DF accused me of a terrible crime

[fishpie1]

My DF has always been very odd and my home growing up was very stressful. I think he has mental health issues to say the least.

That's not a judgement on people who have those issues, I do as well.

One day me, my df and my dm went out for lunch. It was horrible as always. My DF started talking about some bog standard documentary he had watched about 20s-30s mobsters. Very cheesy basic thing not some in depth insight.

I literally said, oh I watched that one.

He "turned" like you would not believe.

It's hard to explain the next bit because it was so shocking but he basically accused me of the worst crimes you can imagine.

Like, imagine something horrific, that's what he out of nowhere said about me.

My silly mother sat there in silence pretending everything was tickety boo because that's her way of coping.

I was just so shocked... I later asked her about it and she said I deserved it. Honestly it's hard to explain but sometimes something is so extreme it shocks you almost to the point where you can't understand it.

I am NC now but I really struggle. I keep thinking about this day. I used to think my df was a bit of a dick and a bit depressed but looking back it seems like it could have been more.

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm asking. Just if someone has experienced similar I guess.

And there are lots of other crazy examples. You can't reason with someone who is crazy. At one family gathering, she stood up, hushed the room and announced that no one else could feed her child chocolate, because she had grown her in her womb, so she was the only one who could give the chocolate. How do you reply to that?

She also thinks that t is my fault that she married her Ex husband. I should have known it wouldn't end well, and apparently I should have cancelled the wedding.

[quote StopGo]@fishpie1 my heart goes out to you and I understand the situation you were/are in.

My mother has life long mental health issues and behaviours. She has been abusive all of her life.

She now has dementia as well. She fell a couple of months ago and broke her hip. I was 40 miles away and isolating but arranged ambulance etc via the phone. Her hip was broken in the fall. She calmly and rationally told the medical staff that I had pushed her out of bed and left her to die on the floor, refused to get help and walked out locking the front door behind me. You can imagine the safeguarding investigation that followed.

I have recently been widowed and am now a lone parent. She has recently told anyone and everyone that I am a prostitute and entertaining clients in my home whilst my children are at home. Sadly some idiots believe her.

I am very low contact with her but as I have POA I do deal with arranging care, shopping and bills etc. She is currently back in hospital after another fall and I get judged by health care professionals. It's hard to give two hoots about my abuser.

Sorry this is so long. Basically look after YOU. You didn't cause or deserve any of this crap and you can't cure it [/quote]
Stop being her POA immediately

It seems a shame your father hasn't got a mental health diagnosis because you are definitely dealing with some form of psychosis. I'm really glad you are taking steps to protect yourself from his illness.

You say he’s otherwise “odd”. Could it be dementia?

@StopGo I hate to sound cruel but she has had far more love and care off you than she deserves. As others are saying on here, you have to have some happiness from your own life. It's yours.

@ILoveJamaica yikes. Enjoy the peace for sure, you're right as well, there is a point where talking and discussion just does not work. I think some people who haven't been through it think it's like a disagreement or an argument, really it's just a full on assault and nothing you can say or do will ever fix it.

OP You have done the right thing in going NC when you did. What you describe is unsupportable for your wellbeing, and sometimes NC is necessary in order to survive, which it sounds as though you are doing. Can you get the legal matter written to them by a solicitor, so that you do not have to contact them yourself?
Though not the same as a parent, I experienced a sudden accusation years ago from a brother. He literally turned on me out of nowhere and accused me of doing something terrible, which it would not even have been possible for me to do. We had always had a good relationship. The shock was unbelievable, and the sense of betrayal. I hope you have surfaced from all the hurts you have suffered from by your parents. No wonder you are anxious about contacting them again. I hope you can get the help of an intermediary instead of dealing with them yourself. Why should you have to go through all that crap again?

@honeygriff Sorry to be dim but I know nothing about psychosis. Obviously he will never seek help or get diagnosed. In a way it would help me to be able to say he had X illness and that was why he treated me badly, rather than thinking he just hated me as I thought for years.

Is psychosis a response to a traumatic event?

He must have a mental health issue, and to protect yourself going NC is the only way forward to protect yourself from such deeply ingrained irrational behaviour. I’d tell them both why and let them know it’s your last contact with them.

@HyacynthBucket I'm sorry about your brother Sometimes I look at all the bad things happening in the world, families and people literally torn apart and then there are these people who just pick that situation, even when they could have a nice life/relationship. It baffles me really.

The legal thing is on my mind right now. I know I absolutely will not go into their house or get into their car, few bad experiences there. The thing is the situation pushes me into being the strong arm person if that makes sense, barrelling in with a legal document. I intend to do it all very quickly, like ripping off a plaster, which again will give them rope to say I'm cold or whatever. Really, if I didn't care it would not affect me. But when this is done all ties will be broken.

StopGo
My heart is breaking for you. Having to deal not just with lies but the fall-out. Do you have siblings? Let someone else be the health and welfare POA, as you will have to stay somewhat connected if you have it, and you need to get free. Take care.

I don't think there's just one cause to psychosis. I've dealt with a few people with those kinds of symptoms. There's the altered perception on the bottom range and more towards the top it's more full blown delusions. It helps if you've got a diagnosis because you it can help to see the person and how the illness effects them. I think you are doing the healthy thing with NC.

Psychosis is a symptom of a number of neuro/psychological conditions. It means a state where the person can't tell the difference between the objective reality around them and their own projections.

This can make them very paranoid, and unable to trust anyone or anything (so, for example, they might believe that their loved ones have been replaced with replicas, or that their doctor is giving them pills with listening devices hidden inside to spy on them, or that the news contains secret coded messages intended only for them).

Pyschosis can also make people very frightened (e.g. they may believe there is a plot to kill or control them, that they are in a war zone, or are being hunted) - fear can make them aggressive.

Psychosis can occur as a one-off episode (a single psychotic break) which can be caused by any number of things (e.g. extreme stress, neurological injury), or it can recur continually (e.g. if the person has uncontrolled schizophrenia).

Psychosis can include hallucinations (visual, auditory or olfactory) and/or delusions (false beliefs).

Psychosis isn't the person's fault, but nor is it the fault of anyone around them. Sadly, people who suffer from any kind of delusion or warped view of reality are very hard to help, as it's impossible for them to know whether they are genuinely ill and need medicating, or if they're actually correct in their beliefs.

To everyone mentioning dementia, I don't know. However my dad has always behaved in a very abusive way and my mum has always tried to act like it wasn't happening. So he may well have it now and it may well be making things worse but there was something very wrong before.

I can understand why people say that, I think ptsd fits more but I'm no expert or anything, it's sometimes I suppose like he is actually somewhere else in a different situation with different people but not literally, just in some ways. It's hard to explain. Like if you've ever had an argument where being angry at someone else affected it, that magnified.

Is there any way the legal thing could be done via a solicitor, to save you having to be in direct contact?

My F (who died 23 years ago) was like this, too, except that it was my DM who he directed this behaviour at. He was constantly accusing her of being unfaithful to him, with absolutely zero grounds. He used to tell us this, too, including my DB, who was already visibly damaged.

In his case, it was partly down to his Parkinson’s Disease medication and the disease itself, paranoia is associated with both. However, there was also projection involved, I think, in that he had also sexually abused my DSis and me when we were growing up.

These outbursts used to come out of nowhere as well, as with your F. I think there may well be MH issues involved, and he may also be a very unpleasant person. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Going NC was a very good move. I echo what other posters have said, that you should take a look at the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board.

@honeygriff @ClawedButler I see, thank you. My dad has delusions but not so extreme, although I guess he could just not express those. He has said he thinks my mum is trying to kill him or wants him to die quite often. She's not. He just doesn't have a method attached like being the devil or secret messages etc I just think if he was really delusional he wouldn't be able to function and he can, it's very much within his control. Paranoia is a huge thing with him though.

@Wilkolampshade Are you still in contact? How do you maintain a relationship?

@1000umbrellas You know that sounds familiar. Like something that comes and goes. It would be kind of like if I said to you the sky is green and then the next day said, oh, the sky is blue, obviously it is.

It's very disorientating to be around, even when you're used to it because the person's perception of you is getting filtered through something you can't see or understand.

That sounds awful OP, sorry you had to experience that.

Could it be that what he said was delusional, as a result of mental health issues? A friend of mine was sectioned at one point and genuinely thought her family had committed similar crimes. This was awful for them all though obviously not her fault.

If it could be anything like that it sounds like he may need medical support.

Delusions don't have to be grand, and they don't always stop people functioning. Believing you are special, and have special powers and are being specially targeted by agencies unknown - that wouldn't necessarily prevent you holding down a job, putting a shelf up, doing your finances, things like that.

Cross post!

If your dad believes these things he really should be getting medical support regardless of whether he can function generally otherwise, as he may be a danger to himself or others.

Personally, I see it as your DF (and your DM)'s behaviour is like a raging fire. You can't reason with it. You can't appeal to its better nature. You can't change it. You can either stay and get burned, or step away. I think you've done the only possible thing in going NC.

@PiffleWiffleWoozle He would rather die than seek help for mental health stuff.

Back when I was still in contact I went to a therapist for issues with anxiety. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to solve the issue. My mum went ballistic, stressed that we had to keep it secret from my dad and no one could know or it would shame him and all this. In the end she used to corner me and demand to know what had happened in my sessions, what to tell the therapist when I went back and then corner me on the way there to tell me what to say.

As much as that was not great, I think the real reason was not being ashamed of me but it touching a nerve somewhere. I would not be suprised if my dad and my mum know far more than I ever will about what is actually going on there.

It doesn't help that your Mum is his enabler. It will make him think that he is right, because she doesn't challenge him.

My sister is married to a nice guy, who will not stand up to her and he takes her side no matter what. Despite the fact that some members of his own family have had to go NC with her. My sister was sending nasty messages to her DH's Aunt, and was regularly rude to his Mum, but still he will not challenge her. So in her head, she must be right.

My sisters latest antic, is to scream at people in supermarkets if they don't have masks on. Proper full on screaming. This is not challenged in any way by her DH. These are people will professional, high paid careers. She also lied to the GP and said that she was our DF's carer, to jump the vaccine queue.

@ClawedButler you're right there is no change possible. The thing I struggle with the most is not doing it sooner, but I suppose lingering and ruminating on these things is very unproductive. I feel very sad for my parents because I know they'll feel sad for themselves and not understand. I tried to resolve things pre nc and I was never asking for perfection...there's just a sadness to it all I suppose and that takes over sometimes.

Yes, you weren't asking for much, but didn't even get that. It must be like grieving in a way - a sort of bereavement for the life you should have had and the kind of people your parents should have been, but never were and never can be.