DF accused me of a terrible crime

[fishpie1]

My DF has always been very odd and my home growing up was very stressful. I think he has mental health issues to say the least.

That's not a judgement on people who have those issues, I do as well.

One day me, my df and my dm went out for lunch. It was horrible as always. My DF started talking about some bog standard documentary he had watched about 20s-30s mobsters. Very cheesy basic thing not some in depth insight.

I literally said, oh I watched that one.

He "turned" like you would not believe.

It's hard to explain the next bit because it was so shocking but he basically accused me of the worst crimes you can imagine.

Like, imagine something horrific, that's what he out of nowhere said about me.

My silly mother sat there in silence pretending everything was tickety boo because that's her way of coping.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it. Honestly it's hard to explain but sometimes something is so extreme it shocks you almost to the point where you can't understand it.

I am NC now but I really struggle. I keep thinking about this day. I used to think my df was a bit of a dick and a bit depressed but looking back it seems like it could have been more.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking. Just if someone has experienced similar I guess.

Sorry to add another armchair diagnosis but... sounds similar to family friend who had schizophrenia. Would be normal much of the time but then occasionally do things like turn up at the house accusing my ILs of grievous betrayals. Not really ranting and raving, but behaving with utter certainty. However I don't know that trying to find an explanation for what happened is necessarily the route to peace for you; whatever the root cause is it doesn't change that you had a shocking and devastating experience and I would join pps in suggesting outside help to process it.

Yes OP. I've had a lifetime of it. He still does it every now and then.

@Chicchicchicchiclana It was very vague. Actually a couple of weeks later I was talking online (lived with Ps at the time, their idea) with my then boyfriend. We weren't very serious and it was probably a convo about bands or something innocuous like that. My df heard me laugh at something, stormed into the room, grabbed the screen and read the messages! Oddly after that backfiring on him he was really nice to me for about two weeks. Then the whole cycle started again. He is extremely paranoid. I'm sure there is a reason behind how that happened to him but destroying me won't make that better.

@me4real Yes! I would always rather put something written out. In conversation I flounder, especially when I still talked to my Ps because I would have planned out what I want to say and then I would get a curve ball about something totally different. My mum is worse than my dad for that, she literally has said to me "put someone in a round room and tell them to find the corner, then you can get them".

All the excuses!

Read the op

Some people in life are just very very unpleasant people

The op’s father appears to be one of them

[quote fishpie1]**@me4real* Yes! I would always rather put something written out. In conversation I flounder, especially when I still talked to my Ps because I would have planned out what I want to say and then I would get a curve ball about something totally different. My mum is worse than my dad for that, she literally has said to me "put someone in a round room and tell them to find the corner, then you can get* them".[/quote]
Op

Why do you continue to have a relationship?

How are your other relationships? A partner? Children? Colleagues? Friends? What is your life like beyond your parents?

@me4real Did EDMR work for you? I've read about it and (just to be honest) I couldn't really see it working for me, but I suppose it's worth a go.

@SudokuWillNotSaveYou Yeah that's what happened. There is certainly something wrong with my dad that is probably a recognised condition, but I suppose I'll never know for sure.

My mum is reliant on him but less than she thinks she is, I know that sounds odd. He was going to leave her at one point and said he would take all the money and go find a younger woman and she could live in the street. I pointed out that a) this wasn't legal and b) not practically possible as a lot of their money is in her name. But I think she liked to catastrophise (sp?) because then she can justify staying with him.

@Reallyimeanreally2022 I don't have a relationship with them anymore, sorry if that wasn't clear. I just end up thinking about it all sometimes.

Hi Op. I have experienced what you are talking about. In my case it was someone I had walked down the aisle with. I was incredulous, frozen, mind blown. Stunned. Literally Stunned. In a state of shock.

I had to reassess and get it straight in my head that he was mentally very unstable and capable of dangerously awful thoughts.

Had to realise that when he seemed ok and normal, he wasn’t really. There was an iceberg of sickness under the surface.

I was in such a state of shock I felt paralysed and was in a state of post traumatic shock for a long time.

I’m sure if we were given the choice he would prefer to be healthy and sane. Truly traumatic experience to be turned on like that. I’m sorry it happened to you.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it.

What did she mean by this, as she knows the accusation was ridiculous? Did she mean you were being 'uppity' or having an 'attitude problem', something else women seem to get accused of?

@Chicchicchicchiclana Documentary not related at all. As I say it was one of those cheesy ones, not something hard hitting.

My mum's mh issues are not diagnosed but her behavior is very extreme and got massively worse over the years. That could be due to age or me pulling away or both. In brief lying, manipulation, control and rage.

[quote fishpie1]@Reallyimeanreally2022 I don't have a relationship with them anymore, sorry if that wasn't clear. I just end up thinking about it all sometimes.[/quote]
Do you have a partner? Children? Friends? Colleagues?

I hope your childhood hasn’t seeped in to your adult good

[quote fishpie1]@Reallyimeanreally2022 I don't have a relationship with them anymore, sorry if that wasn't clear. I just end up thinking about it all sometimes.[/quote]
How long ago?

@Getyetaefuck Best name ever btw.

I have been on SH on and off I think though I sort of bring the mood down! I am already NC but as I try to work a way through depression/anxiety etc I recall things.

There is a practical reason I will have to contact my Ps soon, I do not want to. But either through a legal type letter or me writing to them I will have to. That's probably where all this has bubbled up from. It's a financial thing.

Sounds like dementia to me.
Or, could it be possible he has done what he’s accused you of? I know a couple of people who are very mentally unstable who have done awful things and their way of trying to throw people off the scent is to accuse others of things

@Reallyimeanreally2022 It kind of has seeped through because through various odd circumstances that I can now tell were very contrived I had a lot to do with my Ps until a couple of years ago. So things like helping with ill health but that getting exaggerated and prolonged kind of thing. At that point there was some behavior that even my battered awareness had to red flag. I tried to point out the issues and was told it was all done on purpose and the reason you have children is to take your emotions out on them. I was

* I tried to point out the issues and was told it was all done on purpose and the reason you have children is to take your emotions out on them*

That is just plain bizarre

@Kindertonguehappierlife I get the impression (could be wrong) that something happened to him or he saw something happen to someone else...potentially both over time. I obviously have sympathy for that but his treatment of me over many years has meant that he damaged me rather than fix himself.

I'm sorry @BlackSwan. The thing is the triggers are theirs originally. My dad will literally jump if someone says the wrong thing to him, proper 0-60 in no seconds flat, but he doesn't seem to think he is the problem ever.

@Spiindoctor You know it's odd you should say that, he was always very odd about food, especially food bought out. I once got hold of a voucher for free drinks at a place we ate out at. I wasn't pushy or anything, the barman was lovely and had a massive laugh about the drinks tasting better if they were free.

My god, did he turn that day. He picked the drink up like it was vile, swilled it around his mouth and said something about it wasn't right that day. It was the most exaggerated performance you can imagine. Because to him, buying that round of drinks before (another awful) pub lunch was like his...glory?

Writing down does help, I've found it better than therapy on the whole to be honest.

@gamerchick I'm sorry you've experienced similar. Someone once said to me, if you had a kid would you do the same as this? That really clicked for me in terms of going NC. There have been times my dad has just browbeaten me over nothing and my mum has been there, hands clasped going, owww what a lovely curtain.

I feel sorry for her of course but yeah, I can't be around that anymore.

@THisbackwithavengeance The thing is, I agree with you in one respect there. In a normal situation you would brush it off and you would feel able and comfortable doing so. In this situation you get worn down and you know someone's rage and bad behavior over the long term will be too high of a price to pay for speaking up. He may well have dementia but he has been abusive my entire life and also...I've seen him actively choose to "behave" in certain circumstances, so it's something he can control if he wishes to, he has just chosen to set his life up so he can act out.

@MadamMedea I'm getting there, thank you. I suppose sometimes I just regret and blame myself for not going nc sooner.

@Homebird8 Oh my Ps are very much women deserve it, the poor men get confused. Also racist. Hate "the poor". Very anti gay. Ripping into the way people (mainly women) look. It was all very depressing to listen to. It's just basically a way to feel superior I think, like if you write off huge swathes of the population you can justify a pompous attitude. Ugh.

I know people say pull someone up on their remarks etc but when it's vehement and constant and always ends in rows it just doesn't work.

@Whatamess582 I think you always carry it a bit, I'm trying to offload as much as possible. I'm not sure what is realistic in terms of that right now.

@Clarabella77 I spent years trying to find the "right" answer to fix my family. I get it now that they're best placed to do that and choose not to.

@Pinklioness I think you have an insight there, really odd beliefs that people stick to inexplicably and basically fearing honest communication. My mum was once in a mood because my dad was and I asked her some basic question (on a trip) like do you want to go here now and she turned around and said "you can stick an axe in my face if you want, I don't care". When I tried to bring this up with her later (not to row just to sort it out) she said she never said that and I imagined it.

I mean, what can you do with that kind of situation? Nothing.

NC is the only way. I have a sister like this. I tolerated her anger and lies for 30 years, before going NC. She lies about everything. Causes massive arguments at most family gatherings. She's very aggressive. She's had at least 2 tribunals at different work places, because she has threatened to punch other staff. She told everyone that we never came when her first baby was born - we did - we came on her due date (a 6 hour journey no less). She was so aggressive towards me one time, that I had a panic attack and was hospitalised. The final straw was when my elderly Dad decided to cancel his cleaner until he was double jabbed, when I agreed with this, my sister sent me a long message telling me that me and my DH would be "happy to watch my Dad wallow in filth". WTF! I went NC and am enjoying the peace! No more aggro.