DF accused me of a terrible crime

[fishpie1]

My DF has always been very odd and my home growing up was very stressful. I think he has mental health issues to say the least.

That's not a judgement on people who have those issues, I do as well.

One day me, my df and my dm went out for lunch. It was horrible as always. My DF started talking about some bog standard documentary he had watched about 20s-30s mobsters. Very cheesy basic thing not some in depth insight.

I literally said, oh I watched that one.

He "turned" like you would not believe.

It's hard to explain the next bit because it was so shocking but he basically accused me of the worst crimes you can imagine.

Like, imagine something horrific, that's what he out of nowhere said about me.

My silly mother sat there in silence pretending everything was tickety boo because that's her way of coping.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it. Honestly it's hard to explain but sometimes something is so extreme it shocks you almost to the point where you can't understand it.

I am NC now but I really struggle. I keep thinking about this day. I used to think my df was a bit of a dick and a bit depressed but looking back it seems like it could have been more.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking. Just if someone has experienced similar I guess.

Good God that sounds awful. My DF has said some very frightening things, ultimately no contact was really the only way. I would have gone to the police but it was my word against his.

Could he be starting with dementia and this be a symptom of it? Could it be that he is just becoming more extreme as he gets older? You can detach kindly if it's for the best, not for his sake but your own in the future. However, if the situation is very extreme then perhaps you could discuss it with him or let him know why, but your safety is paramount.
I wonder if he treats your mother tge same way, hence the lack of engagement when it happened. I am so sorry OP.

So your DF is a narcissist? And your DM an enabler? None of this is about you, it's all about them, let it wash over you. He didn't mean what he said, he knows it's not true, it was just a handy weapon to beat you with and he took the opportunity. He did definitely mean to hurt you and said it deliberately. They're toxic bastards. NC is the way to go. Stay strong. Don't waste too much energy trying to understand them. Focus on your MH, you might find it improves now they're not in your life.

@Phoenixrising2020 I think my mother is just determined to pretend it's not happening. She has definitely been on the receiving end of his behavior though.

I'm sorry for your situation Phoenix, it's so hard. I don't even mourn a good relationship anymore, I just struggle with not being able to really work it out.

With the dementia, I'm not sure. I think it might be ptsd. However my Ps are very old fashioned and view all MH issues like a "shame" thing. The irony is both me and my mum have Mh issues that are probably caused by being around my dad.

Did your dad tell you these things on purpose or did they kind of slip out?

@FluffyWhiteBird I do try and push them out of my mind but sometimes these things come back to me and I wonder why I didn't react like a healthy person, you know, walk out there and then. It's crazy that I let someone do that to me. It obviously wasn't the only extreme thing to happen.

My DM is an enabler for my dad but she also has some extreme behaviour going on herself.

I can't exactly picture the scene, I guess it was accusing you of crimes against children or similar, but if he comes out with this weird shit you are better off out of it before you go mad.

@IndecentCakes Yep, during lunch at a country pub. Talking about crap TV, that's what he came out with. I never want to see him again. I suppose tonight I am just thinking about how I got so ground down as to be around him at all. I think the shock factor played a big part. I mean, what do you say or do when someone drops that into the middle of a conversation about tv?

My mum kept bringing it up afterwards as well. But like it was a joke, because she didn't really believe it I presume but she still repeated it to me. I know other people go through much worse but sometimes like tonight I just can't wrap my head around how this situation even happened.

Actually op I think being shocked and not reacting really worked in your favour on this occasion. Because these folk want an emotional reaction which is why they say these nasty things.

For the sake of your own mental health, stay no contact. From what you say I think both your parents should be seeking professional help. Saying things like that isn't normal behaviour. Difficult as it is, try not to dwell on it and go live your life the best you can. Don't let your parents dictate the person you will become. You will do fine.

I wonder why I didn't react like a healthy person, you know, walk out there and then. It's crazy that I let someone do that to me.

The simple answer will be that you were raised to doubt or second-guess your own instincts, and to under-react to crazy behaviour. Every child grows up trusting their parents because they need them to survive. No matter how crazy your parents act, you're reliant on them, so you just learn to endure their behaviour, even as you come to learn that other people behave differently.

You know you haven't done whatever crazy thing your dad accused you of. Your own internal conscience isn't messed up. Your mum sitting there acting like him saying that is okay and normal and even joining him in blaming you for something you didn't do is equally crazy (but also probably a coping mechanism for her, if she's reliant on your dad).

Your sense of reality works just fine when you are well away from your parents, so that's really the best place for you.

both me and my mum have MH issues that are probably caused by being around my dad.

wonder why I didn't react like a healthy person, you know, walk out there and then. It's crazy that I let someone do that to me.

Because your not well mentally and you've been trained (from childhood) to tolerate abuse. It's not your fault.

@FlorenciaFlora both my Ps thrive on drama it's really odd.

@Gothichouse40 Thank you, I do try and put it out of my mind. Failed tonight obviously.

@CheekyHobson I always loved my Ps and wanted them to be happy. It took me a long time to understand that they never would be.

Well done for going NC.
Whenever I doubt myself about NC with my narc parents, I keep telling myself: “I’m not their emotional punching bag”. This reminds me exactly of why it was necessary to go NC.

@LaBellina There is no other way. It is sad that these people seem consumed by self pity and yet they push away anyone who really loves them. But in the end, they have to make their choices I suppose.

Both of my Ps think they are strong for denying the existence of emotion, but they just offload emotion onto others and then complain when they see cracks forming in that person. They never have been able to see that the pressure comes from their unresolved emotion.

I know OP; it’s how these people are.
Emotionally they’re basically toddlers who throw tantrums and lash out to others when they feel uncomfortable for whatever reason.
If anything, I have learnt that you can’t control others behavior and you should not take responsibility for it, even when it’s your parents and you feel pressured to make excuses for them.

A "freeze" reaction is also really common in shocking situations.

Sounds horrible.

EMDR therapy can be excellent for helping process painful memories and take the sting out of them.

I just went NC with my dad and step-mum.

I had problems with assertiveness/replyiing to people in the moment too. I know exactly what I want to say but it doesn't come out of my mouth.

I find blocking most people who make me feel that way is the way forward.

Or if it's a relatively small thing, I discuss it via Messenger. My ex used to not let me do that but if someone can't handle it they'lllhave to just not be my friend. He probably partly prefered face to face communication because he knew he would always 'beat' me at that.

Sorry, this is actually one of the strangest ones I’ve heard. I know a lot of people with narcissist parents who “turn” situations on them (parent loses something, but since they are perfect and couldn’t possibly lose something, they accuse others of stealing - that sort of thing), but no, not usually random things like that without some psychosis.

You go to lunch. He says he watched a documentary on 1920s mobsters. You say, “Oh yes, I saw that too.” He gets violently angry as a result, for no reason, accuses you of a completely unrelated horrific crime, like being in cahoots with Jimmy Saville, of which you are obviously completely innocent. Your mother says nothing, and when questioned later, says you deserved it. You are now NC with them.

No. I have never heard anything like that. He sounds beyond a narcissist and possibly psychotic and she sounds more than an enabler, and is dangerously in denial, and will support him to your detriment, and maybe even to the point of perjury, I guess? If the paragraph above was the case, it seems a case of safety for you to be NC, as he could accuse you of something that could ruin your career or life, and she would support the accusation.

[quote fishpie1]@FluffyWhiteBird I do try and push them out of my mind but sometimes these things come back to me and I wonder why I didn't react like a healthy person, you know, walk out there and then. It's crazy that I let someone do that to me. It obviously wasn't the only extreme thing to happen.

My DM is an enabler for my dad but she also has some extreme behaviour going on herself.[/quote]
Walking out and reacting like "a healthy person" only happens in movies! Very few people have an immediate and appropriate reaction to something that has taken them by surprise.
There is nothing wrong with you or the way you reacted.
What was wrong was that he said, and what your mother didn't say. What was right was you taking a little time to be stunned, and privacy make up your mind on what to do.

Were his accusations about the terrible crime specific or just vague? Was the victim/s an actual person?

You mention that you and your mother also have mh problems - what are they?

I'm just trying to picture the scene as it seems so very odd and does the subject matter of the documentary have anything to do with it?

Bloody hell. What a bizarre pair. So sorry OP.
Search the "But we took you to stately homes" threads.
There's a whole community on there who support each other and will truly understand how you feel.
The threads have been going for ages, so reading through them you'll find a lot that resonates with you.
I think you should introduce yourself on the current one.

Second the comment about going to the stately homes thread on the relationships board @attilathemeerkat

Your post got my heart racing… triggering I suppose:
When I was 17 and living at hone I was watching a documentary about a trial for a date rape where the accused was convicted. Unbeknownst to me my parents were watching the same show downstairs. My mother came upstairs as it was ending and asked :”what did you think?” I said the bastard got what he deserved, my father then came up and saw the credits rolling on the tv and asked “what did you think of the show”. I said the bastard got what he deserved.
A switch was flipped: my father went ballistic.
He screamed at me that “women ask for it” and smashed his fist on the table. I was so shocked and scared… it was entirely out of the blue.
I had barely even kissed a boy at that age, and I was the top student in high school (just so you understand the context here). I was innocent, not that it matters.
I had only had a basic job in a shop previously and no money - but in the next couple of days I got a temping job and moved out to live at college.
It’s been over 20 years and I still hate him - I live overseas now. I speak to my mother but only in passing talk to him.
So you have my sympathy, your father is dirt and you will leave him behind. I’m sorry you had to go through this.

Failed to say that he actually told me that if I thought that way I should get out and not live under his roof. Then lorded over me the fact I hadn’t really worked before and wouldn’t have the money to do it.

I would say he was playing the part of the magnanimous dinner provider and you dared to speak when he was holding forth.
Apart from the rabbit in the headlights shock at what he said being in a public place makes it very difficult to respond appropriately.
The fact he has such nasty spiteful thoughts in his head is not anything you can fix. I would suspect he has mental illness and probably a damaging childhood.
There's nothing you can do to fix that. It's so sad you are left with these memories. Counselling might help. I find writing things down when you are reliving these things does seem to help. I've come across things I've written, when I'm upset and angry, months or years later and it's hard to believe how much calmer I feel about it.