How to make people understand how bad I feel

[sicko]

I'm currently staying with in laws and my almost 2 year old DS is too.

I am pregnant again and suffering from HG and have had to be on a drip due to dehydration. I'm on sick leave. Every day is hell.

We are staying here for about a month. Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time as she's currently between things and has the time. I've offered to pay but she refused.

Anyway I'm in a bad way. Everything is a struggle. My husband is at work 7 days a week at the moment, he cannot help me at all.

Any tiny thing someone does for me helps. Even just lifting him into his chair. Or helping me bring him downstairs. I can't go out of the house, as I have zero energy. Like I say, I am in a bad, bad way. I also suffer from a serious condition and I think that's not helping. But generally, I'm just exhausted. I go to bed usually at 8 pm (tonight not, because my son wasn't settling ).

My sis in law has helped me out a bit, but not like we had agreed, because obviously I am on sick leave. She keeps just going out and not returning for two to three days and not even telling me. I am trying to convey how much I am struggling, but for example today, she left and didn't come back until late evening. Everyone is going away this weekend and I've managed to arrange for someone to come and help me. I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend. So she knows it's very very very difficult for me.

I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me.

I just keep crying and wishing for my mum. But she also can't help me. I don't know what else to do. What did other people do when they had HG and a toddler ?

Thing is you don’t need to feel any sort of duty to them as they get older. Mine have done next to zip to help, even when we were on the edge as a family. I am resolute that I will find a home for them when the time comes but thats it. 🤷‍♀️

Seriously?! Lying on the couch with phone in hand was one of the only things I was capable of when I had HG (in between the wretching and vomiting and seeing spots from having burst blood vessels in and around my eyes from the violence of the sickness). It doesn't exactly take much effort to occasionally post on a thread.
You clearly have no idea.

OP - glad you've found a nursery. To echo precious posters, have you asked about ondansetron? I was on 5 previous meds, none of which helped, and then my wonderful GP prescribed ondansetron. You'll still feel utterly crap but it helps you keep a little water/soup down - it made such a huge difference for me. Good luck, I hope the HG resolves soon.

* this comment was aimed at the poster questioning how we can take OP seriously*

I certainly wouldn't be able to commit to caring for sombody else's child for the entire pregnancy. Your sister in law is entitled to do as she pleases. You need support and that needs to come feom the person who created this baby with you.....your husband. Please don't discount nursery. Your in laws should not have to pick up the slack because you won't consider childcare.
Hope you feel better soon OP it sounds awful

glad you've found a nursery. To echo precious posters, have you asked about ondansetron? I was on 5 previous meds, none of which helped

I agree with this. I’ve taken ondansetron this morning or I’d be unable to walk my son to school (and metaclopramide) but the ondansetron allows me to function and keep some fluids down. (I also have HG second time round).

OP it’s great you’ve got a nursery place sorted but who is going to take and collect him if you’re too ill? Doesn’t sound like SIL can be relied upon to commit to anything just now. I say this as I’ve had to sort emergency childcare for pick ups once DH starts his new job, and for morning drop offs if I’m too ill some days.

For goodness sake, stop fixating on your SIL. At one point she thought she would do it, now she doesn’t want to. I doubt it’s anything about novelty wearing off. More likely it sounds as though you are all living together? If so, maybe she has enough of your son without caring for him all day as well? Little kids are not only hard work but they are REALLY hard to take for extended periods if you are not the parent. You said she looked after him one morning? Maybe she found she couldn’t manage him and didn’t realise how hard it would be? Maybe there is 1001 reasons and while she thought it would be okay up front realised it was not possible and better this way than another thread where you come on here complaining your SIL yells at your son or doesn’t poach his unicorn poo lightly enough for lunch and doesn’t care when you tell her.

Whatever it is, it’s not a job, she is under no obligation. She has resigned effective immediately. Instead of spewing vitriol at her, learn from it and concentrate on self-sufficiency.

OP it’s great you’ve got a nursery place sorted but who is going to take and collect him if you’re too ill? Doesn’t sound like SIL can be relied upon to commit to anything just now.

I would imagine her DH may have to do it! It’s a bit rich saying SIL is unreliable which is problematic for pick up/drop off. Maybe her DH has to participate in some aspect here, at least the drop off’s or the pick up’s? Surely he can’t dodge every aspect of assisting with his child or helping his ill wife 7 days a week. Maybe SIL thought about this and that it was a piss-take she wasn’t comfortable enabling?

I would imagine her DH may have to do it! It’s a bit rich saying SIL is unreliable which is problematic for pick up/drop off. Maybe her DH has to participate in some aspect here, at least the drop off’s or the pick up’s? Surely he can’t dodge every aspect of assisting with his child or helping his ill wife 7 days a weekconfused. Maybe SIL thought about this and that it was a piss-take she wasn’t comfortable enabling?

I wondered if the DH would do it but if he runs his own business and can’t commit to helping at home at all, would he be able to do nursery runs?

I don’t think the SIL is unreliable, just OP shouldn’t rely on her to take on the nursery runs at all. Not unreasonable on SIL’s part IMO (committing to getting a toddler to and from nursery each day is a huge responsibility and
her life would then have to revolve around drop offs and pick ups, packing stuff, settling in sessions, collecting toddler early when they inevitably catch nursery bugs etc). I certainly wouldn’t expect the SIL to take this on and think it would be unfair to ask given she’s said she can’t/doesn’t want to be involved with the toddler’s care.

I think you’re right about SIL maybe underestimated how exhausting, wearing and nerve-shredding it is minding someone else’s toddler.

It sounds like the grandparents can’t/won’t help in any way, OP has said she rarely leaves the house due to HG, so unless a childminder or nanny has been booked for nursery runs, or the DH steps up, could be a problem?

I wondered if the DH would do it but if he runs his own business and can’t commit to helping at home at all, would he be able to do nursery runs?

Sorry but that’s enableist crap. I can’t imagine he is that important or vital to human life that he can’t organise his business to at least commit to either drop offs or pick ups. I’m pretty sure if it was OP or any other woman the cry would not be ‘she owns her own business, so she can’t commit to any aspect of childcare whatsoever and her in-laws will have to do it’. But seems acceptable for a man with a business! He has family as well as business commitments so he can at least organise himself for drop offs or pick ups at the least if his wife is incapacitated. His duties do not fall to his family by default!