To have a 10 month old baby in a nursery 5 days a week?

[Toomuchworkon]

Just been reading another thread where it’s generally agreed this is a lot / potentially too much and I’m all worried now.

Honestly, would you be judging me harshly?

So cold and unfeeling. Why have the baby at all?

I’m really curious about what sort of person genuinely thinks this is an OK thing to say to another parent. And I really question whether someone who is spiteful enough to say is fit to parent another human being.

@WeepySheepy

No one even questions it when a dad goes back to work 5 days a week after paternity leave and "misses milestones"

When we had DS me and DH worked at the same place. When i returned to work I lost count of the number of people who told me how awful it was that I'd had to return to work full time. Not one person said that to DH ....they soon shut up when I pointed that out.

I have similar Skinny. I respond "Well DH really loves his work so I could never ask him to give it up even though he earns less than me".

Of course you missed things. You were at work. It's great that you're happy with your choices but you can't pretend you didn't miss out on 40 hours per week with your child, every week if that is what you did indeed do.

Why pretend?

I'm talking about milestones. There are 168 hours in a week - I 'missed' 40 of those with my DDs. Excluding holidays, obviously. When they were at school, I used leave to attend school plays, nativities etc. - though by then schools were starting to accept the reality of working parents and accommodating that by arranging things after school hours.

So what did I miss? What did I not have that I otherwise would have had?

And when my marriage went tits up and my husband ended up dead, I was glad that I'd always worked because it meant I could provide everything my DDs needed alone.

My son went to nursery around that age and I went back to work full time, as his father. I don't get the 'too much' comment. It's not like they make him work when he's there .
It worked well for us and still does. No attachment problems, in fact the three of us are a strong unit and me and him have a very special bond. There is no confusion on the roles and never felt I missed any milestones.
We picked a small nursery, very close to home, minimal staff rotation and we just felt so loved! He absolutely adores going in and his key person. Communication is great and I know he's in great hands having a good time.
The comments about reducing hours etc well, not every job is like that. I am in middle management for a huge company, quite complex role and looking after a big team. Life-work balance is great but I can't go part time, or drop a day.

@MissChanandlerBong81

So cold and unfeeling. Why have the baby at all?

I’m really curious about what sort of person genuinely thinks this is an OK thing to say to another parent. And I really question whether someone who is spiteful enough to say is fit to parent another human being.

100x this. What a hateful thing to say - as is implying that women who don't work aren't proper mothers - or mothers at all.

The model of women staying at home to look after children is also a very recent development. Go back 100 years and you'll find a lot of 'cold and unfeeling' women - because hey, food and housing doesn't just fall out of the sky for free.

@MindyStClaire

I have similar Skinny. I respond "Well DH really loves his work so I could never ask him to give it up even though he earns less than me".

Excellent!

Why are people so invested in what other parents want or need to do?

I was a SAHM. Didn’t go back at all. Worked for us. Know lots of people who worked and used nurseries and wrap around care. Worked for them.

No-one else’s business.

Ignore mumsnet OP on this point. What suits you as a family will not suits others.

I think if you have no other choice financially then absolutely fine. As long as your child has a secure attachment with other adults (nursery workers) then they will be absolutely fine. The main carer does not need to be mother or father for child to thrive. They will be very happy and return home very happy to see mum and dad.

I would not judge you negatively at all.

I didn't put mine in nursery when they were babies but I couldn't care less what other people do! All that matters is that it works for your family and it isn't anyone else's business.

Whats the point of having kids if you put them in a nursery 5 days a week?

Mine went full time with a nanny at 3 months. She's fine, I'm fine, we love our nanny and I try not to listen the white noise of other judgemental mums.

FWIW she is thriving and we love our little team. You do what you have to do in order to survive.

@JizzyJane

Whats the point of having kids if you put them in a nursery 5 days a week?

That's a really outdated view.

Unfortunately the workplace hasn't adapted to allow for the fact that most families require both parents to work in order to survive. When my mother and father had us- my mother was able to work nights in order to be there for us during the day. I cannot begin to imagine how shattered she must've been parenting us after a night shift!

Everyone is different and has their own journey

In my case - a career where I cannot take a longer break (I am pushing hard for change - but we need a government led overhaul of approach to truly allow for equality)
but I very much wanted to be a mother.

We compromised and took three months out and then went back full time.

I try not to judge others, you never know the reasons behind why people have chosen to do what they do

I did. I had to. Mine went from 8 months. I had no guilt whatsoever and my children don’t remember it at all. They are just as sociable and well-adjusted and close to me as the child who didn’t go to nursery at all.

I refuse to be made to feel like a bad parent because I wasn’t there 24/7 for a period of their lives they won’t even remember. I remember feeling like supermum being able to manage a job and babies at the same time!

No ‘firsts’ ever occurred not in mine and DH’s presence.

@WeepySheepy

No one even questions it when a dad goes back to work 5 days a week after paternity leave and "misses milestones"

Standing ovation

At the other end of the age thing - find many mums feel strongly the need to be around for the GCSE years. Have worked full time with babies but GCSE years felt their needed the support then.

@JizzyJane

Whats the point of having kids if you put them in a nursery 5 days a week?

I hope you also homeschool your older children because what’s the point in having them otherwise?

@JizzyJane

Whats the point of having kids if you put them in a nursery 5 days a week?

Such a weird view. Do you only get fulfillment out of your relationship with your children during the preschool years Mon-Fri 9-5 or something? And if you have a partner who works, surely you can see that they have a relationship with your children? That's the point.

If you have DC, presumably you encourage their education, male or female. Why is it such a stretch to see that for many of us, a career where we use our qualifications is a source of pride and fulfillment? Or should we just give up that idea when we turn 30 and get a ring on our finger? Never mind that for many families it's a financial necessity.

No.
YANBU.
We all have to eat and pay our bills.

I would judge.

@JizzyJane

Whats the point of having kids if you put them in a nursery 5 days a week?

Are you always this rude?

@drpet49

I would judge.

Why?

Depends on the child. My ds was in nursery from 9 months. But I really saw a difference in him when he had periods of time out of nursery. His speech improved and other things. He is a child who needs a lot from me.