that the betrayed partner feels trauma by any means, it's awful. But I wouldn't classify an affair to be abuse.

If you choose to do something with your own life which in turn hurts your partner, I don't think that constitutes abuse.

@LaBellina

Then how do you view cheating because needs in a relationship (love, attention, sex) are not met by partner because they’re deliberately withholding these/don’t care that their partner has these needs? The best thing in this scenario would be to leave the relationship instead of cheating, but it’s not always that easy unfortunately.

If you are in a position to be able to have an affair then you are able to leave a relationship IMO. It might not be really easy but it's certainly possible. Just because someone treats you badly doesn't mean you are entitled to potentially put them at risk of STDs for example.