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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DF accused me of a terrible crime

139 replies

fishpie1 · 06/10/2021 00:57

My DF has always been very odd and my home growing up was very stressful. I think he has mental health issues to say the least.

That's not a judgement on people who have those issues, I do as well.

One day me, my df and my dm went out for lunch. It was horrible as always. My DF started talking about some bog standard documentary he had watched about 20s-30s mobsters. Very cheesy basic thing not some in depth insight.

I literally said, oh I watched that one.

He "turned" like you would not believe.

It's hard to explain the next bit because it was so shocking but he basically accused me of the worst crimes you can imagine.

Like, imagine something horrific, that's what he out of nowhere said about me.

My silly mother sat there in silence pretending everything was tickety boo because that's her way of coping.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it. Honestly it's hard to explain but sometimes something is so extreme it shocks you almost to the point where you can't understand it.

I am NC now but I really struggle. I keep thinking about this day. I used to think my df was a bit of a dick and a bit depressed but looking back it seems like it could have been more.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking. Just if someone has experienced similar I guess.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/10/2021 06:22

There's nothing wrong with the way you reacted OP. Going NC is a good thing.

Was he not projecting his own crimes on you maybe?

Your mother is weak. My dad is the same, he's never stuck up for me with my mother. Weak people who allow this stuff are not worth your time.

lydia2021 · 06/10/2021 06:24

I have blocked an entire family of relatives. For their constant lies. Best thing I ever did. I feel sorry for the kids, who are going to be f u with poor parenting and lack of listening to their kids. Sometimes you have to walk away for your own sanity

THisbackwithavengeance · 06/10/2021 06:25

My MIL used to come out with weird, offensive, random stuff in her final years. It was dementia.

I dont know why posters on this thread are encouraging you to take it personally.

I get that you dislike your DF but what he said was so out of context and so clearly untrue that I can't understand why you have taken it to heart? I would've said "Don't be silly, Dad".

He needs to see a doctor.

MadamMedea · 06/10/2021 06:29

You didn’t let your father do this, OP. It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t anything you did. It was entirely on your father.

I hope you’re happier now without their toxic influence Flowers

Underamour · 06/10/2021 06:38

Do not wrestle a pig. You will both get covered in mud and the pig enjoys it.

I do not know why people internalise the horrible things other people say. Normal people don’t go around abusing other people. That’s all you need to know. FWIW it’s useful to have a standard set of phrases you can use in unexpected situations. As others have said, don’t engage with the crazy.

iloveeverykindofcat · 06/10/2021 06:53

Definitely sounds like dementia OP. My grandmother had it. She was always a difficult woman with a great deal of internalized misogyny, but when she started getting dementia the filters came down and it all got unleashed. She told my mother I was pregnant when I was 14 (and a virgin!), constantly accused people of stealing from her, and eventually it went on to full on hallucinations.

GoodnightGrandma · 06/10/2021 06:58

My FIL was similar, on odd man where you just couldn’t put your finger on what was wrong. Going NC is the best way,

Franklyfrost · 06/10/2021 07:05

If he genuinely believed you’d done something extreme abs criminal (like keep body parts in a suitcase) for absolutely no reason it sounds like psychosis or dementia (although you’d have seen earlier signs if it was dementia). Both of which are very different from the mumsnet narcissist. It doesn’t sound like he’s manipulating you so much as he’s lost touch with reality. I’m sorry.

TheNoodlesIncident · 06/10/2021 07:08

They would have been like this no matter what you were like as a person, it wasn't anything you did or said that was wrong. Try not to take it personally if you can, because this is all on them, not you.

I'm glad you've gone no contact with them, far better for you and you have nothing to gain by staying in touch with them, only relief of knowing they can't hurt you like they have.

Therapy/counselling might be helpful to you, if you can try that.

TerrifiedandWorried · 06/10/2021 07:11

If you read the OP it is clear this happened a while ago and on the back of a hideous childhood. Saying it must be dementia is really not helpful. Dementia does not cause a lifetime of shit parenting and abusive behaviour.

Homebird8 · 06/10/2021 07:13

In my case it was DM who spat out her disgust for anyone who claimed to be raped by anyone they knew or on a night out. ‘These silly girls’ were just ‘having a drama’. Needless to say she died not knowing it had happened to me. Where does this sudden declaration come from in parents, and the vehemence, and condemnation. They don’t deserve us.

Homebird8 · 06/10/2021 07:16

I am so sorry @fishpie1. I know only too well that you will periodically revisit these incomprehensible things. Sending solidarity for you to stand against it. NC was definitely the way to go after what you have been through.

Whatamess582 · 06/10/2021 07:17

@FluffyWhiteBird

both me and my mum have MH issues that are probably caused by being around my dad.

wonder why I didn't react like a healthy person, you know, walk out there and then. It's crazy that I let someone do that to me.

Because your not well mentally and you've been trained (from childhood) to tolerate abuse. It's not your fault.

This.

Your acceptance is a well established reaction, built over years of this going on. The important thing is that going no contact shows that you have responded differently now and have reached the point where you refuse to accept that kind of shit any more. Don’t blame yourself for any of this.

What you did that day (accepting, staying, listening) was all you could do. You obviously were not capable of doing anything else at that moment.

Now you have.don’t dwell on why he is like that, or why she doesn’t defend you or why you had to go through that. Get yourself to a therapist, read ‘toxic parents’ and start to heal yourself because you have been a victim of trauma and abuse and you need to work through that so you can leave it behind and not carry their poison around with you inside you.
Good luck and I’m sorry you had to go through that. 😘

longwayoff · 06/10/2021 07:17

I suggest he's unwell. Feel sorry for your mum who's got to live with him. Just be very glad you've grown up to an age where you can shrug and walk away.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 06/10/2021 07:30

He sounds mentally unwell. Accusing your daughter of horrific crimes over dinner isn’t something that someone does unless they have delusional or distorted thoughts. Your mother has obviously covered this for so long that she normalises it which isn’t helpful but obviously a coping mechanism. As you say they don’t want to get help so I’m not sure what you can do really except to look after yourself and have some support to understand your own feelings about it all.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 06/10/2021 07:42

I just find it baffling you were even out for the lunch with them.

This seems to be a family lacking in one major attribute - love.

Critical, offensive, no support, very stressful, difficult childhood - it’s an endless list of negativity.

Some people have poor parents. You are one of them.

Clarabella77 · 06/10/2021 07:56

I have gone through something similar with my dad a few years ago. I don't want to go into the specifics but like you he dropped something shopping and out of the blue on me. It was a distressing time but in some ways it opened my eyes and helped me come to terms with what had sometimes been an awkward relationship.

I think he probably has a personality disorder. I don't see him and that is for the best but it is something I carry around with me.

I hope you come to terms with what happened to. It's a challenging thing to experience and not many people understand.

Clarabella77 · 06/10/2021 07:57

*shocking not shopping

Clarabella77 · 06/10/2021 08:00

I would also add that it is sometimes a waste of energy trying to understand this sort of behaviour. I have been down many internet and conversational rabbit holes trying to work him out. Better to accept, let go, move on. But it is not easy.

MRex · 06/10/2021 08:06

Dementia is not the only illness that can cause disordered thoughts, but the situation does appear more like psychosis than just trying to upset you. If he had been a good father prior to that and if your mother was decent to you, then you might help. However they clearly haven't been, so keep your distance and enjoy your life.

LowbrowVictoriana · 06/10/2021 08:27

Who the actual fuvk is voting YABU? Come and explain yourselves!

OP whatever the reason for this - and I can't suggest one - you've done the right thing by going NC. This is haunting you, but even if you can't "fix" it in your head with some sort explanation or reason, hopefully time will dim the shock, sadness and sting of injustice. Getting on with your life without them is the best way forward for a happy life. Flowers

Zeropointzero · 06/10/2021 08:40

I wonder if he suffers from Borderline personality disorder.

Pinklioness · 06/10/2021 09:08

I had a similar situation, not as extreme but had same effect on me. Was coming back from abroad with family and stuck at airport with delays. All a bit fed up, but mum had tendency to go on the turn when things weren't going her way so I thought I'd make myself scarce as she'd take it out on me (dad had gone off somewhere). Anyway, I asked her if she wanted anything from the cafe and she said no, so I got myself a coffee and cake and ate it a bit away from her to keep out of her way.

When I rejoined them she screamed at me that I'd deliberately gone up to the cafe and had food leaving her without any (I'D LITERALLY ASKED HER). My dad told me I was a horrible ungrateful person....none of them talked to me on the flight home.

Later on I said something to dad and he said he'd had to back her as she was his wife.

What a mind fuck.

It's not you it's them and there's nothing you can do to change them.

Christmas1988 · 06/10/2021 09:12

Has he got dementia? My Nan used to accuse me of ‘stealing’ her Tesco club card and other thing but it was her dementia. It sounds very bizarre like there’s another explanation.

StopGo · 06/10/2021 09:35

@fishpie1 my heart goes out to you and I understand the situation you were/are in.

My mother has life long mental health issues and behaviours. She has been abusive all of her life.

She now has dementia as well. She fell a couple of months ago and broke her hip. I was 40 miles away and isolating but arranged ambulance etc via the phone. Her hip was broken in the fall. She calmly and rationally told the medical staff that I had pushed her out of bed and left her to die on the floor, refused to get help and walked out locking the front door behind me. You can imagine the safeguarding investigation that followed.

I have recently been widowed and am now a lone parent. She has recently told anyone and everyone that I am a prostitute and entertaining clients in my home whilst my children are at home. Sadly some idiots believe her.

I am very low contact with her but as I have POA I do deal with arranging care, shopping and bills etc. She is currently back in hospital after another fall and I get judged by health care professionals. It's hard to give two hoots about my abuser.

Sorry this is so long. Basically look after YOU. You didn't cause or deserve any of this crap and you can't cure it Flowers