DF accused me of a terrible crime

[fishpie1]

My DF has always been very odd and my home growing up was very stressful. I think he has mental health issues to say the least.

That's not a judgement on people who have those issues, I do as well.

One day me, my df and my dm went out for lunch. It was horrible as always. My DF started talking about some bog standard documentary he had watched about 20s-30s mobsters. Very cheesy basic thing not some in depth insight.

I literally said, oh I watched that one.

He "turned" like you would not believe.

It's hard to explain the next bit because it was so shocking but he basically accused me of the worst crimes you can imagine.

Like, imagine something horrific, that's what he out of nowhere said about me.

My silly mother sat there in silence pretending everything was tickety boo because that's her way of coping.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it. Honestly it's hard to explain but sometimes something is so extreme it shocks you almost to the point where you can't understand it.

I am NC now but I really struggle. I keep thinking about this day. I used to think my df was a bit of a dick and a bit depressed but looking back it seems like it could have been more.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking. Just if someone has experienced similar I guess.

@ILoveJamaica My mum is really the only person in my dad's life and her role is to pretend he's normal it seems. I know it's an awful thing to say but I think that's why they got together, because he finally found someone who would do that for him and she turned a tolerance for abuse into a way to get a husband. I don't doubt that they love each other but the dynamic is really messed up. It can't accommodate anyone else that's for sure.

The situation with covid has really shone a light on how some people treat/view others. Screaming at people for not wearing masks and so forth. It's just an excuse to have a go at someone.

Sorry OP that sounds really tough.

There's something about restaurants that really seems to trigger toxic people. My mother used to do this shit all the time. My FIL does it as well, he goes all silent and ragey when the kids don't finish their dinners and stuff like that. Last time we were all out (we were paying) I let my DD order an ice cream sundae the size of her head and then leave it after two spoonfuls just to piss him off. Fuck these people, really. How they suck the joy out of everything. I used to feel guilty and second guess myself about being NC with my mother and wonder if the problem was me, but I don't even care if the problem is me on some level, any more. I just like not being around them.

It's not me but my DF is a narcissistic idiot who always had the illusions of grandeur and never grew up. The whole family were slightly screwed, their father was a high functioning alcoholic, not aggressive but really didn't care that much and died young, their mother married at 16 and went from a spoilt brat child to a spoilt brat young bride who only ever saw herself.
My DF and DM divorced when we were all grown up but it was long time in the making. He was a pill-addict, enabled by his family, his sister did all she could to break the family down, they would call my mother a peasant because she came from a country.
He was jealous while unfaithful himself and hated when she only looked at someone. The fact that when we were grown up, she went on to start a proper career in the legal field she enjoyed and was successful was a major issue for him. He started getting really unpleasant and then asked for a divorce, thinking she will come crawling because she can't live without him.
To his major horror she agreed, signed the papers and he left - she paid him his share of the house and went on to live a happy life of a woman with enough money, good career and grandkids who love her.
He's living somewhere in the country with a woman who saw him as her last chance to get herself a man, wasted all money he got from my DM and his golden handshake and has to live on a very meagre pension. Recently, he started calling my DM and sending her messages, threatening her that if she doesn't give him money, he will tell us that she was constantly unfaithful to him during their marriage.
Considering she brought up three children while working full-time and with a husband who was constantly pursuing his hobbies when not working or sleeping, that's a joke and we know that. He tried it with my sister, who instantly blocked him, couldn't try with me because I had blocked him already.
While my DM knows we know it's just a stupid lie, it still lies heavily on her and bothers her. If he tries spreading the lie, she will sue him for slander but it's still very unpleasant. We try to be as supportive as possible and now simply stopped even mentioning him, he simply doesn't exist anymore.
NC is the best thing you can do. Some people will never see the awfulness of their actions or, if they do, they enjoy them too much.

Dear OP, I have had similar from my parents and I think we will get to the end of our days and never fully know what all the nonsense and shouting and shaming and rage was about. I'm in my fifties now and the dreadful memories have faded quite a bit - I'm close to being able to forgive my father now. But the fact he died some years ago and hasn't been able to inflict any more crap on me since then has definitely helped with that. You have already worked out a lot of the pieces of the puzzle yourself and maybe more will dawn on you in time, which does help to understand and put the pain to bed.

Like you I think damaged folk like these pick someone who will put up with it for a partner, and then they throw the kid under the bus between them. I was instructed by my mother "not to share any dirty linen" when I had regular sessions with a psychiatric nurse, because of depression. Now I have absolutely no depression, because I am not being bullied and I am not wretched and ashamed and fearful the way I was when I could really have done with some kindness and support. It's my father who should have been deeply ashamed, and me that had the right to be angry! Only we didn't have those rights, did we, OP, our parents stomped on them, didn't even consider them. Awful. So sorry. It's human nature to go over it all looking for the answer, especially if it is fairly recent. Hoping time will lessen pain for you.

Totally loving the PP who bought the giant ice cream for her DD specifically to annoy. Excellent. Curiously one cafe incident sticks in my mind. The only time we were out for lunch together my cheese sandwich was on stale bread. I mentioned I was going to ask for it to be remade with fresh bread. My father got all difficult about this, muttering that one thing he couldn't stand, couldn't stand, was a FUSS. I said no bother, they won't mind. So it went on with both wanting to handle and inspect the sandwich to see just HOW stale, and the father not wanting me to draw attention to myself perhaps? or assert myself? Anyway I do so wish I had ignored him, but as mum was getting caught up in trying to appease him as he began to get angry, I gave in and ate the stale sandwich. On the way out my mother went up to the counter after my dad had strode out and told them "the bread was really, VERY, VERY stale." Somehow this small incident and sorry everyone I have bored rigid with it, has stuck in my mind as typifying our family dynamics. It was rather sweet of mum but daft.

"put someone in a round room and tell them to find the corner, then you can get them".

Christ. Your mum said that?? Sorry, but that is truly evil.

My mum is really the only person in my dad's life and her role is to pretend he's normal it seems

They are both a very long way from being normal. They both sound completely unhinged.

@Homebird8

In my case it was DM who spat out her disgust for anyone who claimed to be raped by anyone they knew or on a night out. ‘These silly girls’ were just ‘having a drama’. Needless to say she died not knowing it had happened to me. Where does this sudden declaration come from in parents, and the vehemence, and condemnation. They don’t deserve us.

My mum is the same, but in her case she did know it had happened to me. She also get very drunk and gleefully told me I was a whore and 'no wonder' I'd been assaulted. Funnily enough I've only just fallen out with them over something relatively minor, 15 years on - I hope I am able to go full NC/LC. I'm sorry that happened to you, Homebird.

@Anycrispsleft That ice cream story is very funny.

Yes the restaurant thing, it's like a mix of public visibility, food and money that just turns what should be nice and fun into a total mess. I don't think I'll ever eat around my Ps again but the other night me and my partner got a takeaway and just unbidden I kind of thought as I bit into the food, it would be so funny to do this in front of my dad. He's always in a rage about women's arses, they're either too big or even if you're thin they might become too big. I avoid thinking of them but sometimes it just crops up like that.

There seems to be something there like the men sit in silent rage and the women try and attack to make it right for the angry man. I just can't do it anymore. They also treat strangers badly in restaurants, like these people's lives have anything to do with them!

@Anycrispsleft

There's something about restaurants that really seems to trigger toxic people. My mother used to do this shit all the time. My FIL does it as well, he goes all silent and ragey when the kids don't finish their dinners and stuff like that. Last time we were all out (we were paying) I let my DD order an ice cream sundae the size of her head and then leave it after two spoonfuls just to piss him off. Fuck these people, really. How they suck the joy out of everything. I used to feel guilty and second guess myself about being NC with my mother and wonder if the problem was me, but I don't even care if the problem is me on some level, any more. I just like not being around them.

Oh wow that is so true - there was always a drama when my parents had a meal out. (Apart from the last one when my DP [at the time] treated us all, so they were on their best behaviour.) There will always be something wrong - with the meal, the seating, the cutlery... something. And that's before my mum even gets started on bitching about and judging fellow diners...

My mum is the same even with getting a takeaway - running around extremely stressed warming plates, getting napkins etc while Dad is out fetching the food. She'll moan - constantly - in a cafe if the coffee is a little cooler than she'd like, or complain - very loudly - in my lovely local pub about not getting a coaster. It's so tiring. The last time (with the coffee), I just refused to appease her and she finally stopped. Otherwise my dad will eventually tell her to shut up... the atmosphere then is one I've experienced literally thousands of times in my life.

I always put the particular restaurant issue down to high anxiety about wanting the situation to be perfect in all ways. I have/had a tiny tendency to be like this about 'expensive' things as we're working class and meals out were a once or twice a year treat. But of course it's no fucking fun for anyone else at the table with them, and of course restaurants aren't the only places this toxicity manifests.

Bit of a lightbulb moment for me all the same, anycrispsleft - thank you.

I don't think it's PTSD or dementia. I know everyone complains about diagnosing NPD on here, but I think it's far more likely to be someone with narc personality traits than either PTSD or dementia (especailly as he's always been a cunt).
If he suffered trauma then one of the reactions can be to create this narcissistic protective shell around themself. estd.org/narcissism-consequence-trauma-and-early-experiences#:~:text=Narcissistic%20features%20can%20be%20a,of%20neglect%20or%20excessive%20appraisal.

Also, paranoia is pretty common with these personality types.

But (and I totally understand the ruminating on WHY, I did it a lot about my mother in the first few years of NC), it doesn't really matter if he's like this because of trauma or PTSD or because he was abducted by an alien. The point is he is abusive and won't change. So you need to keep away.

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun yes I see what you mean. It would help to know, but I never really will.

I suppose i just have to say something was wrong and then do the best I can do myself.

NPD is a scale isn't it? As you say people complain about the diagnosis of people on here but even if it's not full blown it could be a case of lots of the traits.

I've found that useful because even with nc it has helped me frame everything better if that makes sense. The huge fog of confusion that was originally there was way more damaging.

Yes, I now would say that my mother is a very damaged person (probably has NPD) and that means I have to protect myself by NC, because she is too damaged for me to be in contact with. The why doesn't really change that fact.

@Firstruleofsoupover Something I noticed is that my parents kept up these pointless airs and graces to please other relatives, even if they weren't actually there!

I do feel bad in a way because they clearly were food shamed and restricted earlier in life, but so was I, and I'm not a dick about food! I struggle a bit with why when they had their own control and own home and family they didn't just do what they wanted. I know this will sound silly but I remember stuff like eating chips with my boyfriend in secret in his car and walking around to get the smell off us before he took me home.

My parents will eat lots and eat unhealthy food but only in certain circumstances that seem predetermined. And they expect everyone else to do the same.

Something I noticed is that my parents kept up these pointless airs and graces to please other relatives, even if they weren't actually there!

That's interesting OP, what sort of airs and graces? Would you mind saying?

Thinking about your thread title and subsequent posts, I remembered this afternoon my father out of the blue telling me off quite nastily for "having too much interest in the dog's behind. Leave her alone". Bewildering and also shame-inducing (as it was meant to be) for an 8 year old. I had no interest in the dog's behind of course, I liked her soft ears and eyes and lovely coat and tail. I was normal!

Oh OP, what a horrible situation . I do think some kind of therapy would be helpful - EMDR or a talking therapy - to give you a safe place to explore this. You are totally right to go NC - the only way to be around this craziness is at the risk of your own MH.

As for diagnosis - if it was dementia, or a typical mental health problem, it would not only manifest as being nasty towards you. For you mum, she may be ground down from living with your dad, in which case it was easier to blame you than accept how awful he was. Or she may be on the same spectrum herself, and they have developed a mutually reinforcing delusional way of looking at the world. I hope you get some good support, on here and IRL, and that you remember every day that being NC is by far the best thing for yourself. Take care.

@Firstruleofsoupover Well I sort of mean things that don't matter if you have your own home, not even big things. So tonight I am hanging out with my boyfriend and we are pretty much just doing what we want, if I had a guest over I wouldn't put on airs and graces but I would try to make everything as nice as possible for them. Not to impress them, but so they had a good time.

My Ps hate any kind of company because i think in their families you basically had people going to each other's homes and then running around gossiping and doing down whatever kind of home someone had, then on the flip side being terrified of having these people over to theirs because it opened them up to this criticism.

This one time a few years back my mum nearly made a friend, it did her the world of good btw. She was due to go round to a dinner and she kept on and on about what kind of house this lady would have. I was like, if she has neon pink wallpaper with yellow Alsatians on it do you care? You have a nice time and someone is hospitable, they're not asking you to move in with them!

So examples:

Very prim and proper sometimes but this is all very put on, meals are a big part of this. I told my mum one day that me and my partner had a lunch of sandwiches on the train and she literally threw her hands in the air and went "owwwwwww, goodness darrrrrrrling". It's all very put on because she can be effing and blinding the next minute.

If I said we cooked a nice meal or went out somewhere she gets very much like it has to be justified somehow. Like you only eat out in certain circumstances.

Racist, sexist, homophobic. You marry as a virgin or you're a whore, you might be a whore anyway. Or desperate. Stuff like that. I once said to one of these stupid relatives that being gay was perfectly Ok and they then took delight in screaming at me that I was a lesbian every time they saw me. My mum was obviously hang wringingly embarrassed and ashamed. I just said being a lesbian is not offensive so if this person wants to foam at the mouth shouting that word at me then that's their choice I guess.

*hand

OP; my mother's like your dad and my father's the enabler. I suspect she has borderline personality disorder due to her horrific childhood. She unfortunately gave me the same.
I'm sorry they are like this, I've recently gone NC on strong advice from a clinical psych.

Your mother is the enabler. Its my father and it is shocking to realise how spineless the enabler is.

Check out patrick teahan on you tube for family dynamis like this
I am unofficially nc atm because they arent talking to me because i tried to make them discuss something

[quote fishpie1]@LaBellina There is no other way. It is sad that these people seem consumed by self pity and yet they push away anyone who really loves them. But in the end, they have to make their choices I suppose.

Both of my Ps think they are strong for denying the existence of emotion, but they just offload emotion onto others and then complain when they see cracks forming in that person. They never have been able to see that the pressure comes from their unresolved emotion.[/quote]
This is my mother to a t.
"Strong"

@BodgertheJogger @ManifestingJoy the enabling thing is awful because without that the other person might have to make more effort. Maybe something would always be wrong but in a way the enabler is worse. They sort of make a deal with the other person like, I'll create a false reality for you but I'll control it and you and everything else.

Someone said to me a while back that there is a certain kind of person that submits to abuse in order to get control of the abuser. I've thought about that a lot.

@ManifestingJoy Another side to this strength in my family is to claim that any resistance or opposition to their abuse is weakness but if you so much as hint at criticism of them, they explode. I find it so odd that they can't see that.

[quote fishpie1]@StopGo I hate to sound cruel but she has had far more love and care off you than she deserves. As others are saying on here, you have to have some happiness from your own life. It's yours.[/quote]
Thank you @fishpie1 for understanding.

Omg snap. It was like bingo reading yr thread back. My parents weird about food too. My mum so fattist. My dad went to a psychiatric hospital with anorexia bulimia decades ago, but wwe never talk about that obviously and id be looked at very harshly for asking about it. My dad also went to a psychiatric hospital with paranoid delusions. Yet my whole family firmly believes im paranoid !! and has casually labelled me paranoid since i was a young teen. So i always doubted my perception of events. I was not paranoid. I was too trusting.

They can receive ZERO negative feedback even when its cushioned in positive feedback. They react like i hurt them. It is impossible in their eyes for them to hurt me. It can only be the other way around. They sound more united than yr parents but the dynamics are terrible and my golden child brother doesnt see it because they have always respected him. His labels were good labels so he joins them now labelling me mad bad emotional dramatic.

Argh.

Ive been in therapy for two years and it helps a bit but it doesnt magic it better