DF accused me of a terrible crime

[fishpie1]

My DF has always been very odd and my home growing up was very stressful. I think he has mental health issues to say the least.

That's not a judgement on people who have those issues, I do as well.

One day me, my df and my dm went out for lunch. It was horrible as always. My DF started talking about some bog standard documentary he had watched about 20s-30s mobsters. Very cheesy basic thing not some in depth insight.

I literally said, oh I watched that one.

He "turned" like you would not believe.

It's hard to explain the next bit because it was so shocking but he basically accused me of the worst crimes you can imagine.

Like, imagine something horrific, that's what he out of nowhere said about me.

My silly mother sat there in silence pretending everything was tickety boo because that's her way of coping.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it. Honestly it's hard to explain but sometimes something is so extreme it shocks you almost to the point where you can't understand it.

I am NC now but I really struggle. I keep thinking about this day. I used to think my df was a bit of a dick and a bit depressed but looking back it seems like it could have been more.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking. Just if someone has experienced similar I guess.

[quote fishpie1]@Whatamess582 I think you always carry it a bit, I'm trying to offload as much as possible. I'm not sure what is realistic in terms of that right now.[/quote]
Of course. Everyone carries it when they are abused like that over years and years. I didn’t mean drop it right now and never think about it again. I meant go to a therapist if you can and learn to leave it firmly behind. If you’re anything like me, and I believe all victims of this kind of abuse are affected very similarly, then your internal voice is their legacy…. Whether you are with them or not you know what they would be saying and half listen to it alllllll the time. That’s what I meant about their poison. You can leave that behind with the right help and believe me…. When you do it’s a freedom you probably have never experienced. I was 43 before I genuinely experienced that. And honestly…. I didn’t know that it was possible. I didn’t believe that some people don’t walk around without their parent’s voices in their head telling them how awful they are and what a failure they are and how everyone hates them and is using them and lying to them…. People told me. But I didn’t actually believe them. Or know how that could even be possible. Go speak to someone. If you have been on the receiving end of that kind of shit for years….you may not even know the ways in which it might have affected you. Clear it out and start living a great life without them xx

I wish people would stop saying dementia, it's quite insulting to dementia sufferers like my mil. This man has behaved like this for YEARS.
I also don't believe it's psychosis in the sense that he can seemingly turn it on and off. Personality disorder like BP or NPD, possibly.

My sibling does similar, but less severe. In her case she'll explain something very simple to me, then when I question her, remark that she doesn't know what I know (despite having far higher qualifications than her - I'm not stupid). Or accusing me of smoking, despite knowing I'm severely asthmatic and being totally against it.

I think in her case it's jealousy and a desire to make herself look better than me.

[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1r6iNuxpLuQ this youtuber Patrick Teahan is so good. I could listen to this all day.

Great videos - explains things so clearly

@SelkieQualia

A "freeze" reaction is also really common in shocking situations.

I agree that freezing is pretty normal in such a situation .

@fishpie1 sorry for the late reply. Yes, still in contact. My mum died in truly awful circumstances a few years ago and I couldn't really abandon him.
Recently though, we had travelled a great distance to help him with something and after a couple days of him performing 'nicely' - (and it is always a performance) he clearly couldn't hold it in anymore and we were all treated to one of his episodes with myself very much the focus. Something in me, or is it the menopause? just refused to take it for once and whilst I didn't react at the time we left early and I haven't called him since. Its not really a relief, but I do feel like I've put him aside a little.. Its like he's in a box to the side and can't really get to me. The huge irony is he will think I'm the one being spiteful
I've recently started opening up a little to my kids about some of the things that happened in my childhood. They aren't surprised or shocked as they've seen him be very awful too, real rages, shouting, throwing things, driving dangerously in a white fury etc but their sympathy and understanding is a great comfort and makes me realise how to a great extent I have managed in large part to break the chain.

I agree the menopauseor age (?) I dont have any symptoms unless being 51 in itself is a system! But I SEE the family dynamics so clearly now. I cannot collude with the authoritative/ compliant relationship that they see as normal. At 51, to be perceived as "bold!" (and wrong mad bad) to give your parents the tiniest bit of feedback that they hurt you, well as they say on mumsnet, and I like it "That Doesnt Work For Me"

I envy people who see the dynamics in their 20s and 30s

@ManifestingJoy (great user name) yes! No real symptoms here apart from the extraordinary clear sightedness, but at 53...It's rather a wonderful eye opener for me! I think maybe he (my dad) senses a new resistance in me which is partly why he feels a fresh challenge.. I had always thought the physical, verbal and emotional violence we experienced as kids was, if not normal then commonplace and that I had dealt with it. Only just now fully realising that well yes, I did deal with it, but only by absorbing all that anger and bending myself horribly horribly out of shape and living with truly life resricting levels of self doubt.
Hoping I can turn the corner now and enjoy the next stretch a bit more.

I love that and want to say it out loud next time im asked if i have any meno p symptoms.
Extraordinary clear sightedness 🙌🍷

That sounds so plausible that your dad ihas noticed yr lack of tolerance for old BS, but is rubbing his hands together at a new stronger version of you. It never ends!

@ManifestingJoy amen to that. Xx

@zaramysaviour

I am so sorry your experience with your DM was what I feared mine would have been had she known. She thought we were so close and often declared I’d never been able to keep a secret from her. She of course could see right through me. I wish both your DM and your attack hadn’t happened to you and am glad the wisdom of years is making you more able to draw clearer lines.

@fishpie1 Zara’s and my derailment of your thread goes to show that we all form ways of reading these people to try to keep ourselves safe, and in the process take way more than we should. Then just when we think our defences are securely in place they turn, like your DF did, and do something so inexplicable it leaves us spinning. I am so sorry this happened to you. On another note, EMDR really helped my DS with his flashbacks. It’s worth thinking about.

Will they cooperate over this legal thing do you think?