To have a 10 month old baby in a nursery 5 days a week?

[Toomuchworkon]

Just been reading another thread where it’s generally agreed this is a lot / potentially too much and I’m all worried now.

Honestly, would you be judging me harshly?

If you have a full time job that requires you to use full time childcare than I don’t know what there is too judge?

Saying that, my baby went to a childminder for two days a week when he was 10 months and my colleagues were a bit horrified that I’d returned working the hours I did because apparently two days with a childminder is “way too much”.

Those who judge are those who are lucky enough not to have to use full time childcare.

You’re working to provide for you family so hold your head up proud and let any mean minded comments pass you by

I personally find it really sad.

I was like you but now seeing the benefits of nursery I have changed my mind. My DD has learnt lots, she is so happy at nursery and she is entertained better than I can entertain her.

Hard to judge what I've done myself! Mine went into nursery at that age full-time, and by choice as well as we could have afforded for one of us to be a SAHP but we both prefer to work.

A few random jumbled thoughts:

• Eldest is 3.5 and has always loved nursery. I prefer full-time, which isn't a popular view on here. I've noticed that the DC who have always just gone for a couple of days a week are the ones who are still reluctant to go in even now, whereas the full timers trot on in without a care in the world.

• Similarly, when they're there full-time, the staff get to know them well. I know they tend to pick up on one of them being quiet or not eating like they normally do almost as quickly as we would ourselves so we know when they seem to be coming down with something.

• On a related note, you see people talking quite emotively about leaving your baby with "strangers". Well, they are at first, but you quickly build a relationship with them, and more importantly so do the DC. One woman who we have become particularly friendly with (she did some childcare for us once it was allowed during the first lockdown) texted me from her holiday last week as she'd heard DD2 had a tummy bug and she wanted to ask after her.

• I would be wary of cutting to 4 days depending on your job - with my friends that always seemed to result in the same workload for 20% less pay and 20% less time to do it in. They had to cut to at least 3 days to get the benefit, but that has other knock on effects that you may not want.

We have no family nearby, and nursery has been invaluable for us - both in terms of the practicalities and in terms of our DC building relationships with people other than us.

It's lovely when they learn new things there too - we nearly fell off our chairs when DD1 started doing the actions to a song that was playing when she was a baby. And many other wonderful moments since.

My DDs were in nursery 5 days a week from 6 months. We needed the luxuries of life, like paying the mortgage, food, heating - that sort of thing. So two full time wages were required.

They're now 20 and 18 and are wonderful young people. It wasn't nursery that impacted them, it was their dad becoming an alcoholic. Meanwhile the three of us are a close, warm, successful family unit. What matters is what you put in at home.

@MrsR87 I felt like my life was ending too. DD started nursery in July. Life with them is ending as we know it, but there is good that comes with it too. I find DD so much more exhausting now that I'm quite pleased I get days off to work where nursery are responsible for entertaining and feeding her

@Spyro1234

I personally find it really sad.

Why?

Those who judge are those who are lucky enough not to have to use full time childcare.

I know this is said to help OP (and by a few, I'm not picking on you Dont, it's just the most recent).

I don't consider myself in any way unlucky to use childcare, and nor do I have to do so. This framing just induces the guilt that so many working mothers feel (and so many working fathers don't!).

I choose to work, as does DH, and so our children are in childcare. There are lots of positives and negatives to that, but it works well for all four of us and doesn't need to be couched in terms of fortune, guilt, obligation.

Don't worry OP. In my experience, the only place you'll get judgemental comments is here!!

I choose to go back to work f/t when DS was 10 months. He absolutely thrived at nursery. He's 7 now and still talks about his 'first school'.

The quality of the childcare provision is key but I'm sure you've got that in hand.

@MindyStClaire

Those who judge are those who are lucky enough not to have to use full time childcare.

I know this is said to help OP (and by a few, I'm not picking on you Dont, it's just the most recent).

I don't consider myself in any way unlucky to use childcare, and nor do I have to do so. This framing just induces the guilt that so many working mothers feel (and so many working fathers don't!).

I choose to work, as does DH, and so our children are in childcare. There are lots of positives and negatives to that, but it works well for all four of us and doesn't need to be couched in terms of fortune, guilt, obligation.

I agree.

I considered us lucky to have such wonderful childcare as an option.

I also choose to go back to work and to work full time and saw DS attending such a wonderful nursery as a positive thing for him.

I would say - why think about having a child - to then hardly ever see him/her ? You are letting someone else raise your child, will miss precious milestones, and regret long term. I would much prefer to have a career break and be with my child, and be a mum - there are ways of earning money from home - set up an on-line business ? sell on ebay ?
My sister put her son in nursery - is a teacher and even put him in out nursery when she was on school holidays - I can never understand why she did this - he is now 13 and there is no real emotional attachment between them. I stayed at home with my 2, worked small shifts when DH was at home - we did not have much money - but my children never did without - sorry I sound harsh

Went back to work full time at 12 months (very much aware that in many other countries women don’t get 12 months off, and they didn’t in this country until about 2006 I don’t think).

Never once felt guilty or odd about it until I read the kind of MN threads you’re referring to where people call it ‘sad’ and say you should only do it ‘if you have no other option’ and ask questions like ‘why did you bother having children?’ (I honestly don’t understand why anyone would think it was ok to say that, but there you go). So I stopped reading them and focussed on my life and the many full time working parents around me with thriving children and felt much better.

I also don’t really know what people mean by having ‘no other choice’ - I don’t have to work full time to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, but I wanted more for our quality of life than that. I like my job, I like savings and financial security, I like being able to take my children on holidays and days out, I like being able to pay for them to do hobbies, etc.

I would say - why think about having a child - to then hardly ever see him/her ? You are letting someone else raise your child, will miss precious milestones, and regret long term. I would much prefer to have a career break and be with my child, and be a mum - there are ways of earning money from home - set up an on-line business ? sell on ebay ?

Lol. All the cliches in one paragraph 🤣

Oh with working patterns another consideration is whether you plan to have another baby in the near future. I did and I wanted full time mat pay for it. I think if you are hoping to have another in the relatively near future there’s a lot of sense in staying FT.

@DinkyDaffodil

I would say - why think about having a child - to then hardly ever see him/her ? You are letting someone else raise your child, will miss precious milestones, and regret long term. I would much prefer to have a career break and be with my child, and be a mum - there are ways of earning money from home - set up an on-line business ? sell on ebay ? My sister put her son in nursery - is a teacher and even put him in out nursery when she was on school holidays - I can never understand why she did this - he is now 13 and there is no real emotional attachment between them. I stayed at home with my 2, worked small shifts when DH was at home - we did not have much money - but my children never did without - sorry I sound harsh

Yup, almost so perfect it could have been generated by a bot.

And only ever directed at mothers, never fathers.

I stayed at home with my 2, worked small shifts when DH was at home - we did not have much money - but my children never did without - sorry I sound harsh

You sound naive. You were lucky that your DH earned enough that you could afford to stay home. Lucky. It really is that simple.

I missed nothing. My DDs took their first steps at home, with us. They said their first words out, with us. Their attachment to us as parents were full, normal and healthy. You seem to think the attachment issues between your sister and her DS was 100% due to him going to nursery. What evidence do you have that this is so? Correlation does not equal causation.

@pointythings

I stayed at home with my 2, worked small shifts when DH was at home - we did not have much money - but my children never did without - sorry I sound harsh

You sound naive. You were lucky that your DH earned enough that you could afford to stay home. Lucky. It really is that simple.

I missed nothing. My DDs took their first steps at home, with us. They said their first words out, with us. Their attachment to us as parents were full, normal and healthy. You seem to think the attachment issues between your sister and her DS was 100% due to him going to nursery. What evidence do you have that this is so? Correlation does not equal causation.

Of course you missed things. You were at work. It's great that you're happy with your choices but you can't pretend you didn't miss out on 40 hours per week with your child, every week if that is what you did indeed do.

Why pretend?

Mine went to nursery from 5.5 months as statutory maternity leave plus holidays tagged on the end lasts that amount in my country. She is absolutely fine and 3.5 years old now. No, I would not judge anyone. Everyone has their circumstances to deal with. Good luck with whatever choice you make.

I’m definitely going to give up my career that took 6 years to train and qualify into to ‘sell on eBay’.

It's like MN bingo!! but i'll bite........

would say - why think about having a child - to then hardly ever see him/her ?
How rude. You don't know the OPs working pattern.

You are letting someone else raise your child

Wrong.Not to mention insulting. Being able to provide financially for your family is part of being a parents. Choosing childcare options is still being a parent. Parents who use childcare are still raising their children. What is your opinion about men going out to work while the baby is only two weeks old? Are they not raising their children after that point?

will miss precious milestones
Completely wrong. If a child does something at nursery will they never do it out of that setting?

and regret long term
You're making assumptions now. I've never regretted using childcare.

I would much prefer to have a career break and be with my child, and be a mum
ooooh where to start with this one! Not all careers are suited to a career break, not all women want to take a career break, not all women can afford a career break.

Oh and just because a women works that doesn't mean she stops being a mum.

there are ways of earning money from home - set up an on-line business ? sell on ebay ?

hahahahahahahahahhahahah yeah because it that easy.

My sister put her son in nursery - is a teacher and even put him in out nursery when she was on school holidays - I can never understand why she did this - he is now 13 and there is no real emotional attachment between them.
So all your evidence is based on one example?

I stayed at home with my 2, worked small shifts when DH was at home - we did not have much money - but my children never did without - sorry I sound harsh

Good for you for making it work. Other families do things differently.
Yes you do sound harsh and rude.

And only ever directed at mothers, never fathers.

Yep! So predictable.

No one even questions it when a dad goes back to work 5 days a week after paternity leave and "misses milestones"

@WeepySheepy

No one even questions it when a dad goes back to work 5 days a week after paternity leave and "misses milestones"

So cold and unfeeling. Why have the baby at all?

Of course you missed things. You were at work. It's great that you're happy with your choices but you can't pretend you didn't miss out on 40 hours per week with your child, every week if that is what you did indeed do.

Why pretend?

I've genuinely never felt like I've missed out and I've worked full time since DS was 10 months. I might not have seen him do everything for the first time but that doesn't mean I've missed out - these are not one off occasions! I'm just as proud and as excited for him even if I didn't witness it the first time it happened..
DS scored his first goal in a football match last week. I didn't see it as it was DH's turn to take him.... i heard all about it and will see him play this weekend.
Unless you are never going to let your child out of your sight then you are not going to see everything.

For us, we are just happy and proud to see our child thrive, develop and learn new things. If those thing happen out of my sight then they still happened and it's still a good thing!

Dd1 was full time nursery from 10months, she had patches when she'd cry at drop off when she was about two years old but was always happy by the time I'd hit the car park (there was a window I could see her from as I walked past) and overall she loved it there. She left ready for school, a confident, happy little girl. Her best friend is someone she went all through nursery with. Very fond memories all round.

Dd2 I didn't go back to work until she was 2 and a half. She goes to nursery 2 days a week and is always grumpy about going, has to be physically handed over at the door because she won't walk in. Has taken a long time to adjust and is still getting used to it really. I have many more concerns about her than I did dd1. Don't think she's going to find the transition to school easy at all.

So from my experience I'd say full time nursery from early on works better!