How to make people understand how bad I feel

[sicko]

I'm currently staying with in laws and my almost 2 year old DS is too.

I am pregnant again and suffering from HG and have had to be on a drip due to dehydration. I'm on sick leave. Every day is hell.

We are staying here for about a month. Before being pregnant etc, I had sorted it with my SIL that she would look after my DS while I worked during this time as she's currently between things and has the time. I've offered to pay but she refused.

Anyway I'm in a bad way. Everything is a struggle. My husband is at work 7 days a week at the moment, he cannot help me at all.

Any tiny thing someone does for me helps. Even just lifting him into his chair. Or helping me bring him downstairs. I can't go out of the house, as I have zero energy. Like I say, I am in a bad, bad way. I also suffer from a serious condition and I think that's not helping. But generally, I'm just exhausted. I go to bed usually at 8 pm (tonight not, because my son wasn't settling ).

My sis in law has helped me out a bit, but not like we had agreed, because obviously I am on sick leave. She keeps just going out and not returning for two to three days and not even telling me. I am trying to convey how much I am struggling, but for example today, she left and didn't come back until late evening. Everyone is going away this weekend and I've managed to arrange for someone to come and help me. I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend. So she knows it's very very very difficult for me.

I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me.

I just keep crying and wishing for my mum. But she also can't help me. I don't know what else to do. What did other people do when they had HG and a toddler ?

@XiCi

I don't see any difference in the SIL looking after the child while OP is working and her looking after the child when she's ill. She said she'd look after the child for x hours a day you'd think it would be even more important to help when OP is very ill. Really really shitty of the SIL to be just going away for days at a time when the OP is in this state. Would she just have fucked off for 3 days and left the kid if the OP had been working after she'd agreed to mind him? It's bizarre. Sone people in here must just have families that don't give a shit about each other because I don't know anyone that would leave a family member like this when they have the time and ability to help.

My thoughts exactly.

But all is good. I've found my solution.

for you

I agree with some of the others that some people don't realise quite how bad this can feel. I had it too and it was a LIVING HELL. It is quite hard to get across what it's like to people.

I'm glad you're getting something sorted out now.

I currently have HG, and had it in my last pregnancy too. It’s a terrible condition. What meds are you on? This time I got a private prescription for ondansetron and metaclopramide early on because they were the only meds that helped last time. They take the edge off. I’m also on omeprazole (helps) and Sertraline (helps my mood and the bleakness that can descend with HG).

My experience is people who haven’t had HG don’t understand.

I don’t think it’s fair to rely on your SIL to help, as the arrangement was originally that she’d look after your son during your work hours (not round the clock and at weekends, or be on call when you need her). It sounds like her circumstances have changed and she’s either busier than expected or can’t understand why you can’t manage while you’re at home. Or she underestimated the amount of attention toddlers need. Looking after someone’s toddler for set hours and days while mum is out is very different to looking after him while mum is home ill, keeping an eye and requiring help at unpredictable times (or evenings and weekends when SIL presumably thought she’d be free).

My son is 6 so easier than a toddler, but it’s still hard going and I’ve had to pay for a childminder to collect him from school. Are there no local people who can help, eg babysitters or part time au pairs or students or mother’s help who would entertain him while you rest? Or a childminder who can collect him and drop him off?

Can your DH not take some annual leave or emergency leave from work to help you out?

Can you stay with your own family instead of your DH’s?

Hope things improve soon.

I’d give up trying to make the family understand your illness and focus instead on trying to save your energy, improve your symptoms. Give toddler lots of things to play with, use the TV, games on a tablet, anything to get some rest.

I'm trying to find a local nanny but don't know anyone here. I'm not comforted with sending him to nursery yet. In any case it's all so hard and it's so hard to convey that. But I'm hurt my sis in law won't even tell me she's going away, eventhough we had agreed she'd help me.

Use nanny websites? Advertise on local pages? Eg FB groups for mums may recommend nannies.

I think you’re putting too much pressure on your sis in law as she’d only agreed to have him while you were at work, not weekends and evenings. Wanting to know where she’s going all the time will drive her away. And it’s harder to bond with a toddler when their mum is there, as oppose to when you have sole charge of them for a set time.

I think nursery is a good option provided you have someone to take and collect him.

I had HG too with all pregnancies, my last with a 4 and 2yo. Ended up being on a drip. My iron was so low I kept needing infusions. It was awful. I tried all medications. One helped a bit, I couldn't afford to be off sick and I managed a care home so needed to be there for the residents. So I'd go to work and would do my work in between being sick. It was the only way!

Although DP would never be so unsupportive. I wouldn't have had another baby with someone who had to work 7 days a week due to the risks associated with pregnancy.

That doesn't really help now but you need to find paid help. Relying totally on a family member isn't ok. It's forcing them to be responsible for your choices essentially.

@luckyJasmin

Why did you get pregnant the second time if you're not coping? I'd love to live in Italy but it is not realistic or manageable.

Your DH needs to cut his hours.

This might be harsh. But really there's some truth in it. Choosing to get pregnant with full knowledge you have absolutely no support from your husband isn't particularly sensible.

But the to complain about you sil not helping when you've created the situation is a bit much.

I'm glad you got some help OP, I think there's a support thread for HG on the pregnancy board, if you feel like talking to people going through the same thing.

Good luck OP

Never asked her to be there around the clock. Just the times we had agreed.

I am very surprised indeed by the responses on this thread.

First of all, even if you have never had it, try to imagine what HG is like. OP is on sick leave because it's impossible to work when you have this condition. It's nothing at all like regular morning sickness. Looking after a toddler is work just the same as any other. Therefore it's more or less impossible to combine with HG.

Secondly, I know husbands who work a lot are always treated with suspicion on MN but just occasionally it is necessary to work 7 days a week. Perhaps his business is in trouble, or he's just started it, or his partner has resigned? Why are people automatically assuming that he isn't really that busy?

Thirdly, I think SIL has let OP down. Why does she not have empathy enough to see the situation OP is in? I would never ignore a relative in my home who was suffering that much. I think she should be embarrassed she has not stepped up to help. I am sure I would.
I think OP is justified in feeling let down.

@Neonplant maybe my husbands circumstances have changed ? How about that? Thanks for beating me up more whilst I'm down. And before you say maybe your sister in laws circumstances have changed and she can't now do what was agreed, they haven't. Or at least she's not told me.

I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend.

but then you said you don't want her help on weekends?

I'm sorry you've been feeling so awful, HG really is hideous.
It would have taken your DH all of three minutes to find the Sitters website though? I realise he's at work 7 days a week, but there's no way his life is so hectic that he can't carry out a Google search.

@QforCucumber

I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/ weekend.

but then you said you don't want her help on weekends?

You misunderstand. I told her I can't spend the weekend alone, which is why I've arranged for child care over the weekend. That was meant to be a cue that I need her help as agreed on weekdays.

She didn't keep her promise and I also don't expect her to help at weekends at all. That wasn't the arrangement at all.

But you do expect this as you said I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/weekend.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering and glad you’ve found suggestions upthread useful, but expecting SIL to take care of your child 7 days a week for a month is unreasonable. You’re trying to make this her problem, which is why she’s pulled back. It’s your DH’s problem to sort.

And you should push back on unreasonable demands from your in laws as well.

@Cadent

She didn't keep her promise and I also don't expect her to help at weekends at all. That wasn't the arrangement at all.

But you do expect this as you said I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/weekend.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering and glad you’ve found suggestions upthread useful, but expecting SIL to take care of your child 7 days a week for a month is unreasonable. You’re trying to make this her problem, which is why she’s pulled back. It’s your DH’s problem to sort.

And you should push back on unreasonable demands from your in laws as well.

Sorry if I expressed myself badly. But I never asked her to help me at weekends or in the evenings or mornings before working time.

Understood. How old is she? Maybe she over-promised not realising how much work it can be?

@Cadent

She didn't keep her promise and I also don't expect her to help at weekends at all. That wasn't the arrangement at all.

But you do expect this as you said I told my sis in law straight up that there's no way I can spend the entire weekend alone again like last week/weekend.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering and glad you’ve found suggestions upthread useful, but expecting SIL to take care of your child 7 days a week for a month is unreasonable. You’re trying to make this her problem, which is why she’s pulled back. It’s your DH’s problem to sort.

And you should push back on unreasonable demands from your in laws as well.

She's literally done one morning while I was on a drip. Other than that no. So no, I pushed no one away by expecting 7 days a week.

@Cadent

Understood. How old is she? Maybe she over-promised not realising how much work it can be?

This is more likely. And that's fine, I do understand. The novelty has worn off. I've sorted it now anyway.

Sympathies OP, HG is horrific. I couldn’t think straight when I had it, which made things even more complicated! It’s fundamentally depressing. Like others have said, I went with as much nursery for my 2 year old as I could afford, which was 3 days a week. She was much happier there than at home! I arranged to drop her off later than usual in case I had a rough morning. DP had to do as much as possible when he was available (housework, batch cooking, sleeping on 2 year old’s bedroom floor!).
Worst times of my life, wishing you all the best.

Glad it's sorted and hope you feel better.

I remember reading a recent thread about a 'normal' person is treated for HG in hospital compared to how Kate Windsor would have been treated, it was eye opening.

If you are anything like I was, talking at all is difficult, let alone standing up/moving around, without throwing up. I think, when you are very unwell like that, it is extra hard when people don't seem to 'hear' you or understand - it's lonely and frustrating.

It's like, if someone had agreed to go on a walk with someone, and one of them slipped and broke a leg, you wouldn't then say, 'I just agreed to a walk, I didn't expect to deal with your broken leg' and walk off. It's an emergency that needs people to help. I don't suppose OP cares who helps. I think you should start kicking up hell, OP.

I may have misread your posts but I have the impression that your SIL is living with you atm?

I know we're not talking about the SIL again (!) but would she do a few hours if you insisted on paying her? She could cover some gaps on days when you don't have a professional sitter/nanny but just a couple of hours at a time so she doesn't run for the hills again.

I had HG too, I have no advice really but you have my sympathy. I think unless you've experienced it, no one can really even begin to understand it. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope your HG improves x

OP it sounds like you have found a solution which is good news. I’m just wondering though, could your husband not talk to his sister & explain the situation? This might avoid any feelings of awkwardness or resentment. I know your husband is very busy with work but it is his family after all.
Also is there any possibility of staying with your family (apologies if you have already mentioned this)? In my experience that would be much easier. I never had HG but I’ve got a serious health issue & I can relate to how hard it is trying to look after a toddler.